Consequences
by Carrie86
Summary: The trial of Skyler White
1. Chapter 1

_This is the story of the trial of Skyler White. It ended up being longer than I intended, but there's plenty to keep you entertained. I wrote this before the release of El Camino and was pleased to discover that the events of El Camino don't contradict it in any way. Jesse and Skyler were my favourite characters, so I'm very pleased that Vince Gilligan has told Jesse's story, leaving me to tell Skyler's and remain in canon. I *hope* that this story can also remain in canon for Better Call Saul after the final series is released. If they don't end it the way I'm thinking, I'll be annoyed haha._

_Trigger warnings: __trauma, anxiety, panic attack, mental illness, grief, self-harm, and references to rape and suicidality. These are the reasons this story is rated M. The most confronting parts are in chapters 16, 17, 19 and 20. What's revealed at the end of chapter 16 may be shocking/controversial to some readers, but it is based on solid implications made by Breaking Bad's writers in the last scene of s5 e02._

...

Skyler slid into her car in the alleyway behind Central Taxis and leaned her head on the steering wheel. She closed her eyes. Just for a moment, she thought.

It was a good job her shift was over and there was nobody at home, because she didn't wake up until 2am, when a group of drunken revellers passed behind her car talking and whooping. She blinked and looked around, then turned the key, three point turned the car's nose around and moved off.

...

Louis threw back the rest of his drink and howled at the moon. Michael joined him.

"Shut up!" said Bianca.

"You guys are r-really l-loud." Flynn giggled and sipped his drink.

"Can I have some more, man?" asked Louis. Flynn handed him the bottle.

"I know what I want more of," said Michael, looking around. "Hey, where'd it go?"

"I think it fell in the bushes," said Bianca, rolling onto her back and looking up at the night sky.

Flynn lay down next to her. "D-did you know that when you look at the stars, you're actually seeing what they looked like…hundreds of years ago? Be-because of how far away they are, even at the speed of light it…s-still takes a long time to get to us. So a star could die, it could explode, a-and we wouldn't know because…we would just see it the same as it was before."

"Found it!" yelled Michael, reappearing from the bushes with a stick stuck in his hair and a bong in his hand.

"Nice," said Louis.

Bianca sat up as Michael lit the bong, accepting it as he handed it around. She took a puff, then held it out to Flynn.

"No, thank you," said Flynn.

"No, he doesn't do that," said Louis, leaning past Flynn and grabbing the bong.

"Why not?" asked Bianca.

"Cos my Uncle Hank told me not to."

...

Piercing cries pulled Marie roughly from the depths of sleep. She blinked, then shot out of bed. "Shit," she muttered. "Holly? It's ok honey, I'm coming!" She pulled on her dressing gown and rushed down the hallway.

Holly was still asleep, but was wailing and rocking. Marie sat on the bed and took her into her arms. "Holly, wake up."

"Mama! Mamaaaaaaaaaa!" The child continued to writhe.

"Holly!" Marie shook her. "Wake up! Everything is ok, but you need to wake up!" She shook her again and stroked her hair.

Eventually Holly woke, and burst into tears.

"It's ok, sweetheart," said Marie, holding her close. "Mommy isn't here right now - you're with me today, remember? But that's ok, we will be just fine together and you can see Mommy tomorrow. Everything is fine. I've got you."

...

Skyler was making dinner when Flynn arrived home the next day. Holly was sitting on the floor next to the coffee table drawing with crayons. Flynn hugged her and then moved towards his mother. "Hi, honey," she said, turning away from the chopping board and kissing him on the cheek. "Good party?"

"Yeah, i-it was fun." He rested his hand on her shoulder. "Did you contact that l-lawyer yet?"

Skyler placed some vegetables into a pot that was bubbling on the stove, and turned down the heat.

"Mom?"

She didn't mean to say nothing, she just didn't know what to say. She turned around and looked at him, her face devoid of emotion or energy.

"Y-you didn't, did you?"

"The money is for your education."

"I don't need n-nine million dollars for my education! I have…no idea why they gave me that much, it makes no sense a-and I did argue -"

"Your education, Holly's education, the ongoing well-being of the two of you. That's what I want you to spend it on. Not that it's up to me, seeing as it's yours."

"Aunt Marie wants some money. Her income went down a lot after Uncle Hank died, s-so she said she'd really appreciate…some help."

"That's really good, I'm glad you're sharing it."

"Mr and Mrs Schwartz…said I could share it with my family, th-that's why I'm offering it to you. It'd be weird if I gave some to Aunt Marie and some to…Holly but not to you!"

"That's up to me, isn't it?" Skyler turned back to the dinner.

"It's not like you would be taking anything from me, really. I-it's such an enormous amount of money that I…can't possibly spend it all. I can't believe…how much it is, it's bizarre. So it's not like me or Holly would mi-miss out on anything if you took a little bit for your lawyer. Or maybe…to get you out of living in this dump?"

"There's four months left on the lease, and I'll be gone by then."

"You can break the lease. I can p-pay for you to break the lease."

"Flynn, I'm going on trial in two months' time, there's no point me moving before then! If you wanna move out, you are 18 now, it is your choice."

"Yeah, b-but I'm not an asshole. I'm not gonna leave you and Holly in this dump if I get to go…somewhere better!"

"Dinner is ready, can you set the table please?"

"Ok, forget the house. G-get a lawyer, please get a decent lawyer!"

"Holly, dinner's ready! Come wash your hands!" Skyler placed a child's stool under the kitchen sink and helped Holly onto it.

"You're running out of time here!"

"Are you going to set the table or aren't you?"

Flynn stomped to the cutlery drawer and grabbed some knives and forks out very roughly. "If you don't do it now, th-there won't be enough time for the lawyer to get to know your case and -"

"I'm not going to do it all," said Skyler, drying Holly's hands. "I don't think it's a worthy use of that money."

"What? H-how is it not worthy - you desperately need someone who can defend you properly, n-not -"

"Are you gonna set the table or are you gonna keep waving those knives and forks around dangerously?"

"Can I have a apple juice, Mommy?" asked Holly.

"Yes you can." Skyler placed a hand on Holly's head and leant towards the fridge, holding it open and helping Holly take the bottle out. "Wait hold on, what do you say?"

"Please," said Holly, smiling sweetly and swaying slightly as she held what was to her a very heavy bottle up towards her mother.

"Ok." Skyler took the bottle and poured Holly a glass, which she diluted with water. "Go and sit down."

Flynn was placing the knives and forks on the table with more force than was necessary. He stopped himself when he got to Holly's place, and put her cutlery gently down as Skyler put her apple juice next to it and pushed her into the table.

"Why you grumpy, Finn?" asked Holly.

"Because Mom isn't listening to me."

"Why?"

"I don't know." Flynn went back into the kitchen to help his mother serve the food.

"This is not the time or the place to discuss this," Skyler said in a low voice. "But that money is your beacon of hope for the future. It should not be used throwing good money after bad into the deep dark holes of my mistakes from the past. That's not what it's for. End of story." She grabbed her plate and Holly's and swept over to the table.

Skyler felt that she didn't deserve the money, especially not for something as self-interested as her defence against charges of which she was thoroughly guilty. But more than that, she had a feeling about that money. She smelled a rat. Not right at the start, when her son had received the kind but official letter from Gretchen and Elliott Schwartz on his 18th birthday. Then she just thought it was too good to be true, a joke, or maybe they wanted to give him a far smaller amount of money and had put the decimal point in the wrong place. But it didn't go away, the decimal point wasn't in the wrong place, and there followed meetings with lawyers, the establishment of a trust fund and the presentation of a cheque with seven digits on it. Gretchen and Elliott weren't present for any of that, and Skyler first smelled a rat then, but it was confirmed when Flynn had insisted on buying them a big thank you present and taking it to them personally. The Schwartzes had reluctantly agreed and allowed Flynn, Skyler, Holly and Marie to have the most awkward afternoon tea of all time at their house. They were kind people, Skyler knew that. But kindness was not what she saw in Gretchen Schwartz's eyes - what she saw in Gretchen's eyes was fear. And then she knew. She would never speak of it, but she knew.

Skyler deduced, based on some opinionated statements Flynn had made when he found out she and Walt had paid for Hank's medical treatment, and on the fact that he had hung up the phone on his father when he had called to offer money, that he had no interest in profiting from any ill-gotten gains, especially not from his father, and so she suspected that if he knew where the money was really from he would refuse to take it. She wasn't sure of that, and often wondered whether, when faced with the honest-to-god choice between 9 million dollars and a life of poverty, his principles may fly out the window just as hers had. But she wasn't going to put him to the test, both because she didn't want to destroy what remained of his innocence, and because she really did want him and Holly and Marie to get whatever they could from the money so that she wouldn't have to worry about them anymore. She was actually quite relieved to know that all of Walt's shit hadn't been for nothing, although she hated herself for thinking that. She justified it by reasoning that she should not allow any of the money to be spent on herself. If it could make her family's lives richer and less stressful, that was absolutely wonderful, and they should enjoy that in their innocence and ignorance. But Skyler was not innocent, there was blood all over her hands from this money, and if she allowed herself to knowingly profit from it, she would never forgive herself. It was ok for them to profit from it, because they didn't know. But she knew.


	2. Chapter 2

"Holly?" said Dr Jensen as she opened her office door. "Hi!"

The child ran towards her. "Can I play the Barbies?"

"Holly, what do you say?" said Skyler, kneeling beside her child and putting her arm around her.

"Please!"

"Yes, and also, what did Dr Jensen say to you?"

Holly frowned.

"Just now, she called your name and then what did she say?"

"Hi?"

"Exactly; she said hi to you, so gotta say hi to her."

"Hi Dr Jensen, may I please play the Barbies?"

"Oh, what a polite little girl you are! Yes, you may," said Dr Jensen. Holly squealed with delight and ran to the toy box in the office.

"Was that ok?" asked Skyler, standing up.

"Of course! Hi Marie," said Dr Jensen, holding the door open for the two of them. "I'm not here to tell you how to be a parent, Skyler. You do just fine at that already."

Dr Jensen closed the door and the three of them sat down on two couches facing each other. "So how has it been going?" she asked.

"Well we started on the plan of getting Holly to spend more time at my house," said Marie. "And it did not go well. She woke up screaming for the first time in months."

"Oh. How were things otherwise on that day?"

"Fine, she seemed to find it quite exciting. Skyler dropped her off before she went to work and we made pizzas and watched Yogi Bear and she seemed to be having a great time. I got her to bed a little later than I should have done because she was excited, but we read a couple of stories and she went off to sleep ok, and everything was fine until she woke up screaming at 2 in the morning."

"What was she screaming?"

"'Mama, mama.' Not Mommy, mama. Which is sort of more...babyish, isn't it?"

"No, she's still calls me that sometimes," said Skyler. "I don't discourage it."

"Does she?"

"That's absolutely fine," said Dr Jensen. "That's a very common thing for a child her age to say, and it's also a common thing for a lot of children to suffer from nightmares. Did she tell you what it was about?"

"No. I asked and she just kind of burrowed into my chest and cried. She didn't say anything at all when she woke up."

"She never does," said Skyler.

"It is a perfectly normal thing for a child to have nightmares. We don't know what this one was about; that does not mean it was about her trauma. It could have been about a monster under the bed. It is very common for children to have nightmares, and when they're in an environment they're not used to it is particularly likely - and we did discuss that last time, didn't we?"

"Yeah but you seemed to think that because she had stayed with me and Hank before and because she's frequently put to bed by Flynn when Skyler's at work that the unfamiliar place and person thing should be less of an issue."

"But she was fine when she went to bed."

"Yeah."

"Was she ok in the morning?"

"Yeah, morning was fine, we made pancakes."

"And how was she when you were making the pancakes, was she engaging with you normally?"

"Yeah, I think so. She was ok."

"Then I wouldn't worry about it. It is very common for children to have nightmares. If she had been distressed and missing her mother to an unreasonable level when she was awake, then we would need to look at that, but she wasn't. She might have just had a dream about a monster. And any child who has a nightmare will wake up screaming for their mother. That is perfectly normal. What we are trying to do in getting her to spend more time with you, Marie, is to get her to understand that when those distressing things happen like nightmares or falling over and cutting her knee, which are all normal things that make children cry, what we want to do is to get her used to having you rather than her mother comfort her when those things happen. So rather than saying that your first night together did not go well, I would say it went very well, because a normal distressing thing happened and you were able to comfort her, and you said she burrowed into your chest; that shows that she trusted you to protect her from whatever imaginary monster was there. Holly?" The doctor stood and moved towards the child, who was intently engaged in brushing the hair of a Barbie doll that was wearing a pink ball dress. She looked up, and Dr Jensen squatted down next to her. "Did you spend the night with Aunt Marie the other day?"

"Yeah."

"How was it?"

"Good, we did cooking together."

"Yeah? Do you like cooking?"

"Yeah."

"Did anything else happen?"

"We watched Ogi Bear and played with the pretty rocks."

"Pretty rocks?"

"Yeah, I showed her my husband's mineral collection," said Marie.

"Minerals!"

"They're sparky rocks," said Holly.

Marie laughed.

"Did you have a nice time?"

"Yeah."

Dr Jensen stood up and moved back towards the sofa. "I think the two of you are going to be just fine together."

Skyler dragged her hand across her eyes.

...

Kim stepped off the plane in a state of trepidation. She hadn't been here in so long. Everything in the airport was instantly recognisable to her, and she couldn't tell whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. Then she saw a sign that said "Albuquerque Sunport", and she laughed. Maybe it was a good thing.

She took a cab to her accommodation, which was at a higher end motel. Kim had reasoned that this was cheaper and more spacious than a lower end hotel. She could have afforded a higher end hotel, but since she was planning on staying for long and frequent periods, it didn't make fiscal sense to spend any more than she had to - not for a pro bono case, anyway.

After a quick lunch at the Mexican restaurant next door, she took a cab downtown. She knew the street it let her off on very well, but despite this she almost couldn't find the office she was looking for. It was announced by a tiny sign at third floor level, which was only visible from across the street. The building had a run-down appearance and was home to a variety of different businesses, including a Chinese restaurant, a dingy-looking laundromat, a loan shark, and a massage parlour she really hoped was offering massages and not something else. Finally on the third floor she found it, a wooden door with a single sign that said, "Jonathan Brown Esquire, Attorney At Law". The corners of her mouth turned up into more of a smirk than a smile. Kid was trying as hard as he could, she thought. Trying to make a career and a reputation with very limited resources. She remembered that well.

She knocked.

...

Marie opened her front door, and broke into a wide grin. "Hi!" she said, kissing her sister on the cheek and leaning down to give Holly a hug. "No Flynn?" she asked.

"No, he's at a friend's house."

"He is quite the young socialite now, isn't he?" Marie closed the door and the three of them made their way to the kitchen.

"Yeah. It's good, he was really missing out before," said Skyler. "So I wasn't gonna insist that he come here tonight."

"We'll have fun, just the three of us, won't we, Holly?"

"Sparky rocks?"

"Oh, straight to the point. Only one thing on your mind."

"Holly, what do you say?" said Skyler.

"Please can I play with the sparky rocks?"

"Well you have to always play with those with a grown-up, ok, because they're very hard and heavy and you could hurt yourself if you play with them on your own. I'm busy making dinner right now, so if you wanna show your mommy where they are, she can get them out for you."

"Ok ok ok!" yelled Holly and tore off along the corridor, her mother falling behind.

Marie checked on a roast chicken in the oven and then put some peas in a pot to boil. Her niece's voice was audible throughout the house as she excitedly told her mother about the different personalities of the minerals and the names she had given them. "See the really tall one, Mommy?" she was saying as the two of them reappeared in the dining area. Holly almost knocked the box out of Skyler's hands as she pulled it down and pointed at a pillar-shaped mineral in the middle of the pile. "He's called Tom. He's blue and really strong and tall. And this one's Ruby, she's wearing a pink tutu dress, isn't she pretty?"

Holly made another grab for the box and Skyler said, "Hang on, hang on, let's sit down. We don't wanna drop them." Skyler placed the box on the kitchen table and Holly climbed onto her lap, still talking ten to the dozen about the mineral characters.

"You want a drink, Sky?" asked Marie.

"Please."

"Aunt Marie, what's this one called?" asked Holly, holding up a particularly ugly rock with an effluent brown base colour and chunky yellow crystals sticking out of it at regular intervals that looked like pustules.

"Umm," said Marie, handing Skyler a glass of wine. "I'm not sure, I don't remember."

"I know, Bruce!" Holly yelled. "He's Bruce, Mommy, and -"

"Shhhh, inside voice, Holly."

Holly's volume dropped, but she didn't take a breath. "He's Bruce and he doesn't have a very good time because he's really ugly and nobody likes him. But I like him."

Marie snorted with laughter.

Holly placed Bruce on the table and went back to the box.

"I'm trying to figure out whether Hank would love this or be really not ok with it," said Marie, chuckling as she walked back over to the stove. "Like, every time she calls them rocks, I can hear his voice in my head going, 'They're not rocks, they're minerals!'" Marie laughed.

Skyler sipped her wine and rubbed Holly's back expressionlessly.

...

Skyler butted out her cigarette on the outside wall of the building and dropped the butt into her portable ashtray. Returning it to her pocket, she blew the last of the smoke over her shoulder as she opened the door and went inside. She climbed the stairs to the third floor and opened the door of her lawyer's small office. He was sitting behind his desk, and opposite him sat a well-dressed blonde woman. "Skyler!" he said, standing up and gesturing towards the office's only other chair. "This is the woman I told you about."

"Hi, Skyler," said the woman, standing up and extending her hand. "Kim Wexler. I've been following your case and I'd really like to help you out."

"Thank you," said Skyler hesitantly. "But I'm, you know, I -"

"Pro bono, free of charge. I have a personal interest in your case, and I'm sorry to show up at such a late stage - I've been umming and ahhing for some time over whether it was worth flying halfway across the country for, but eventually I decided that it was. I have my own firm now up in Chicago, I do both criminal and contract law, but I used to be a public defender here in Albuquerque. And I know how little time and resources they have, and your case is particularly complex, it needs a lot of work. I'm not suggesting that Jonathan is doing a bad job or anything, just that he could do with some help. If you'll have me, that is."

"Um. What's the catch?"

"No catch. It's common for lawyers to do pro bono work. It enables us to fulfil our own personal interests."

"What's your interest?"

Kim took a breath. "Let's just say I know what it's like to be lead into trouble by a man. To be lead so far from what you thought you believed in that you can't even recognise yourself anymore. And when it happens, you can either drown in your own regrets, or you can step forward and do your best to recover yourself and defend yourself. You don't seem to be doing that. Everything I've seen of you in the media, you seem to be resigned to whatever punishment they may throw at you. You seem like you've given up."

"They've got me up against a wall."

Kim nodded. "I know. Not saying it's gonna be easy. But you have so much on your side, you just have to know how to use it."

"Really?"

"Yep. I know just how to do it. If you'll have me."

Skyler raised her eyebrows, opened her mouth and then closed it again. She looked at Jonathan.

"She's legit," he said. "She's got a very good reputation in Chicago. And I don't wanna do myself out of a job here, but I am struggling with your case - I don't have enough time to give it what it deserves. I don't have the experience and knowledge Kim has either."

"I'm proposing to spend two days a week on your case between now and when the trial starts," said Kim matter-of-factly. "That should give me enough time to get my head around it, research relevant past cases, speak to all the possible witnesses, coach the ones we decide to call. And when I say two days, I work pretty long days. I'd fly in and out from Chicago as necessary and don't worry, my business would cover the flight costs. Most of it'll be free miles, actually. And then when the trial starts - actually probably from a little before then, depending on how the preparation work is going - I'll devote myself to it full-time, and ah… full-time for me is about 65 hours a week."

Skyler's mouth fell open, and so did Jonathan's. "I have 30 other clients on my books," he said. "Even during your trial, I will be required to work on others. There's not enough of us public defenders, we're… spread pretty thin. I'm not trying to get rid of you, I'm – I'm just saying. This is a good offer."

...

"Again again again!"

"Holly, that's all you ever say! C-can't you say other things like 's-stop' or 'I wanna rest now' or 'l-let's go back to Aunt Marie's house and have ice cream'?"

Holly frowned, the cogs in her little head visibly churning. "Again and ice cream?"

Flynn laughed. "Ok. Just one more time." He began to trudge back up the grassy hill. Holly ran ahead, got to the top, threw herself down and rolled all the way to the bottom squealing. Then she jumped up and ran back to the top again. "Come on come on!" she said to her brother, who was still only halfway up.

"I said o-one more time!" he said.

"One more time for you!" Holly go to the top and rolled back down again, then jumped up and ran back up again, getting to the top just as Flynn finally made it there.

"Alright," he said, throwing his crutches back down to the bottom. "Th-this is the last time, ok?"

Holly nodded seriously.

Flynn climbed onto the ground and the two of them launched off, laughing all the way down. Holly squealed as she jumped up again, then her facial expression suddenly changed as she bent forward and vomited.

"Oh no," said Flynn. "That's why you should have only done…one more time instead of th-three more times."

Holly groaned, stood up again and then fell over from the dizziness. She began to cry.

Flynn put his arm around her. "You'll be ok. Come on. Aunt Marie will be home soon."

...

Skyler took a deep breath, signed the contract and handed in to Jonathan.

"I'll have this copied and file it with the court," he said.

Kim looked at Skyler, thinking that her expression was exactly the same as she'd seen in all the news stories. She looked like a deer in the headlights. Kim leaned forward and placed a hand on Skyler's. "Relax. You have so much on your side. I'll help you find it."

Skyler breathed in awkwardly, her lips twitching and her jaw clenching with unshed tears.

Kim leaned back and positioned her pen over her notebook. "But I wanna start with the things that are not on your side. We need to identify what they all are, read the legal precedents on all of them for so long that our eyes bleed, and plan exactly how we're gonna argue back. So the first thing I have to ask is, is there anything at all that you have not yet said?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well there are a few ways I could phrase that; I could say is there anything you haven't yet admitted to, but that implies guilt, and I'm not only referring to things you might be guilty of, I'm referring to anything at all that might make you look bad. Perhaps an easier way of phrasing the question would be, is there anything the DEA did not question you about? Anything you're afraid they may yet find out? Or anything that you have wondered whether you should reveal but decided not to? I'm not suggesting that you should reveal anything more, particularly not at this late stage, but just because the DEA haven't asked you about something doesn't mean they don't know about it. Doesn't mean some witness isn't gonna come out of the woodwork and start saying things in the courtroom about which you've had no warning. What I'm proposing is that you tell those things to me and Jonathan, remembering that we have absolute and unassailable attorney client privilege: that we will not reveal anything that's not in your interest to be revealed, and even then not without your permission. We may not need to discuss those things in the courtroom because they may not come up, but if they do and we are not prepared, it could go very badly. So just have a think about it, and it doesn't have to be today by any means; just have a think yourself about what those things might be, make a list in your head - don't write it down - and it doesn't have to be today, but we can discuss them and research and plan what we'll do if they come out."

"You're not wearing a wire, are you?"

Kim laughed.

"No," said Jonathan. "I checked her out very thoroughly."

"Fair enough question," said Kim. "Ok, let me reveal my cards before you reveal yours. The first thing I should admit to is that I was disqualified from practicing law for one year seven years ago. Because I was found guilty of malpractice, because of something I did which actually turned out in my client's favour, but I went rather the wrong way about it. I accept responsibility for my actions, but the fact remains that I would not have done what I did, or even had the idea of it, had I not been encouraged by somebody else. That person was my ex-partner – and I mean partner in both the business and the romantic sense. That's what I mean when I say I know how it feels to be led astray by a man. The second thing I should reveal to you, which I'm hoping might make you trust me a little bit, is that you know him. I knew him as Jimmy McGill, but you know him as Saul Goodman."

Skyler raised her eyebrows.

"Otherwise known as the sketchiest lawyer who ever took the bar. He almost pulled me down with him but I broke free. As will you, if I have anything to do with it."

Skyler nodded, trying not to think about cigarettes. "That's quite ironic," she said.

"Yeah?"

"There have been many times when I have wished I had access to Saul's dirty tricks. I hate myself for it, but there you go. I don't think much else will save me, to be honest."

"No that's not true, you have a lot on your side."

"Like what?"

"Your obvious remorse. How far you've fallen. The fact that you're a hard-working family woman. Your kids. Your sister. Has she forgiven you?"

Skyler paused. "Forgiven is a strong word, but she's very nice to me. Not sure why."

"Is she the sort of person who would be kind to her enemies?"

"No, absolutely not. She can be a bitch if she's mad at you, so I guess she must not be mad at me because she's been consistently nice to me for a while now."

"That's the impression I got. I'd like to meet her first to be sure, but from what I've seen so far I think she'll make a very good witness."

"She's already been called for the Prosecution."

"I know. Sorry, we can't call her as a defence witness, but we can have a cross-examination that's favourable to you fall right in the middle of the Prosecution's arguments. Do you think she'd be willing to meet with me?"

"I'll ask her."

"Good. And as far as what I asked you before, as I said you don't have to answer now - you can go away and think about it - but Jonathan and I can only do our job effectively if you keep nothing back."

Skyler took a breath. "Yeah, there are quite a few things, actually. I've almost confessed one or two of them a few times. I think I deserve to be punished for them, but I can't because of my daughter. So I have to keep them quiet. But you're right, the Prosecution could find out another way and then I'd be screwed." She looked at Jonathan. "Do you have the witness list yet?"

"No, they're being cagey about it."

"They're required by law to give it to us," said Kim, "so we will get it, it's just that they're delaying. And we can't force their hand until we've finalised our witness list either."

"Well if there's anyone from the IRS on it, or Patrick Kuby, Bogdan Wolynetz or Ted Beneke, they could do me a lot of damage."

"Tell me about them."


	3. Chapter 3

Skyler got home from her evening shift to find that Flynn was gone again. The first thing he had bought when he got the money, of course, was a car. This, combined with his newfound status as a footloose and fancy-free college student, meant that he was almost never home. Flynn had nearly missed that particular boat when his family had had no money, something that had hit him particularly hard, and he'd been offered a scholarship at the University of Massachusetts but it didn't come with a living allowance, so there would have been no practical way for him to live up there. The money from Gretchen and Elliott had saved his entire future, and no-one felt the relief or the excitement more than him. He could therefore have taken UMass's offer but, wanting to stay close to his friends and family, he had decided to enrol in a full fee-paying course at New Mexico University.

If it weren't for his family circumstances, Flynn didn't think he would have done this, but he just couldn't bring himself to leave his mother on her own. It wasn't that he thought she would hurt herself exactly, at least not with Holly there, but he found he couldn't trust her to do basic things like eat or leave the house without encouragement. She never smiled, she talked far less than she ever had before, and she was so thin she looked like she was fading away. She had rallied a bit a few months ago, but now she seemed to be deteriorating again, presumably because of the stress of the upcoming trial. She had regular meetings with her lawyer, after which she would not be capable of much conversation for the rest of the day and would always seem to want to go to bed early.

This was very difficult for Flynn to witness, so he relished his time with his friends as much as he could. If he had recognised the irony that he had stayed in Albuquerque for his family but was now spending barely any time with them, he would have felt guilty. But his mother encouraged him to get out and enjoy his youth as much as possible, and this, combined with the fact that she was often working, that Holly was often with Marie, and with his subconscious psychological need to get the hell out of the apartment he hated as often as possible, meant that these days, he was away more nights than he was home.

Not bothering to turn on the lights, Skyler shuffled to the kitchen sink and drank a glass of water. Then she slowly climbed the stairs to her bedroom, not even having the energy to brush her teeth. She kicked off her shoes and pants and sank gratefully into her bed, pulling her knees towards her chest and the comforter over her head. She closed her eyes, but her mind would not be still.

...

"So what's she like?"

"You're about to find out." Skyler filled the coffee machine with water and turned it on.

"I know, but what's your impression of her? You said she wants to get to know me, apparently. Let me get to know her."

"You will in five minutes."

"Oh, attorney client privilege goes both ways, does it?"

There was a knock at the door of the apartment. Skyler went to open it.

"She's punctual, I'll give her that," said Marie.

Kim entered, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase.

"Kim, this is my sister Marie," said Skyler.

"Hi," said Marie.

Kim extended her hand. "Nice to meet you, Marie."

"Ah, coffee?" said Skyler.

"Sure, thank you," said Kim.

"Have a seat," said Skyler, and moved away into the kitchen.

Kim placed her briefcase on the small table, took out a notebook and sat down. Marie looked at the table and then at the sofa, and finally sat down at the table opposite her.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me," said Kim.

"Of course."

"Just to be clear, I know you're a prosecution witness and that's not why I'm meeting with you - I'm not permitted to ask you any questions about that. I'd just like to have a talk with you to get your perspective on things. The reason I didn't wanna meet at your house is I didn't want it to look like I was trying to lean on you in any way. I'm not. It's your decision to me with me and you can leave at any time."

"Well, I would like to be a defence witness."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Can I do both?"

Skyler brought two cups of coffee to the table and then a small plate of graham crackers, which Kim had to move her briefcase to make room for.

"I'm gonna take Holly for a walk," said Skyler. Holly was already prepared for this, being asleep in her pushchair in a corner of the room.

"Thank you, Skyler, sorry to take over your living room."

"That's fine, no problem." Skyler pushed the pushchair out the front door, and Marie and Kim were alone.

"Unfortunately no, you can't do both," said Kim. "I am glad that you want to, though – does that mean that you might be willing to plan out with me the questions I'll ask you in the cross-examination, and your answers to them?"

"Sure, yeah, I mean I do have things I need to say for the Prosecution, like I do need to report what Skyler did, truthfully because I believe in saying the truth and she did do the wrong thing, but I wanna also be able to say that Walt made her do it so it's not like it was… Like, a lot of it wasn't her fault. I mean, she could have done a lot better at stopping it, but she couldn't have prevented it. He put her in a really awful position and he just… it was just, it – it was his choice, not hers."

Kim wrote something on her notepad. Marie tried to read it upside down.

Kim looked up. "Ok, I have a few questions I'd like to ask you, a few things I'd like to get your perspective on. They're gonna be pretty direct questions, so please forgive me for that. The first one is, what kind of sentence do you think Skyler deserves?"

Marie's head moved backwards in surprise. "Direct indeed. Um. I haven't really thought about that. I've just been hoping she'll get something at the lower end of the scale."

"The term I used there was 'deserves'. What does she deserve?"

"You know you're the defence lawyer, right?"

"And you're a prosecution witness. Put yourself in that headspace. If it helps, don't think of her as your sister - try and be objective about it."

"Objectively…. she laundered hundreds of thousands of dollars through a business and lied about it. I mean she deliberately constructed a false story about where the money came from. She concealed knowledge of ongoing felonies for a very long time. She also refused to co-operate with my husband when he found out about it, and then she and Walt blackmailed him. And then he and another agent got killed, so. It was all pretty bad."

"Well, she's only being tried for money laundering. The minimum prison sentence for the amount that she is alleged to have been laundering is one year, and the maximum is nine years. So if you were the judge and you had to decide fairly on what sentence to give her, what do you think you would pick?"

"Are you pushing for one year?"

"I'm pushing for it to either be knocked back to a misdemeanor or a not guilty verdict. Based on coercion."

"She is guilty, though."

"How much coercion do you think there was?"

Marie frowned. "Walt was a really manipulative guy," she said. "Skyler will tell you that she made these decisions on her own, that buying the car wash was her idea, that the cover story about the gambling was her idea, and that she was the one who did all the actual laundering. And that's true, I know her very well and I knew Walt pretty well too, and he couldn't have done any of those things. But he did put her in a position where she felt she had to do them. For some stupid reason, she didn't have the strength to go to the cops about him. She will tell you that, while she didn't know the extent of what Walt was doing and was absolutely horrified when she found out, she will tell you that the decision to get involved was hers. She really believes that she had some kind of agency in it, rather than having been thrown into it by him. But the thing about Walt was that he was a puppet master of manipulation, and he knew how to say and do just the right things at the right times so that she would arrive at that decision. She was also afraid of him and she was also in love with him, so... she's gonna do exactly what he wants her to do."

"Do you have any examples of how Walt did this?"

"Oh, loads. I can make you a list if you like."

"That would be very helpful, thank you."

"Of him doing it to Skyler, or just in general?"

"Particularly to Skyler, but anything else that shows that aspect of his personality would be very useful." Kim wrote something down on her notepad.

"Ok."

"So, misdemeanor or felony?"

Marie screwed up her nose. "It's difficult, because you know that adorable little girl who was asleep in the pushchair just now? I love her with all my heart, and she really needs her mom to be around."

Kim shook her head. "You can't consider that. If that was a factor in criminal sentencing, all the childless people would be in prison and all the parents would be out, no matter what they'd done!"

"Felony."

Kim nodded. "What sentence?"

"Minimum. One year."

Kim nodded and wrote something in her notebook. "Do you want to get justice for your husband?"

"Jesus, you don't pull any punches!"

"It'll be worse in the courtroom."

"Do you think they'll ask me that?"

"They'll certainly try."

"Yeah well course I want justice for Hank, but I'm not gonna get it - the guys who killed him are dead! Sending Skyler to prison for longer is not gonna do anything, that's not what he would've wanted!"

"You don't blame her for his death?"

"No, I…. I used to, but… I… that hurt too much! I mean not that it's ever not going to hurt, but… I…" Marie swallowed, and her hands flailed around. She paused. "I could have lost both of them on the same day, but I chose not to. I _chose_ to keep Skyler in my life – it was hard at first, but I… I mean it's not like I'm a pushover or like I'm needy or… I'm not, I would've cut her out of my life if it was directly her fault or if she had been actively working with Walt or if it had been her idea to con us all and cook meth… But I talked about it with my therapist a lot, and I decided that I wanted to try and keep her in my life, so I went to her and I said I'm mad at you and I want you to tell me everything. I wanted to know her reasons why for _everything_. And she told me and I assessed that and…. I found that… while I wouldn't have done it myself, I _could_ understand her reasons why. She was in a difficult situation, she was put there by Walt, and she believed she didn't have a choice.

"And more than that, the thing that was immediately obvious was her regret. She is a shadow of what she used to be. She's depressed, she's anxious, she hates herself, she speaks in a monotone all the time, she shows no enjoyment in _anything_ \- in the last year and a half I have seen her smile, like a proper genuine smile, _once_ on her daughter's birthday. She is _broken_ by what she has done. She knows she did it and she blames herself for all of it, which makes it very clear one: that she didn't mean to hurt anybody, and two: that she's already suffering enough. So I would blame her for my husband's death if she was jumping around on his grave, but she's not. The one who has been hurt the most by all of this is her. Now I have the choice of whether I should cut her out of my life or not and I choose not, and she questions me over and over again on that decision because she doesn't think she deserves to be around me anymore. She treats me completely differently. Part of that is that she just is different, she has no energy or enthusiasm or drive to even say anything very much, let alone do much, but there have been so many times when I've said things and then I've thought, You would've argued with me about that. Why are you not arguing with me? Or if I've asked her to do something and she's just done it, and I've thought hang on a minute, she wouldn't have done that before. Not without questioning me or telling me I'm being unreasonable - she never tells me I'm being unreasonable anymore. I am unreasonable quite a lot of the time, and she just takes it. She thinks she deserves it."

Kim nodded, and turned a page in her notebook. "Thanks, Marie. This is very useful. So what do you think you can contribute to the Defence case?"

"Well I can tell the court that, how remorseful she is. And what I witnessed. When it was happening."

"What did you witness?"

"I was _so_ worried about her, she wasn't right - she wasn't herself then either. She had a lot more energy than she does now, but she was not right. One time she just started screaming in her office at the car wash, she was yelling - this is when she used to yell at me - she was yelling, "Shut up shut up shut up!" at me, and then she just burst into tears - she couldn't control anything, she couldn't speak, she couldn't think properly, and I just had to take her home. She'd been at work, and she's always been a very focused person at work, always very capable, and all of a sudden she wasn't capable of _anything_ and I had to take her home and put her to bed. Then fucking Walt told me she was seeing a therapist when she wasn't. Asshole. And then there was the time she got in the pool - you know about that, right? That was like self-harm, that was really scary."

"No, I don't think I've heard about that."

"It was the most harrowing thing I ever saw. It was absolutely horrible, and my heart was breaking for her, and I _just didn't know what was wrong_."

...

Skyler and Holly walked through the suburban streets for a while. Holly was still sleeping, and Skyler was quite glad of the peace and quiet. She walked to a small park about five blocks away, sat down under a tree and took a book out of her bag. She didn't open it. Instead she closed her eyes and felt the breeze on her face, then looked up at the canopy of the tree with the sunlight sprinkling softly through it, and then she looked across at the sleeping face of her daughter and wished she had more time to do this. The feeling was both liberating and stifling, because she knew that soon she would be locked away in a concrete cell.

Skyler leaned her head against the tree and tried to relax. She focused on her breathing. In and out. The book remained unopened in her hand. She pulled Holly's stroller closer so that she could hold her arm around it, and closed her eyes.

Skyler was woken by a ball hitting the trunk of the tree above her, and the sound of a child's feet rustling through the grass to pick it up.

"Did you say sorry to the lady?" came an older woman's voice.

The little boy, who had already run away from Skyler, turned back to face her. "Sorry!" he called.

"That's alright," she said. Stretching, she checked on Holly, who was starting to stir. Then she became aware that the older woman and the boy were still staring at her. A man joined them, and she saw the man and woman speak, and the woman point in her direction.

"Time to go, Holly," said Skyler, quickly jumping up and leaving the park.

She walked briskly back through the streets, looking behind herself to make sure she wasn't being followed.

"Are we going to the park, Mommy?" asked Holly.

"No, honey. We're going home."

"Were we in the park?"

"Yeah, for a little bit but now we have to go home."

"Why?"

Skyler's phone began to ring.

"Why, Mommy?"

"Hang on, darling, the phone's ringing." Skyler answered it.

It was Kim, who was just getting into her car. "You can have your house back now, thank you."

"Ok, sure."

"I think Marie will be helpful for your case, but I'd like to talk to her a bit beforehand. She has some very useful things to say, but I would need to make sure that she stays on topic. And I would want to set the topic pretty firmly. Some of the things she says are beneficial for you and some of them aren't. She said she does want to help your case, but she wants to do that because she cares about you, not because she thinks you're innocent. She thinks you're guilty."

"I know."

"Ok, well, I'll plan out my questions and I'll go through them with her beforehand. I'll design them so that she can explain things in her own words, but only on certain topics."

"Like what?"

"Primarily things to do with your relationship with Walt. I think she can add a lot to the coercion argument."

"Oh. Really?"

"I took notes on it, so I'll write it up and I can go through it with her again later."

"Ok. Thank you."

"I'll be in touch. And like I said before, if you could please keep trying to think of anyone else who could be a defence witness, anyone with knowledge of yours or Walt's personality or your relationship, or how things were for you when it was all going on - are you sure you don't want your son to testify?"

"Absolutely sure."

"It's just that I read his police statement, and the information in it would be really useful in court, but I can't turn in a written statement, I have to have him deliver it. As his parent, you can authorise that."

"No."

Kim sighed. "Alright. I'll be in touch."

"Thanks, Kim."

Kim turned her ignition key and drove away just as Skyler was entering the unit complex from the other side. She opened her front door to find Marie sitting on the sofa with her handbag over her arm. She stood up when she heard the door open.

"How was it?" asked Skyler.

"She doesn't pull any punches. When I asked you to describe her to me, if I was you, I would've said, 'She doesn't pull any punches.'"

"Well, she just called me to tell me she was impressed with you."

"Good." Marie nodded, bending down to help Holly out of her pushchair. Holly held out her arms, and Marie picked her up for a cuddle. "Good to see you, darling. I gotta go." She put Holly down on the sofa and moved towards the door.

"You ok?" asked Skyler.

Marie turned, her hand on the doorknob. "Yeah," she said expressionlessly. "See you later."

...

The next day, Skyler happened to pull up at Marie's house at exactly the same time as Flynn did. "Hey, stranger!" she said, moving towards him.

"Hey Mom," he said, hugging her. "Sorry, I ha-haven't really been around much lately, have I?"

"That is not problem at all. You're young, enjoy it as much as you can."

"I am. But i-if you need my help, just let me know. Anytime."

"Thank you." Skyler leaned into the back of her car and unbuckled Holly, who yelled "Finn, Finn!", jumped out of the car and hugged Flynn's legs.

"Hey Holly," said Flynn, patting her on the head. "A-are you here for lunch too?"

"Yeah!"

"I'm just dropping her off, I gotta go to work," said Skyler.

"Actually no, you don't got to."

"I've asked them if I can reduce my hours a bit."

Flynn rolled his eyes and knocked on the door, and Marie let them inside. Skyler was barely in before she was gone again.

She only had four weeks left. The amount of money she could earn in that time was certainly minimal, and her expenses had gone down significantly since both her children had been spending long periods out of her house. But at this point, in light of that, her only options were to work or be alone. The plan to get Holly used to being cared for by Marie would fail if Skyler spent any more time with her. Work was what kept her away. Forced her to stay away, for the good of the child. If she didn't have that distraction, she would either cave and go and spend as much time with Holly as she could, or, if she was to maintain her self-control and stop herself from doing that, she would have to remain alone. Skyler was really afraid of what would happen to her if she did that. When she was alone, her mood fell even further. She feared its associated lack of control over her actions and wits, but more than that, she just didn't want to suffer it. Being alone, for Skyler now, was hell. Going to work, tiring and soul-destroying though it was, was a welcome distraction.

"Did you and Mom have a fight?" asked Flynn as he walked back into the kitchen after seeing Skyler to the door.

"No," said Marie. "Why do you say that?"

"You di-didn't say much to each other."

"Well I never know what to say to her these days. And she was here and gone."

"Neither do I really, but... it... it just feels a bit stunted. The conversation. There's a barrier there be-because she just wants to talk about me, but it's like sh-she can't quite tell what to say either."

"Oh yeah, that's been the case for a long time, but I've been struggling particularly this week because I had a meeting with her lawyer and she made me go through everything, and I was like… oh my god, that happened. Like I think I blocked it out? I mean I know that it happened, but for a long time I wasn't thinking about it, and I think I blocked it out. And the whole thing is as ridiculous as it ever was. Like why did she do that? It was just so ridiculously stupid. And the result was the complete opposite of her intention, it was a B-grade slow motion train crash that exploded all over all of our lives. And I just can't believe that really happened."

"Y-yeah, I know what you mean. I tr-try not to think about it too. What's the lawyer like?"

"I think good. She was really direct and pulling no punches and making me as uncomfortable as possible, and I think that's what lawyers are meant to do. And she was asking me some things that she said we're not gonna talk about in the trial at all, but she wanted to ask me so she knew as background knowledge. Because she wanted to know where I was coming from. Which means she's thorough, and that's good."

"Do you have her…phone number? I wanna ask her about b-being a witness, because nobody has asked me about that a-and I don't understand why, I mean I witnessed Dad… throwing Mom to the ground, which shows a lot about the way that he… treated her, a-and surely the court needs to know that."

"Yeah. The lawyer said she's basing her argument around that, so…"

"W-why has she not contacted me, then?"

"Yeah I don't know, I'll give her a call." Marie pulled Kim's business card out of her purse and dialled.

"Kim Wexler."

"Hi Kim, it's Marie Schrader. I'm just wondering if you would like to meet with my nephew Flynn. He said he would like to be a defence witness, and he was witness to a pretty big incident that happened."

"Oh thank you, yes, I'm aware of that, but as he's under 18 I would require parental permission to call him, and Skyler isn't willing to do that."

"No, he's 18."

"He's what?"

"He turned 18 last month."

"Oh! I'm so sorry, I didn't know that. I… mustn't have researched it properly, I thought he was 17."

"Definitely 18. I was there, and I was there when he was born as well."

"Ok, um, yes, please give me his contact details."

"Well he's with me right now, do you want me to pass the phone over?"

"Sure." Kim began desperately rummaging through her briefcase and all her other notes, which formed several extensive piles on the desk in her motel room.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Flynn? My name is Kim Wexler, Wexler & Wildmann, ah…. I'm your mom's lawyer."

"I know. W-why haven't you called me? I thought someone would've… called me by now."

"You know what, I'm really glad you called me. I've gotta level with you, your mother does not want you to give evidence at the trial. And I… She didn't lie or mislead me or anything, it was my mistake, I had your age wrong and I thought you were a minor, and a minor can't be compelled to testify without the consent of their parents. But your aunt's just told me you're 18?"

"Yeah, I am, and y-you shouldn't listen to anything my mom says. Her speciality is… digging herself into as big a hole as possible and then not l-letting anyone help her out of it. Th-thank you so much for coming to help."

"You're welcome. Can we meet up?"


	4. Chapter 4

The plan to get Holly used to being taken care of by Marie was working very well. It made sense to do it whenever Skyler was at work, which was still very often despite Flynn's repeated offers to support her with the money he had been given.

A few weeks into her even lonelier life of working day and night to pay rent and bills on a place her kids were now hardly ever at, and which seemed to give her more damage than solace when she was there alone, Skyler did consider giving into this. She knew she was going to prison to be punished, and that it was therefore not strictly necessary for her to punish herself in advance in her own prison. She wanted to spend as much time as she could with her children before she couldn't anymore, and if it had been in their interests for her to do that, she would have abandoned her principles and let Flynn spend the money on her.

But it wasn't in their interests. They needed to get used to being without her. So did Marie. Skyler was watching her carefully, trying to make sure she knew what she was doing with Holly and was coping, and she was. Skyler had the thought many times that Marie was a better mother than her. For one thing, she could smile and laugh with the child, which Skyler had not been able to do for a long time. Holly and Marie had fun together. Marie made suggestions and encouraged her to try new things, something which was beyond Skyler now. She used to have an active and inquisitive mind, but it seemed to have been gummed up. She didn't have the energy or brain power to think of new things for her child. Most of the time, she had trouble just keeping up with her.

For these and many other reasons, it was better for Holly to spend as much time as possible with Marie, and for Skyler to stay away.

She was used to it with Flynn. He had been pulling away from her for years now, which was normal and healthy for a young man his age. It hurt now, and had hurt many times in the past, but she knew it was the best thing for him and she'd learned to suppress her own feelings. But why was it so much harder with Holly?

Skyler sighed as she emerged from Central Taxis and lit a cigarette. It had been a long day. In the morning she had had a meeting with Kim which, rather than calm her nerves about the potential outcome of her upcoming trial, always seemed to freak her out even more. Then she had been supposed to do a short a day shift at work, but two people had phoned in sick for the later shift, which meant that Skyler was asked to stay on, fortunately not all night but long enough for her not to be able to get to Marie's until well after Holly was asleep.

"Sorry," she said weakly when Marie answered the door.

"You know you don't have to do that job anymore, right? Since you have a millionaire son who's willing to support you?"

"Well I still have to pay rent and bills and, you know, eat."

"Yeah, that's what Flynn said he's willing to cover."

Skyler didn't reply, walking to Holly's bedroom door and going inside. Marie went to the living room bar and grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses, taking them over to the coffee table, where she poured herself a glass and sat down in an armchair.

Skyler reappeared some minutes later looking very subdued. She sank onto the sofa and accepted the glass of wine her sister offered. "Thank you. Was she ok today?"

"Yeah. She missed you at dinner, though."

"I missed her at dinner."

"Have you eaten?"

"Yeah, I grabbed a salad roll from a 7-Eleven."

"Would you like something more substantial?"

"No, I'm fine. Thank you, though."

"Alright. Returning to our previous conversation."

"No, don't."

"The job is eating into your time too much. I mean, I don't wanna freak you out, but it's only four weeks until -"

"Yeah, I know. But it's Flynn's money, not mine."

"He has more than enough for himself, and Gretchen and Elliott said that it was to be used for his family too."

"Well are you gonna stop working?"

"No, but my job is only in business hours and will be ongoing for years; I don't see how whatever you can earn in only four weeks at what do you make, $8 an hour? can make any impact at all."

"$8.50."

"You need to pack up the house anyway - you're all moving out of it. It's not like he'd be paying ongoing rent for you, it's temporary."

"The money is not for me."

"It's not about that, it's about your time. We're… gonna lose you for quite some time, and we would like to spend some time with you before you... go."

"I'm sorry - it's a burden on you, I know."

"No! I love the kids, I'm just saying we, all three of us, would like to spend some time with you, and we're sick of witnessing you working your hands to the bone unnecessarily! And Holly needs to be around you while she still can, so that -"

"I thought we were trying to wean her off me and onto you."

Marie's eyebrows rose and she paused. "Ok, well that is a bizarre term to use to describe it, but yes, we are, but it's supposed to be gradual."

"It is gradual - we did one night a week, then two, now it's three -"

"It's not based on any schedule at the moment, it's based on your work!"

Skyler's heartbeat quickened. "Is she ok?"

"Yes."

"Did something happen today?"

"No no, I'm not saying that -"

"Has she been upset?"

"No - she kept asking when you were going to come, but not excessively, not an upset way."

"I just thought that... well based on what Dr Jensen was saying, if we can gradually get her used to me not being around, it'll be a lot easier on her when…"

"When you go to prison. You can say the words, it's a lot better for you mentally if you don't dodge around things and hide from them; that just makes them worse - you don't know this because you haven't had therapy, but I have and I know that running away from things increases their power over you, but talking about them openly decreases it."

Skyler swallowed. "Do you think she's ok? Is the process working?"

"Yes, yes, that's not why I brought it up! It's just... you shouldn't disappear completely."

"I'm going to."

"I know, but before that we should make some nice memories together!"

"Is she alright? Did she cry today?"

"No, she's fine, that's not why I brought it up. She was disappointed you didn't come to dinner. So was I."

"I'm sorry."

"I just think that given that money is not an issue anymore, there are better things you could be doing with your time right now. You could be working on your case - didn't your new lawyer say there was a bunch of research that had to be done? And you need to pack up your house. And spend some time with your family before you lose the ability to."

"Mommy?"

Both women jumped and turned to see Holly standing at the edge of the sofa holding a teddy bear. "Are you back, Mommy?" She climbed onto the sofa and crawled over to Skyler, who took her onto her lap.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I'm late, darling," she said, stroking the child's face. "Why aren't you asleep?"

"I looking for you. Can I have a cuddle?"

"Of course you can." Skyler leaned back. Holly snuggled into her chest and promptly fell asleep again.

"She asleep?" asked Marie.

"Yeah." Skyler held her close and looked at her, a look of deep concern on her face.

"She's fine. I didn't mean it like that. Hey, you wanna start planning the..." Marie's volume fell. "...birthday party?"

Skyler leaned her head back on the sofa, emitting a small cry.

"Jenny at work was telling me there's a company that will come to your house and host parties in whatever theme you want, and they have actors working for them who do characters, so like you can have fairies or wizards or animals, or... So I was thinking we could give Holly a list - discreetly, you know - of all the ones that they do and just ask her which one of those she would like the best. I think she would really like fairies, but she's interested in so many different things, it's hard to tell. What do you think?"

Skyler shrugged. "I'm probably not gonna be here. So yeah, you should do something really good, give her a treat. Take her mind off it."

"You'll be here."

"It's a week after the trial starts."

"It'll take longer than that. You'll still be here."

"A lot of trials take less time than that."

"Less complicated ones."

"Anyway yes, I agree, Holly should have a very special third birthday."

"Alright, you want me to look into it?"

"Sure. Thank you."

"Ok. And can you please think about what I said about work? Are you working tomorrow?"

Skyler shook her head.

"You're not?"

"No."

"Well take the kids and do something fun. You can go to the aquarium! Or the zoo, or Cliff's - that's fun. Ask Flynn and Holly what they wanna do."

"Flynn's probably busy."

"Flynn will clear his calendar for family stuff."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I don't wanna make him do that, though. He's 18, he should be out having a good time with his friends. And he does, and that's fine. I don't wanna intrude on that."

"He's been here four days this week."

...

"It wasn't like that! I really loved my dad, bu-but he betrayed my whole family and caused…so much pain to us and to-to so many other people – I can't forgive him for that, h-he was an asshole!"

"What about your mom?"

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"Did she lie to your family? Did she hide things from you?"

"Yes, but…"

"But…"

"I…Mom…."

"This is where you jump in and defend her," said Kim, pacing around the motel room. "The prosecutor won't give you much time to talk – not on that topic, anyway – you need to be ready to go, jump right in there."

"Well, Mom was j-just trying to protect us - I mean yes she hid things from us, but it was…because she thought we would g-get hurt more if she revealed them."

"Hurt in what way?"

"Well when Dad got found out, th-the government took our house and all our money - I mean, th-that was-"

"You don't wanna focus on that: the money was illegitimate."

"The house wasn't!"

"Dad used his illegitimate money to pay the mortgage on the house without Mom knowing about it, and when she found out she realised that if Dad was caught, she I and my sister would become homeless because the house would be seized. Make your dad the subject of the sentence because he's the one who did it - not your mom, and not the government - we can't criticise the government for taking the house because that's the law, and the court upholds the law."

"Y-yeah, I can see that sounded bad."

"That's ok, we've still got plenty of time to practise. Another point," Kim raised a finger, "is that in any situation where there is more to tell, where you have more to say, do not start your sentence with a yes or a no. Just before I asked you, 'Did your mom lie to your family and did she hide things from you?' The answer is yes, right?"

"Yeah."

"Yes it is, but when you said yes, I immediately cut you off, because you'd already answered my question and that means it's ok for me to move on and ask you another question. That's how questioning works, especially in a courtroom, and from what I've heard about the prosecutor we've got, he is known for cutting people off. If he gets a yes or a no out of you he'll consider that question done, and move straight on to the next one. So if he asks you, 'Did your mom lie to your family?', what do you say?"

"Sh-she was trying to protect us."

Kim smiled. "That's right. And he may press you further – I'm not saying evade the questions and I'm not saying never give yes or no answers – sometimes there's nothing to say other than yes or no. But 'Did your mom lie?' is a question that's designed to make her look bad. You need to counteract that by jumping straight in with the reason she lied – if you think it is a good reason."

"I-I do; and it wasn't just the money, there-there were lots of really scary people that Dad was working with; th-they were criminals, and if you go to tell…the Police about criminals, they could just kill you."

"Yes. That's a very good point to emphasise – that's a really central one. So we'll go through everything a few more times until you've worked it down to some key concise points you can make that explain things clearly, and you can practise saying them in your own time and you can ask me for help anytime. They probably won't ask you about all of them, but it's better to be prepared."

"Y-yeah."

"Alright. How do you feel?"

"L-like there's a lot to be done, but…I'll do it."

Kim nodded. "You will." She smiled. "How do you feel about going through my questions?"

"Wh-what about?"

"Well the points you just made about the criminal threat and your mom protecting you and stuff, I'm not gonna be asking you about that because I'll be asking her about it, but it's really important that you know about it and you have all those points prepared to say in case the Prosecution asks you about it."

"Right."

"I'm gonna be focussing on what you were directly witness to, which was the events of March 13th 2010 and your parents' relationship with each other, how they were around each other, and also what your mom is like as a person and what your dad was like as a person – like we talked about when we met up the first time."

Flynn nodded. "Ok."

"Do you wanna practise some questions about that?"

"Sure."

"Ok. Let's go."

...

Skyler read Holly a bedtime story, like she did every night and had taught Marie to do, too. As she read, she ran her finger beneath the words, which a parenting book had told her is good preparation for teaching children to read.

She closed the book and stroked Holly's hair. "Time to go to sleep now," she said softly.

Holly looked at her mother with wide eyes and said, "Why are you so busy now, Mommy?"

"Busy?"

"Yeah. You don't spend much time with me now."

Skyler took a breath, and looked at Holly's little face. "I'm sorry," she said.

"Why?"

"It's not that I don't want to. If I could choose, if it was up to me, I would be with you all the time. You're my favourite person to be with." She stroked the child's cheek.

"You're my favourite person too."

Tears appeared in Skyler's eyes, and Holly saw them.

"Why are you always sad?"

"Because some very sad things happened when you were a baby. Not your fault. Nothing to do with you. But they still make me sad, and they're also the reason why I have to be busy all the time."

"Was it when Uncle Hank died?"

Skyler's heart skipped a beat. She'd never heard Holly says those words before. "Did Aunt Marie tell you about that?"

"No, Finn."

"Oh."

"Aunt Marie said it makes her sad too. But she's not as sad as you."

"That's true." Skyler nodded. "Yes, I am sad because Uncle Hank died. But that wasn't the only thing that happened. A lot of sad things happened, and I think about them a lot. And that makes me sad."

"Don't think about them."

Skyler shrugged. "I wish I could stop but I can't."

"You're such a nice lady, Mommy, you shouldn't be sad."

Skyler smiled with her mouth but not her eyes. Then she leaned closer and began to stroke Holly's hair. "Let me tell you something really important. You need to make sure that you always remember it. It's really really important." Skyler paused just long enough to swallow her tears. She looked away, and then she looked back. "Holly, I love you so much. I think you are the most wonderful girl who ever lived. And everything I do is for you and your brother; you are the two most important people in the world to me. I think about you all the time and I love you so much. But sometimes the things that I have to do take me away from you. That's why I'm busy now, and it's why in a little while I'm gonna have to go away for a while. It's not your fault. If I had any choice I wouldn't do it. If I had any choice, I would stay with you always."

"Why?"

"There are always some things you don't have a choice about. Like how you don't have a choice about brushing your teeth or having a bath. You have to do them even if you don't want to. Or like how Flynn has to walk with crutches. He doesn't have a choice."

"What if he didn't?"

"He'd fall over. He wouldn't be able to walk. There are some things that we just don't have a choice about. And unfortunately, one of those things keeps me away from you. But I promise you it won't be forever and it doesn't mean I love you any less. And when I am away from you, I am thinking about you and missing you all the time. All the time."

"I think about you too. When you're not here."

"Oh, don't. Don't do that. You just enjoy being with Aunt Marie or Flynn or your friends. Just have fun. You don't need to think about me. Don't do that."

"Why?"

"Because that's not how it works. Mommies think about their children, but children don't need to think about their mommies. Especially not if their mommy's not there. You will be just fine without me. Time to go sleep now, ok?" Skyler leaned forward and kissed Holly's forehead.

"I don't want you to go away."

"I'll stay until you fall asleep. Shhh now." Skyler stroked Holly's hair and began to sing.

"_Hush, little baby, don't say a word,  
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird._

_And if that mockingbird don't sing,  
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring._

_And if that diamond ring turns brass,  
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass._

_So hush little baby don't you cry, Aunt Marie loves you and so do I."_

Skyler sang a few more verses until she was certain Holly was asleep. Then she sat and gazed at her tiny sleeping face for a long time.

She was almost asleep herself when she heard a key turn in the lock downstairs. Standing up and rubbing her sore neck, she padded downstairs to meet Flynn.

"Hey Mom," he said, giving her a hug.

"Hi, honey. You want something to eat?"

"No thanks. I've been at Pizza Hut with L-Louis and Bianca and we ate… a lot."

"Ok. Soda then?"

"Sure, ok."

Skyler poured Flynn a soda and herself a glass of cheap wine, something her budget allowed her to have now that she was spending less on food for the children. She handed him his glass and sank onto the sofa next to him.

"You're not gonna offer me s-some wine?"

"No, you're 18." Skyler sighed and leaned back, looking straight ahead.

"L-listen, I've been meaning to... tell you something. Y-you won't like it, but it's for your own good, so."

Skyler turned to look at him.

"I've been m-meeting with your lawyer. She said the only reason she h-hadn't asked to meet… me before now was sh-she thought I was 17. But because I'm 18 I can decide myself what I do. So I'm gonna be a… defence witness for you."

Skyler closed her eyes.

"She was really grateful that I ph-phoned her because she said what I have to say is really… important and it's s-specifically connected with what she's building her entire case around. Sh-she said it could make the difference between a guilty or not guilty verdict. It's r-really important."

"I am guilty, Flynn."

"No you're not, y-you only did it cos Dad made you."

Skyler opened her mouth, wanting to say, 'He didn't make me,' but then she heard Holly saying, 'I don't want you to go away,' and she fell silent.

"Anyway, I'm 18 so it's my choice. So th-that's that."

"Did she explain to you what it will be like? You'll have to stand in front of lots of people you don't know, in a really scary, high-stress kind of place, and talk about the most horrible thing that ever happened to you. And even if you're ok with being asked about it by Kim, after that you'll be cross examined by the Prosecution lawyer, and they will do everything they can to make you become upset and contradict yourself."

"I won't."

"They will question every single thing about what you say. They'll act like you're a liar."

"I-I'll just tell the truth."

"About the most harrowing thing you ever witnessed? That's not fun to talk about, that stuff, but to be questioned on it, to be contradicted - yes, it is a key piece of evidence, and the Prosecution knows that, they will do everything they can to-"

"Y-you know what, Mom? Y-you may have let your principles slide to hell, but I haven't. When I was gr-growing up, I was taught, _by my parents_, that I should… always do the right thing, n-no matter what. That doing the right thing is an end in itself and I sh-shouldn't see any reward or be… scared of any consequence of doing the right thing."

"What makes you think this is the right thing?"

"Because it'll stop you rotting in prison for nine years!"

"Your Uncle Hank and Agent Gomez and a 14-year-old boy in Whitehorse and an 11-year-old boy downtown, and a mother in Houston -"

"Died because of Dad. Because of Dad. Not you."

"I don't understand why you treat me differently to him."

"Because you are different! N-none of it was your idea, you didn't want it – y-you didn't stop it, sure. Your crime was that you didn't stop it. Blaming you… f-for that is victim blaming. And I don't think you could have… stopped it anyway, because Dad was an asshole who never l-listened to anyone, least of all you. You don't believe me when I say anything about it be-because you think I don't know anything. And if it was up to you, I wouldn't, but I do - I read the news, I talk to Aunt Marie, I talk to Kim W-Wexler, and in the trial I'll probably find out… some things that I didn't know, b-but that doesn't phase me because -"

"No no no, you're not going to the trial."

"I've just said. I'm 18. Your lawyer wants to call me. Y-you don't get a choice."

"If you wanna do that, fine. But you are not sitting in the public gallery for any other part of it. You come in, say your bit and you go."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you to watch it."

"It affects me, it's my… business, it's my decision."

"No it's not, it's my business! I don't want you to know everything about me! Do you want me to know everything about you? Like where you go when you're out all night? Are you getting drunk? Are you having sex? Do you want me to know that? I don't ask you. I respect your privacy. Please respect mine."

"Th-that's not the same thing at all."

Skyler drained her glass of wine and got up to pour another one. "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"

"What?"

"Would you tell me, your mother? Of course you wouldn't. Would it make me think less of you? If I knew?"

"Do you mean morally or l-legally?"

Skyler shrugged, spilling a little wine on her lap as she sat back down. "Either, I don't know, it's a rhetorical question so it doesn't matter. My point is -"

"L-legally the worst thing I have done is drink underage, and one time I dr-drove my car after doing it. And I've witnessed drug use but not… partaken in it, but I didn't go and turn them into the cops, s-so that's illegal too, isn't it."

Skyler scrunched up her eyes and fell forward, her heart pounding. She leaned back again, opened her eyes and looked at him. "I didn't wanna know that, honey. That does change the way I think about you."

"I don't do drugs, Mom. For obvious reasons, f-funnily enough."

"Drinking and driving? Now I'll have nightmares about you dying in a car crash!"

"Well why did you ask me, then?"

"It was rhetorical question! My point was I do not want to know those things about you and I don't want you to know those things about me!"

"You don't wanna know because y-you wanna turn a blind eye again. How is that helpful? Responsible, r-respectful adults talk about things honestly. I don't care if you get mad at me about it, I don't e-even care if you wanna parent me about it, if you wanna s-sit me down and say, 'Hey Junior, drinking and driving is a r-really bad idea because it's dangerous, s-so how about next time you arrange to stay the night.' Well don't worry, Mom, I… didn't enjoy the experience because I th-thought it was kinda scary actually, so I'm not planning on doing it… again, and I have stayed overnight e-every time I was drinking since then. That's why I've been away all night. And the only reason I didn't… tell you that before now is y-you didn't ask me. If you ask me, I will be… open and… honest with you. You, on the other hand, do e-everything you can to not answer my questions and to fr-freeze me out of your life!"

"I'm not…" Skyler looked away, and then back again. "That's not what I'm doing. I just… I can't handle you being there."

"I have a right to know what happened to my family! If you don't let me… watch the trial I'll see it all i-in the newspapers and on the… internet anyway, s-so I don't see why you're making a big deal -"

"That's not the same thing. Reading something in a newspaper is not the same as hearing a witness recount it in distressing detail -"

"Oh, of course. The real reason comes out. You wanna prevent me from kn-knowing anything ever because y-you wanna protect me from the evil truth."

"I can't handle you being there."

"What does that mean?"

"It'll make you think less of me."

"D-do you think less of me now you know I get drunk every other night? Y-you're doing exactly the same thing _right_ _now_!"

"Enough!" Skyler's volume rose, and she pointed a finger in his face. "I can give you exactly two choices on this. One, you disrespect my wishes and sit in the public gallery for the whole trial and you do _not_ give evidence."

"What?"

"_Or _you stay away from the public gallery but you do give evidence. Kim Wexler works for me, not you, I can stop her calling you. Those are my terms. Take it or leave it."

"Why would you s-stop her calling me when it's in your interest to -"

"_Take it or leave it._"

"You're being ridiculous! Is Aunt Marie allowed to listen to it?"

"I can't deny Marie anything and I'm sure she'll tell you all about it, so I don't know why you're worrying!"

"If that's the case then w-what's the point in -"

"This discussion is over." Skyler stood and walked to the kitchen, where she poured herself another glass of wine.

"Oh great, n-now you're gonna keep drinking!"

Skyler turned and looked Flynn defiantly in the eye.

"Y-you know what?" Flynn stood. "If you wanna destroy your own life, th-that's up to you. I'm done with it. I don't know w-why I thought I could convince you to take a… reasonable view on anything!" He turned and stormed out the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Marie pulled the purple stocking over the coat hanger and attempted to connect it with the glue she had placed on the other side. It wouldn't reach, so she pulled harder. She got it there, pressed it into the glue and let go, only to have it snap back with a twang and splash glue onto her face. "Oh, shoot," she said. The other side had turned out perfectly, but somehow she had ended up with less material for this side. She picked up the spare piece of stocking she had cut off and discarded and wondered if she could reattach it. Then she heard a knock at the door. She opened it with her creation still in her hand. It was Flynn. "Hey! Check it out, I'm making fairy wings for Holly's party. Although these ones aren't going too well, so they can be for me - I'll make more for Holly once I know what I'm doing. Do you wanna be a wizard? Or an elf? Oh my god, you would be the best elf! The magazine that has the wings instructions in it also has the best instructions for making elf ears!"

"Oh." Flynn nodded unenthusiastically. "Ok."

Marie led him through to the dining room and picked up a magazine off the table, which was also strewn with glitter, purple tinsel and various craft products. Marie began flipping through the pages. "Oh where was it, it was in here somewhere. Ah!" She held up a picture of a boy in an elf costume. "That would work for you, right?"

"I guess."

"Oh, of course. I should have known you wouldn't be enthused with the idea of dressing up for a fairy party. That's fine cos I'm loving it, and your sister is gonna go crazy! Oh my god, I can't wait to see her little face!" Marie grinned.

Flynn nodded half-heartedly.

"What's up with you?"

"I had a f-fight with Mom."

"Oh."

"Can I stay here tonight?"

"Of course! Ah, take a seat, do you want a drink or something?"

"Can I have a glass of w-wine please?"

"Umm."

"Are you gonna treat me like a… baby too?"

"No, it's not that, I'm fine with the idea in principle, it's just are you asking me because you would genuinely enjoy having a glass of wine with me, or because you wanna get back at your mother?"

"No, I'm asking because I'm an… adult and I wanna have a glass of wine w-with another adult - is there anything wrong with that?"

"No, there's nothing wrong with that. We can do that." Marie walked over to the bar. "Red or white?"

"R-red. Thank you."

"You have mature tastebuds, don't you?" Marie pulled a bottle from under the bar and began pouring. "Now just to be clear, we are only gonna have one glass each. Because it is also mature to be controlled about your drinking."

"Yeah, unlike Mom, who's probably drunk a wh-whole bottle by now."

Marie winced. "Oh. Sorry to hear that. Is that why she was upset?"

Flynn sighed. "To be fair to her, I pr-probably made her drink faster by continuing to talk about… s-something she was trying to run away from."

"Oh ok, yeah. She's good at that." Marie put the bottle away and carried the two glasses to the coffee table. Marie sat in the armchair that Hank once sat in when he was talking about tagging trees.

Flynn sat on the sofa opposite. "Sh-she said I'm not allowed to watch the trial in… the public gallery. E-even now, after so much time, she's s-still trying to prevent me from… knowing stuff. Which won't even work, because it'll all be in the media, a-and she said she's ok with you being in the public gallery, sh-she said I can ask you and you can tell me! S-so preventing me from being there doesn't… achieve anything at all! W-what's the point?"

Marie took a sip of her wine, frowned and nodded. "That's fair enough, actually," she said.

"What?"

"It's a fair enough thing for her to want. I mean, all of the most intimate details of her life are gonna be laid out there for everyone to see. If I was her, I wouldn't want my son to see it."

"I understand that that's aw-awkward and everything, b-but I'm gonna find out anyway. It'll be on the news, it'll … be in the newspapers, it'll be on s-social media, _e-everyone_ I know will be talking about it - y-you will be talking about it! I get why she's uncomfortable with this… happening, but sh-she can't actually control it. I'm gonna find out either way. I'd rather be given the dignity to f-find out on my own rather than having to be… told by a newsreader or my best friend's girlfriend!"

"That's not what the problem is, though. I mean yes that is a problem for her, you finding out all her personal information, but she can't control it, you're right. I think it's more likely that she just doesn't wanna see you when that happens. She doesn't wanna be sitting there in the courtroom watching your face and trying to figure out what you're thinking. And worrying about you. Which is what she always does all the time, by the way. Anytime you or Holly are in the same room, she is not focusing on her own thoughts and feelings at all, which when she's on trial is a problem. She needs to hear what's being said, she needs to react appropriately, she needs to appear focused and committed to the process. Otherwise she'll look bad in front of the jury."

"W-what, you think I'll distract her?"

"Yeah. The entire time she'll be thinking, 'What's Flynn thinking, what's Flynn feeling?' And if you're in the public gallery then she can see you, and if that was me, I would be trying to read the person's face the whole time. I've caused myself so much grief by doing that - you see things that aren't there, you talk to the person later and they're like, 'No, I wasn't thinking that,' but in the moment when you see their face, you can't help wondering. She'll probably be wondering if you'll ever speak to her again."

Flynn frowned. "But I'm not gonna… I mean, I wanna know more about it, but I'm not gonna… reject her."

"You rejected your father."

"Sh-she didn't do what he did. Do you think the trial is going to... d-do you think she did?"

"No, I don't. I think there are some things that are gonna come out in the trial that we don't know about yet, but I think she thinks they're worse than they actually are. But actually I think what concerns her more than the idea of you rejecting her is the idea of you suffering any pain because of the whole thing. She doesn't care about herself at all, but if she was sitting in the courtroom and she saw you becoming visibly upset about something, or worse still if she was actually being questioned herself and she couldn't bring herself to answer a question properly because she couldn't bear to see your face when she admitted to something that you don't know about yet. What if she compromises her own evidence because of it?"

"Sh-she didn't say anything about that, though. She just kept talking about privacy. It's not… private, it's a trial!"

"It's gonna be hard for her. And as we said before, she does have a tendency to try and run away from anything that's unpleasant, so she's probably trying not to think about it too much now. But it's gonna be hell for her. It's gonna be horrible to hear it all laid out. She doesn't wanna hear it herself, let alone you."

Flynn began feeling a familiar stab of guilt. "I guess I wasn't being very understanding."

"I'm not saying that. It's a reasonable thing for you to want as well. But she really needs to focus on herself, on her reactions, her facial expressions, her stance, the way she's sitting - she said her lawyer is actually giving her instructions about that. How to look, how to sit. She needs to be focused. And if you're there, she's just gonna be thinking about you, not her."

"I ha-hadn't thought about it that way."

"Don't worry, it is _very _hard to try and figure out where Skyler is coming from." Marie sighed. "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom."

As she walked along the hallway, Marie took her phone out of her pocket and texted Skyler. _Flynn's here. Are you alright?_

Her message tone beeped while she was in the bathroom, and she opened it after she finished washing her hands. _Is he ok?_, said the reply.

Marie walked back into the living room and sat on the sofa next to Flynn. "Never thinking about herself, you see," she said, handing him her phone.

Flynn sighed. "I should go back over there."

...

Skyler sat on the floor with her back to the wall, her arms hugging her legs, her head drooping between her knees. She heard the sound of keys in the lock, and raised her head slowly.

Flynn looked down at her, and his heart broke. "W-what are you doing on the floor? Are you ok?"

He stepped falteringly towards her as she looked up at him, her eyes glistening. "No," she said weakly. "In 3 weeks' time I have to go to prison. How could I be ok?"

"Come on." Steadying himself on his left crutch, he held his right arm out to her and tried to pull her up. This took a bit of effort from both of them, but finally Skyler got half upright and Flynn put his arm around her and sat her on the sofa. "How much did you drink?" he asked.

"I only had one bottle. I could only afford one bottle."

"Good."

"You're not gonna give me money for that."

"No, I'm not."

"I set a very bad example for you. I'm sorry. Don't be like me. Don't do it."

"The way that I am l-like you is that I care about other people. I'm… sorry about what I said before. I shouldn't have treated you… like that."

"No, I'm sorry. I yelled at you. I'm sorry."

"Are you scared? About what they're gonna say in the trial?"

"I'm so scared." Skyler began to cry. "I'm so scared."

Flynn pulled her close. "It's ok Mom, I-I won't go to the public gallery. I'll be a witness, b-because that will help. And if there's anything else I can do to help, y-you let me know."

Skyler sobbed.


	6. Chapter 6

"Skyler, hi. Come in. Do you want some coffee, or…?"

"No thank you."

"Alright." Kim sat down at the motel room's small desk and gestured for Skyler to sit on the other side of it. She handed her a piece of paper. "Prosecution witness list came through," she said.

Skyler's eyes looked down the list, her pulse quickening. It began with several names of DEA agents and APD officers. The next name after them was Marie's.

"Is this the order they'll be called in?"

"Not necessarily."

"Patrick Kuby and Huell Babineaux."

"Yeah. I'm glad you told me about Kuby before, means I've had time to dig up an awful lot of dirt on him. I'm pretty confident I can discredit him in the witness box."

Skyler nodded warily.

"I've defended Babineaux before. Thought I better level with you on that."

"Does that mean you have dirt on him?"

Kim laughed. "Attorney-client privilege, remember! You better hope I respect that!"

"Of course, I'm sorry."

"I do. I follow all the rules. Actually, you said that you didn't have many dealings with Babineaux."

"No."

"Are you sure about that? Think back, it's really important."

"No, he... he was just always there. He was Saul's bodyguard, so he would be there in his office when I went - I mean not in the office, he would be sitting just outside the door. And once or twice Walt and I had a meeting with Saul at Walt's condo, and Babineaux came inside to use the bathroom once."

"So he was present at your meetings with Saul Goodman?"

"Not present in the meetings, he would be somewhere in the vicinity outside of the room. Saul never seemed to go anywhere without him."

"He was his bodyguard?"

"Yeah."

Kim rolled her eyes and sighed. "Some things don't change. So did he ever... thinking back, I want you to think on this carefully, is there anything that he could have overheard? From his position outside the room or in the bathroom?"

"I don't think so. Saul's office must have had pretty serious soundproofing - the waiting room was always like a zoo, but you couldn't hear anything from the office. And at Walt's, the bathroom was upstairs, so. I can't say for sure, but it seems unlikely."

"So you think Kuby has more on you."

"Yeah, Kuby was the one I dealt with directly. On the car wash thing. But he and Babineaux were also hired by Saul to convince Ted Beneke to pay the IRS, but I didn't deal with them directly on that. I only dealt with Saul. And I told him that I didn't want Ted hurt."

"Beneke is not on the list. It's a notable absence."

Skyler looked at the list again. She saw the name of the IRS agent, and Bogdan Wolynetz. The paper the list was written on began to crumple at the sides as her hand flexed. The other hand gripped the edge of her chair.

"I'd imagine they probably didn't think Beneke was a credible witness."

"Because he was cooking his own books?"

"Yeah, maybe. He was charged with tax evasion about 16 months ago and he pled guilty."

Skyler's eyes widened. She hadn't heard about this.

"He got off with a slap on the wrist though, suspended sentence. On account of his condition. I'd say from the timeline that that must have happened after the IRS saw you on the news, and they reported the meeting that the two of you had with them. Re-investigated Beneke's case. The agent who met with you is on the list."

"I hope Ted's ok."

"Were you two close? What surprises me about this is, him being a tax cheat notwithstanding, he could testify against you for setting Kuby and Babineaux on him - that's not related to the tax fraud at all, and they could easily have him give evidence on that and not on the tax fraud if they chose. Thing is, though, that Kuby and Babineaux have not been charged with that. I mean not even arrested and then charges dropped; that appears nowhere in the records on either of them. And if the authorities hadn't found out about it by another way, they would have no reason to bring it up. The two of them are friends - they're not gonna turn each other in. They've obviously been given some incentives to spill whatever they know about you and Saul, but if they're not talking about that stand over, the only reason the authorities are gonna know about it is if Beneke tells them, and I suspect he hasn't done. Otherwise surely they would call him to use that against you."

"He told me he wouldn't say anything to anyone."

"Why?"

"Fear." Skyler gulped. "I think."

"What else could it have been? I don't want you to say 'think', I want us to be as sure as we can. That's the best way to be prepared."

"Yeah, actually..." Skyler sighed. "There is something about that that I didn't tell you, mainly because it's not relevant - well I hope it's not relevant. I actually think it would harm my case if it got out. Marie does know about it, though. But she might think it was one of Walt's lies, I'm not sure."

"Alright, well you better let me know. If it's not relevant that's great, but remember that I need to have as much background knowledge as I can. I don't wanna be surprised by it if it's suddenly pulled out in court."

"I had an affair with Ted Beneke."

"Ah. When?"

"When I kicked Walt out of the house and then he moved back in and I couldn't do anything about it. Ted was an old friend, and... I just needed to escape somehow."

"Escape from Walt?"

"Yeah."

"Did he find out about it?"

"Yeah, I told him."

"You told him?"

"Yeah, the other thing was... I wanted to escape, and I really had no other way of doing that. It was literally the only thing that I could control. But it wasn't just that. It was that I wanted to get back at Walt."

"What did he do?"

"Got angry at Ted."

"Did he get angry at you?"

"A bit. Not that much."

"Ok. Yeah. It's probably best if that doesn't get out because… it makes it look like you had more power than Walt."

"I didn't. He moved back into my house and he wouldn't leave, he was trying to give me this dirty money that he'd made, and…. I felt trapped and powerless, I didn't know what to do, and Ted… Ted was just an escape. It just helped me deal with it."

"Did you talk to Ted about what was going on?"

"No."

"And timeline-wise... when was this Beneke book-cooking going on?"

"A little bit before that, but around the same time."

"Right."

"Could they still add him? To the witness list?"

"Yeah, if he comes forward… If it does come out, we need to emphasise the 'you felt trapped' angle. You said you felt it was the only thing you could control – I can work with that, but it is definitely something that's better kept quiet." Kim rubbed her hand over her eyes. "And you said Beneke didn't pay you any extra to sign off on the books, right? He didn't bribe you?"

"No."

"Why did you do it, then?"

"Because he told me that the company would go bankrupt otherwise. Which it has since done. Everybody lost their jobs. He said he was doing it because he didn't want that to happen, and I believed him. I thought it was fair enough. And I didn't wanna turn him in, because, as you have probably noticed, that's not me. I don't like to point the finger at people, especially not when the consequences of me doing so would be very far reaching for other people. In Ted's case that was the collapse of Beneke Fabricators, everybody losing their jobs, and in Walt's case it was the collapse of our family, the loss of our house, the loss of Flynn's college fund…" Skyler closed her eyes and squeezed the bridge of her nose. "I didn't turn them in because I was trying to prevent that. Prevent the loss and destruction - obviously I failed, but..."

Kim nodded. "That's good. I can work with that."

...

Skyler, Marie, Holly and Flynn were in Dr Jensen's waiting room. Holly and Flynn were playing with the toys there. Dr Jensen came through her office door and was about to speak when Marie waved at her to stop. She went over to her and begin discussing something in a low voice. Dr Jensen nodded. Marie nodded at Skyler. Skyler looked at Flynn. "You go," she said. "I'll stay with Holly."

"I th-think it should be you," said Flynn. "You're the one who's… You're… you're her mom, I-I'm not…."

Skyler looked back at Marie, who was now beckoning to her. Gritting her teeth, she stood and walked slowly into the doctor's office.

"So how long is it now?" asked Dr Jensen as the three of them sat down on the couches.

"Two weeks until the trial starts," said Marie. "We don't know how long the trial's gonna go for."

"Sounds like you don't have high hopes about it going your way."

"Not really, no. It might. But we have to plan for... it not."

"I agree. Even if you were convinced of a not guilty verdict, I would still be advising you to do this preparation. You need to tell her."

"When?"

Dr Jensen sighed. Skyler looked at the floor and wished it would eat her up.

"Let's start with how," said the doctor. "Do you have any ideas?"

"We were thinking that we should all do it together. Us and Flynn. So she can know that we're all working together on it, and so we can give each other support. We can tag team tell her different things - that's probably easier than one person having the responsibility to explain all of it."

"That sounds like a good idea. She trusts all three of you. If you're presenting it as a united front, she's less likely to question it. And then you can all have the support of each other. I would say do it at home. A familiar place. Somewhere where other people aren't going to intrude. Perhaps do something fun first like watch a movie or play a game. Have a nice time together. Reinforce that you're a family that gets on well together."

"That sounds a bit brutal. Make her happy by doing something fun, then rip the carpet out from under her?"

"No, it's about putting her in a place where she feels safe and happy. Bad feelings like anxiety, uneasiness, uncertainty, as well as trauma triggers and dissociation all have a cumulative impact on the brain. Be exposed to just one and you'll probably be alright. It's only when it happens a lot - multiple times in a row or over prolonged periods - that our brains struggle to cope. Having a nice time together beforehand is a way of hitting the reset button on all of your brains, filling them with good feelings so that when the bad feeling hits, it won't be as overwhelming."

Skyler looked into the doctor's eyes, understanding dawning on her face.

"We were thinking that it probably should be led by Skyler," said Marie.

"Yes. It should. You need to own it, Skyler. It's about you."

"She told Flynn. When he had to know, she told him and I sat next to her and added in bits. And support. And I think that went ok. You could ask him."

"Well he was much older, so it's a little different, but I definitely like the idea of having him there too because one of the really important things you need to do is validate Holly's feelings about it, and he's probably the one who can identify the most with her. You won't go into nearly as much detail in your explanation to Holly as you did in your explanation to Flynn; she knows what cops and robbers are and she knows what punishment is, but she probably doesn't know what money laundering and prison are. Don't over-complicate things by trying to tell her that. You need to simplify it as much as possible so that she can understand. And it's ok to tell white lies. Don't hide things that she needs to know, but you need to make sure that you minimise any distress she may feel. So for example, right now you don't know what the length of the possible prison sentence is going to be, but do you know the minimum and maximum possible?"

"One to nine years," said Marie matter-of-factually.

"Wow. That's a huge variation and it would be both upsetting to Holly and hard for her to understand, particularly for her to understand why you don't know yet. Even if you did know and it was a year, say, which is not at the bad end of the scale, I would still not recommend telling her that because a year to her is a third of her life. That's a really really long time. Children her age don't have a proper understanding of the way time moves, so you need to phrase it in a way that she does understand. So for now you can say that it will be a while and you're not sure how long, and then when you do know how long you could use terms like 'by your next birthday', or 'by Christmas next year' or something - pick a date near to it that she can relate to."

"Yeah, that makes sense," said Marie.

"And don't underemphasise it. No answer is fine, 'I don't know' is fine, but do _not_ use words like, 'soon' or 'it won't be that long' because then when it isn't soon, when it is long, she will be devastated not only that it's going on longer than she expected, but that you lied to her about it. And she'll feel betrayed."

Marie nodded and turned to look at her sister, who was hunched over, her fingernails digging into her hands. "Are you ok?"

Skyler looked up to find Marie's eyes on her. She hadn't been aware her distress was that obvious. "Yeah," she said, her knuckles turning white.

"Be kind to yourselves too. It'll be really hard, and you can't support Holly effectively if you're not in a good place yourself. Pay attention to your own mood, as well as hers. Remember you have to start from a good place so that when the bad feeling comes it doesn't overwhelm you. That means you might need to postpone it, and that is absolutely fine. It's great that you've started planning it now - you have time for a couple of false starts if necessary."

"Should I be holding her?" asked Skyler. "When I tell her?"

"Yeah. That'd be great."

"It won't confuse her? I'm trying to get her used to having her needs seen to by Marie, s-so I'm trying to hold back on over-mothering her."

"No no no, don't do that. When she's with Marie, which you are doing, how many nights a week is it now?"

"Four."

"Four! Wow, well done. And she's doing ok with that?"

"Yeah, I told her it was because of my work and that if I had a choice I would be with her but I don't have a choice."

"That's good. Ok. I don't think you need to increase that anymore, it's already more than half of her time. Leave it at that until she has to move in with you, Marie. So Skyler, when she's with Marie then Marie has to do all of the mothering, but when she's with you, she still needs you to do it. If you don't, you're in danger of making her feel like you're rejecting her. That's dangerous, you don't wanna do that."

"No."

"So absolutely, hold her in your arms, rub her back, stroke her hair. Make her feel secure in your love. And I think doing that whilst you tell her is a great idea; it'll reinforce the whole you not having a choice, I think."

Skyler nodded.

"So...when?" asked Marie.

"Soon. Start planning now what you're gonna say - I can lend you a book that gives you some ideas of how to phrase things. Once you've planned it out, do it. Pull the band-aid off. You must be finishing up your work soon, Skyler?"

"Yeah."

"I would advise that after you tell her you make sure you spend as much time with her as you can for the next little while. And do fun things together, make happy memories that you can look back on and she can Iook back on. That's really important. It connects you all together."

"If I spend all my time with her though, isn't that going to negate what we've been doing with having her spend four nights at Marie's?"

"She should still do that, but she can spend time with both of you. It shouldn't be either or: the two of you should be connected in her mind. She should be spending the majority of the time with Marie, yes. Four nights is plenty. But now that she has got used to being with her alone, we can give her a bit more time with the two of you together. And then you can, of course, each leave her alone with the other when one of you has to do something without her, or when one of you is struggling to cope. You shouldn't let her see that."

"We don't, I try not to, I... but then the other day she asked me why am I always sad."

Dr Jensen nodded. "Children can tell. But they can tell if you're putting on an act too. Don't be fake, but just minimise what she witnesses."

...

"Do I have to... you know?"

Skyler put her indicator on and turned into Marie's cul-de-sac. "What?"

"Do I just sit there or do...do you want me to_..._do you want me to say things, or…?"

"Umm. This is why we went through it last night, honey."

"Yeah I know, b-but I was just listening last night. I felt like I couldn't add very much."

"That's fine, you don't have to. I'm the one who has to…" Her voice trailed off as she looked in the rear view mirror at Holly. "If you could just sit there and be supportive, I would really appreciate it."

"It's not that I d-don't wanna say anything, it's just that I don't know what…you want me to say."

"Flynn, it's a little late for you ask me now. Just remember what we said last night."

Skyler pulled into Marie's driveway and turned off the engine. She got out and undid the clips on Holly's car seat. Holly climbed down and ran to the front door. Flynn followed slowly.

He wasn't sure why it bothered him exactly. Telling his sister that their mother was going to prison was not going to be fun for anyone, of course. But something was making him feel worse than he had anticipated. Perhaps it was the memory of past family meetings, none of which had revealed anything good. Perhaps it was uneasiness at having suddenly been promoted to one of the adults, one of the people who knew what was going on and was meant to come help explain it to somebody else. He'd never done that before. But he didn't think that was it. He found himself upset by the fact that it was finally happening. His mother had been living under the shadow of a prison sentence for a year and a half now, but somehow Flynn had managed not to think very much about what that really meant. That he would have to go and visit her in a scary regimented place. That she wouldn't be able to text him back anytime, only to call at regimented hours for restricted times. That in the midst of their worry and overactive planning for how to lessen the blow of this on Holly, Skyler and Marie seemed to have forgotten that Flynn, barely 18 and not feeling like an adult at all yet, was losing his mother too.

Skyler seemed to be in complete control. Flynn watched her stride briskly to the front door and knock. She looked absolutely fine. He wondered whether it was fake. There was a sound, and the door popped open but didn't open wide, as Marie's disappearing voice was heard yelling, "Come in, something's boiling over!"

Skyler pushed the door open and entered, followed by Holly, who quickly ran past her and into the kitchen, just as Marie was grabbing a violently overflowing pot off the stove and carrying it to the sink. She saw Holly when it was almost too late and screamed, "Holly, no!"

Skyler ran after her and swept in under Marie and the pot to pick Holly up and whisk her away. Marie dropped the pot in the sink with a bang, and Holly began to cry.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry Holly, are you ok?" Marie slid over to pat Holly on the back, but Holly's face was buried so far in Skyler's chest she couldn't respond to anyone else.

"What happened?" asked Flynn, arriving in the kitchen and projecting his voice above the wails.

"Oh my god I should not have let you in, I should have known she was gonna do that! She always runs in like that! What's wrong with me?"

"Don't blame yourself, it's alright," said Skyler.

"Oh my god, if that had fallen onto her _face_ -"

"It didn't, and please don't scare her or me any further."

"Y-your hand is red, Aunt Marie," said Flynn.

Marie looked down, realised her hand was hurting, and put it under the cold tap. Skyler carried the still wailing Holly to the kitchen table and sat down on one of the chairs, cradling her. Her heart was pounding through the roof, and she found she needed to bury her face in Holly's hair and close her eyes.

"Oh my god, I can't believe that just happened," said Marie, leaning heavily on the edge of the sink.

"Can I help r-rescue this?" said Flynn, picking the pot up out of the sink and looking around for a dish to transfer its surviving contents into.

"It's just going over the pasta," said Marie. "In that big bowl there. It's only pasta sauce. The pot was too small for it." She shook her head. "Oh my god, I didn't hear that it was boiling over until I was more than halfway to the door, so I just answered the door because I was closer to the door, but I shouldn't I have done that, I should have known she was gonna run in after me!"

"It's ok, d-don't blame yourself. It could happen to anyone."

Marie looked at Holly and Skyler. Holly was still crying, and neither of them were moving. Marie pulled her hand out from under the cold tap and went over to sit next to them. "I'm so sorry, Holly."

"Don't blame yourself, Aunt Marie," said Flynn. "A-and don't be thinking that you can't look after Holly, I know y-you're thinking that right now but it's not true."

The three ladies of the family became silent and still as Flynn bustled around the kitchen serving the meal. Then he set the table, put the plates on the edge of the counter and transferred them to the table, one by one. Skyler was still hunched over with her eyes closed and Marie's face was buried in her hands.

"Are you ok, M-Mom?"

Skyler looked up as her son placed a bowl of pasta in front of her. "Me? Oh, yeah." She began to stroke Holly's hair. "Do you want something to eat, sweetheart?" She whispered. Holly shook her head and buried herself deeper into Skyler's chest, her body curled up in a ball. Skyler looked up at the ceiling and began to cry silently.

"She'll be ok, Mom," said Flynn. "D-don't worry."

"I'm not thinking of now," said Skyler, tears streaming down her face.

Flynn sat down and began eating silently.

Marie raised her head and looked at Skyler. "Not today. Right? We can't do it today when she's just…"

Skyler closed her eyes, nodding.

"Are you ok?"

"Are you? Did you burn yourself?"

"Oh, Skyler. Always answering a question with a question." Marie stood up and went to get a cold compress for her hand.

...

"Aww, look at her, sweet little face sleeping on Mommy's shoulder." Marie made baby noises and leaned in to kiss Holly on the forehead. She put her arm across Skyler's shoulders. "You ok?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Skyler replied, starting to move towards her car. Flynn gave Marie a hug and followed. Skyler strapped the still sleeping Holly into her car seat. She and Flynn got in and they moved away.

The silence between them was thick.

After several minutes, Flynn spoke. "D-don't worry, Mom. I think any little kid would've been upset by that because it w-was all loud and surprising and-and she didn't understand."

"Yeah," said Skyler softly, her eyes moving to Holly in the rear-view mirror and then back to the road.

A piercing wail came suddenly from the back seat, and Skyler almost slammed on the brakes in the middle lane.

"Mom, watch the road!" yelled Flynn, his voice barely audible above his sister's screams. He turned and grabbed her legs. "Holly! H-Holly wake up, you're having a nightmare!"

Skyler zoomed across the right lane and pulled into the first turn off she could find. Ironically, it was the parking lot of a bedding store called "Sleep Ezy's". She jumped out of the car, ran around it and into the back seat, unbuckling the child and pulling her into her arms. Holly had now woken and was wailing blue murder. Skyler rubbed her back and whispered comforting words to her, all the while wanting to scream herself.

Flynn sat in the passenger seat facing forward, a resigned expression on his face. After the volume of the cries began to fall, he turned and said, "Do you want me to...drive us home?"

Skyler looked up. "Ok," she said. She lifted Holly back into her car seat. "I'm just gonna buckle you back in, darling, but don't worry, I'm not gonna let go of you." She heard what she had said, winced, scrunched up her eyes and buried her face in the side of the car seat.


	7. Chapter 7

Skyler stepped through her back door, a cigarette already hanging from her lips. She placed her phone to her ear as she lit it. "Hi, it's Skyler Lambert here, can I please speak to Dr Jensen urgently? There was an incident that happened today with my daughter."

"Hold on, I'll just see if she's available," said Dr Jensen's receptionist.

Skyler sucked deeply on her cigarette as the hold music rang in her ears. The syncopated thudding sound of Holly and Flynn playing Hungry Hungry Hippos floated through the window. Then Holly yelled triumphantly.

"You're so good at this!" said Flynn.

"Yeah!" Holly put her arms up in the air and grinned. "Play again?"

"But then you'll…beat me again!"

"Yeah." Holly nodded and began setting up the game again.

"M-maybe I don't wanna play again!"

"Come on Finn, don't be scared!"

Flynn laughed.

"It's not scary."

"Alright."

"Good." Holly handed Flynn the bat just as his phone rang.

"Just a second, Holly," he said. "Hey, Michael... Really? C-cool... I can't tonight, sorry… Th-thanks for inviting me, though... No, sorry, I can't… Ha, awesome. Good, y-you have a great time... Alright, bye."

He hung up the phone to find that Holly was holding her bat ready over the top of the Hungry Hippos. She seemed to be wearing the most intimidating look she could muster, and she looked like a spring about to fire. Flynn held her eyes and made his eyes go wide. Then, very gradually, he poked his tongue out. Holly didn't react, but he could see that she was fighting the urge to smile. He poked his tongue out further, turned his head to the side and rolled his eyes. Then he pulled his nostrils open with his hands. Finally, Holly laughed.

"Haha, I got you!"

Holly kept giggling as Flynn picked up the Hungry Hippos bat and imitated Holly's ready stance. She laughed more.

"How can you play H-Hungry Hippos when you're laughing?"

Holly collapsed sideways onto the floor, and Flynn chuckled. He leant over and poked her stomach with the bat, and she squealed. "Maybe I'll tickle you, Holly," he said. He poked her with the bat again. "Do you think this works for tickling?" He moved it across her stomach. "Y-you're laughing, so I guess it's working."

"No!" She squealed breathlessly.

"No? It's not tickling? D-do you mean I have to use my fingers to tickle you?"

Holly tried to move away, but Flynn caught her and started tickling her. She squealed and laughed and so did he.

Skyler watched them through the kitchen window, crying tears of relief. She leant on the wall, her body shaking with sobs. She breathed deeply, in and out, ten times, and then went back inside. Flynn was now playfully banging the Hungry Hippos bat on the floor next to Holly and moving it towards her until she rolled out of the way, laughing all the while.

Skyler walked towards them. "I don't think she's a hippo, Flynn," she said as she sat down on the sofa.

"Oh, is she not? What?" Flynn put out his hand and rolled Holly over so he could see her face. "Oh my god, it's my sister!" He looked up at his mother with an overdone look of shock on his face. "It's not a hippo! I'm s-so sorry, Holly, I thought you were a hippo!"

Holly pealed with laughter. Skyler smiled for the first time in weeks. She watched them for a while, trying to commit every last detail to memory. Holly gradually calmed down, and lay on the floor looking up at her. Skyler leaned forward and stroked her hair. "Do you wanna go to the aquarium tomorrow?" she asked.

Holly's eyebrows rose and her mouth fell open. "Really?"

"Yeah. You said you wanted to go a while back - I'm sorry it's taken me so long."

"YAAAAY!" Holly yelled, and both Flynn's and Skyler's heads moved involuntarily away from the noise.

"I can't believe someone so s-small can make such a big noise!" said Flynn. "That's why I thought you were hippo!"

Holly giggled again.

"You too, Flynn?" asked Skyler. "Don't feel obliged, but…"

"No, that'd be great. I-I'd like that." He smiled.

"And, ah, money-wise, could you…"

Flynn smiled. "Yeah."

"Thank you. Then we'll go to Aunt Marie's for dinner," she said, the shadow of a smile on her face falling.

"Can Aunt Marie come to the aquarium too?" asked Holly.

"No, she'll be working tomorrow. We'll see her after."

"Ok. Are you not working, Mommy?"

"No, I'm not."

"Yay!"

"How good is that?"

"That's really good." Flynn smiled.

...

Flynn, Holly and Skyler arrived at Marie's house the following evening laden with food. Marie opened the door and took a bowl of salad from the top of the teetering pile in Skyler's arms.

"I'm carrying the dessert, Aunt Marie," said Holly proudly, holding up a bag with a square tub inside it. "It's chocolate icecream!" She grinned.

"Oh wow, that's awesome!" said Marie. "I think I have some frozen raspberries we can put with it."

"No, I just want chocolate icecream," said Holly, taking Marie's hand and walking towards the kitchen with her. "Guess what we did today!"

"What did you do today?"

"We went to the aquarium, and we saw fish and squids and turtles and sharks and ocopuses," Holly took a big gasping breath, "and seahorses and crabs and stingarays and jelly fish!" She gasped again.

"Wow! Aren't you lucky!"

"It was awesome."

"It really was," said Flynn, opening the freezer for Holly to put the icecream inside.

"Wow, did all of you go?" Marie raised her eyebrows at Skyler, who nodded.

"Wow! Without me?"

"You were at work," said Holly.

"Yeah, I was." Marie sighed.

"I don't like work. I think all the grown-ups shouldn't do work."

"Yeah, you might be on to something there, kid."

"Can I show Finn the sparky rocks?"

"Ok."

"Come on, Finn!" Holly yelled and tore out of the room. Flynn followed her.

Skyler and Marie set about preparing the food.

"Are you sure we should do it tonight?" said Marie. "It's just yesterday was so…recent."

"We're running out of time."

"I know, but is she ok now? She got triggered yesterday - that was a big deal, that can take a while to recover from, and -"

"Does she seem ok to you?"

"Yeah, but -"

"I've been watching her all day. Dr Jensen said that since she is not mentally unstable there's no reason why she wouldn't bounce back from it quickly. So she said to go to the aquarium and -"

"The aquarium will make anyone happy! Take me to the aquarium, I wouldn't care if my dog just died - the aquarium is distracting, it won't let you know how you really feel!"

"Dr Jensen said to go there in the morning: we were there for three hours, then we had lunch, then we had a quiet afternoon. She had a nap, and she played quietly by herself, happily by herself."

"By herself? Did she seem withdrawn?"

"No, she played happily by herself. I was watching her all day - I wasn't far away from her but she wasn't snapping around my ankles, she wasn't being clingy, she wasn't withdrawn, she wasn't grumpy without cause, she wasn't tired without cause, she didn't have any mood swings, she didn't show any fear - these are all things we have to look out for!"

"Yeah yeah I know, I was there when Dr Jensen said that."

"Ok, well when I spoke to her last night she suggested going to the aquarium in the morning and then having a quiet afternoon and just watching Holly to see how she was. And she was fine."

Marie nodded, and took a deep breath. "Ok."

Skyler took the Saran Wrap off two bowls of salad and picked them up.

Marie stood still, staring at her. "So we have to rip off the band-aid now."

Skyler stopped moving. "Yep." She swallowed.

"Ok, well, it'll be fine. We'll have dinner first and then dessert with chocolate icecream and raspberries - it'll be great, it'll be fine." Marie picked up a casserole dish and followed Skyler to the dining room.

...

Flynn sat alone on the purple stripy armchair in the living room, staring straight ahead.

Skyler stood on the front porch smoking and anxiously jiggling up and down. Pull off the band-aid, she thought. She finished her cigarette quickly and went back to the living room.

"You stink," said Flynn as she passed him.

"Sorry," she said, sitting down on the sofa.

"Are you gonna be able to do that in prison?"

"Don't know."

...

"How does it work?" asked Holly as Marie pushed the buttons on the dishwasher.

"It squirts lots and lots of soapy water around until all the dishes are clean."

"Really? There's water in there?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Wow, you have great things at your house, Aunt Marie."

"Do you think?" said Marie, taking Holly's hand and leading her along the hallway. "Would you like to live here?"

"Why, are you lonely?"

Marie cleared her throat. "Yeah, maybe."

"It's a big house just for you."

"Yeah, it is."

"Can I play with the sparky rocks again?"

"Not now honey, there's something your mommy has to talk to you about."

They arrived in the living room. Skyler beckoned to Holly, and she ran over to her. "Mommy, can we all come and live with Aunt Marie? She said she's lonely in this big house all by herself."

Skyler stroked her cheek ever so gently. "You can," she said.

"Really?"

"Yeah. But there's something I have to tell you."

Holly looked at her mother.

"Come here," said Skyler and pulled the child onto her lap. She positioned one hand behind Holly's back and began stroking her face with the other. "What I have to tell you," she said slowly, "is that very soon, I'm going to have to go away for a while."

Holly's mouth fell open. "Why?"

"I don't have any choice. I have to go. Remember what I said to you the other night? If it was up to me I would stay with you forever, but I don't have any choice."

"Why?"

"Because a little while ago now, I did something bad. And you know that when you do something bad, you have to be punished for it. And if you're a kid, that's not too much of a big deal - maybe you have to go to your room for a while, or maybe you have to clean up the mess if you made a mess. And you have to apologise. But for grown-ups it's a bit different - if a grown-up does a bad thing, the punishment is that they have to be taken away for a while. It's a bit like going to your room, but it's a little bit further away."

Holly frowned. Skyler could see the cogs in her head turning, could see the confusion.

"It's not your fault. It's my fault, and I'm so sorry."

"You didn't do a bad thing, Mommy."

"I did. I did. I'm sorry."

Holly blinked.

Flynn frowned.

"Tell her more," whispered Marie.

Skyler looked at her warily.

"What did you do, Mommy?"

"I did something bad with money. It's a bit hard to explain, I'll tell you more about it when you're older."

"Are you a robber?"

"No." Skyler shook her head. "I'm not a robber - I didn't steal any money, I hid some money. In a way that you're not supposed to do."

"Why?"

"It's hard to explain. You're very little and you're very confused right now, and that's ok. I'm confused too. I don't know why I did it, it was a very stupid thing to do. And I have never been more sorry."

"Well can you... Can you say sorry to the people that do the punishment? If you say sorry and clean up the mess, they don't have to punish you."

"It doesn't work that way for grown-ups. I have to go away. For quite a long time."

The expression on Holly's face moved away from confusion and towards fear. Skyler tightened her arms around her. "But you'll be ok. You're gonna live with Aunt Marie. She'll look after you. And I'll call you on the phone and we can talk. Sometimes you can visit me. It's not a very nice place to visit though, it's not very fun. It's safe, I'll be ok, but it's better for you if you stay here and not worry."

"Are you going to jail?"

Skyler was taken aback. She hadn't known Holly knew what that was. She turned to Marie.

"She knows what jail is, we watched _102 Dalmatians_ the other week."

"You didn't tell me that."

"Mommies don't go to jail," said Holly firmly. "Only bad people go to jail."

Skyler wrested her eyes from Marie back to Holly and took a breath. "Sometimes mommies do go to jail. And sometimes good people go to jail if they've done a bad thing. Sometimes grown-ups make mistakes, mommies too."

Holly's eyes filled with tears. "You don't. You're a good mommy."

"It wasn't her fault," said Flynn. "Sh-she didn't mean to do anything bad. So yes, M-Mom is a good person, but sometimes g-good people do go to…jail because sometimes good people get made to do things by…bad people."

Skyler closed her eyes. "It's not that simple, Flynn."

"Who are you explaining it to, me or her? Y-you were made to do a bad thing by a bad person."

Holly was becoming distressed. "I don't wanna be made to do a bad thing! Can Finn and Aunt Marie be made to?"

"No, no. I did a bad thing. You won't. Flynn and Aunt Marie won't. They're fine. They're gonna stay here and look after you. I did a bad thing. It was my fault. It was not your fault, it was nothing to do with you." Skyler's voice broke. "You and Flynn and Aunt Marie are good people and you will be fine."

Holly began whimpering. Skyler tried to pull her closer, but her body was rigid. Marie moved forward and put her arm around her. "It's gonna be alright," she said. "I'll look after you. No bad people will come here. We'll be fine."

Skyler watched her daughter lean into her sister's arms, and a shudder swept through her body. She clenched her jaw together as she battled with every atom of self-control she had to keep from breaking down. Flynn saw her shaking and he got up and sat next to her, placing his arm around her. She leaned into him, then shot back up again, realising that if she relaxed an inch she would fall. "Holly," she said. "All you need to know is that I love you very very much and I think about you all the time. And I will think about you all the time when I'm in jail. So if you miss me any time, all you have to do is remember that I'm thinking about you, and we can think about each other together. And we can talk on the phone and sometimes you can visit - I'm not sure how often that would be, I don't think it would be often but it would be sometimes. And then eventually I'll come home. And everything will go back to the way it was, and we'll all be alright."

"How long until you come home?" Holly whimpered.

"I don't know that yet. They'll tell me in a couple of weeks. Maybe three or four weeks from now I should know how long it will be and then I'll tell you, or Aunt Marie will. Probably Aunt Marie will tell you."

"I don't want you to go!"

"Neither do I." Both of them were weeping now, and Flynn's eyes moistened as he gripped his mother's shoulder.

"I told you, I would never leave you if I had a choice."

"But what if a bad person comes and makes me do a bad thing!"

"No no, that's not what happened. That's not how it works. No-one is gonna hurt you."

"It was Dad," said Flynn flatly.

Skyler winced. "Flynn!

"Dad was a bad person. Mom was married to him so sh-she didn't have much choice. He did…bad things and he pulled her into it. But it's not like there are -"

"Flynn, it's not that simple."

"It is."

"But I don't have a dad," said Holly.

"You did. You did have a dad and he died, but before he died he did l-lots of really bad things and messed up Mom's life. And that's why this is happening now. There's been a b-bit of a delay because the way the grown-up punishments go th-there's a delay, there's a time that you have to wait. But that's why this is happening now. And you might meet some people who are…angry at Mom, but it's not her they're r-really mad at, they're mad at Dad."

"I had a dad?"

"Yeah. H-he was both of our dad. And he was a bad person who did…bad things. I hate that. It's really confusing. It's really hard to…understand. You're not alone, ok? E-especially how Mom has to go away now when she's n-not a bad person and we want her to stay here. It's really hard."

"It's ok to be sad about it," said Marie.

Skyler's arms were still touching Holly, but they had gone rigid. Her feet were rubbing together and her mouth was twitching. There was a weight pressing on her chest that threatened to stop her breathing.

Marie could see this, and she mouthed at Skyler behind Holly's head, "Do you wanna go?" She flipped her head in the direction of the back door.

Skyler nodded strongly. Her eyes were wide, her breathing very faint.

Holly began to cry again. "I don't want Mommy to go!"

Marie picked her up. "I know, darling," she said, sweeping her into the next room.

Skyler jumped up and pounded to the back door, which vibrated from the impact of her body tumbling through it.

"Mom?" called Flynn.

Skyler fell to the ground on the balcony, gasping for air. Her body began shuddering with great soundless sobs. She couldn't breathe.

"Mom!" Flynn got up and moved towards the back door. Marie heard this and rushed back into the living room. "Flynn!" she yelled over Holly's cries. "Come back!"

"Mom -"

"I'll go, you come here and look after your sister, please."

Flynn remained where he stood, frowning, as a strangled gasp was heard from outside. He turned back towards the door.

"Flynn! Come here now. I will go out there. You're just delaying me getting there."

Flynn reluctantly stepped back towards his aunt. "She's -"

"Not a word. And you do not say anything to your sister that isn't comforting. Sit down."

Flynn frowned, sat down in the armchair and accepted his wailing sister into his arms.

"I'm sorry, I... I know I sound like I'm mad at you but I'm not." Her voice wobbled. "It's just an emotion-charged situation." She turned and walked briskly to the back door.

Going through it, she looked around, thinking for a moment that her sister had gone out to the backyard. Then she heard the tiniest of sounds to her right, and she looked down. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she realised that Skyler was on the ground.

"Up up up," she said, walking briskly towards her and putting her arms under Skyler's armpits. "Come on." She lifted her into a sitting position. "Open your airway, come here." She placed herself behind Skyler and pulled her backwards, tilting her head back. "Breathe. Listen to my breathing." She breathed in and out. "Focus on it." Marie stroked Skyler's hair and breathed.

...

Flynn pushed the back door open gently, afraid of what he would find. "Mom?" he said softly.

No reply. He stepped forward. "Mom, A-Aunt Marie?"

"Yeah," came his aunt's voice.

He turned towards it but again found he was afraid to look. "Holly wants Mom to…read her a bedtime story," he said.

He heard a gasp, and then some rustling as his mother stood up. "Ok," she said weakly.

His eyes finally found her, and they looked at each other in the dark, both of their eyes glinting with fear.

"You ok?" he asked.

Skyler nodded strongly. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'll be right there."

He stepped back across the threshold, struggling with a feeling of deja vu he couldn't pin down the origin of. Then he remembered he'd left his sister in her bedroom, and he quickly ran back to her.

Skyler cleared her throat, rubbed her eyes and brushed her hair with her fingers. She took a deep breath and turned to her sister. "How do I look?"

Marie nodded awkwardly. "Thank god for waterproof mascara, right?"

"Yeah." Skyler turned towards the back door, took another deep breath and then powered purposefully through it, across the living room and along the hallway to Holly's bedroom. She paused to compose her face, and then entered wearing the kindest, most relaxed expression she could muster. "Hey sweetie! You're in bed already! What a good girl!"

Flynn stood next to the bed, and Skyler's face faltered when she saw his eyes. She was trapped in them for a moment, and then he handed her a book and nodded.

She took it and looked down at Holly, who was also looking at her with an expression fit to break her heart. "Will you get into bed with me, Mommy?" she asked.

"Yeah. Of course." Skyler kicked off her shoes and climbed into the small bed. She put her arms around the child, who immediately buried her face in her chest and held on as tightly as she could. "I don't want you to go," she said.

"Neither do I." Skyler's voice wobbled as she reciprocated the tight embrace, kissing Holly's forehead over and over and stroking her hair. "I'm so sorry."

She looked at the book and found she couldn't see it through the tears in her eyes. She held Holly closer and swallowed over and over as she tried to speak.

Flynn put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it.

Skyler tried to open the book. Her hands were shaking. Holly couldn't see the book because her face was buried in her mother's chest. Both were silent.

"Can I read the story, Holly?" asked Flynn. "Is that ok?"

He sat on the edge of the bed and put his arms around both of them. There was a rustle as his sister turned her face outwards and said, "Yeah."

Skyler closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. She couldn't understand a word her son was saying - all she could focus on was the warm bundle of innocence that was curled up next to her heart. She heard her speak once or twice, and her brother answer. She heard the gentle, regular tones of his voice as he read the story. She didn't even notice his stutter. His calm voice soothed her as it faded further and further away and she fell into sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

The trial began with two days of evidence from APD and DEA officers, an expert witness in accounting, and a woman from the DEA's money laundering investigation who went into significant detail on exactly how much money Skyler had laundered and the intricacy of the planning it must have required for her to cover it up to the extent that she did. Kim countered this with a cross-examination focusing on the intricacies of the witness's study and investigation and arguing that any intelligent woman with an accounting background could have done the same thing, and that the tax codes and checks and balances were all common knowledge for anyone with Skyler's training and did not require her to exert any undue effort to conceal this crime.

Then the Prosecution called Marie. She appeared in a very smart brown suit and purple blouse, stated her name and swore on the Bible.

"What is your relationship to the defendant?" The prosecutor asked.

"She's my sister."

"And your husband was ASAC Henry or Hank Schrader, is that right?"

"Yes."

"Could you tell the court what happened to him?"

"Objection!" said Kim. "Relevance."

The judge looked at the prosecutor.

"Permission to approach the bench, ma'am?" said the prosecutor.

"Permission granted." The judge nodded.

"I don't blame Skyler for his death, if that's what you mean," said Marie.

Midway to the bench, the prosecutor spun around.

"She's as much a victim of it as I am."

The judge held up her hand. "Mrs Schrader, please be silent until you're asked to resume your testimony. The prosecution and defence counsel are approaching my bench to discuss a matter of relevance."

Kim watched the red-faced prosecutor as the two of them approached the bench.

"I withdraw the question, Your Honour," he said when he arrived.

Kim's eyebrows rose.

"The manner of the witness's husband's death is not relevant. His actions do, however, form a significant part of the witness's testimony in relation to how she found out about the criminal activity of her sister and brother-in-law, so I will be asking her further questions about him, and I would appreciate it if the Defence wouldn't object."

"Ok," said the judge. "Objection sustained, the jury will please disregard the prosecutor's last question and the witness's response to it."

Marie looked around sullenly.

The prosecutor walked back towards the witness stand. "Mrs Schrader, will you please tell the court how and when you found out that your sister and brother-in-law had suddenly come into a very large amount of money. You said in one of your original interviews with the DEA that they suddenly told you, with no warning, that they had acquired money into seven figures. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"When was this?"

"Well it was not long after they broke up, actually. Which makes sense, because it was the reason they broke up."

"When?"

"It would've been April 2009. It was when Hank was in the hospital; Hank was shot on the 19th of March 2009, so it was a couple weeks after that."

"To explain to the court, a year before his death Mrs Schrader's husband was badly injured through his work at the DEA-"

"No, it was not through – I mean he was not at work at the time and the DEA gave him no back-up."

"He was injured in March 2009 and he was in the hospital when, in April 2009, your sister and brother-in-law suddenly told you that they were millionaires."

"They told me then because Skyler wanted to help pay for Hank's treatment. She offered that and started to tell me, and Walt said, 'No no,' and Skyler said, 'We have the money, let us help.'"

"And where did she say the money was from?"

"Gambling. She said that Walt had made it counting cards in backroom gambling

games."

"To be clear, it was Skyler who said this, not Walter."

"Yes. But Walt was there, and he was sort of nodding along."

"Nodding along. While his wife told you that he had made millions of dollars."

"Well he said seven figures. Not millions - that just means more than a million. Which is a lot. Skyler didn't know what the amount was - she asked him. Walt said seven figures."

"But Skyler said that he had made it gambling in illegal backroom games."

"Yes."

"Were you surprised?"

"Yes, very."

"Had you had any inkling before that of this sudden influx of money?"

"No."

"Did you question it? Did you look into whether the story was believable?"

"Well I knew they had broken up because of it - it made sense as a reason for that - and I didn't know of any reason for them to lie, and I certainly had absolutely no inkling that Walt would be making drugs, but he was a very intelligent person and very good with numbers, so counting cards made sense."

"So you believed the lie."

"Yes."

"You even believed that this supposed gambling was the reason that your sister and brother-in-law's marriage had broken down?"

"Yes, well… the best lies are close to the truth, aren't they? The truth was that she kicked him out of the house because she was disgusted with the fact that he was making methamphetamine."

"But you didn't know that until much later."

"No."

"So exactly how long did your sister keep from you the knowledge that her husband was making the dangerous drug methamphetamine?"

"I guess it would've been about a year."

"She kept the truth from you for about a year. And for part of that time you believed that Walter had made his money from gambling."

"Yes."

"And how did you find out that it was a lie?"

"My husband told me. He'd figured it out because he'd been investigating Heisenberg all along, but he didn't know who he was. He finally figured it out when he found a book in their bathroom with an inscription that he was certain had been written by a man who was murdered a few months before that. Hank was helping with the murder investigation, and he compared the murder victim's handwriting and it was the same. The inscription, both on the victim's lab notes book, which he had been using to write notes on methamphetamine manufacture, and in the book Hank found in Walt and Skyler's bathroom, said, 'To WW'. Walter White. Hank said that the scales finally fell from his eyes and the pieces snapped into place."

"And when was this?"

"March 2010."

"Your husband Hank discovered that your brother-in-law Walter was the methamphetamine kingpin Heisenberg in March 2010?"

"Yes."

"Hank then met with your sister? Is that correct?"

"Yes, he didn't tell me about it for a couple days because he was doing his own investigating to make sure that it was true. He found that it was, he confronted Walt, Walt didn't deny it but it was clear that he wouldn't give in, wouldn't give himself up. So then Hank met with Skyler."

"What did he tell you about that meeting?"

"Objection! Hearsay," said Kim.

"Sustained," said the judge. "I would remind the Prosecution that a witness is called a witness because they talk about things they were witness to, not things they were told about by somebody else."

"He told me Skyler was scared," said Marie.

The prosecutor exhaled slowly. "So you'd just been told that your brother-in-law had become a methamphetamine kingpin, the very criminal that your husband had been trying to track down for some months, who had been sending enormous quantities of dangerous drugs all over the Southwest and internationally and had murdered several people."

"Objection! Leading statement."

"Sustained. Mr Martin, just the witness speak."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Horrified. I couldn't believe it."

"What made you believe it?"

"Hank showed me the evidence he had, which wasn't much. What really made me believe it was when I went to talk to Skyler."

"Tell the court how that meeting went."

"I went over to her house. We made sure that Walt and Flynn were out first. It was just Skyler and the baby in the house."

"We?"

"Me and Hank. We went over together, but I knocked on the door and Hank hung back."

"What did Skyler say when she opened the door?"

She said, "Just you. Not Hank.'"

"She didn't want Hank to hear what she had to say?"

"Well he was a DEA agent. She knew she was going to go on trial like this - she wasn't gonna say anything in front of a DEA agent without a lawyer present."

"And what did she say to you? When you went inside."

"Nothing. She didn't say anything at all."

"Mrs Schrader, I would remind you that you are under oath and you must tell the truth on pain of being charged with perjury."

"What? I am telling the truth, she literally said nothing. She was crying and gasping and sometimes moving her mouth, but she just couldn't figure out what to say. I was talking to her, I was saying, 'How long have you known?' and things like that, but she just couldn't respond."

"Did she deny it?"

"No."

"Mrs Schrader, in your interview with the DEA the day after your husband was killed, you stated that during that meeting your sister had said, 'I am so sorry.'"

"Oh yeah, that's right. I was talking and asking and she wasn't saying anything, she was just crying and sometimes trying to say something but not being able to say anything, and then she turned to me and said, 'I'm sorry.' She was scared and ashamed and she was -"

"And what happened after that?"

Marie raised her eyebrows awkwardly. "I slapped her in the face and tried to take Holly. It was a snap decision, I hadn't thought it through. Hank stopped me. I mean it was -"

"You reacted with violence?"

"No, it… it was just a slap, I mean, but…"

"How did you feel?"

"At that time, quite angry, but-"

"Why were you angry?"

"Well because she'd… she'd lied to me, and Walt had taken Hank along for a ride and abused his trust and-"

Prosecutor Martin held up his hand. "I didn't ask why you were angry with Walt. Why were you angry with Skyler?"

Marie paused. She looked at Kim, whose eyes were impassive. She looked at Skyler.

"Mrs Schrader?"

"Because she lied to me. Because she hid it from me."

"Any other reason?"

"I was just overwhelmed then, I was just shocked. I couldn't believe that…" Marie took a breath. "I couldn't believe that she would betray our family like that, and I later found out that she didn't; she was trying to protect us and herself from Walt's worst-"

"Were you concerned for the safety of the child?"

"The – the children?"

"You said earlier you tried to take the youngest child from the house."

"Yeah, I was panicking, I-"

"Were you concerned for the child's safety?"

"Yes."

"So to recap what you've said, Mrs Schrader, you met with your sister after your husband had told you what he believed she had done-"

"No, what he believed Walt had done – he didn't think Skyler-"

"-she refused to meet with your husband because he was a DEA agent, she refused to answer any of your questions, she said, 'I'm so sorry,' and you were concerned for the safety of her child."

"No, it wasn't that she refused – she later answered everything I asked, but that day she was just speechless, and-"

"Later? What do you mean? You haven't said that before."

"Just when I asked her later, like..."

"When?"

"Oh, that was weeks after."

"After your husband was murdered?"

"Yeah. Yeah."

"After your husband was murdered, your sister answered your questions?"

"Yeah."

"Before your husband was murdered, she did not speak to you."

"No."

"Objection!" said Kim. "Relevance!"

"That's very relevant, Your Honour, and it makes a lot of sense," said the Prosecutor. "It was only after Mrs Schrader's husband's death that the defendant started talking to Police, also."

"Objection denied," said the judge.

"Thank you, Your Honour. That makes a lot of sense. The defendant only started co-operating with both yourself, Mrs Schrader, and the Police after the proverbial had hit the fan."

"It hit the fan a lot earlier than that for Skyler," said Marie. "She was so scared."

The prosecutor frowned. "Thank you, Mrs Schrader, you can stop there for now. Your Honour, may we adjourn for lunch?"

...

Prosecutor Martin was first out of the courtroom. He charged along the hallway to the Prosecution's rooms, then turned to check that his legal team, ASAC Hoffman and the DEA Prosecutor Viney were following him.

He waited until Viney had closed the door, then said, "Are you sure you want to proceed with her?"

"Yeah," said Hoffman. "Next up you're gonna talk about the blackmail, right?"

"White hasn't been charged with blackmail! Which was why, by the way?"

"Insufficient evidence," said Viney.

Martin dragged his hand across his eyes. "I get that it really sucks for you that the two agents who uncovered these crimes got killed and so they can't take the stand themselves, but putting one of them's wife up there is not an appropriate replacement. Anything she says he told her is dismissed as hearsay, and she's the defendant's sister! She keeps playing into the Defence's hands!"

"She's just talking," said Hoffman. "She's a very talkative woman, she doesn't have a filter."

"She is deliberately saying things that are favourable to the Defence!"

"So turn her around, make her contradict herself!" said Hoffman. "That's your job, isn't it?"

"I'm trying, but she keeps turning it back around – she-"

"If we hadn't called her as a prosecution witness, she would've been called as a defence witness," said Viney. "She's much better off as a prosecution witness because then we can get her to say as many blackening things as possible, turn her around a bit, make her contradict herself so that she stops making sense by the time the cross-examination starts."

"She has clearly been coached by the Defence!"

"What?"

"Did you see the way she looked at Wexler just now, when I was trying to get her to say something, _anything_ bad about the defendant!"

"About that, I wouldn't focus on the child safety thing because people tend to associate children's safety with women's safety, and that might-"

"Oh my god, that's what you're gonna say about that? You didn't notice that she managed to turn every single thing I said around within one sentence – she has been coached by the Defence!"

"We need you to get her talking about her husband's death."

"How? It's been struck off as irrelevant!"

"Why did you let the judge sustain the objection?"

"I had to, because Schrader, the so-called prosecution witness, had just said, 'I don't blame my sister for my husband's death!' The only way I could get that struck off was to withdraw the question!"

"It's not ideal," said Hoffman. "But the fact is that the majority of the information from our early investigation comes from her. She knew more about Walter White's meth operation than her sister did."

"Jesus!"

"From Hank. It was all from Hank - we are still using a lot of his evidence. But it came via Marie."

"That's god damn hearsay!"

"We need a ruling that hearsay evidence is acceptable in this case," said Viney. "I'll draft an application."

"What's the point, Hank Schrader didn't collect any evidence on Skyler!" said Martin.

"Yes he did," said Hoffman. "I didn't really think it was worth it, but... the tape. From when he tried to interview her. Play that after lunch, with Marie Schrader out of the room - that's direct evidence, not hearsay. Then we call her back in and she talks about the blackmail."

"Let's call for an adjournment for the rest of the day so we can apply to have hearsay evidence admissible," said Viney. "For us to get anything from that tape, it needs to be accompanied by Marie telling the jury how Hank told her that Skyler then told him that she needed a lawyer, and then jumped up and ran away from him. That was a pretty guilty move."

...

Kim poked her head into the alleyway behind the courthouse and saw Skyler sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette. "Hey," she said, sitting down next to her.

Skyler didn't say anything.

"They've adjourned for the rest of the day. The prosecution is applying to make hearsay evidence admissible. Sounds like they want to have Hank Schrader speak through Marie, which is a pretty bizarre move, I mean it was pretty clear that she was rooting for you!" Kim smiled. "So don't worry. I am opposing hearsay evidence because it is really not relevant; the main problem you face is everybody blaming you for things your husband did. That's not right, and it's not fair and it's not relevant. Our case relies on convincing them to separate you from him."

"They want me to be the scapegoat."

"Yeah. So I'll get back in there and submit to the judge about it - it was pretty obvious they were gonna make that move so I've already got a submission mostly prepared. It does mean, though, that Marie won't be called back until tomorrow or later, and you can't speak to her until she's done. There are no actual rules against it, but anything you say to her she can say in court, and if she does anything to change her testimony she could be discredited. At this point, the Prosecution is probably weighing up whether they should have called her at all. We want her evidence to stand, so it's best if you stay right away until she's done. I'm gonna phone her now and tell her the same thing, so if you have anything you have to ask her or organise to do with your kids or whatever, I can ask on your behalf."

Skyler sighed and leaned back. "Thanks. Just tell her I'm going to collect Holly now and take her home. I'll take advantage of the extra time to pack up my house."

"What about your son, is he…?"

"He's independent, it's fine."

"Ok."

...

The Prosecution spent all of that afternoon and part of the next morning trying to get a ruling from the judge that hearsay evidence was admissible, being opposed strongly by Kim, and finally giving up because the only hearsay evidence they had was from Marie, and she was already proving to be a less than reliable witness. The trial resumed on Thursday afternoon with the tape of the truncated recording Hank had made during his meeting with Skyler in the diner.

"_I wanna ask you to tell me everything you can, umm, take as long as you like - just start from the beginning, when you first became aware of Walt's activities, and just try to be as... as detailed as you can."_

"_Ah, what, right here, right now?"_

"_Sure, why not? While it's still fresh, you know? And just ah, just ah remember to, ah, state your name and-and the date before you start."_

"_Hank, do… Do we...have to do this right now?"_

"_No, we-we don't, we don't have to -"_

The recording cut out.

A tear fell down Skyler's cheek, and she closed her eyes.

"The recording ends there," said Prosecutor Martin. "It's believed ASAC Schrader stopped recording because the defendant had indicated her unwillingness to tell him anything. I'd like to call Marie Schrader back to the stand."

Marie was lead back to the witness box.

"Mrs Schrader, yesterday you told us that you and your husband's suspicion that your sister had been involved in criminal activity was confirmed when you went to her house to ask her about it, and she refused to say anything other than, 'I'm sorry.'"

"Objection! Leading statement," said Kim.

"Sustained," said Judge Stephens.

"No, she didn't refuse, she was speechless, she didn't know what to say, and it wasn't our suspicion of her criminal activity, it was our suspicion of Walt's criminal activity," said Marie. "All Hank had discovered regarding Skyler was that she had known about it or parts of it but hadn't said anything."

Martin's left eyebrow twitched and a vein in his temple pulsed. "That is also illegal," he said.

"Well yes, but it's not criminal activity in the same sense as what Walt was doing."

"When did you next see the defendant?"

"I next saw Skyler two days later at Garduno's Mexican restaurant."

"Who else was there?"

"Hank and Walt."

"A family dinner at Garduno's."

"No, the kids weren't there."

"If you could run us through it from the start. What was said?"

"Walt said that he had called us there to talk about the kids. Particularly Flynn - Holly was a baby then so she couldn't understand anything about it, but we, Hank and I, wanted to tell Flynn about it, and Walt and Skyler were preventing us from doing that. I also said that I wanted the kids to come and live with us because I didn't think they were safe with Walt. So we had a fairly emotion-charged discussion about it, mostly between me and Hank and Walt."

"Skyler was silent again?"

"No, Walt was just controlling the situation, he was trying to speak for her all the time. She didn't get a chance to say very much."

"What did she say?"

"She only spoke when I addressed her directly about wanting the kids to come to our house. She said that there was no longer a safety issue for the kids because Walt was no longer doing what he'd been doing."

"What words did she use?"

"'This is not an ongoing situation,' something like that. Both of them were saying that there was no evidence, nothing ongoing and that therefore they thought it wasn't worth splitting apart our family and telling Flynn about it because it would upset him - yes, of course it would upset him, but our family had already been split apart at that point and it's not as if Flynn was ever not going to find out, it's -"

"Just stick to what was happening at the restaurant. It was a discussion about family?"

"Well that was what Walt wanted to talk about because he wanted to pull our heart strings about Flynn. That was how he operated - he was very adept at using emotional blackmail to manipulate people into doing what he wanted them to do. Hank turned the discussion around to what we wanted to talk about, which was Walt's criminal activity, and he was telling Walt that he couldn't get away with it and he should just admit it and so on, and then Walt stood up and he said to Skyler, 'Let's go,' and then he placed a DVD on the table in front of Hank."

"What did this DVD look like?"

"It was blank, it didn't have any writing on it. It was in a small plastic case."

"It was a home-burned DVD?"

"Yes."

"What happened next?"

"Walt and Skyler left, and Hank and I had dinner and then we went home and watched it."

"And what was on this DVD?"

"It was a video of Walt talking. He started by stating his full name and address, and he said that this was his confession." Marie wiggled her fingers to show that the word 'confession' was in parentheses. "He said that he had been making methamphetamine but he said that Hank had been making him do it. Which is obviously not true, but this was his threat to us that if we didn't back off, he would show this video to people to try and discredit Hank."

"So it was a blackmail video?"

"Yes."

"Did Skyler say anything when her husband handed this video to Hank?"

"No. She was just looking down. She wasn't happy about it."

"Do you think she knew what was on the DVD?"

Marie nodded. "Yeah."

"She used blackmail on a member of her own family to save herself and her husband?"

Marie paused, then nodded again. "Yeah. She later told me that she had thought it was better to work with Walt on it because she thought that if she didn't, he would go off and do something worse by himself."

"This is information that both of you did not reveal straight away in your police interviews."

"Not deliberately. The early interviews had more pressing problems in them - Hank and Steve were missing, Walt had skipped town. I found all of that very hard to deal with obviously, and the blackmail was... that was one of the hardest things, actually. So it took me a while to get it straight in my head and be able to figure out what to say about it. It came out when I was being questioned on why Hank hadn't called it in. Which was, as I recall, pretty early on."

"It was. It was in your interview with ASAC Ramey and then Agent Hoffman on March 17th 2010." Prosecutor Martin turned to the jury. "The defendant did not mention it at all. After Mrs Schrader reported it, agents asked the defendant about it directly, and then she confessed to it." He turned back to Marie. "What happened after that? You and your husband were blackmailed. Did that gag you? Did that stop you from taking further action?"

Marie shook her head. "We decided not to take any further action on the kids at that time. Hank said that the only way we could make sure they were safe, and make sure Skyler was safe, was to do things the right way: to find the evidence to put Walt behind bars. He set about doing that."

"What did he do?"

"He convinced Walt's business partner Jesse Pinkman to give evidence against him. He told Agent Gomez what was going on and the two of them worked together to interview Pinkman at our house."

"At your house? They couldn't do that at the DEA because of the blackmail?"

"No, it was because Hank was concerned that if he took Pinkman into custody officially, Walt would have him killed in jail."

"When did you next see the defendant after the night at the Mexican restaurant?"

Marie leaned back and pressed her lips together. "It was only four days after that. It was a Saturday afternoon. Hank phoned me to…" Marie swallowed, and she closed her eyes briefly to compose herself. "He phoned me from To'hajiilee - well I didn't know then that it was To'hajiilee, I found that out later. He phoned to tell me that he had arrested Walt. I thought that that was fantastic. I'd just really wanted him to be gone so that I could go in and check if my sister and my niece and nephew were ok. I had to decide whether I could forgive Skyler for not being forthcoming. After Hank called I thought about that for a couple hours and I decided that I could. I decided that I wanted to help her out. So I went to their house and they weren't there, so I went to the car wash, and they were all there - Skyler, Holly and Flynn. I talked to Skyler first and I told her that Hank had arrested Walt."

"And what you didn't know was that your husband had been murdered, probably only minutes after arresting Walter, in a gun fight with Walter's associates-"

"Objection!" said Kim. "Relevance."

Prosecutor Martin paused and turned slowly. Marie stood, stony-faced.

"ASAC Schrader's death was a very significant thing that happened on that day, Ms Wexler."

"So just say that he was killed – there is no need to mention Walter White's gunslinging associates because this is the trial of Skyler White, not Walter White, who never met these people and never had anything to do with that and who, at the time Mrs Schrader was discussing, was just as ignorant as she was."

The prosecutor's lip curled. The judge took a breath and looked between the two lawyers. "Sustained," she said.

The prosecutor sighed and cleared his throat. "Mrs Schrader," he said. "At the time when you went to speak to your sister at her car wash, did you know that your husband had been killed?"

"No. I thought he had arrested Walt and taken him to the DEA. I told Skyler that and I told her that I was willing to support her and so would Hank, and I told her that we had to tell Flynn."

"How did she react?"

"She cried. But she wasn't concerned about Walt, she was concerned about Flynn. She really didn't, and she still doesn't, want him to know stuff because she's always worried about him being hurt. But in the end you have to know, of course, and so we told him that day in the car wash. And that was the day that that 16-year-old grew up."

Skyler gave a faint whimper, and Marie looked at her.

"What happened next from your perspective? What did you do?"

"I told Skyler to take the kids home and try to relax and regroup. She was still crying and Flynn was kind of angry. So I gave them a hug and I told Skyler that I would come by later. I went home."

"I'm interested as to why you were being so supportive of your sister after she had blackmailed you. Why was that?"

"That was my condition. That was one of the first things I said after I told her Walt had been arrested. I said I would support her if she gave me all copies of the video. She said she only had one and she gave it to me right away."

"Right away as in at the car wash? Before you went home?"

"Yes, she had it in her office there. She said that the condition she had made Walt agree on was that she would keep it, not him."

"She wanted to be in control of the blackmail?"

"Just to stop him from… she said that was why she worked with him on it, to stop him from having control of it because if he controlled the video then he might actually use it, and she didn't want him to use it."

"That wasn't in your original statement."

"Oh no, it wouldn't have been, because I made that statement before I talked to Skyler about it."

"You spoke to her about it afterwards?"

"Yes."

"When was that?"

"A couple weeks later. I went around to her house to ask her about it."

The prosecutor sighed and looked languidly at his notes. "How did it make you feel? When your sister blackmailed your husband?"

"When my brother-in-law blackmailed my husband. Skyler went along with it, she said she helped him do it so that she could control how it was carried out, and that she could control how many copies were made and she kept them herself, she didn't allow Walt to keep them. She also said that she destroyed the SD card of the camera it was filmed on and-"

"Mrs Schrader, none of this is in your original statement about the blackmail. Do you want to change your statement?"

"No, I'm just adding to it. When I made my original statement, Skyler had not yet told me that. The DEA never asked me about it again. You're asking me different questions than they did anyway."

"Mrs Schrader, do you know the reason why this court case was adjourned yesterday?"

"Something about hearsay evidence."

"This is hearsay. You're giving me hearsay right now. You're here to talk about what _you_ witnessed, and actually we were in the middle of talking about the day your husband died when you went off topic and started giving hearsay evidence about something your sister told you two weeks later."

"I did not go off topic, you started asking me about the blackmail!"

"Which I had previously asked you about earlier in this conversation and you had not mentioned this extra information. Just like you didn't mention it in your original DEA interview about it."

"In my original interview I didn't know, and in our earlier conversation today you didn't ask me about that, you asked me what did the DVD look like and what was on it, not -"

Kim stood up. "Your Honour, can we check the transcript of Mrs Schrader's testimony? I'm pretty sure she did actually mention this earlier."

Prosecutor Martin closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose.

"I'll allow that," said the judge.

The court transcript writers started scrolling back through what they had typed. Kim watched them for a moment, then walked over to them and bent over the desk in front of them to look over their shoulders. "Here it is," she said after a few seconds. "Just ah, from there to there," she said to one of the transcript writers, a young nervous-looking man with glasses. "Can you read that out?"

"Witness Schrader: Yeah. She later told me that she had thought it was better to work with Walt on it because she thought that if she didn't he would go off and do something worse by himself. Prosecutor Martin: This is information that both of you didn't reveal straight away in your police interviews. Witness Schrader: Not deliberately. The early interviews had-"

"That's enough," said Kim. "Thank you." She returned to her seat.

"Thank you for your meticulousness, Ms Wexler," said Prosecutor Martin, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "You have proven that Mrs Schrader hinted at this information earlier in this conversation. Only hinted. The fact remains that it was not in any of her police interviews; she has changed her statement, and it remains hearsay evidence which, thanks to you, has been ruled inadmissible in this court case."

"Alright, enough," said the judge. "Mrs Schrader, do you wish to change your statement about the blackmail?"

"No, I'm not changing it, I'm just adding some information that I got after I first told the DEA about it!"

"And this is information that was given to you by the defendant when you said you went around to her house two weeks later to ask her about it."

"Yes. I asked her why did she go along with the blackmail. She said that Walt was going to do it either way so she figured if she did it _with_ him she could control how it was done and limit the damage."

"Alright. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will please disregard everything that's been said in the last ten minutes, as it was hearsay evidence. Stenographers, can you please take us back to the part of Mrs Schrader's evidence when she was discussing meeting with the defendant and her son in the defendant's car wash. Read out what was said then, please."

"Your Honour, if I may" said Prosecutor Martin. "The reason I asked the witness about the blackmail again was that she had stated that on that day she had offered support to her sister, and I wanted to know why she would do that after her sister blackmailed her. The witness said that she had told her sister at that time that she would only give her support if she surrendered to her all copies of the blackmail video. She then stated that it was the defendant who had kept all copies of the blackmail video, and not her husband."

"One," said Marie. "She only kept one copy because she didn't want to -"

"Mrs Schrader, please do not speak until you are addressed again," said the judge. "Stenographers, take it up to that point, what was said then?"

"Ahh," said the other transcript writer, a plump older woman in a green cardigan and glasses. "Witness Schrader: I said I would support her if she gave me all copies of the video. She said she only had one and she gave it to me right away. Prosecutor Martin: Right away as in at the car wash? Before you went home? Witness Schrader: Yes, she had it in her office there. She said that the condition she had made Walt agree on was that she would keep it, not him."

"That's hearsay," said the judge. "Cut it at, 'She gave it to me right away.' Members of the jury, please disregard everything that was said in this courtroom after Witness Schrader said, 'She gave it to me right away.' Witness Schrader, you will please restrict yourself to reporting things you have directly been involved in, rather than things you have been told. Prosecutor Martin, you may continue your examination of the witness."

Marie frowned.

"Ok, let's regroup ourselves here," said Prosecutor Martin. "We were talking about your meeting with the defendant in her office at the car wash when you told her that your husband, Hank Schrader, had arrested her husband, Walter White."

"Yeah," said Marie sullenly.

"You said that at your encouragement she had told her son what his father had been doing and he had been angry and she had been crying. Did she give you her copy of the blackmail DVD after this?"

"No, before. I asked her about the blackmail before Flynn came in the room."

"Why didn't you say that before?"

"Because you didn't ask!"

"I asked you to tell me exactly what happened on that day in the order that it happened in."

"You did not, you did not say in the order -"

"You said that you had told the defendant that your husband had arrested Walter, you told her you would support her, you encouraged her to tell her son, and then you told her to take her kids home and you said you gave them all a hug. Is that what you said?"

"Yes, and I said that my supporting her was conditional on her giving me the blackmail video, which she did."

"You only said that after I asked you why you had offered to support her after she had blackmailed your husband."

"Alright, whatever, the point is I said it!"

"Can we check the transcript again?"

"Why? I'm not denying what I said, it's there in black and white!"

"Mrs Schrader, I will remind you that you are a prosecution witness - it is not for you to argue with the Prosecution!"


	9. Chapter 9

"Hey Flynn!" said Marie as she threw her keys onto her kitchen counter and sighed. "How are you?"

"I'm good. S-sorry, I let myself in again, I hope you don't mind."

"No problem, you're gonna be living here soon anyway. And I saw your car in the driveway, so it's not like it was a surprise. What are you doing?"

"Just some readings for class. In college, they call them…readings."

Marie laughed. "And because you're a freshman you're still reading them? We'll see how long that lasts."

"No, I'm... I find it really interesting and I love being in college, so. I al-almost didn't get to do it."

"Yeah. Good for you."

"So how are things?"

"Oh my god. This court case is the most tedious thing ever in the entire world."

"Really? Like, boring?"

"Oh, it is so boring! Actually lots of really interesting things happened to us, I mean they were horrible but they were interesting, and if they would just let me talk about those and explain them that would be fine, but they keep being really finicky about all the little details, and they question you on everything – 'Oh, why did you say that that way, you didn't say that before, oh hey what did you say before, how about we go back and check the record!' They've got these little people who type everything down, right, for the court record. Transcript! Transcript, that's what it's called. Today, they paused proceedings three times to go back and check what was written in the transcript from five minutes before. Why people don't remember what was said five minutes ago... Jesus, just let me talk, let me explain it - I thought the whole reason they wanted me to go there was they wanted me to tell them things, but noooooo!"

"S-so you were…in the witness box today?"

"Yeah, and yesterday, for like five minutes before they cut me off and then adjourned the entire afternoon. And apparently they want me tomorrow too, which means I'm still not allowed to talk to your mom. I'm glad you're here. I was going crazy on my own last night."

"Why aren't you allowed to talk to…Mom?"

"Well apparently there's no rule against it - I'm not sure why there isn't, though, I mean people could totally be changing their evidence if they're just talking to each other in between times and saying, 'Oh no, you should have said that instead!' But apparently there isn't actually a rule against it, but her lawyer told me that it's basically in her interest that I don't talk to her because then if she did have any influence on what I then said the following day, the Prosecution could pick up on that and throw my testimony out and accuse her of trying to manipulate justice or something. Could get messy messy. I tell you what though, they better get done with me tomorrow because the next day is Holly's birthday party, and I'm not missing Holly's birthday party, that's not negotiable, and your mom is not missing it either! I mean unless they convict her tonight, which is very unlikely because they draw everything out for _such_ a long time! At this rate, we'll be lucky if we get done by Christmas."

"Wow. So wh-what were they asking you about?"

"Oh." Marie rolled her eyes. "The worst day of my life. We were talking about the day your uncle died, which was the worst day of my life, but now, to me it actually feels boring, because we kept on rehashing over the same bit of it over and over again; so ok you went to the car wash to talk to Skyler and Flynn, ok, wait a minute, rewind, what did you say at the start, wait rewind, what did you say ten minutes ago, what did Skyler say, what did you say, what did she do, wait rewind again..." Marie went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine. "You want some?"

"Sure."

She poured two glasses, still shaking her head. "Don't tell your mom I'm giving you wine."

"Definitely not."

Marie and Flynn laughed.

...

"Mrs Schrader," said Kim, as she stepped up to the witness box the following morning to begin her cross examination. "When did you first realise that something was not right with your sister? That something was upsetting her?"

Marie sighed. "Ooh. That's a tough one because it went on for such a long time. First there was the whole Walt having cancer thing. That upset her, well it upset all of us, but obviously in a much more simple way than what happened later. So she had seemed kind of stressed for some time, but I thought it was just because of that. I first realised that something more was going on when she abruptly and without warning kicked him out of the house."

"When was this?"

"I remember Holly was really tiny, maybe two months? And she's almost 3 now, so. Almost 3 years ago."

"Did Skyler tell you why she was breaking up with Walter?"

"No, and that was what was odd. We're close, we tell each other stuff, always have. She would not tell me _anything_ about that, no matter how much I asked. Hank said he thought Walt was having affair, but that didn't seem right to me, it seemed too simple. If that were the case, I thought she would tell me. But she just didn't tell me anything and I had no idea what it was."

"Was that the first time she'd hidden something from you?"

"Well not the first time ever, I mean we don't tell each other everything all the time, but it was the first significant thing, yes. Kicking Walt out of the house was a pretty significant thing, and actually she needed my help with it because she wanted to stay with me for a bit and have my support and have Hank help Walt carry his things out. So we were involved. And she wouldn't tell us why."

"How did Walt seem at that time?"

"I didn't see him very much then. But one thing he did do was abruptly move back into the house without Skyler's permission. Skyler called the police and I think maybe she almost told them then, almost, but she couldn't bring herself to. So he was there without her permission for a while, and then eventually he left, but he was still sort of around. Like he would be there for family stuff - actually Hank got badly injured quite soon after that and so we were in a family crisis and Walt was there then. So they, they split up but he never actually went away."

"How was she around him in that time?"

"She would look at him with this weird look on her face, it was kind of… trepidation. And guardedness."

"Were you worried about her?"

"A little, because I knew she was going through some stuff, but so was I so I didn't really have time to think about it very much. And she's always been good at putting up a facade of being ok, and I'm probably guilty of not really checking. At that time. Hank was in the hospital and I was going through enough myself and I just didn't really think about it. I really became worried about her later on, when she was running the car wash. One day I visited her at lunch time and we were talking in her office - I was telling her something, I can't remember what it was now - and she seemed to be kind of absent, like she wasn't really paying attention to what I was saying, and then suddenly she stood up and went to the window and lit a cigarette. Which really surprised me because I hadn't seen her smoke in I guess about 17 years at that point. And she was inside in an office and there are laws against that, so I was really surprised, and I started saying to her hey what are you doing, you can't smoke, this is an office, Holly's just over there, what are you doing? And she was standing at the window not reacting to anything I was saying for about a minute, and then suddenly she just exploded, and she was yelling, 'Shut up shut up shut up!' over and over. To me, you know. She was telling me to shut up but not in a way that was actually engaging - she wasn't arguing with me, she wasn't responding to anything I had said. I did respond when she told me to shut up and I did shut up. But she just kept saying it and saying it and saying it, like a cracked record, and she'd lost it - she was screaming, she was not in control. And then she started crying. And it was pretty clear that that was not because I had been going on at her about smoking - something else was going on. And I asked her what it was, and she just couldn't really speak. She was crying and gasping and saying, 'I'm sorry, I can't,' and various other half sentences that didn't make any sense. She literally broke down. She ceased to function. She couldn't focus on anything I was saying or anything that she had to do at the car wash, so I just took her home and put her to bed, because she was really not ok. And I was really worried and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, so I waited until Walt got home and I talked to him about it. And he told me some lie that was designed to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible so that I would leave. I had said to him, 'I am not leaving!', and less than five minutes later I _was_ leaving because he had just figured out a way to explain it all away and make me want to get out of his hair! He was a magician with how he did that, he could just manipulate people into doing anything he wanted. And you didn't even realise it was happening."

"So you said you waited for him to get home, so he was back living in the house by then?"

"Yes."

"So they had got back together?"

"Yes, but the other thing that was weird was that she didn't tell me when that happened. Like usually if you got back together with the love of your life you'd tell your sister, right? And I know he'd never really left anyway, he was always sort of around, so it wasn't like he wasn't around and then he was around again. But they weren't living together, and then suddenly they were again, but they didn't say so. And it wasn't like they acted like they'd got back together either, they didn't seem any closer; if anything they seemed further apart and she seemed more guarded and wary of him. And she didn't tell me they'd got back together, so I didn't actually realise it had happened until Flynn told me. And then I asked Skyler and she just said, 'Yeah, he's moved back in,' and then changed the subject and wouldn't say anything more about it. And then not long after that the screaming in her office thing happened."

"Did anything else happen that made you think something was really wrong?"

"Yeah. Oh yeah, there was one thing in particular that made it crystal clear how distressed she was. And how desperate."

"Tell us about it."

"Yeah, so I tried to talk to her a few times after the yelling in the office incident, but she wouldn't say anything, and that particular thing didn't happen again. So then it was just in the background for a couple of weeks until Walt's birthday. And on his birthday that year we all had dinner on the patio furniture outside: me and Hank and Walt and Skyler and Flynn. Skyler took Holly to bed early, and Flynn left at about 8 to go to a friend's house. Skyler had been pretty quiet for most of the night - I had noticed that and I'd been watching her. She responded when Flynn said he was leaving and she spoke to him, and that was about the only thing she said for at least an hour. Then right after Flynn left, Walt started talking about his cancer; he was talking about how it'd been a year since he was diagnosed because he'd been diagnosed the day after his birthday the previous year. And he was talking, just rambling really, about how far he had come and thanking Skyler for helping him and he was just going on and on about it for a few minutes, and Skyler wasn't even at the table anymore. She'd got up right at the start of his speech and started wandering around by the pool. She had her back to us, and I was trying to figure out what she was doing - I was watching her but listening to Walt, who didn't seem to even notice that she'd gotten up from the table or that she was withdrawn or that anything could be wrong with her at all. And he just kept talking. Then Skyler started dipping her foot into the pool. And I thought the water must be freezing, so I said that to her, I said isn't that cold, and then the next second she dived all the way into the pool. And when I say all the way in, I don't mean she'd just gone swimming, I mean she had dived right to the bottom. One moment she was standing out of the pool and the next she was gone, I couldn't even see her, and I jumped to my feet and then I could see her way down the bottom, not moving at all. She was just like a rock on the bottom. Her skirt was kind of floating around her but her body didn't seem to be moving at all."

"She was fully clothed?"

"Yeah."

"And she hadn't given any indication that she wanted to go swimming, or…?"

"No, she was just wandering around, withdrawn from our conversation, and she was standing at the edge of the pool, and she suddenly jumped all the way in. And my heart was in my throat - it was the most harrowing thing I had ever seen at that point - and I was just screaming, is she gonna come up, Skyler, come up! … and she wasn't."

"She wasn't coming up?"

"No. She wasn't even moving!"

"So what happened?"

"Yeah well, this is really harrowing too, because Walt jumped in there to pull her out, because it became obvious that she wasn't gonna come up on her own. So he jumped in, and she was just fighting him. He pulled her to the surface, and she was screaming and writhing and just trying to get away from him as much as she could. And he was just grabbing her, he wouldn't let her go. She was at the surface at that point, she was kicking and breathing - he didn't need to save her life anymore, but he still had his arms around her and he wouldn't let her go - she was flailing her arms out and he was grabbing them and pulling them back in. And he pulled her down to the shallow end to the steps, and at that point I found my voice and yelled at him to let her go. And I did have to yell before he would hear me and listen. So then he let her go and I put my arm around her and walked her around to the bedroom - there was a patio door on the bedroom which wasn't far from the pool. So we went in there and I got her out of her wet clothes and things and she just… For at least ten minutes, she didn't say a word. She wasn't completely frozen; she was responding to my touch, like when I was pulling her out of her wet clothes she would move her arms and whatever so I could get them off, but her face was kind of frozen with this harrowing vacant expression."

Marie stopped. Her eyes closed and her hand went over her mouth.

"Had you known her to do anything like that before?"

"No." Marie shook her head.

"Did she have any history of mental illness?"

"No. Not then. She definitely has a mental illness now, but she refuses to get therapy so I don't know what it is. When she was yelling in the office, which was a couple weeks before that, that was the first time I saw it. But since then, plenty of times, all because of Walt and what he did."

"So getting back to that particular night. You helped Skyler out of her wet clothes. Then what happened?"

"I was trying to ask her what was wrong, and she wasn't saying. But she said that she was having trouble with Walt and I said, 'Yes, I can see that.' And she said that they needed time alone to work on their marriage, and she asked me if Hank and I would take the kids for a little while. I was surprised - that was the last thing I was expecting her to say. I know how much she dotes on the kids and I didn't think she would be happy to not have them in her house, but she was seriously asking me for that and she had this look of… despair. And I couldn't say no to that. So Hank and I took the kids for three months. What we didn't know was that actually the reason she wanted them out of the house was that their father was a methamphetamine kingpin and she didn't think it was safe for them. She didn't think she was safe either, but she was willing to sacrifice herself for the kids."

"What happened after that?"

"We had the kids for three months. Skyler and Walt would visit them separately. When Skyler came I would ask her how she was and how things were going with Walt, and she wouldn't really answer. She'd say that they were still working on it or she didn't want to talk about it, or…"

"How well did you know Walt?"

"He was my brother-in-law for 18 years, so... pretty well."

"How would you describe him?"

"Incredibly intelligent. Quite withdrawn. Very proud. Uncompromising. If he put his foot down on something, that was it, he wouldn't be moved. And he was very very manipulative, and that was something that wasn't always noticeable because he was so good at it you didn't realise he was doing it to you. But it was just as a way of getting his own way. He had the intelligence to be able to read exactly how the other person thought and what they wanted and what would motivate them, so in order to get them to do what he wanted them to do he could figure out exactly what to say, and they would be putty in his hands."

"And how much do you think he was manipulating Skyler?"

"Oh." Marie sighed. "Skyler destroyed herself for him. He made her give up every principle she had ever had. I know that she didn't want to do it because of how she was during it and how she is now. During it, she was incredibly stressed, she was frightened, she didn't seem able to talk. She was closed off and withdrawn, which is not like her at all. Now, and for the last 18 months since Hank died and it all came out, she is a shell of what she used to be. She blames herself for everything that happened, the way she interacts with me has changed completely - she used to be kind of sassy, independent, chatty, and she used to argue with me. You've probably noticed that I'm fairly, you know, talkative myself, and she used to tell me to shut up, and argue with me and we'd fight and then make up and whatever. Now, she barely says anything at all. She will talk about the children and that's about it. She's withdrawn, she's depressed, she never smiles. She is a shell of what she used to be. And it's because all Walt's shit blew up and my husband died because of it and she found out _after_ about all the people that Walt had killed and all the other horrible things he did that she didn't even know about. And she blames herself even though none of that was her fault.

"So that's how I know that she didn't want to do it, because of her conscience. She never got anything out of it. While it was happening she was afraid, and now she's devastated and wracked with guilt. She won't stop apologising to me, and… she hates herself. She told me that. She hates herself. And she used to be confident, energetic, happy, motivated, positive… and he rubbed it out of her."

...

Flynn found the book his tutor had recommended on the history of computer programming and marvelled that a book about such a very specific thing existed. He took it to a small sofa next to the study tables and sat down. Looking from left to right, he sneakily put his feet up on the coffee table in front of the sofa and leaned back. The table was covered in newspapers and magazines for the students' perusal. His foot accidentally dislodged a stack of them, and he quickly leaned forward again and picked them all up with an embarrassed look on his face. He picked up his book again, and then his eye fell on that day's edition of the Albuquerque Journal, which was sitting on the table. "WHITES BLACKMAILED BROTHER-IN-LAW," the headline said. Flynn frowned.

...

"No further questions, Your Honour," said Kim, and she turned away from Marie and began to move back towards her seat.

"Oh, wait," said Marie. "Don't you want to ask me if I blame Skyler for Hank's death?"

Kim turned and looked at her.

"It's just that I was cut off yesterday when I was asked that. I wanna go on the record and say that I don't."

Kim smiled. "Mrs Schrader, I didn't ask you that because it is not remotely relevant. All the crimes that my client's husband either committed directly or influenced, and all the hurt that he caused to others, are not relevant to this trial. The defendant is on trial for one thing, money laundering. She did that under coercion from him, so what he did to her is very relevant, but what he did to others, not at all. She's not on trial for what he did. She did not control what he did. And any time the Prosecution makes loaded comments or leading questions implying that my client is to blame for anything Walter White did, I will object, because I do not believe it is acceptable to lay blame on her for his actions solely because she is still alive and he is not, and -"

"Objection!" Prosecutor Martin stood. "Opinion!"

"Sustained," said the judge.

Kim smiled. "Sorry. No further questions, Your Honour."

"Prosecutor Martin, do you have any further questions for the witness?" asked the judge.

"I do, Your Honour." Prosecutor Martin stood up. "Mrs Schrader, you described two instances in which your sister appeared to lose control of herself, of her wits, once when she started yelling at you in her office at the car wash where she was laundering money, and once when she suddenly leapt to the bottom of her backyard pool fully clothed."

"Yes."

"Did she receive any psychological treatment after either of these incidents?"

"Walt told me that she did, but he was lying."

"She didn't?"

"No."

"Did she seem sane afterwards?"

"Sane? Yes. She was not alright, but she was lucid."

"Did you ever consider that she might have been putting on an act?"

"No! Why would she do that?"

"Well you say that your brother-in-law was very good at manipulating people, but clearly your sister is too; you stated yesterday that she had kept the truth about hers and her husband's criminal activity from you for more than a year, and that she had constructed in intricate detail a story about gambling which you believed."

"How is that related to her jumping into the pool?"

"I'm implying that she's also skilled in manipulation."

"Look, I know my sister, ok? I know when she's not alright and I know when she's not in control. Sometimes she's pretending she's in control, I can't always pick that; in fact when she was doing the money laundering she was even pretending to herself that she was in control when she wasn't. But when she loses it, she loses it. She always tries to stay in control for as long as she can, but then sometimes she loses it, and that night, it was particularly the way she screamed that really shook me up, when Walt was pulling her out of the pool? She was just trying to get away from him, and he wouldn't let her. That was raw and it was real."

"But she was completely fine the next day."

"No, she wasn't. She had regained control, she wasn't screaming the next time I saw her, but I could tell from her eyes that she was not fine."

"Did you believe her when she told you about the gambling?"

"That is not remotely the same thing. It was a good lie she told about the gambling, ok, Skyler can tell a good lie. But she was not ok then either. She'd just broken up with her husband and she wouldn't tell me why. She was clearly very upset about it, but she wouldn't discuss it and she hid all of her feelings from me. When she explained about the gambling, it made sense as a reason for that, as a reason for why she'd been so upset and hadn't been able to discuss it. Her emotional state was real, the gambling was just a way to explain it."

"How did you feel when you found out that your sister was a liar?"

"Objection!" Kim stood. "That wasn't covered in the cross-examination."

"No it wasn't - sustained," said the judge.

...

ASAC Hoffman powered along the corridor, looking left and right. He found the room marked 'Prosecution Counsel' and charged through the door as if it wasn't there. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

Prosecutor Martin, who was sitting on a leather sofa having an intense discussion with Prosecutor Viney, turned.

"You just let them walk all over you!"

"Them?"

"Marie Schrader! She was supposed to be a Prosecution witness!"

"Well with respect, calling the defendant's sister as a Prosecution witness was not my idea."

"It wasn't mine."

"No, it was your boss's. And John here kept insisting that if we didn't call her as a Prosecution witness she would be called as a Defence witness, which would mean that we would only get to question her once, not twice, and would be, in his words, 'on the back foot'. However, what ended up happening was, while I opened as strongly as I could in the first examination, the cross-examination unsurprisingly asked her things that were only beneficial to the defendant and didn't even involve the law at all."

"Yeah exactly, she was just crapping on about the defendant's mental health - that is nothing to do with the law, why didn't you object?"

"A trial is not only about the law. A trial explores all things to do with a defendant's state of mind and why they committed the crime. There was nothing in the cross-examination I could object to, and while there were many things I would've loved to have said to enhance my 'she was only manipulating you' argument, I am not allowed to mention anything in the re-examination that was not covered in the cross-examination, so because the Counsel for the Defence deliberately covered almost nothing in the cross-examination, I had nothing to finish on!"

"Look, it's alright," said Viney. "It's still early days. We've got some key witnesses coming up. Wolynetz? He wants blood. And no-one can argue with the IRS. And I know Patrick Kuby is no angel, but what he's got to say is -"

"We shouldn't have called her for the Prosecution." Martin shook his head.

"Then she would've been called for the Defence," said Hoffman.

"Yeah, and then I would've got to pick her apart because _I_ would've been in charge of the cross-examination! Then I also," he lowered his voice, "could have brought up her own criminal record. I could have taken her apart! I couldn't do that during a prosecution!"

"You couldn't have done it in the re-examination?"

"No! The re-examination can only cover things that were brought up during the cross-examination!"

"Why didn't you explain that better to us? When we were deciding to call her?"

"I recommended against it."

"But you didn't explain why!"

"And you can see why now? Well bully for me."

"Ok guys, just calm down," said Viney. "Who are we gonna do after lunch, who is going to do the most damage for the jury to mull over throughout the weekend?"

"Wolynetz."

"No, Wolynetz knows barely anything. Being angry doesn't make you more powerful or more persuasive."

"The IRS guy?"

"No, that's gonna take a whole day. We want a quick afternoon value-for-money witness. Someone who can blow Marie Schrader out of the water."

"Well of the three you mentioned earlier, there's only one left."

"Yeah."

"Kuby? Seriously?"

"You're right that I didn't get to ram home my point about the defendant being manipulative in the re-examination. That's not my fault, because I wasn't given anything to work with. But I can still ram home that point with Kuby. And you know what's even better about him? He didn't deal with Walter at all. It was all her. That's what I want on the jurors' minds all weekend."

...

Marie walked through the public gallery door, and looked around. The lawyers and paralegals were looking at their notes and talking to each other quietly. Skyler was sitting silently in the dock, her back hunched over and her arms on her knees. Marie realised she hadn't seen her sit up once so far.

Marie excused herself and pushed past a couple of other people to sit at the end of a row. She had a good view of Skyler. She was looking at her hands, her fingers were moving, and to Marie it looked like she was wringing them.

Judge Stephens entered, and everyone stood. She sat, and everyone sat except the Prosecutor. "The next witness I would like to call, Your Honour, is Patrick Kuby."

It took a couple of minutes for this new witness to appear, during which time Marie racked her brain to try and figure out who he was, and didn't have any luck whatsoever. When he appeared, she peered at him with great curiosity. He didn't look familiar at all. She looked at her sister. She seemed to know him. She was staring at him with wide eyes. Marie thought she saw fear.

"I swear that the testimony I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God," said the witness.

He's well spoken, thought Marie, regarding him with interest.

"Please state your full name for the record," said Prosecutor Martin.

"Patrick Brian Kuby."

"Mr Kuby, is the woman sitting there," he gestured towards Skyler, "known to you personally?"

"Yes."

"Do you know her well?"

"No, I did a job for her just one time."

Skyler let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. Ted really must have kept quiet, she thought.

"How did she come to hire you for this job?"

"It came through Saul Goodman. I used to do a few odd jobs for him and for clients of his. He told me he had a client who needed someone to pretend to be from the Environmental Protection Agency, in order to convince a man the EPA were going to shut his business down."

"And why did the defendant want you to do that?"

"Because she wanted to buy the business."

"What was the name of this business?"

"A1A Car Wash."

"Did the defendant tell you about her plan to convince the business owner the EPA would shut him down, or did it come through Goodman?"

"Well Goodman asked me if I was willing to impersonate someone from the EPA - he said the job would pay $2,000 for about 2 hours' work. Turned out it was only one." He smiled. "Well, maybe an hour and a half including our meeting beforehand."

"Was that meeting with the defendant?"

"Yeah. Her and Goodman. Goodman phoned me first to ask if I would do it, I said yes, he called me down to his office and introduced me to Mrs White."

"And what did she say to you exactly?"

"The explanation of the job was kind of a tag team between her and Goodman; he likes to explain things in a dramatic fashion, to put elaboration on things, and she kept cutting him off so that she could give me a more detailed explanation."

"So which of them was running this meeting?"

"Well they were both trying to, but she was winning it hands down. She was the one who understood everything and had the whole thing planned out. She brought a whole bunch of binders and books with her which contained all the relevant environmental legislation, I mean both state and federal - she was really thorough about it. So she pointed out to me which ones she wanted me to cover, and I said, 'I'm never gonna remember that,' and she said, 'Don't worry, I'll tell you.' She gave me one of those little Bluetooth ear pieces you can use for your cell phone. She told me I had to wear that, and that she would be talking into my ear, telling me what to say to the car wash guy."

"Can you describe the binders that she showed you? Did they look like something she had prepared herself?"

"Yeah, it looked like it. There were two or three binders and a notebook. The binders had a bunch of printed pages in them, which were the legislation, but there were also handwritten notes, sometimes on separate paper and sometimes written right there onto the legislation pages. And a lot of those little post-it note markers, the page markers. They were all through it. And through the books as well, all over the place."

"Do you recall the names of any of the pieces of legislation that were in there?"

"No, I'm not sure. They were all to do with environmental protection, though. She did make me read some of them, but this was like two and a half years ago, so I don't remember what they were called."

"Tell the court what the defendant instructed you to do exactly."

"In our meeting, Goodman gave me some little glass vials and showed me a plan of the site of the car wash. Mrs White pointed out four different places I should go to with the car wash owner to take samples of his wastewater. Then she gave me this white powder in a little bag, like a little zip-lock bag. It kinda looked like drugs, but it wasn't. She said I had to take the samples, then put the powder into them, close off the lids on the little vials and shake them around a bit in front of the man from the car wash. Goodman said that it would turn red, Mrs White said brown, and they kind of argued about that for a bit. Then Goodman said that it didn't matter what colour it turned, as long as I convinced the car wash guy that the colour was bad. And that it meant that his car wash was putting too many chemicals into the environment."

"So you were instructed to demonstrate this to the owner of A1A Car Wash by taking samples from his outlets, mixing an unknown powder into them and telling him that the resultant colour proved that his car wash was not meeting the environmental regulations."

"Correct. And then I had to tell him that he would have to install a whole new cleaning system to clean up his site so it wasn't polluting. And when I told him that, he already knew how much that would cost. Like, he'd already looked into it. Goodman probably sent him a fake letter from the EPA, probably a little while before that. When I got there, it wasn't a surprise to the guy - he was expecting me."

"And how did your car wash inspection go?"

"Well, I did exactly what Mrs White said. I went with the car wash owner all around the site and took different samples, mixed them up in the vials with the powder so they turned reddy brown. I told him what the EPA expected and that his filtration system wasn't up to the task. I told him it looked like his chemicals were leaching into the ground water, and that he would have to close down his business until the issue could be rectified."

"And what was the defendant doing at this point?"

"She was on the phone in my ear. She was listening to everything and sometimes telling me things I should add in. And anytime I needed to quote legislation, she read it out to me and I copied what she said."

"She read environmental legislation into your ear?"

"Yeah."

"So how would you say that the meeting with the car wash owner Mr Wolynetz went?"

"I'd say it went exactly according to Mrs White's plan."

"What happened afterwards?"

"She thanked me and took the phone earpiece and the vials back. Goodman paid me. Then that was it, I was done."

"Thank you. No further questions, Your Honour."

Kim stood up. "Mr Kuby, what's your day job?"

"My day job? I do a bit of this and that, security work and a bit of pick-up and delivery, and..."

"Who for?"

"A few different people and companies. I'm kind of a man for hire."

"Pick-up and delivery rings a bell. You were charged with picking up and delivering seven 55-gallon barrels of illicit cash for Walter White, is that correct?"

"Yeah. What can I say, I've done jobs for the whole family!"

"Your criminal record also includes three counts of misrepresentation and five counts of obtaining money by deception."

"Yep."

"You're a con man."

"Con man for hire." He pointed it Skyler. "She needed a con man to do a job to con Mr Wolynetz into selling his car wash to her."

"I have your criminal record in front of me. You did two years in Los Lunas for conning a banker into investing in a farcical start-up scheme, leading to the collapse of the bank and loss of the life savings of thousands of customers. And you did one year for conning an elderly woman into changing her will."

"Yeah well her grandson paid me to do that, so."

"The woman then died in suspicious circumstances."

"Hey that was nothing to do with me. I didn't know he was gonna do that. I would've done a lot more than one year if that had anything to do with me."

"You did one year because you cut a deal with the Prosecution to turn the woman's grandson in."

"Objection!" said Prosecutor Martin.

"Hey, where'd you get that from, that's not on public record!"

"Objection sustained," said the judge.

"Yeah, sustained!" said Kuby. "You can't accuse me of that, it could put me in danger! I have no idea what you're talking about - you're just trying to use smoke and mirrors to discount my evidence!"

"You have recently completed nine months in jail for moving Walter White's cash and aiding and abetting in his methamphetamine enterprise and his escape from the law."

"Hey, I didn't do nearly as much with the money as she did."

"I'm merely pointing out that you only served nine months for it. For aiding and abetting the escape from justice of Walter H. White. But if you don't give evidence here today, or if you say the wrong thing, you're right back inside, aren't you?"

"I'm on probation."

"I'm just pointing out that you're a con man, you're not remotely trustworthy and you have been given a reduced sentence for saying what you've said against Mrs White today. You will say anything to ensure that you, or the person or organisation who has incentivised you, will get what they want."

Kuby shrugged, and smiled.


	10. Chapter 10

Skyler pulled into her parking spot in the apartment complex, turned off the engine and sat. She sat for about fifteen seconds until she heard Holly behind her unbuckling her seatbelt and attempting to open the car door. "Hey!" she said, leaping out of the car and running around to Holly's door just as it began to open. "No no no, Holly, don't do that!"

"Why?"

"No no no, you wait for a grown-up to open the door for you. Always."

"Why?"

"Because in roads and parking lots there are cars. Cars are dangerous. You can't see all the cars, you don't know if one is about to drive right past you when you open the door."

"There's no cars now."

"No, there aren't now, but you are too young to know when there are and when there aren't. Grown-ups know. You always wait for a grown-up to open the door."

"You didn't get out of the car, Mommy. You were just staying there."

"Yeah, so ask me. If you wanna get out, just ask me. Or if it's Flynn or Aunt Marie, you just ask. You don't get out by yourself. Understand?"

"Yeah."

Skyler put her hand on the child's cheek. "Are you sure? You promise?"

"I promise."

Skyler nodded. "Good. Thank you." Skyler opened the door wide enough for Holly to get out, and leaned into the car to grab her handbag, a bag of groceries and a pink child's backpack. Holly ran up the path to their front door. Skyler began to call out to her, then stopped. She was too far away. Skyler straightened up, shut the car door and watched her. She breathed in and out, watching her child and the area all around as she slowly followed her to the front door. Her heart beat a steady staccato as she surveyed all the shadows in the bushes for danger.

Holly got to the front door and reached up to the door handle. She couldn't reach it, but she kept trying, pushing one and then the other hand high in the air until her mother reached her and unlocked the door. The lights were on - Flynn was home. Holly rushed in and saw him standing in the living room. "Finn! Finn!" she yelled and ran towards him. He bent down and gave her a hug. Then he looked up at their mother with an apprehensive expression on his face.

"Finn guess what, we're having pizza!" yelled Holly. "We got bases and olives and mushrooms and ham and pineapple!" Holly rushed into the kitchen and started opening cupboard doors. "Can I help make it, Mommy?"

Skyler was still standing by the door clutching the bags. She could see the look on her son's face, and she was pretty sure she knew what it was about.

"You blackmailed Uncle Hank?" he said.

Skyler let out the breath she been holding. Then, holding his eye, she nodded.

Hurt erupted across Flynn's face. "What?"

Skyler looked at him, a hundred thoughts flying through her mind, unable to say a single one of them. Banging and clattering sounds were heard as Holly rifled through the kitchen cupboards. "Mommy," she said, walking back through to the living room holding a pizza cutter high in the air. "Do we use this?"

"Jesus!" said Skyler, sweeping forward and taking the pizza cutter. "Holly, do not play with knives! This is sharp, it could hurt you!"

Holly's face fell. "I'm not playing. I'm helping make dinner."

Skyler walked past her into the kitchen and begin picking up the items she'd taken out of the cupboards with shaking hands.

"Why would you do that, Mom?" said Flynn, following her. "I don't understand."

Skyler, squatting on the floor with her back to him, closed her eyes.

"H-he was our family, and ... Mom?"

Skyler stood up, but kept her back to him. "Have you talked to Aunt Marie about it?"

"Aunt Marie was quoted in the article!"

Skyler nodded, opening a bag of groceries and beginning to take out ingredients. Holly went and got the small stool she used to reach the sink and the counter, placed it next to her mother and climbed up on it.

"Mom! Are you even…gonna look at me?"

"What's going on, Mommy?" asked Holly, her wide eyes appearing over the top of the counter.

Skyler slowly and steadily turned around and looked at Flynn. "Can we please talk about this after Holly's in bed?"

"Oh yeah, of course, because k-keeping things from your children comes natural to you!"

"She's only three."

"I'm turning three tomorrow, Mommy. It's my birthday!" Holly broke into a big smile.

Skyler patted her head and turned back to the counter. "That's right."

"I'm a big girl now. I can make pizza."

"Yes you can. Have you washed your hands?"

Scowling, Flynn turned and pulled his new smartphone and its hands-free device out of his pocket. He connected it to his phone and dialled his aunt. Then he put the phone back in his pocket and began to slowly climb the stairs to his room. "Hey, Aunt Marie," he said. "Wh-why didn't you tell me about this…blackmail thing?"

...

The next morning, Flynn, Holly and Skyler arrived at Marie's house dressed in varying degrees of fairy and elf costumes. Holly was fully decked out in a pink tutu and wings, Skyler was wearing a figure-hugging blue satin dress, which didn't really hug her figure properly because she'd lost so much weight, and was carrying a pair of glittery brown wings in one hand and a plate of cupcakes in the other. Flynn was wearing a baggy jacket and didn't look dressed up at all. His expression was surly.

Marie answered the door in a loud purple dress complemented with large purple wings, purple eyeshadow and purple glitter across her face. "Hi!" she said with a big grin. "There's the birthday girl!" She dropped to one knee and gave Holly a big hug and kiss. "Happy birthday, sweetheart! Oh look at your costume, aren't you a wonderful fairy!"

"So are you!" said Holly excitedly. "What's that?" She pointed at Marie's face.

"That's face glitter, do you want some?"

"Yeah!"

"Ok, come on." Marie stepped back from the door to let them all in.

"Can Mommy have some too?"

"Sure, if she wants to."

Scowling, Flynn pushed past them into the hallway.

"And where's your costume, mister?" asked his aunt.

Flynn unzipped his jacket to reveal a green button shirt.

"Where's your ears? I specifically made you ears!"

"In my bag," he said grumpily. "The party's not started yet, r-right?"

Holly's excited yells could be heard as she discovered the decorations in the living room.

Marie looked between Skyler and Flynn. "Did you two talk?"

"I did," said Flynn.

"Alright, I know, talking doesn't solve much, but you just gotta keep doing it until it gets a bit better. Come on."

The party entertainers soon arrived, followed in dribs and drabs by a very small number of children and adults. Skyler busied herself with the catering while Marie excitedly joined in on the games the entertainers were running. Flynn sat in an armchair wearing his elf hat, which had somewhat lopsided painted cardboard ears attached to it.

One game finished, and Marie rushed to the kitchen to bring out more food. She found her sister there alone, staring at a tray of jello cups. "Hey!" Marie said excitedly. "I am so glad I found those people, they know the best games! I'm gonna ask them if they have a booklet of them."

Skyler looked up and nodded slowly. "Good idea. Thank you, you've done really well."

"Anything for my little schnookums." She looked in the oven. "Oh, are those mini quiches? I love those."

"They're probably done," said Skyler flatly.

"Awesome." Marie put on an oven mitt and took the tray of mini quiches out of the oven, and began placing them on a platter that was covered in napkins with pictures of fairies on them. Skyler took a potful of mini frankfurters off the stove, drained them and began placing them into a large bowl.

"So was that Kuby guy for real?" asked Marie.

Skyler frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean was he telling the truth?"

"We can't discuss that."

"What, I've already given my testimony!"

"I haven't."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you can't... I mean you don't have to say much, just yes or no, I just… I just wanna know yes or no, was he for real or not?"

"Marie."

"We were technically allowed to talk to each other about it before I gave my testimony and even during - the only reason we didn't was Kim recommended not to, but she said there's no rule against it."

"Marie."

"What, are you just gonna clam up on me? Is that what you did to Flynn last night? I just wanna know, you know, because I've never even heard of the guy before and then suddenly he's there saying these things that you didn't... I didn't -"

Skyler's eyes snapped shut. "Shut up, please. I can't."

Marie was silent for a moment, then picked up the platter of quiches and turned towards her sister. "I take that to mean yes. Yes he was for real. Sky?"

"Did Kim tell you the reason for it not being a good idea for us to talk to each other about this?"

Marie was silent. Skyler looked her in the eye. "Because it's not in my interest."

They looked at each other, Skyler's breathing shaky, Marie's rough and strong. Then Skyler turned and swept down the hallway carrying the frankfurters.

...

"Aunt Marie, where's Shelley?" said Holly, toddling over with ketchup on her face.

Marie picked up a napkin and wiped it. "I don't know, sweetheart. I've been wondering that."

"She said she was gonna come. So did Todd."

"Did they?"

"Can you call their moms?"

"Sure, ok, good idea."

"Who are Shirley and Todd?" asked Flynn.

"Two of her little friends from day care." She dropped her voice. "There should be a lot more kids here - I invited the entire day care centre, we made invitations for every single kid!"

"Ha. Surprise surprise."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't-don't bother calling them. They'll just say something…condescending."

"What are you saying?" Marie hissed.

"They're not gonna send their...kids to the party of the child of a kn-known felon!"

"What? That's not her fault!"

"What, do-do you think it's mine? I've been putting up with…this shit for the last year and a half. Th-they're not gonna let their kids a-anywhere near her."

"Are you talking about your mom or your dad?"

"Oh yeah, well, both of them are felons b-but she's the one who's still alive and wearing a fairy costume! And all over the news all week!"

"Shhhhhhh. Don't let either of them hear you say that."

"What did you expect?"

"I expected that people would let their kids play with their friends!"

"Not us. Holly's gonna grow up with it, i-it will never leave her alone. This is why I keep saying you need to change her name. Do-do it before she enrols in school. Then she has a chance."

"What?"

"You can sign off on it, right, y-you'll be her guardian. Mom won't do it."

"Flynn, I..."

"Wh-where have you been living? Don't you…see people cross to the other side of the street to…avoid Mom?"

Marie's expression indicated that clearly she didn't.

...

Despite the lack of children, Holly had an absolutely wonderful time at her third birthday party and wouldn't stop talking about it for the rest of the evening. The children's entertainers had gifted her with a picture book with the story of all the characters they had brought to life during the party. Skyler and Marie performed the book as Holly's bedtime story, each taking on different roles and delivering lines elaborately and excitably. Flynn almost got pulled in too, but he retreated when he saw how fake they were being. Marie was trying to draw on Holly's excitement and whatever remained of her own. Skyler couldn't feel anything at all, so her demeanour was entirely fake, but that was not unusual.

Flynn rolled his eyes, walked down the hallway to the living room bar, poured himself a glass of red wine and sat sullenly at the table.

"Hey Grumpy Pants," said Marie, walking into the room and grunting as she took the wings off her back. "Oh, thank god for that." She turned to Skyler, who was just behind her. "Is yours itching you?"

"No, not really."

"Oh, I guess your dress has more of a back to it."

"I think your wings have more glitter too."

"Ah..." Marie scratched her back and looked at her fingers. They were covered in sparkly purple glitter.

Skyler saw the wine. "Flynn! What are you doing?"

"S-seriously?"

"You are not making a habit of drinking!"

"Why not? Because it's against the law? Are you r-really gonna say that to me?"

"No, because it's bad for you!"

"Oh, that's so much better and… _so_ much less hypocritical."

"Alright, children, calm down," said Marie. Picking up the bottle, she poured herself a glass and sat down.

"I assume that came from your wine cabinet, Marie. He's taken that from you!"

"Oh, th-theft, Mom? That's what you're going with now?"

"Enough!" said Marie. "This is not helpful."

"Alright, well how about we have a…helpful and honest discussion," said Flynn. "Like adults." He stared at his mother.

"Hear hear," said Marie, turning to look at her too.

Skyler sat down heavily and dragged a hand over her eyes. "I can't talk about any of it. You can tell each other whatever you want. Between you you know most of it. But I can't talk about it."

"Y-you've told us things before," said Flynn. "You've…engaged with us before. All I want you to do is recognise h-how serious this is."

"I do recognise that. It's serious enough for me to be on trial for a level two felony, and I can't discuss the details of the case. I don't know why that's so difficult for you to understand!"

"Because Kim said there was no rule against it!" said Marie.

Skyler clenched her jaw and leaned forward. "I am not admitting anything to anyone. That's not about who you are, it is about me not putting any more information out than is already out there."

"It _is_ already out there," said Marie. "That's my point. All I said was is it for real or not. If you answered that question you wouldn't be giving me any additional information, you would just be showing me the respect of acknowledging my question!"

"I acknowledge your question, Marie. It's a very serious question, it's a very serious subject, and I am not doing this for me. I do not give a shit about defending myself. As far as I'm concerned, I should go to prison for nine years - I should go to prison for fifteen years, I deserve that! The only reason I am fighting for it to be knocked back to a misdemeanor is Holly! If it was up to me, there wouldn't be any trial - I would've pled guilty months ago! I am only fighting this for Holly! For Holly, I am going to keep my mouth shut and I would appreciate it if you would do the same."

"Aunt Marie a-already told the court about the blackmail. Are you…saying she shouldn't have done that? Sh-should she have lied?"

"No, of course not, you have to tell the truth in court. All I'm saying is that we should not discuss the court case outside of court!"

"Well I don't know what's happening in the court b-because you won't let me go there!"

"She can tell you. But I. Can't. Discuss. It."

"So what, y-you're afraid you might tell me something I di-didn't know already and then… when I do my testimony they'll…ask me about it and I'll turn you in? D-do you have so little faith in me?"

"No - yes, actually Flynn, you should tell the authorities if someone you know breaks the law."

"Oh, the irony."

Skyler put her head in her hands. "Look. If I tell you something by accident or imply something or give you any feeling or any impression, the Prosecutor can ask you about it. If you then tell the court the truth about it, I'm screwed. If you don't, you're screwed. If you don't, then you are an accessory after the fact. I will not do that to you."

"But it's all stuff we already know!" sad Marie. "And I've already given my testimony anyway!"

"That doesn't mean you wouldn't be obliged, if you got new knowledge about a felony, to tell the authorities. If you don't, you are compromised. And let me see, why don't I want to compromise you? For Holly!"

"I know, but I already know all the stuff already!"

Skyler banged her hand on the table. "You _don't_."

Flynn and Marie jumped. Skyler looked at them, breathing heavily. They looked back in shock.

"Wh-what do you mean?" said Flynn.

"I can't tell you what I mean. I will say it again, I don't give a shit for myself: I am doing this for Holly. If the two of you decide you don't want to speak to me anymore, that is fine. I don't understand why you're still giving me the time of day anyway. I will be out of your hair in a week, and if you don't wanna talk to me after that you don't have to, but I am fighting this for Holly, I am coming back as soon as I can _for Holly_. And if you care about her at all you will just let me do that!"


	11. Chapter 11

Flynn thought he heard it when he was going to the bathroom to brush his teeth before bed. On his way back to his new bedroom, he stopped and listened by his mother's door. That confirmed it. It didn't sound like crying exactly, more like whimpering. He stood there for a long time, then turned and went back to his room. He tossed and turned for well over an hour, trying to get to sleep and just not managing it. His mind was wide awake. At first he was thinking about the blackmail and how angry he was at his mother. His aunt had told him that Skyler had only helped his father to try and rein him in. That he would've done it with or without her so she had decided to co-operate to try and limit the damage. For one thing Flynn didn't understand why she hadn't just told him that herself, since it seemed to exonerate her. But for another thing, he didn't really think it exonerated anything, because what she should have done, he strongly believed, was just talk to Uncle Hank.

Then his thoughts turned to trying to figure out what she could possibly have meant. Had she committed other crimes no-one knew about? Had she pulled the wool over their eyes? Had she been willingly working with his dad after all? Every time he had these thoughts, every sense in Flynn's body screamed no. He was sure she wouldn't. Couldn't. Just wasn't like that as a person. But he had been sure of that about his father as well. And so it went on, so many disturbing thoughts going round and around and around.

At 1:15 am, he got up to go to the bathroom. Again, he paused at his mother's door, but all was silent. Relieved, he continued on.

When he was washing his hands, he heard it. It sounded like a scream of terror. Quickly turning off the faucet, he grabbed his crutches and started moving back along the hallway, his wet hands slipping on the handholds. There came a longer, more wailing scream, followed by long, gasping sobs.

Flynn froze in the hallway and looked around in the dark, his heart beating wildly. The sound suddenly stopped, and all he could hear was his own panicky breaths. Then he heard a long, high-pitched wail. It was the sound of pure despair.

"Mom?" said Flynn, stumbling forward and putting his hand on a door handle. Afraid to turn it, he stopped and knocked. "Mom? Are you ok?"

The sound suddenly stopped, and there was silence for what felt like a minute, but was probably only five seconds. Then he heard rustling, a soft sigh and then a louder thud. He opened the door to find his mother standing before him attempting to wipe her eyes. She looked startled, and afraid.

"I-it's alright," he said. "I...I just… can I come in?"

Skyler was trying to repress it, but her body was still shaking with sobs. She stepped from one foot to the other.

"S-stop trying to hide it, I could…hear you from the bathroom." Flynn stepped inside and closed the door.

"I'm sorry," she said.

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, sorry for crying or sorry for being a…dick last night?"

"Both."

"Don't be sorry for crying." He stepped forward and put his arms around her. "N-never be sorry for that."

Skyler let go, and sobbed into his shoulder. Flynn rubbed her back and stood silently. When she began to calm, she pulled back from him and said sorry again.

"Jeez, Mom, you s-say sorry absolutely all of the time! It's not…normal." He sat down on the bed.

Skyler remained standing, looking down at him. "You should be in bed."

He laughed. "My relationship with you now is... r-really bizarre. I'm an adult and I…help you with a lot of things and y-you need my help with a lot of things, a-and everything about you is… completely different - y-you don't speak out, u-usually you don't argue, most of the time you barely say anything at all. But then just occasionally you'll say these Mom things to me. You should be in bed. Y-you shouldn't drink…alcohol. They're just really short little things, but they're a…a journey back to another time. It's r-really bizarre."

"You don't need me anymore."

"Bullshit."

"You don't, you're a very capable young man. I'm sorry that I still tell you what to do sometimes. It's not planned, it just slips out."

"It's fine. I mean, I'll…argue with you, but it's good…for you to argue sometimes, y-you hardly ever do now."

"I'm sorry about last night."

"Wh-what did you mean? The stuff we don't know, and if the Prosecution finds out, y-you're screwed?"

Skyler shook her head. "I can't explain to you what I mean."

"Well, like, when you… When, after Uncle Hank died, w-when…you were talking to me and… Aunt Marie about it, I mean eventually, w-when we convinced you to be honest with us. W-were you? Honest?"

"Yes. I didn't lie to you then, and I'm not lying to you now."

"But you were…talking about it then. You were e-explaining to us how everything happened, a-and you were saying hey d-do you have any more questions, and then we would ask more questions and…you would answer them. Did you answer…tr-truthfully?"

Skyler nodded strongly. "Yes. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm not ... what I'm worried about if we talk about it now, when you're in possession of some information you didn't have then, and therefore you're more likely to ask me more detailed questions... what I'm worried about, and this happened today with Aunt Marie, is that if in preference to lying I simply stop talking and say I can't talk about that, I can't confirm or deny - I said that to her today and she just said, 'I assume the answer is yes, then.' I can't have you making any assumptions, I can't have you wondering anything or reading anything into my tone of voice or the look on my face, or…"

"I-I don't do that. I don't mi…mistrust you and try and read between the lines of…what you're saying. Sh-should I be doing that? Are there…hidden meanings in what you say?"

"No."

Flynn nodded. "Ok. Well on the blackmail thing, A-Aunt Marie already knew all about it, so she told me. Like…why you did it and everything. Which is a-a pretty good excuse, actually. Wh-why wouldn't you defend yourself by telling me that…yourself?"

"I really struggle with that. I struggle to think about it. I really struggle to talk about it. It was… one of the worst things I did, so."

Flynn nodded. "You know y-you should have just… talked to him?"

"Yes. I know."

"But you… you didn't want to turn Dad in."

"At that stage?" Skyler shrugged, and stopped herself from saying more. Her leg began to jiggle. "I'm really sorry for yelling."

"It's ok. Y-you're under a lot of stress."

"No shit, Sherlock." Skyler looked Flynn in the eye, and he giggled.

"I-I used to love those books," he said.

"I know."

Silence. Skyler looked down, and began fiddling with a loose thread on her pyjama pants. Her leg was still jiggling.

"I…I'm r-really gonna miss you, Mom."

Skyler looked at her son, breathing in and out slowly. "You're better off without me."

"What? H-how can you say that?"

"Because I'm a burden to you. In every way."

"No, y-you aren't!"

Skyler looked straight ahead.

"Mom! That can't be how you think!"

"You're a much better person than I am, and you put up with it incredibly well. You put up with comments from passers-by, intrusions from the media, intrusions from police, you have defended me several times from people on the street saying things, and I can only assume many other times I don't know about because you didn't even tell me because you keep things from me because you think I can't handle it, so you bear it all yourself. And then there are so many things we have to work around with Holly that I just expect your help with, and you give it because you're such a good person, and you never question it and you never complain."

"I used to complain a lot. I-I used to be an…asshole to you."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes I did, I di-didn't even try to understand you and you were…really suffering and I could've helped i-if I'd only tried to -"

"No no no no, you were a kid - every kid argues with their parents and they don't understand them because they can't - that is a normal thing teenagers do, and you should still be doing it now. You're right, our relationship now is bizarre because you should still be relying on me, and now it's the other way around. That's not the way it should be."

"I do re-rely on you. I've always…relied on you, y-you've always been there for me. Th-that's you, you're reliable, solid. I was talking to Aunt Marie about that once, and sh-she said the same thing."

"Not anymore, I'm sorry."

"N-no, if we need help or support, you give it to us. You're…always there for us. And Holly. Oh my god. Y-you do so much for Holly."

"Not for much longer."

"Yeah, you will again though. That's alright. Y-you know Holly, I… Sometimes I have to stop myself from…feeling jealous of the attention you…give her, but she needs that, I know, a-and you're just…so good at doing it, and the reason I don't f-feel jealous is that…I can remember you doing that for me. It's weird, it's really far back memories, l-like…they're really…foggy and not something... if you'd asked me about it I-I wouldn't even remember it, but I see you… do something with her and I... I just recognise it. B-but now I can see it in…context and I…can see how dedicated you are a-and how much effort you…put in to parenting. And you are damn good at it. And I think w-wow, lucky me." He smiled. "Y-you're a good person, Mom. D-don't beat yourself up and don't keep saying…sorry all the time. A-and I am…definitely not…better off without you and I-I am gonna miss you like hell. And..." Tears came to his eyes. "I… I'm just gonna miss you."

Skyler reached out a hand to stroke her son's face. She looked at him with eyes that were empty but at the same time filled with love. His tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks.

"My beautiful boy," she said.

...

When Marie got up the next day, no-one else was stirring, not even Holly. There wasn't a sound in the house.

She walked to the living room and then the kitchen, thinking to clear away the mess from the party, but she found that her sister had already done it. She stood in the kitchen, an undrunk glass of water at her lips, standing and staring.

Eventually she poured herself a bowl of cereal and blueberries, and put the coffee machine on. Then her niece appeared.

"Good morning!" she said loudly, putting on a smile.

"Good morning," said Holly. "Where's Mommy?"

"In bed. Asleep, I presume."

"Oh. It's not my birthday anymore." Holly stuck her bottom lip out.

"That's ok, you'll have another one next year. Meantime you get to enjoy all your lovely presents from yesterday! And your lovely memories. Just keep thinking back on how fun your party was!" Marie poured cereal and blueberries into another bowl and carried them both to the kitchen table. Then she walked back to the kitchen to grab the milk and to pour herself a cup of coffee.

"Can we have a party every day?" asked Holly.

"If we did that, it'd be boring. Parties are special because they only happen sometimes. Come on. Sit down and have your breakfast."

...

When Skyler got up, it was also quiet. Marie's bedroom door was closed, but she couldn't be in there at this time of day. Skyler had slept until 11, and she couldn't believe it.

Holly's bedroom door was open, and empty. Her heartbeat rising even higher than its normal level, Skyler rushed through the house to all the places they might have been, looking into the backyard and then finally the front yard, where she could clearly see that her sister's car was gone. Her son's was still there. She went to his door, which was also closed but she carefully opened it a crack. He was peacefully sleeping in the bed. She closed the door, her heart pounding.

...

Marie ripped chunk after chunk of bread, squished it down strongly into her hands, and then threw it into the pond with force, over and over again.

"You're throwing it too hard," said Holly. "You're scaring the ducks away."

Marie looked around. There were indeed no ducks anywhere near them. She looked at her niece. "Why aren't you throwing any bread in?"

"You scared the ducks away!"

"Oh. Sorry."

"Can we go back to Mommy now? Is she awake now?"

"Probably."

"Can we go back?"

...

It was silent when Flynn got up too. This was normal for him, because he always got up later than everyone else. He got himself some breakfast and ate it at the kitchen table. He heard a car pull up out front, and then after a pause he heard two doors open and close, followed by the fast and light footsteps that indicated his sister was running to the front door. "Mommy!" he heard her say. "Are you in there?" He heard jumping and banging and surmised that she was probably trying to open the front door but struggling to reach the door handle. He stood up to go and help her, but as he entered the hallway his mother swept along it from the living room at the other end. He looked at her in shock.

"Hey honey," she said softly as she swept into the front hallway and opened the door to the bouncing three-year-old. "Mommy!" Holly screamed, and Skyler lifted her into her arms.

"I didn't kn-know you were here," said Flynn.

"Where have you been, darling?" Skyler asked Holly as she carried her into the house.

"We went to the toy store and the park."

"The toy store?"

"Yeah cos one of the toys Aunt Marie got me didn't work right, so we had to change it."

"Didn't work properly. Properly is the word."

Flynn stayed where he was in the hallway as their voices faded. He was expecting his aunt to come in the door, but she didn't. He went through it to find her sitting on the hood of her car, a conflicted expression on her face. "Hey, wh-what's going on?" Flynn asked, walking across the threshold.

"Nothing. I'm just gonna go out, I-I've got a few things I need to... buy." She jumped up and open the driver's door.

"You only just got back."

"Yeah, Holly wanted to come back to see your mom, so."

"And are you avoiding…Mom?"

"Well, I…" Marie's hands flailed.

"Th-that's fair enough, but I had a…talk to her last night, she apologised and… explained everything."

"She explained everything? I seriously doubt that, her whole point was that she was explaining nothing."

"No, I mean just… I-it's ok, she's not…"

"It's alright, I just need to go shopping because I…" Marie caught herself and looked up at the sky, realising that it was a really not a good idea for her to go shopping when she was in this mood. "Actually you know what, screw that, you wanna come with me? I mean not to shopping, I mean just like we could go to the movies or the arcade or…"

"H-how old do you think I am?"

"What, you don't have to be a kid to go there! It's a fun place!"

Flynn grunted.

"Or we could just go out to lunch. Just you and me. That'd be fun."

"Just you and me c-cos you're avoiding Mom."

"So what if I am? Humour me. If I go off by myself I'll..." Marie looked down and fiddled with her keys.

"Alright." Flynn turned and walked back towards the house.

"Where are you going?"

"To tell Mom."

"You don't need to, just -"

"Yes I do, or she'll fr-freak out." He opened the door. "Mom? Aunt Marie and I are just going out for a bit. D-don't worry, it'll be fine. Mom?"

Kneeling on the floor of the living room holding a Barbie doll, Skyler had frozen.

"Mom? Alright?"

"Yeah!" She jumped up and took a step, but then heard the door close. She walked quickly to the front window, and watched the car pull away. Holly followed her holding a doll's dress. "Where are they going, Mommy?"

"Not sure."

"When are they coming back?"

Skyler placed a hand on the glass, having the incredibly selfish thought that she was glad Marie had already given her testimony. She turned around. "Come on, Holly. We're going home."

"Home? To our house?"

"Yeah."

"Do we live there now or here?"

"Um. In your case, kind of both."

"You moved a lot of boxes here. I saw you carry them. They looked really heavy."

"Yeah, that's right."

"Are you moving here, Mommy?"

"No. I have to go away, remember?"

"Oh."


	12. Chapter 12

Monday saw Bogdan Wolynetz and IRS Special Agent James Picarus take the stand. Bogdan was loud and angry and finger-pointing but didn't have very much actual information, so Prosecutor Martin soon dismissed him after Kim had done what she could to get him to contradict himself. The IRS Special Agent was a lot more damaging. Kim shifted in her seat as she listened to him, painfully aware that her research had not revealed a single bit of dirt she could use against him in her cross examination. He explained everything he knew calmly, methodically and in very great detail, firstly every single detail of how Beneke Fabricators' books had been tampered with and how Ted Beneke had eventually been convicted of this, and then a surprisingly lyrical description of the "painted and physically accentuated" woman who had "accosted all five senses" - sight, sound, touch, "potent perfume my sense of smell could not escape" and, "in Mr Beneke's case, possibly taste. I'm not saying that the two of them were sleeping together - I don't know either way and actually he looked quite embarrassed to be seen with her. But it was strongly implied by her performance, and by his reaction, that he had hired her for her looks rather than her brain.

"I fell for it hook, line and sinker," Picarus continued. "I at that time did not recommend the IRS press charges for a greater than $600,000 tax debt, because I had been convinced by Mr Beneke's obvious awkwardness, regret and embarrassment, and by Mrs White's five-star performance of a blonde bimbo, that he had hired her because he found her attractive and given her a job she wasn't qualified for. During our meeting, I asked her questions about the tax code and she told me she did not understand what I had said. She then told me that she had used Quicken, a very basic computer program intended for personal finance management and wholly unsuitable for a company that was grossing in the millions, to manage the accounts. Therefore I assumed, or at least I was conned into believing, that Beneke Fabricators' undocumented revenue to the tune of over one million dollars, and resultant underpayment of tax of $617, 226.31, was due to an honest, if very stupid, mistake."

"When did you realise that that was not the case?" asked Prosecutor Martin.

"When Skyler White popped up on the news as the accomplice of the drug lord Walter White, and it was revealed that she had been running the books of his money laundering business. At first I wasn't sure if she was the same person, because she looked so different."

"In what way?"

"Her make-up and clothing. In the meeting she had with me and Beneke, like I said, she was an affront to the senses; she was wearing very heavy make-up, high heels, short skirt, and a blouse that revealed as much skin as possible. Over the top of all of this was a lot of jewellery - bangles that were making a noise, rings, necklaces. She's not wearing any of that now, and she wasn't in any of the news reports I saw of her. If it hadn't been for her name, I would've thought she was a different person altogether. But she did have the same name, so I reopened the investigation, this time looking not only at Beneke but also at her. I found out that she was very qualified to run the books of Mr Beneke's company, and of Mr White's car wash, and that she was very intelligent, having graduated magna cum laude with a Bachelor of Accounting in 1993.

"My team then placed Mr Beneke under arrest and he was not very co-operative, but he did admit that nobody had ever used Quicken to run the accounts of Beneke Fabricators. I then took this information to the Albuquerque Police Department, and I told them everything I'm telling you, including a detailed description of Mrs White's clothing, make up, jewellery and manner of talking in her meeting with me and Mr Beneke. I told them that she hadn't looked anything like that in any of the news footage I had seen, and the officers showed me a file tape of her in interview with them, and I realised she didn't sound anything like she did in our meeting either. It was like she was an actress. She had completely changed her entire persona, just to con me."

Skyler, her forearms on her knees, chanced a look up at Marie in the public gallery. She was sitting perfectly straight, her lips pursed, her eyes wide. Skyler watched her taking in everything the IRS man said, looking completely in control but for the occasional clenching of her jaw or twitching of her eye. Then she looked down at Skyler, their eyes met, and time stood still. The younger sister, high up and righteous, her eyes deep with confusion and anger. The older sister, her head bowed, looking up guiltily like a dog that had just been found next to a pile of excrement. Looking up in fear.

...

Marie charged through the courthouse doors and out onto the street, her eyes angry and her fists clenched. She ran straight into the media huddle that had been gathering there every day of the trial, but getting smaller with each day that went past. That day, there were only three journalists and one cameraman, who magnetised towards her as soon as she came out the doors. "Fuck off!" she barked at them, and powered off down the street. After ten minutes of brisk walking, she arrived in the downtown shopping district, where she entered a clothing store, angrily grabbed a couple of dresses off a rack and walked into the changing rooms, wanting privacy more than anything else. She banged her head on the wall a few times, then moved her arms up and buried her face in them. She stood there for a long time. Her message tone went off. Pulling her phone from her bag, she found a text from Skyler. _I'm sorry_, it said.

Marie sat on the small chair in the changing room, bit the knuckles of her left hand and screamed. She stayed there for a while and then, when her breathing slowed, she tried on the dresses. One was too small, and made her even more frustrated, grunting, swinging her arms around and almost ripping it as she struggled to get it off again. The other dress was quite nice. She stuffed it inside her handbag, returned the other dress to the rack and powered out of the store.

...

Flynn arrived home - yes for some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on he did still consider his mother's tiny apartment home - at 8pm after spending four hours in the university library working on a paper. He found his sister sitting on the floor in front of the television, which was tuned to a kids' channel, and his mother lying on the sofa behind her hugging a cushion. Her legs were curled up, so there was plenty of room for him to sit beside her. She said hello to him very softly, and Holly came to sit on his lap.

Flynn looked between them. Holly seemed engaged by the television. Their mother seemed to be watching it too, but her eyes didn't look right. They were unfocused and unblinking, and she looked more like she was looking at the floor below the television than at the television itself.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

Skyler breathed in and out. "I'm never ok," she said slowly. "I cannot think of a single time in the last three years when I have been ok."

Flynn swallowed, then put his hand on her arm and rubbed it. Holly yawned and leaned back into his chest.

"Did you talk to Aunt Marie?" he asked.

"No."

"Well, I did, but…I think it has to come from you. J-just apologise, it'll be ok."

"No it won't."

She still hadn't even looked at him. He rubbed her arm again. "We're family. We've got you."

"There's no point, Flynn, I… you shouldn't even try and be nice to me tonight because you're gonna read the newspapers tomorrow, and the scales will fall from your eyes. Just like they did with your father."

Flynn looked at her with dark, hurting eyes. She didn't look back. Holly looked at the television and her eyelids begin to fall. Flynn looked at the television and then back at his mother again. "Shouldn't Holly be in bed?" he said.

"What time is it?"

"After 8."

"Oh. I lost track of time. Holly?" She sat up, her demeanour changing completely as she addressed her youngest child. "Hey, honey. It's past your bedtime." She rubbed her back. "Oh, you're sleepy." She picked the child up and carried her to the bathroom.

Flynn sat slouching on the sofa as a Disney princess danced across the television screen. He looked at it but didn't see it. There were too many thoughts and fears pounding around his head. When his mother and sister emerged from the bathroom he was shaken from his reverie briefly, and he picked up the remote and began scrolling through the channels. The speed with which he pushed the button increased until the picture was flicking through four channels a second, Flynn seeing none of them. It built to a crescendo until he angrily turned the TV off and sat there in silence.

Time passed. He checked his phone. No messages. The large digits on the home screen said 21:02. He looked up. Surely his sister must be asleep by now. Where was his mom? Standing, he began to slowly climb the stairs. Her bedroom door was closed, but there was light underneath it. He stood on the landing looking at it for a moment, then knocked. There was no reply, but he entered anyway.

She was lying on the bed in the same position she had been on the sofa, hugging a pillow.

"I think you should talk to Aunt Marie," he said. "If…something bad came out in court today then sh-she's gonna be unhappy. And she was already m-mad at you, so… it'll get worse if you don't explain it."

"I saw the look in her eyes," Skyler said. "She's never gonna speak to me again." She pulled her knees closer and hugged the pillow tighter.

"Well wh-what you said the other night was that you were…trying to fight the court case a-as hard as you can for…Holly's sake. From what I've heard, Aunt Marie's testimony was qu-quite favourable to you. You don't want her to…retract it."

"When I was working for Beneke Fabricators. This was before I knew what your father was doing, I went back to work there because I thought we needed the money. And because I was in charge of the accounts, I found out that Ted Beneke had been deliberately hiding a lot of the incoming revenue so that he wouldn't have to pay tax on it. And I asked him about it and he said that the company was struggling, and that if he didn't do this it would go bankrupt. He said he didn't want his father's work to be for nothing, and he didn't want all of his employees to become unemployed and not be able to pay their mortgages. I believed him. So I signed off on it. I even helped to make it so that the tax fraud wasn't so obvious. And I signed the books and sent them to the IRS. And about six months later, right after we'd bought the car wash, which I was obviously very significantly meddling with the accounts of, Ted came to see me and he told me that the IRS were investigating him. They'd discovered the undocumented revenue, and he was required to attend a meeting with them the very next day. Which he'd known about for ages but he was only just telling me now. And what he didn't seem to understand was that he'd compromised me as well as himself. He didn't know that I was laundering the profits of an illegal meth operation through my car wash, so he just kept saying, 'You'll be fine, they just want me,' and he hadn't taken any action on it - he hadn't even got legal advice. So I dressed myself up in the sluttiest clothes I could find, and I went into that meeting and I put on an act. I talked like I was some stupid blonde bimbo who didn't have a clue how to do accounts, and strongly implied that Ted had only hired me for my looks. And I told the IRS agent that I'd been using Quicken to do the accounts, and generally acted like I didn't have a clue about the tax code or how to report revenue or anything like that. It was an act. It was a good one, the guy believed it and they stopped investigating Ted.

"That guy came in to court today. The IRS agent. Told the court all about it. How I am a very effective liar and con artist. Which is also of course how I got you all to believe that Walt was gambling and counting cards. It was bullshit, but it was my lie, I came up with it. I rehearsed it. I made him go through it with me with bullet points."

"Wh-why are you telling me this?"

"I don't know. Your aunt knows it and she's never gonna talk to me ever again because of it, and you have a right to be on the same page as her and to do the same thing."

"Where was Dad wh-when all this was happening?"

"Working with Gus Fring."

"I thought you said you w-weren't gonna talk about the court case because if you l-let something slip or whatever, th-then we would be obliged to…tell the court and then you might go…to prison for longer."

"Yeah well I deserve it anyway so it doesn't matter."

"What about Holly?"

"The more I think about that the more I think that she is going to go through this huge upheaval now, when her home and her primary caregiver suddenly changes, and you can tell she's really confused about it and she's hurting and that's only gonna get worse. From now. But then it'll get better. She'll get used to it and it'll get better. And she'll be happy with Marie, I mean they get on well together and she's really good with her. So then say I spend five years in prison - I mean that's nowhere near the maximum sentence, so assuming things go alright for me and I only get five years - so five years from now she's eight years old and she's used to living with her aunt and she's happy and well-adjusted and everything. Am I supposed to put her through that again at that point? Switch it all around on her, make her come back and live with me when she will hardly know me!"

"Y-yes she will."

Skyler shook her head. "Five years is a long time in a child's life. Can you remember things that happened before you were three?"

"N-no, but…she'll visit you and talk to you…on the phone."

"I'm supposed to let my three-year-old into a prison? Why would I do that? They probably don't even let the prisoners touch the visitors - am I supposed to sit on the other side of a table or, worse, on the other side of one of those glass walls with little phone handsets you have to talk through, and, what, just look at her? A child that age needs to be held! If I am there but separated, disconnected, not even reaching out for her…" Skyler's voice broke. "She won't understand why. What's that gonna do to her psychology - she'll think I'm rejecting her!"

Flynn swallowed. "But we'll explain it to her."

"Psychology doesn't work like that. I've read a bunch of books on it, it's not… what you say to a child has nothing to do with it, it's what they feel. That's why I keep saying to her, 'I don't know if you can visit me,' or how often or whatever because I don't think I should let her come at all. I'm meant to protect her! Why would I let her go to a prison?"

"I… I think she needs you either way, though, it... It just, she just ... y-you can't pull out of her life now. She's had you for three years, it…doesn't matter that she won't remember what actually happened in those three years, sh-she'll remember the feelings! She adores you!"

"Yeah and I'm just gonna be ripped away from her, and then when she's eight I'll rip her aunt away from her instead."

"Wh-why do you think you'll get five years? The thing with Ted…Beneke, h-he was the one doing the wrong thing a-and he told you people would lose their jobs if you didn't…go along with it. He played on your kind heart and your…loyalty to others, and he made you go along with it. That's what…Dad did too. Uncle Hank w-would've lost his job and we would've lost our-our house... and our family would be…split in half a-and in a lot of pain if you didn't go along with it. That's what he made you believe. A-and it was true…except for the family split in half bit."

"That's the bit that's coming true now."

Flynn took his phone out of his pocket and begin dialling.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling Aunt Marie. Y-you two need to talk."

"She won't want anything to do with me now."

"This is about Holly's w-welfare. We need to…all talk about it and decide what's best to do. Hey, Aunt Marie, can you come over?"

...

Marie walked slowly up the path to the terrace apartments, her jaw clenched and her fists tight. The downstairs light in number 60 was on, and she could see two people moving around inside. They were arguing. "Holly needs you and so do I!" she heard her nephew yell. She knocked on the door.

The door was opened quickly by Flynn. "Thanks for coming," he said, stepping aside to let her in. "Sh-she's really not ok, she's talking about giving…Holly up!"

Marie looked at her sister, her hands flexing. Skyler looked back, her head bowed slightly, the same guilty dog look on her face.

"Were you working with Walt?" Marie asked.

Skyler took a shaky breath. "Yes. I was in charge of the money. He would've been caught a lot sooner if I hadn't. He was just buying things lavishly - he bought you a Challenger!" She looked at Flynn. "An unemployed school teacher doesn't buy his fifteen-year-old son a brand new car! I sent it back because if the IRS or the police had found out about that, they would've found out about everything. I kept his unthinking fiscal excesses in check so we wouldn't get caught. I found the car wash business and I bought it. And I ran it."

"You conned an immigrant man into selling it to you!"

"Yep." Skyler nodded. "Yes I did."

"But Dad put you in that situation!" said Flynn.

"Yes he did, and I hate him for it. But he would've got caught a lot sooner if it wasn't for me."

"Y-you do this thing, Mom, where you get it…into your head that you…have to do something, th-that it's the best thing that will help our family, and you don't talk…to anyone about it, y-you just get these ideas in your head and…r-roll with it and…end up making really stupid decisions and…d-digging yourself into a bigger and bigger hole! When if you'd just…been honest with us and l-let us help you with the decisions, l-let us have ideas too, because with something…this big you can't possibly figure out what to do on your own! Th-that's why I called Aunt Marie over here, so w-we can have three brains working on this problem i-instead of one."

His mother and aunt gave no indication that they had heard him, continuing to stare each other down and breathe in strangled gasps. "When did you find out?" spat Marie. "And when did you start working with him?"

"I found out when Gretchen Schwartz told me they hadn't given him a dime for the cancer treatment. I thought he was dealing marijuana. I kicked him out of the house. When I went round to serve him with divorce papers, he told me that he was actually making methamphetamine. I started working with him after Hank got shot. I wanted to help you with the money for Hank's treatment and I wanted the money to be clean. I also didn't want Walt to get caught, because that would split our family in two and cause Hank to lose his job and us to lose our house. And Walt to die in prison and Flynn to lose his innocence." Her voice broke. "No-one else seemed to be capable of cleaning Walt's money, so I did it."

"That's what you told me before."

"Yeah. I told you the truth before. Now you find out all the extra details, like that I'm actually a con artist, and it all sounds a lot worse, right? The truth can be manipulated. I didn't tell you any lies, but I left a lot of stuff out. It was like that with Walt and me too; I thought I knew, I thought I'd figured it out and he told me one or two things, like not very much but one or two. And I thought I knew what was happening. And then I find out later that h-he's also killing people! And that he's become this really frightening man who…" Skyler gasped, and coughed. "He let me think I knew the truth, while leaving all the really bad bits out so that I would go along for the ride. And I've been doing the same to you. I'm manipulative same as him. I didn't want you to know the full truth because I needed your help. I needed your help with Holly, I needed you to help me pay rent and pay our medical expenses and I needed what remains of our family to be together, so that there could be a seamless transition period. For the kids. And I didn't want Flynn to have to be dealing with the two of us fighting. But that's all over now. Both of them are now fully transitioned to being with you instead of me. I don't need you anymore. And you never needed me, in fact all I caused you is pain, so if you wanna step out of my life now, and if you wanna change your testimony so that I spend longer in prison, that's fine."

"N-no, Mom, Holly needs you!"

"No, she's better off without me. You want to disrupt her life again five years from now, switch her around again, put her in a different house with a different parent?"

"W-why do you think you're gonna get five years?" whimpered Flynn.

"Because I deserve it. Because I'm guilty."

"But nothing has changed," said Marie. "So it turns out that you were very dishonest and manipulative when you bought the business, well we already knew that, you conned us with the gambling story! Flynn's right, you get into your head that something is the right thing to do, you don't seek any input from anybody else, you commit yourself to it fully leaving no stone unturned…. But the other thing you do is change your mind and completely switch sides on things! When you found out what Walt was doing, you kicked him out of the house and served him with divorce papers. You wouldn't speak to him, you wouldn't speak to me about it and you didn't even want him to see the kids! And then suddenly you switch sides and jump so far over to his side that you're working with him! And you've just done the same thing again - the other night you were arguing black and blue with us that you weren't gonna discuss anything about the case, that you were gonna fight it strongly so you could get the shortest sentence possible so that you could come back home to Holly! Now you're deliberately jeopardising the case by telling us all sorts of things we'll be obliged to pass on, and telling me to keep her! I mean God, your decision-making process is a goddamn boomerang!"

"Wh-what did you mean about..." Flynn swallowed. "What did you mean when…y-you said that Dad was…frightening?"

Skyler's eyes snapped shut, and she winced. "Forget I said that."

"N-no."

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did."

"I'm sorry." Skyler winced again. Flynn realised she was trembling.

"He made you do it."

"I ch...chose the car wash and it was my, it was my idea, the car wash was my idea. And the gambling story was my idea."

"What you said j-just now was that he…pulled you along for a r-ride, and then later you found out that he…was killing people, a-and you were frightened."

"So what? I mean not so what that… I mean…" Skyler winced again, and her entire body shuddered.

"You said that before as well," said Marie. "That by the time you found out what was really going on, it was too late for you to do anything about it because you were too deeply involved."

"I... I should have just talked to Hank when he asked me, I…." Skyler's body shuddered again, and she gasped.

"Mom, are you alright?" Flynn step towards her. "Wh-what's going on?"

Skyler's body was shaking violently. He took hold of her hand, and then she began to fall. Marie quickly stepped forward and caught her. Holding her close, Marie awkwardly manoeuvred the two of them onto the sofa. Skyler's teeth were now chattering also, making it difficult for her to speak, but she seemed to be saying, "I should have talked to him" over and over.

Flynn fell to his knees in front of them, still gripping his mother's hand. He looked at his aunt with fear in his eyes. "What's going on?"

"Panic attack, I think," she replied. "Come here. It's ok." She pulled her sister close and rubbed her back. "Just breathe, remember. In and out. In and out."

"I should have just talked to him." Skyler whimpered. "He'd still be alive if I'd talked to him."

"Shhh shhh shhh, it's ok."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. You say that to me _all_ the time. Forgive yourself."

Skyler's body began shaking in a different way, this time with sobs. Looking to her right, Marie saw the look of horror on Flynn's face and she reached out her hand. She stroked his hair and pulled him closer. He started crying too, and this made Skyler sob harder.

Marie pulled out her phone and begin dialling Kim Wexler. "Hi, Kim, it's Marie Schrader," she said. "I'm sorry to call you so late. Listen, Skyler is really not well, is there any way we can get some kind of medical pass to give her a time out tomorrow?"

"Oh," said Kim. "Ah, what's wrong with her?"

"Not quite sure, it's either a panic attack or a trauma trigger or both, but she's shuddering and shaking and she's really not well."

"Ok, sure, well I can apply to the judge in the morning. She'd need a medical certificate."

"Oh don't worry, this time I am definitely taking her to a doctor."

"Ok, well let me know what time the appointment will be, so I can tell the judge when to expect a medical certificate."

"Sure. I'll let you know when I phone them in the morning."

"I can't make any promises on this. But I'll try."

"Thank you."

"Is Skyler there? Can I talk to her?"

"She's not capable of talking right now."

"Ok. Jeez, I'm sorry."

"Thank you, Kim, you're doing a really good job."

"Sure. We'll talk tomorrow morning."

"Ok, thanks." Marie hung up her phone and sat it on the arm of the sofa.

"You're both better off without me." Skyler whimpered. "You all are."

"N-no we're-we're not," Flynn said in a shaky voice.

"I'm so sorry."

"Stop it," said Marie. She pushed her sister's body back from her just slightly and placed her hand on her chest, just over her heart. "Skyler, you - Jesus, your heart is beating fast!" Marie sighed, and looked her in the eye. "You have a good heart. You're a good person. You did some astronomically stupid things. You did some wrong things. But you're a good person and we, all three of us, feel better if we have you in our lives. You are not getting rid of Holly, I will not allow that to happen. My god your heart is beating fast! I'm gonna ask the doctor about that as well!"

"It's just the anxiety, it... it's normal."

"That is not normal. Now you are actually coming to the doctor with me this time, right? The court demands a medical certificate."

"I can go to court, I'll be ok."

"You are not ok and this is not a choice, this is a demand. I am taking you to the doctor tomorrow."

"Yeah, y-you have to go to the doctor, Mom," said Flynn. "Th-that was really scary, you just started shaking and…then you collapsed."

Skyler closed her eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"Stop it."


	13. Chapter 13

At 10 o'clock the next day, Marie and Skyler sat in the waiting room of Skyler's doctor's office. Skyler was hunched forward in the chair. Marie was flicking through the magazines and tapping her foot. She finally threw the last magazine down and leaned back. "I've read all these. How hard is it for them to get the latest editions?"

Skyler didn't respond. Marie looked around the office, and then back at her. She put her hands on her knees, and sighed. "Do you remember when Hank and I had the kids and you were visiting one night, and you had Holly on your lap and we were talking. You were upset, and you said you didn't know what to do because every decision you made was wrong."

Skyler met Marie's eyes. "That was absolutely true."

"Yeah. You were right on with that one."

"Yeah."

"And then you said, 'There are things you don't know about, that if you knew, you would never talk to me again.' Do you remember that?"

Skyler nodded.

"And then I said, 'Try me.'" Marie smiled.

Skyler tried to smile too. She patted her sister's knee. "I don't deserve you."

"No, you do. I mean, I'm not always nice about it, I yell at you quite a lot and I always have. You used to yell at me too, and that was the only thing that I thought was good about what happened over the last few days was that you finally seemed to have some kind of passion back in your voice, and you were finally arguing about something."

"I don't know what's going on in my head, it's just a mess."

"Been going on for a while, right?"

Skyler nodded.

"Look I don't know how much they can achieve today, and I imagine whatever mental health care is provided in prison, if anything, is pretty substandard. So I'll look into finding a therapist to visit you in there."

"No, that's not -"

"You remember when Holly used to shout and scream and her little legs would be jiggling everywhere. And then she'd descend into this heavy sobbing wailing. That's what you were doing last night. It's a trauma reaction."

A grey-haired doctor appeared at the edge of the waiting room. "Skyler White?" she said. Everyone else in the waiting room turned and looked.

...

The medical certificate gave Skyler two days' recuperation time. She spent almost the entire time lying on her bed hugging a pillow and staring at the wall. On one of the afternoons she fell asleep, and Holly wandered in and found her. She brought in one of her teddies and placed it in Skyler's arms.

On Thursday, Mariano from the car wash and Huell Babineaux testified, and then a forensic accounting expert went into great detail on exactly how Skyler had layered the illegal profits of Walt's methamphetamine business through the books of A1A Car Wash. This was the final Prosecution witness, and on Friday morning it was on to the Defence. Flynn was first to be called. He stepped into the witness box, looked around and cleared his throat nervously.

He was lead through his oath to tell the truth, and then Kim stood and stepped towards him. "Can you state your full name for the court, please?"

"Flynn Henry Lambert."

"And you legally changed your name in February this year, is that correct?"

"Y-yes."

"Can you please state your former name for the record?"

"W-Walter Hartwell White Junior."

"And the defendant is your mother?"

"Yes."

"What's she like as a person?"

"Sh-she's really kind and caring. And she rarely takes…anything for herself but she does a-a lot for other people. She won't accept help herself, l-like if you try to offer her help, she will argue a lot. But usually y-you won't even notice that she needs help be-because…she just hides it. Anything she's suffering, sh-she just hides it. And she just focuses on other people all the time and…o-on what she can do to make life…easier for them, but not for herself."

"What was her relationship like with your father?"

"Well, Dad was quite a self-centred person. So since M-Mom does things for others…all the time, h-he used to benefit from that quite a bit a-and not give her…much back."

"Are you saying that he took advantage of her?"

"Yeah. N-not with everything, but…there were a lot of things that he would…just expect her to do, a-and she would just do them and not…question him."

"Did they fight?"

"Yeah, but I didn't see it. They kept that hidden from me. But I knew that she was…really upset with him for a…long time and I…didn't know why. When I l-look back, I can see that she was so…unhappy and so…so scared for so long, but sh-she never tells you things. She never wants to worry other people with her…problems, s-so she just keeps it to herself. So she never told me anything. Meantime Dad was just being n-nice to me all the time and just m-manipulating me into enjoying spending time with him without her. So when-when they were fighting, h-he would manipulate me into taking his side. It took me a long time to realise that h-he was always in control, not her."

"Did you ever hear your father say harsh words to her?"

"No, he didn't work like that. If he wanted…you to do something h-he would just manipulate you. He would tell you things th-that he thought you wanted to hear, and he was usually right, because he was really smart s-so he could figure out exactly what to say to people to…make them do what he wanted. He used to…do it to me as well, a-and I didn't even realise it was happening. Later, wh-when I found out what he really was and I looked back, I could see it, but when it…was happening, I couldn't see it."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Y-yeah, ok, one example is that w-when my Uncle Hank and Aunt Marie found out about Dad and wh-what he was doing, they wanted to tell me, be-because they thought I had a r-right to know and they…thought I could help them…r-rescue Mom and Holly. A-anyway, they wanted to tell me what was happening, s-so Aunt Marie called and asked…me to go over there, to their house, b-but Dad was home when she called, and h-he wasn't even in the living room, he was back in the bedroom or the bathroom, I wasn't even with him or talking to him at the time, b-but I knew he was home so I just…I just called out to him to t-tell him I was going to Uncle Hank and Aunt Marie's. And he rushed out of wh-wherever he was in the house, I re-remember him rushing down…the hallway, and I was at the door and I had…the door open, I was leaving, a-and he grabbed me and pulled me back inside – not in a mean way or a v-violent way, cos like I said, he didn't operate like that, but he was just l-like, 'Hey, son, I n-need to tell you something, come back inside.' So I went back inside, and he s-sat me down in the living room and he told me…that his cancer was back. H-he said that he'd had a scan, and his cancer was back and he was…back on chemotherapy. Now, my dad was a very closed off…h-hard walled sort of person. He-he did not like talking about himself…at all, and particularly with the cancer, h-he really hated that it made him…appear weak, and…h-he was just a really strong closed off person and he never liked talking about himself, especially never…never about his feelings or his...w-weaknesses or anything…like that. And when he first got…cancer, h-he never even told us for…a month. A whole month he…kept that from us. He didn't want us to know. And then wh-when we did know, a-and we would, like…ask him about his s-scans or treatment or whatever, he never wanted to talk about it. H-he just…he just hated talking about himself, and h-he never wanted to seem weak or like that.

"Except that one time. Th-that one time, when I had already said, 'I-I'm going to Uncle Hank and Aunt…Marie's,' and I was…already…ha-halfway out the front door, th-that one time he pulled me back into the house and he…told me that his cancer was back and he was b-back on…chemotherapy."

Skyler closed her eyes and put her hand over her mouth. She hadn't known about this. When she'd asked Walt how he'd stopped Flynn from going to Hank and Marie's house, he hadn't answered her. Skyler shook her head as she swallowed this new hurt. She leaned her arms onto her knees and looked up at her son.

"So you're saying that that was completely out of character for him," said Kim, "To talk about something personal that exposed his own weakness?"

"Yeah. Th-that was completely out of character."

"Why did he say it?"

"To stop me from going to Uncle Hank and Aunt Marie's. He-he knew that they knew and that they would…tell me…about him if I went there. S-so he told me about his cancer because he knew…th-that it would upset me."

"He said it to upset you?"

"Yeah, t-to make me concerned…for him. H-he knew that…if he told me about the cancer, I would be worried and I would want to…stay with him. Because when someone tells you something they…are suffering, y-you…you don't want to leave them alone right then, when someone has just told you something…"

"Something that made him vulnerable."

"Y-yeah, y-you don't…when someone has just told you that they're…vulnerable, y-you don't want to leave the house just then. And M-Mom wasn't home then, m-my mom and my sister were out, s-so it was just me and Dad in the house, so…h-he told me that to make me feel…like I had to stay there and take care of him. Which is the opposite of what Dad would normally want you to do!"

"So you're saying that Walter White, in contrast to his normal character, made himself appear vulnerable to you in order to manipulate you into not going to your aunt and uncle's house, where he believed you would be told the truth about his criminal activity."

"Y-yeah. That's what I'm saying."

"Did it upset you?"

"Yeah. It upset me, I was…really worried about him. That's why he said it, he wanted to upset me so…e-everything else would be pushed from my…mind, and so I would do wh-whatever he…wanted. He upset me so that I would do what…he wanted. A-and I think he did that with…Mom all the time, sh-she was really worried about him because she really loved him, and he was able to use that a-and manipulate…her into doing all sorts of things…for him, in just…just the same way."

"So would you say that he was a man who had an ability to manipulate the truth?"

"Oh yeah. Yeah. That's how he got-got away with it for so long as well. H-he would manipulate the…truth and manipulate…people. Especially the people closest to him, wh-which was me and…Mom."

"When did you realise that that was what he was doing?"

"N-not until after he left. When I found out…how much he'd been hiding from me, a-and that he was a violent criminal. And when I found out what he'd been doing to Mom. Then, wh-when I looked back on it, I realised that sometimes he…did it to me as well. J-just by saying something really simple, b-but it's designed to make you act the way he wants you to act."

Kim nodded, looked at her notes, and paused. "So how did you find out that your father was a criminal?"

"We were at the car wash one day when I was s-sixteen. Mom was actually teaching me to work at…the car wash. And Aunt Marie came in and sh-she and Mom went into the office and sh-she told Mom that Uncle Hank had arrested Dad. Then… they called me into the office and Mom told me. And she was crying, a-and I was angry and confused and I…didn't take it…very well, and I got a-angry at Mom at first, but…"

"Are you angry at her now?"

"No, not-not at all. At first I was shocked and…upset, and I g-got angry because it was kind of like a shoot the m-messenger kind of thing. Plus sh-she was there in the car wash and she…told me that Dad had…bought the car wash with the drug money, s-so at first it looked to me like it was…both of them…doing it. S-so I got angry at her. But then when-when we got home and…he was there, it became clear that sh-she was not in control of anything, that he was…making her do it and she was just…trying to keep me and my sister safe and j-just trying to keep…her head above water while he w-walked all over her."

"I'd like you to tell the court all about what happened that day, but first I'd like you to confirm the date."

"Sure, i-it was March 13th, 2010. The day that…Uncle Hank died."

"And you came home from the car wash with your mother and sister to find that your father was already there?"

"Yeah, despite the fact that he had s-supposedly just been arrested by Uncle Hank, th-there he was, free and…walking around our house. I didn't realise what that meant…at first."

"So starting from the beginning, what did you see when you pulled into the driveway of your home?"

"There was a big old truck there with a black…barrel and a-a couple other things on the tray. And as we pulled in, D-Dad came out of the house with some bags, like suitcases, a-and he put them on the tray of the truck. I jumped r-right out of the car and I wanted to talk to him, because I couldn't…really believe it yet, wh-what Mom and Aunt Marie had told me about him, s-so I wanted to ask him about it. I did ask him, but he didn't say anything, h-he just kind of waved me off and said that w-we all had to…go inside. So I followed him inside, and I was still trying to ask him questions, and he was still ignoring me. He wouldn't answer…any of my questions and he-he was just brushing me off and…telling me I had to go to my…room and pack my things b-because he said we had to leave. And I was just starting to ask him…why that was when Mom came in - sh-she was a little bit…behind us because she h-had to get Holly out of the baby seat in the car. H-Holly was only 18 months old then. So Mom came…into the…living room and sh-she said to Dad, 'W-where is Hank?' And he wouldn't answer…that question either. And she asked him m-multiple times and h-he still wouldn't tell her, and I still hadn't figured it out…yet but I could tell from the tone of Mom's voice that…something was really wrong. Then sh-she said to Dad, 'Did you kill him?' And that was the first I knew of that. M-Mom had figured out that because Uncle Hank had arrested Dad but Dad was n-now in our house, and he was not under a-arrest at the DEA, that Uncle Hank must be dead, a-and she was asking Dad if he had killed him because she…knew that he was…violent enough to d-do that. Dad j-just kept saying that we all had to leave and… I was still trying to ask him questions and…he yelled at me and said, 'Y-you have to go and get your things from your room!' And he l-lead me along the hallway to my bedroom b-but I didn't wanna…go and pack my things be-because I didn't wanna…go anywhere, so I followed him back towards the kitchen, and when we got there, Mom s-stepped out of the kitchen and she s-stepped in between me and Dad. And she held her hand up…to me, like she was holding me back, t-to protect me. And I realised that she w-was holding a knife in her other hand, and she w-was doing that because there was…no other way to make Dad listen. Sh-she held it up, a-and she said to him, 'Get out. G-get away from us.' Sh-she'd actually been wanting him to do that for months and m-months before that, and he'd refused. And finally things had gone catastrophic because she r-realised that Uncle Hank was dead and…Dad was trying to run away from the law, and he wanted to take us with him but we didn't…wanna go. H-he was charging around the house telling…us what to do and n-not listening to anything we were saying. So she pulled a knife out of the kitchen be-because she thought that was the only way to make him s-stop and listen. And she told him to get out."

Flynn swallowed, and looked over at his mother, who was hunched forward in the dock looking down.

"What happened next?"

"What happened next was…" Flynn cleared his throat. "Dad attacked her. He l-lunged forward and grabbed her arm, and then he grabbed-grabbed hold of her entire body, and the two of them were k-kind of stumbling and teetering, and sh-she was…s-screaming. And then he threw her…to the ground and jumped on…top of her, and at some point he got the knife, I don't know at what point th-that happened but I saw them…on the ground, h-he was kneeling on top of her and he had one hand on her chest j-just below her neck, j-just here -"

He showed the jury where by putting his own hand just below his neck.

"H-he was…pushing her into the ground with one hand, and in the other…hand he-he had the knife. He was…d-down on the ground with her, but he was…pushing her down so she couldn't move, and then he k-kind of righted himself on top of her and he moved his body up, and he was…pushing her into the ground with…one hand, and holding the…knife in the other hand. I jumped…in at that point, be-because the two of them had kind of separated s-slightly, I was able to throw myself at him and kn-knock him off her. A-and I…"

Flynn looked over at his mother, who was now hunched over even further, her face buried in her shaking hands. He swallowed. "I walk with crutches s-so it wasn't easy for me to do that, I couldn't gr-grab hold of him or do…anything really to…defend Mom, but I just p-put my body in front of her and we were both…crouching on the ground, and he stood up and stood over us…with the knife. And I pulled my phone out of my pocket and c-called 911. Mom, are you ok?"

Kim's head whipped around and she looked at Skyler, who was curled up in the dock shaking, her arms wrapped around her head. "Your Honour," said Kim, "Can we have a brief adjournment?"

"Mom!" Flynn's crutches banged against the partition of the witness box as he stumbled out of it and across the floor.

"We will adjourn for fifteen minutes, everyone clear the court please!" said the judge.

There was much scraping and murmuring as everyone began to get up and move out of the courtroom. A security guard stepped towards Marie, beginning to clear everyone out of the public gallery. Flynn arrived at the dock and wrestled to get the door open. "How does this open?" he yelled at the clerk of the court, who stepped forward and unlocked the door. Skyler was now curled up on the floor. Flynn leapt to the ground beside her and swept her into his arms. "Hey hey hey," he said. "It's ok." His own heartbeat was through the roof, his palms were sweating and he felt a tingling feeling all over his body. "It's ok," he said, rubbing his mother's back. "It's ok."


	14. Chapter 14

Judge Stephens retired to her chamber across the hall and rubbed her fingers across her mouth. The clerk of the court appeared behind her. "Kevin, can you have Ms Wexler come in here please?"

Kevin disappeared, and the judge sat down heavily behind the desk. The door opened and Kevin reappeared with Kim.

"Ms Wexler, do you know if your client has had any psychological treatment, now or in the past?"

"I don't know for sure, ma'am, but I don't believe so. She certainly hasn't had any counselling or treatment since everything that happened with her husband."

The judge nodded. "Your medical certificate from the other day recommended psychiatric assessment. I'm gonna order that. Kevin, we'll adjourn for the rest of the day; you can dismiss everyone else but keep the defendant here, I want you to get me a psychiatrist _today_."

"I-I'll do my best, Judge Stephens."

"Thank you."

The clerk scuttled out of the room.

"Ms Wexler, before this trial began, we were aware that your client was suffering any mental health symptoms like post-traumatic stress, or…?"

"Well it makes sense that she would be suffering from trauma, as is quite common in cases, especially ones of this magnitude."

Judge Stephens nodded.

"But nothing I saw or was told about, no."

"And in your dealings with her, has she been lucid? Calm?"

"Yes."

"Alright." Judge Stephens rubbed her hand across her forehead. "We'll see what the shrink says."

...

The psych assessment took more than two hours. Skyler sat meekly in a chair and answered the psychiatrist's questions. They made her feel even worse. As he was finishing up, she asked him in a weak voice, "What do you think is wrong with me?"

"I think the anxiety and depression are based on external rather than internal factors. The problem, though, is that your situation is ongoing, so while under normal circumstances I might say that once the external factors disappeared the anxiety and depression would reduce, when it's been ongoing for this long, that becomes less likely. The hormones that cause them to come on become a permanent fixture of the brain which require pharmaceutical and psychological treatment. Today was a trauma reaction due to post traumatic stress. You've heard of PTSD?"

"Yeah."

"From what you've described of flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, they are definitely post-traumatic stress induced; now whether you have post-traumatic stress disorder or not would require further assessment. I will say that without treatment, these sort of things only get worse. But with treatment, they're better. I highly recommend you seek ongoing therapy as soon as you're able."

"Well I'm going to prison, so."

"You don't have much hope of a positive outcome to the trial, then. That'll definitely contribute to your anxiety. Likewise, lack of hope contributes to depression. But if you do end up there, a lot of prisoners have mental health complaints. They do provide a minimum level of care in there - it's pretty basic, but I highly recommend that you engage with whatever they have. Based on the length of time that you've been having these symptoms, I can say for certain that they will not go away on their own."

Skyler nodded, looking frightened but defeated. "Thank you," she said. He left the room and she remained seated, unmoving, staring straight ahead. The door opened again five minutes later and she didn't react. "Mrs White?" said a voice. Twice.

"You're free to go, Mrs White."

Finally, Skyler turned and regarded Kevin, the clerk of the court. "You're free to go," he repeated. "Your case will resume on Monday morning."

Skyler slowly stood, turned and walked past the clerk and out into the corridor. She walked slowly, focusing on her breathing and the movement of her feet. One in front of the other. One in front of the other. She stared at the large window of the lobby at the end of the corridor, and the pot plant that sat in front of it. She watched it getting bigger.

Arriving in the lobby, she turned and walked towards the entrance. She didn't notice the two people sitting in the chairs by the door until they began to move. Flynn stood up, and the movement that attracted her attention was the afternoon sun reflecting off his crutches. She stopped and turned towards him, regarding him with weariness and a touch of embarrassment. Marie stumbled to her feet behind him. "Are you ok?" he asked.

Skyler didn't answer.

Handing his right crutch to Marie, Flynn stepped forward and put his right arm around his mother's shoulders. "Come on," he said. "L-let's go home."

...

"Flynn, hi," said Kim, leaning back on an airport chair and putting her feet up on the low window ledge that looked down on the runway of Albuquerque Sunport. "How are you doing?"

"I'm alright."

"I'd like you to continue on Monday morning if that's ok."

"Y-yeah, but is there any way you can make it so that…M-Mom doesn't have to listen?"

"That's what I'm phoning to tell you. The psychiatrist recommended that, and I have had a very long and eventful afternoon with Judge Stephens, Prosecutor Martin and all of their hangers-on, and got that sorted. She will be permitted to leave the room while you complete your testimony. One thing I do have flagged to play, which would have to be done with you in the room because you would have to testify that it was yourself and describe what was happening, is the recording of your 911 call. The psychiatric assessment confirmed that that's definitely not something Skyler should hear, so."

"Good."

"What about you though, are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"It's something that was traumatic for both of you, so…"

"Y-yeah, but I saw a…counsellor afterwards and she didn't. I c-complained about it at the time, I was in high school and I…didn't want to have to be called out of class to go to a c-counsellor, but I'm glad now."

"Good. I do usually recommend to all my witnesses, particularly in a complex and traumatic case like this one, that they get counselling afterwards, even if it's just one or two sessions with a therapist. Because the court case drags it all up again. It can be very hard to deal with. So I do recommend you do that."

"W-what about Mom?"

"Yeah, well. The best thing I can do for her is try and get a not guilty verdict. And the Defence has only just started, I've got a lot of strong arguments to present. You did really well today. So we are definitely in with a chance on that one."

"Thank you. Th-thank you so much for your help."

"You're welcome."

...

Flynn stabbed one crutch into a corner of the picnic blanket while Marie and Holly spread out the other corners. Skyler leaned in to try and help but she was too late, they had already done it. Marie placed three large purple cushions along one side of the blanket and looked at her sister. "There you go," she said, gesturing at the cushions. "Lie down and relax."

Skyler dropped to her knees and then flopped onto the blanket, placing a cushion under her head and lying on her back looking up at the leafy tree branches and the perfect blue sky behind them. "Good idea," she said. "Thanks, Marie."

"Here, Mommy," said Holly, pulling a golden-coloured teddy out of Marie's picnic basket and handing it to her mother while she grasped a soft toy lion in her own arms.

"Thank you, darling," said Skyler. "Why don't you lie down next to me here and look up. It looks pretty great."

Holly lay down and put her head on her mother's chest. The two of them looked up into the trees.

"There's a thing you can do," said Marie, kneeling down beside them, "called mindfulness. Have you heard of that? Dave taught me about it."

"I've heard of it."

"It's a technique to stop yourself from freaking out by grounding yourself in the present. So you pretty much focus on your senses - sight, touch, sound. I find closing my eyes and feeling the breeze on my face helps. If there is a breeze. Or you can touch what's around you and focus on how it feels in your hand, or just look at something and focus on how it looks. It's very calming because it brings your focus back to the here and now and away from whatever's going on in your head."

Silence. The tweeting of the bird.

Skyler stroked Holly's hair. "You're so kind to me, Marie," she said.

Marie tilted her head to the side, looking like she wanted to say something more but wasn't sure what.

Flynn frowned. "We do things for each other because we're family, Mom. Th-that's not something you should be…surprised by."

Skyler looked up at the canopy and sighed. "Unconditional love can cover all manner of sins, Flynn. You should not, ever, do something for someone just because they are family, or just because you love them. You don't get a choice in who you love." She turned her head to look at him. "Especially in the case of family, it is unconditional. The love part. But you can choose whether you do things for that person or not. You should never follow blindly, and you should never do things for someone just because they're family. I'm aware that this is the opposite of what you were raised to believe and I'm sorry." She turned her head back and looked up at the leaves.

Flynn swallowed. Holly snuggled closer into her mother's arms.

Marie looked between them. "Thank you, Skyler, I'm glad you've learned something. Now, we are not going to think about that today because we are going to have a lovely time eating the most delicious picnic." She began taking food out of her basket. "And then I was thinking we could go on the pedal boats. Because that would be really fun."

Nobody said anything, so she kept talking as she laid out the food on the blanket. "Do you remember the time Hank made it into a race and then started trying to ram you? Sky?"

"Oh, I remember that!" said Flynn. "Th-that was Uncle Hank and me! That was awesome!"

"Yes it was you, you were about seven and sitting in the middle of our boat while your mom and dad were in the other one, and I was very upset with Hank because I was a hapless passenger taken along for a very violent pedal boat ride which did not make the proprietor very happy."

Flynn laughed. "That guy was funny!"

"I was upset with Hank, but actually it was you who was egging him on."

"Yeah. Th-that was awesome." Flynn grinned.

Holly sat up. "What's a peggle boat?"

"It's a boat propelled by pedals," explained Marie. "You push them with your feet and the boat goes."

"Yeah," said Flynn. "I-I can't do that, though."

"That's alright, Holly won't be able to reach the pedals either. You two can be the passengers."

"Isn't it only…two adults per boat?"

"Yeah. Oh, we have to have two boats. We can't race if we don't have two boats!"

Flynn laughed. "You wanna race again?"

"Yeah! You and me against them. I mean, I can't promise I can drive a pedal boat in anywhere near as exciting a way as your gung-ho uncle, but…." She pointed at Skyler. "I'm gonna get you." She raised an eyebrow playfully, and Skyler managed a half smile.

"I think I have to give you some chocolate first, though. Pep you up a bit." Marie dug into the picnic basket, pulled out a packet of Lindor balls and handed them to Skyler.

"Oh my god, thank you." Skyler ripped into the packet.

"Can I have one?" asked Holly.

"Alright."

"This is not a thing, Holly," said Marie. "Having dessert first is not a thing that we do. You must never expect that. Go for it."

The family began to eat.


	15. Chapter 15

"_Yeah, I need the police, my Dad, he-he-he pulled a knife on my Mom, he attacked her, he-he's dangerous. I-I-I think he might have killed somebody."_

"_Is he still there?"_

"_Yeah. He's still, he's still here. Yeah, he's-he's still in the house."_

The sound of Skyler crying could be heard in the background, and Marie's hand flew over her mouth.

"_Where are you, son, what's the address?"_

"_We're at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane. 308 Negra Arroyo Lane! You've gotta come quick, hurry! Hur- oh god, god, no! No!"_

"_Oh my god! No! Walt!"_

"_Mom!"_

"_NO! WALT!"_

"_Son, what's happening?"_

"_He-he took my baby sister! He-he took her, he just grabbed her and walked out! Oh my god, w-wait…"_

"_The police are on their way to you. Hello? Are you still there? What's your name, son?"_

"_C-can you hear me?" The audio became muffled. "Can you hear me?"_

"_Yes I can hear you, what's happening?"_

"_I just had to put my phone in my pocket on…speaker phone. I just…heard the squeal of tyres and the truck dr-driving away, a-and Mom was screaming but now she's stopped - she, now I can't hear anything. I'm just going outside. Mom!"_

"_Son don't do that, don't do that, you need to keep yourself safe!"_

"_Mom! Mom!"_

"_Stay where you are, we are on our way to you."_

"_Oh my god."_

"_Stay where you are and tell me what you can see."_

"_H-he…he's taken my sister. I can just see Mom. She's kneeling in the middle of the road."_

"_Ok, I need you to describe the truck that he was in and the direction it was heading."_

"_North from our house. Mom's looking north. N-north on Negra Arroyo Lane. From 308 North. M-Mom!"_

"_What did the truck look like?"_

"_Grey and old! I didn't see the badge, it's a…pickup truck - it's not his, I've n-never seen it before!"_

"_Did you see the licence plate?"_

"_N-no! No I didn't! There was a black barrel i-in the back, a tall one standing up, and D-Dad put a…bunch of suitcases…in there too, th-they were on the tray, be-because he told us we had to leave."_

"_Do you know which direction it went in when it left Negra Arroyo Lane?"_

"_Mom, which way did he go? Mom! Did you see w-which way he went?"_

"_I didn't see anything," _said a new voice._ "I just heard the noise."_

"_Mom, the police need to know! Which way did he go? ... She-she's pointing right. He went right out of Negra Arroyo Lane. Th-that way leads to Eubank."_

"_Alright, we've got two cars that are just a few blocks away from you now son, I'm now dispatching a third and I'll send the first two to try and find your father."_

"_W-wait, it might not be Eubank be-because you can go through…the little streets back…back to Comanche."_

"_Don't worry, we've got maps and live traffic cameras and we're looking now."_

"_They got maps and l-live traffic cameras, Mom. Mom, they've got live traffic cameras and t-two cop cars are…only a few blocks away, they're-they're gonna find Dad and Holly! Mom!"_

"_Is your mother ok, son, is she hurt?"_

"_Mom, are you hurt? Mom! ...I don't…I don't think she's hurt, but she's…not moving or saying anything, s-some neighbours pulled her up off the street and n-now she's just… sitting on the kerb."_

"_Alright. Listen, you are doing really well. You stayed calm and you've got all the information to me, you are doing so well. What's your name?"_

"_Flynn."_

"_Good job Flynn, you're doing great. The third car that I dispatched should be at your house within ten minutes. The two others are already looking for your father, and we are sending more now, so don't worry. Just try and stay calm and if you can, you and your mother should go back inside your house. Shut the door and make yourselves safe."_

"_O-ok."_

"_APD will be there soon. Don't worry, Flynn."_

"_Thank-thank you. Thank you."_

The recording ended. Kim stood and looked at Flynn, who was looking down, his face set in a scowl.

"Are you ok?"

He looked up. "Y-yeah," he said huskily.

"You ok to answer some questions about that?"

"Yeah."

"You told us on Friday that your parents had been wrestling with a knife, that your father had thrown your mother to the floor and then pushed her down into the floor and risen above her with the knife."

"Yeah."

"You said she was screaming."

"Yeah, j-just a bit then, and then a lot that you heard... that you could hear…in the background on the tape."

"And you said that when you pulled out your phone to call 911, you and your mother were crouching on the floor and your father was standing over you still holding the knife."

"Yeah. H-he dropped it when I started talking to the 911…operator."

"Then what happened?"

"Then he walked away from us towards the front door - w-we were on the floor next to the sofa that was nearest the kitchen, and…Mom was k-kind of in between me and the sofa, s-so she couldn't see what was…happening, but I watched Dad w-walk across the living room and I saw him…pick up Holly from her playpen, which was k-kind of near the front door. The front door was s-still open - everything was so crazy that we had…never shut it when…we got home. So h-he just picked up Holly and the bag that had Holly's stuff in it and h-he walked out the door. You heard me say, 'Oh God,' on the tape; th-that was when he did that. I saw him…pick Holly up. Mom couldn't see it b-but she saw my reaction when I said, 'Oh God,' and she turned around and s-scrambled to get up and she…ran after Dad s-screaming. Which you heard a little bit…on the tape, a-actually she was screaming a lot more than that but I…didn't have the phone on speaker phone yet th-then and I was…s-still on the floor near the kitchen. Because of my crutches, it took me…a while to get up. S-so I didn't see what happened next."

"What did you hear?"

"I heard Mom s-screaming, 'No, Walt, no!' over and over. Th-they were words, but she was…screaming them. She was…panicking because she knew h-he was running away from the police so he wasn't gonna…come back. And he was taking Holly with him. He wanted to…take all of us, but me and Mom said no. He grabbed…grabbed Holly because sh-she was the only one who couldn't… answer back! And he just h-hated it when people didn't do what…he wanted!"

"So you put your phone on speaker phone and you put it in your pocket and you stood up?"

"Yeah, I p-put it in my chest pocket here so th-they could still hear me and I could still hear…them. But meantime I had heard the s-squeal of tyres and…I also heard the sound of M-Mom's footsteps as she ran…after him. She was still s-screaming and I heard her r-running after him and getting further away from me. Th-then everything went quiet. By the time I got to the front door, i-it was all quiet. Dad and Holly had…gone, and M-Mom was kneeling on the road about… f-forty feet away."

"What was she doing?"

"Nothing, she-she couldn't move. It looked like she had…tr-tried to chase the truck and then just…collapsed to the ground, and she was just kn-kneeling there shaking. I was calling to her a-and she wasn't…responding. Then a couple of neighbours came out…of their houses and th-they helped her up and led her to the side of the road and sh-she sat on the kerb. She kind of…collapsed down there a-as well. Sh-she couldn't really move properly."

"Was this while you were still talking to the 911 operator?"

"Yeah, that was w-when he was asking me about the truck and w-what direction it went and all that."

"What happened when you ended the call?"

"I s-said to Mom that we should go inside. And I…and one of the neighbours helped her up. I put my arm around her and sh-she leant on me and we walked back…to the house. Just as w-we were getting there, the police arrived, and then all of a sudden, M-Mom started talking. Sh-she had been in shock before that and she wasn't…able to say anything, b-but as soon as the police arrived, it was like a switch f-flipped it in her head and she told them r-really quickly everything about how Dad was a…drug lord called…Heisenberg and that they needed to c-call the DEA right away because they would help APD…search for him. Because they were looking for him."

"Your mother told the APD officers to call the DEA right away?"

"Yeah. She told them to call the DEA. Then…a-at that point she and I were separated, because one officer interviewed me while the other one interviewed…her. So I don't know what she said after that. But I know she...told them a lot."

"Why do you think she didn't tell the police about what your father was doing until then?"

"Objection!" Prosecutor Martin stood. "Conjecture!"

"Mr Lambert is a character witness, so conjecture is permissible," said Judge Stephens. "I'll allow the question."

Kim nodded at Flynn.

"I think because she…was scared. I don't know what Dad did to her exactly, th-they never let me see it and now she r-refuses to talk about it, but I know that he was a…very controlling person, and I know that sh-she was very scared that day. And when she has…reactions about it now, which has been happening ever since it…happened b-but it seems to have got worse now, sh-she has panic attacks and things like that. Th-that's fear that has continued over from the…trauma that she…suffered because of Dad. A-and it's not like Mom is a fearful person generally, sh-she's actually a really strong person and she n-never likes to accept help with…anything, she's just really strong and…capable with most things, but anytime she's reminded of w-what happened with Dad, sh-she just falls down. Like what happened the other day w-when you had to adjourn the court case."

"Thank you, Flynn. No further questions, Your Honour."

Prosecutor Martin stood. "So, Mr Lambert - that's your name now, is it?"

"Yes."

"And Lambert is your mother's maiden name, is that right?"

"Yes."

"So you've changed your name and she hasn't?"

"She has, sh-she uses Lambert for almost everything now, b-but she hasn't changed it legally yet."

"You have and she hasn't."

"I had to because I wanted to sit my…SATs and apply for c-college as Flynn Lambert. I had to change it legally…for that."

"I see. Mr Lambert, how do you feel about your father?"

"I hate him."

"Hate! That's a very strong word."

"I'm very angry with him for what he's…done to my family, in particular m-my mom."

"Mmmhmm. Hate, wow. You hate him so much you changed your name!"

"N-no, I did that because Walter White is the most…hated name in the entire South West. I-it was not good for me to have that name."

"Mmmhmm. Mr Lambert, I would like to show a video to the court, and then I would like you to describe it to us. Clerk, it's exhibit 917a, if you would."

Kevin pushed a button which caused a projector screen to unfurl in a corner of the courtroom. It took a couple of minutes for the projector to turn on and the video to load.

"Hate. A very strong word," Prosecutor Martin repeated.

"I know what the video is," said Flynn. "I didn't hate him then."

"Mr Lambert, if you could restrict yourself to answering the questions presented to you."

"I didn't know what he was really l-like then."

"Silence, please. Play the video, clerk."

"_How much money have you raised so far?"_

"_S-six…six thousand, three hundred and sixty dollars, but there's more coming in all the time."_

"_Wow. That's amazing."_

"_We don't even know what to say, it's just, it's-it's been incredible."_

"_Judging from the things you and other folks have written about him, your dad must be quite a guy."_

"_Yeah, he is, h-he's the best."_

"_You don't want to lose him, do you, Walter?"_

"_N-none of us do. W-we love him."_

"_He's a good man, isn't he?"_

"_A-absolutely. A-ask anyone, h-he - anybody, he's a great father, a great teacher, he knows, like, everything there is to know about chemistry; he's patient with you, and he's always there for you, he's, he's just...decent, and he always does the right thing, and that's how he teaches me to be."_

"_Would you say he's your hero?"_

"_Oh yeah. Y-yes ma'am. Totally. M-my dad is my hero."_

The video ended.

Judge Stephens spoke. "Members of the jury, that was an edited video and the clip shown was chosen by the Prosecution. If you wish to see the full video, it will be made available to you."

"Mr Lambert," said Prosecutor Martin. "Can you explain the context of that video to us?"

"Sure. My dad had cancer and h-he needed money for the treatment. Me and Mom didn't…know that he was making illegal dr-drug money to pay for it, so we thought there…wasn't enough money. So Mom got a job - a little while before that she got a job e-even though she was about to have a baby - and I made a website to raise money. And someone from…the media found out about the website s-so they did that story to go on TV. That's what the video was."

"And you said that your father was a good man, that he always did the right thing, and that he was your hero."

"Can you imagine how h-horrible it was for me when I found out that that was all…bullshit?"

"It is quite a contrast in your attitude though, you must admit."

"Of course it is. It was…before I found out. My dad was a m-"

"And how did you find out again?"

"Mom told me. Dad w-was-"

"Your mother told you!"

"Yeah, and Aunt-"

"Your mother tells you a few things one afternoon, and less than an hour later you're calling 911 on your own father."

"D-did you hear what happened when we got home that day?"

"Yes, you said that your mother pulled a knife on your father. And yet in the 911 call you can clearly be heard saying that he pulled a knife on her!"

"He did. H-"

"Well which is it, one or the other?"

"Stop cutting me off!"

"I'm just trying to understand why you keep contradicting yourself!"

"I have a speech impediment, alright? You need to…give me t-time to talk. You just asked me, like, three questions in a row, I n-need time to answer them."

"Alright."

"Mom pulled out the knife because she thought it was the only way to make him…listen. She didn't try and stab him, she just held it up i-in front of herself, sh-she put the knife between…him and us to protect us, while she was trying to talk, b-because he was not letting any of us say anything. Instead of letting her talk, he gr-grabbed the knife from her, threw her to the ground, h-held her down and knelt…on top of her and held the knife…in the air o-over her. At that point I said, 'M-my dad pulled a knife on my mom.' It was a summary, because I had to say it v-very quickly to the 911 operator."

"So they both pulled a knife on each other?"

"Yes, but she didn't do it in a threatening way; h-he did, and he threw her down and held her onto the floor! The other question you asked me-"

"But surely he was just disarming her?"

"No he wasn't, if you're disarming someone you grab the weapon and th-throw it away. Y-you don't hold them down and hold the weapon…above them!""

"He did throw it away, though - you said that, didn't you?"

"He threw it away when I was talking to the 911 operator. Before that he held it up above M-Mom and I was scared that he was going to…hurt her with it and I had to-"

"That's just conjecture."

"Stop cutting me off!"

"Objection!" Kim was on her feet.

"Prosecutor," said the judge, "the witness is describing a traumatic experience in which he had to think on his feet. He had to use conjecture. And I have previously ruled that as he is a character witness, conjecture is ok. In addition, as he has a speech impediment, you will from now on wait until he has fully finished talking before you proceed with your next question or statement. Is that understood?"

Judge Stephens looked at Flynn, who was breathing heavily, and at Prosecutor Martin, who nodded very slightly to indicate his understanding. "Mr Lambert, please continue."

Flynn swallowed. "Dad was h-holding Mom…into the ground and ho-holding the knife up above her, and I had to throw m-my entire body at him to get him off of her. I pushed them apart, and h-he stood up, and at that point he was still holding the knife. He had just been in…a physical altercation with his w-wife and his son, and at the end of it he was still holding the knife, he had not thrown it away. At that point, f-funnily enough, he stopped being my hero and I s-started hating him. The other question you asked me, b-back when you were insinuating that Mom was lying or manipulating me, which is the most ridiculous idea ever, you asked me…who told me the truth about my dad. I was trying to say that Mom told me with Aunt Marie. Aunt Marie was…sitting next to her and…telling me that what Mom was saying was true. Then later, of course, the DEA, APD and all the n-news outlets in the entire country started saying the same thing, s-so I don't think my mom was lying about that, do you?"

"No I wasn't suggesting that, it's just that you claim that your father was a manipulative person who was effectively conning you into viewing him as a hero, and I find it strange that just one verbal explanation from your mother was enough to make all the scales fall from your eyes at once."

"It wasn't. The scales fell from my eyes when he threw her to the floor and pulled a knife on her."

"You said that you were angry with her too, you said that you thought they were working together."

"A-at first I wondered that, but not for long, b-because it was pretty clear when he…physically attacked her that h-he was the one in charge!"

"What if it was just a fight between business partners?"

"What?"

"They had a disagreement, she pulled out a knife, he took evasive action to get it off her."

"Ha-have you been listening to anything I've been saying? He…physically attacked her, gr-grabbed hold of her, threw her to the floor, p-pushed her into the floor and then held the knife up above her. A man who does that to a…woman is not in an equal partnership with her! He is controlling her! F-for the first time, she stops taking it, sh-she stands up for herself and says no, we're not coming with you while you run away from the police – f-for the first time she stands up for herself, and he attacks her!"

"So when you switched from hero-worshipping him to hating him, was it a 'just like that' kind of thing? Did you flip a switch in your head?"

"No. It was r-really hard. And just because I hate him now, d-doesn't mean I don't still love him as well, y-you can't turn that off. Neither can Mom, th-that's why she was so confused all the time and…even though she wanted to get help and…not help him break the law, he was able to manipulate her into doing that be-because she loved him. She…started to hate him as well when she realised…how bad it was and that he had tr-trapped her and was controlling her, but he would always b-be able to manipulate her into doing what he wanted because…sh-she loved him too."

"Wait, I think you're contradicting yourself again. Are you saying that you hate him or that you love him?"

"I'm saying both. I don't want to love him, I've tried s-so hard to stop, and I…thought I had stopped, I thought I just…hated him, but then he died and I got really s-sad."

"You got sad when Walter White died?"

"I hated being sad about it! He didn't deserve anyone to be s-sad about him when he died! But it was because you…can't turn love off, i-it doesn't just go away like that. So no, I did not f-flip a switch and suddenly change h-how I felt about Dad. I called 911 because I was defending my mother."

"No further questions, Your Honour."

"Thank you, Mr Martin. Does the Defence wish to re-examine the witness?"

"I do, Your Honour." Kim stood. "Mr Lambert, regarding your fundraising campaign, can you tell the court how much money that raised in total?"

"I-it was more than $14,000. I've actually been…trying to track those people down s-so that I can give them a refund. I think it's…really wrong that Dad was…taking money from good people w-when he was doing the wrong thing and making lots of money for himself…illegally."

"You want to give the donors a refund?"

"Yeah. S-some of them actually asked for a refund when they found out about him. So their banks refunded them, and th-then I tracked down a few through computer and bank records, but…th-there's a lot that just can't be tracked…at all, it's like it was scr-scrambled. I know a bit about tracking things with computers, and I have some friends who know more, and I also…got the banks to investigate it and r-recently I paid for a private computer expert to…do more. He told me that if he couldn't find them it wasn't possible, and…it wasn't. Only about $1300… was traceable. Which doesn't m-make any sense, s-so it looks like before he…bought the car wash, Dad was using m-my website to launder his money."

"Did you just find this out recently?"

"Yeah. For a long time I didn't have the money to refund the donors, because w-when Dad left us my family barely had enough money to eat, b-but I was given some money recently, so I…looked into this and hired the computer guy and…everything, it was just a couple of months ago. I reported it to the DEA. They're gonna investigate it further, b-but they agreed with me that if…that much money is untraceable, i-it probably means there were criminals involved."

"So your father used you to launder his money before he used your mother?"

"Yeah."

...

Marie rushed out the public gallery entrance and around to the corridor that lead deeper into the court building. There were lots of people milling around and she pushed past them and scanned every face until she found her nephew. He was standing near the main courtroom entrance looking at his phone. Marie ran up to him and gave him a long hug.

"Hey Aunt Marie, are-are you alright?"

"Are you?" Marie looked at him with an expression of amazement and awe on her face.

"Yeah, d-do you think that went ok?"

"Yes, you were amazing, but oh my god, I had to cover my face during that 911 call - I couldn't handle it, I couldn't believe it! I am so sorry you had to go through that, and I didn't even ask you! At the time, I didn't even ask you!"

"We…kind of had other things going on…at that time."

"Yeah, but…oh my god, you were 16 and you had to…!" Her arms flailed. "And your mom! I could hear her screaming, it made my blood curdle!"

"Yeah, well, don't tell her that, ok?"

"No. Oh my god. Are you alright?"

"A-a little shaky, but… nothing I can't handle."

"You're incredible. You were supporting me! You had your arm around me practically all night, and I didn't even ask you if you were alright!"

"Y-you had a few other things to worry about that night, A-Aunt Marie!"

"I know." Marie nodded and scrunched up her eyes. "I just wanted to say sorry, and… well done. Oh, Kim!"

Kim had just appeared through the same door Flynn had come out of, carrying a pile of books and folders. She turned around.

"Do you know where Skyler is?" Marie asked. "Is she allowed to have lunch with us?"

"Uh yeah, sure, it's…I just need to have a quick word with her first, though. Oh, I'll take you to her, come with me."

"Oh thanks," said Marie, stepping forward.

Kim waited for Flynn. "Flynn, you were incredible. You are my star witness of the year, I am so impressed."

"You thought it went…ok?"

"Ok? You were incredible! You stood your ground, you stood up for yourself when he was cutting you off, you remembered all the things he'd asked you and went back and answered them, and you reinforced over and over what really happened. He grabbed her, he threw her on the ground, he held up the knife - you said that about four times over!"

"H-he was trying to make it sound like that was ok!"

"He was trying to rile you up so you'd contradict yourself. You didn't. You said the same thing, clearly, over and over. That reinforced it so well and made it clear that that was exactly what happened."

"I couldn't believe want an…ass that guy was! H-how is a man throwing his wife to the floor an…argument between business partners?!"

"You stood up to it really well. Good job." Kim arrived at a closed door with a guard standing next to it. She reached for the handle, and then the guard said, "She's gone for a smoke." He gestured towards a small balcony across the hall, where Skyler could be seen leaning on the railing with a cigarette in her hand and a vacant expression on her face.

"I won't be long," said Kim and walked out to the balcony. Marie and Flynn saw Skyler turn towards her, her facial expression not changing at all. She couldn't see them.

"Flynn's finished, he was wonderful," said Kim. "I mean he really helped your case a lot - I am feeling even more confident now than I was before." She smiled, but again Skyler didn't react.

"So…just to fill you in, we covered his 911 call and then the Prosecution played a clip of the TV interview about his fundraising website, because they were trying to throw him off, but it didn't work, he held his own really really well. And then because they raised it, I was able to ask him about what he recently found out about those donations potentially being money laundering as well. Money laundering which did not involve you at all, so."

"How did Flynn react to that?"

"Very well. He volunteered the information - I didn't even ask him."

Silence.

"So this afternoon we have Dr Murchison, the psychologist - not the one who did the assessment, the one I introduced you to."

Skyler nodded, taking the last drag of her cigarette and stubbing it out on the balcony rail.

"They want you back in for that, at 1 o'clock. Meantime, your family would like to have lunch with you." Kim gestured through the glass door of the building to where Flynn and Marie were waiting. Skyler saw them and her expression changed immediately. She rushed towards them. "Are you ok?" she said to Flynn as she opened the door.

"Yeah, I'm fine. K-Kim said I did well."

"You really did, Flynn," said Kim.

"Did they give you a hard time?"

"It wasn't that bad."

"Do you want to have lunch with us, Kim?" said Marie.

"Oh no thank you, I have things to go over. Thanks for the offer, though." Kim smiled, patted Flynn on the back and left.

Skyler was still staring at Flynn.

"Mom, I'm fine," he said.

"I'm still staring at you too," said Marie. "I can't believe it."


	16. Chapter 16

Kim had done really well in her selection of a psychologist. She had found someone who not only had experience in practicing clinical psychology and in studying criminal psychology, but who had written a book on couples who committed crimes together. The prosecutor attempted to discredit the psychologist's very convincing argument that Skyler had done what she did out of a co-dependent need to please Walt by saying that of course someone who has written a book on co-dependent criminal couples will see such traits in every case they come across. "Can you deny that there is a significant chance that you are seeing what you want to see, simply because it is what you know?"

"Yes, I can deny that," Dr Murchison said. "And I do. In my research I studied 34 criminal couples who fit into three very different categories. The first were those where both partners were equally involved, equally wanting to do it and mostly treating each other with respect over it. These were not co-dependent relationships and of those who were caught, usually both of them were caught, because if one was caught the other would immediately give themselves up and claim full responsibility in order to try and protect their partner, whom they genuinely loved. Walter White did not do that. The second category was relationships where one partner controlled the other with fear, usually involving violence or threats of violence. They would tell their partner exactly what to do and give them no choice but to do it for fear of their own safety. In some cases they threatened others as well, took hostages and so on. I don't believe Walter White did that either. Mrs White has stated in her interviews that he never struck her, and other family members have testified that there never appeared to be any evidence of that. He had multiple opportunities to use their children as hostages and he didn't; he freely agreed for them to be cared for by their aunt and uncle for three months, and then later when he abducted his daughter he returned her three hours later of his own volition. No, I don't think Walter White ruled his wife in a you-will-do-what-I-say-or-else kind of way.

"The third kind of couple that I found was one where, like in the second, there is one partner who is firmly in control. But rather than ruling their spouse with an iron fist, they use more subtle means like emotional blackmail, emotional abuse and psychological manipulation – which, I might add, are just as damaging as physical abuse and _more_ controlling. These are the really co-dependent relationships. The submissive partner in the majority of cases I studied did not even agree with the criminal activity committed by their dominant partner, but, driven by need to please them, not upset them, perhaps through craving the kind way they would be treated if they did what their partner wanted or through fearing the unkind way they would be treated if they didn't, the submissive partner became an accessory after the fact to the crime. In some cases they went further and committed some crimes themselves, crimes that were never nearly as serious as the crimes committed by their dominant partner. Those who were caught described feeling that they had to go along with their dominant partner, that they _had_ to commit those crimes, they had no choice. A lot of them gave full confessions, and many of them expressed confusion and revulsion with their own actions, sometimes not even understanding why they had done what they did but just knowing somehow that they _had_ to because their partner was controlling them psychologically. This is one of those cases. I have not made it fit with my research; my research found three clear kinds of criminal couples and all I have done is identify which of those categories the Whites fitted into."

...

On Tuesday morning, Skyler took the stand. Kim questioned her all day, in great detail that was intricately linked chronologically both to other things that were happening at the time and to the exact order of her thought processes and Walt's actions towards her. Then Kim worked back through every argument and piece of evidence the Prosecution had presented and invited Skyler to tell her own side of it.

Kim's questioning was so detailed, it took a day and a half. Skyler was quite exhausted and relieved when it was over, but it wasn't over it all, because then it was time for the cross-examination.

"So, Mrs White," said Prosecutor Martin. "What I gather from what you and my learned colleague have been saying, in a very very roundabout way, is that when you found out what your husband was doing, you thought he was a small-time idiot who had bitten off more than he could chew. Like a college student who deals a bit of weed in his spare time but isn't a 'real' criminal."

"Yes."

"But a criminal is anyone who breaks the law. You're a criminal or you're not, there's no in between."

"There's a distinction between misdemeanor and felony. At first I thought what Walt was doing was misdemeanor level. Which was still abhorrent to me and I kicked him out of the house for it. But then he came back."

"Yes, you were a bit on again off again, weren't you?"

Skyler grunted and looked down. "I tried to end my relationship with him, but he kept coming back."

"But you could have stopped him if you'd just told the police or the DEA."

"You can't just go to the police when you're afraid."

"You said that you _became_ afraid of Walter, but that that wasn't always the case. When you were afraid, I can understand it might be a little harder. From the moment you found out that your husband was making methamphetamine, were you afraid?"

"Yes."

"You're contradicting yourself, Mrs White. You clearly stated earlier that you _became_ afraid of your husband, but that you weren't at the start; that you didn't know the extent of what he was capable of and you thought he was still a harmless schoolteacher."

"Not harmless, I never said Walt was harmless. He was brash and arrogant and often unthinking in his actions -"

"When you _first_ found out that he had started making methamphetamine, were you afraid of him?"

"No, but -"

"You're contradicting yourself – the jury can't trust a single thing you say!"

"What you asked me before was not was I afraid of my husband then, it was was I afraid, period, in general – yes I was afraid, I was always afraid the whole way through!"

"What were you afraid of then, if not him?"

"The criminals he was working with, losing our house, our family, everything we had - and I was absolutely correct on that because that was what later happened, and we were lucky to escape with our lives, and…and of course, my brother-in-law didn't." Skyler sighed and rubbed her hand across her forehead. "I just thought that it was safest for everyone if I stayed where I was and kept quiet."

"Ok, I'm gonna need you to be more specific there – when you say 'safe', what do you mean exactly?"

"Safe from being killed by drug dealers."

"Right, which, correct me if I'm wrong, you said did not include your husband – you did _not_ think he was going to kill you."

"I was afraid of him doing a lot of other things."

"Yes or no Mrs White, were you afraid that your husband might kill you?"

"No."

"No."

"The people he was working with would."

"I'm not asking you about the people he was working with."

"Gustavo Fring threatened to kill us all, even my baby daughter."

"No no no, that hadn't happened yet."

"I knew it would."

"You mentioned your brother-in-law earlier. Did you think he was in danger?"

Skyler closed her eyes. "Yes."

"He was attacked by two Mexican nationals from a drug cartel, and was lucky not to have been killed then – this was unrelated to his murder, which happened about a year later. A bullet passed very close to his spine, leaving him unable to walk for some months - now, you have stated that you wanted to help he and your sister out by paying for his physical therapy treatment, just so that he could get better and walk again. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"And you and your husband paid…" The prosecutor looked at his notes. "$177,000 for his, for ASAC Hank Schrader's treatment, is that right?"

"Yes."

"Why was that?"

"Because his HMO wouldn't have covered enough physical therapy sessions for him to be able to walk again."

"So…so you wanted to help him walk?"

"Yes."

"You wanted your brother-in-law to walk."

"Yes, of course I did."

"Was that the only reason that you gave your sister and brother-in-law that money? $177,000?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"It wasn't as a kind of insurance for down the track if he found out what you and your husband were doing, you could blackmail him with the knowledge that money from the sale of methamphetamine had been used to pay for his medical treatment, so that he, a DEA agent, would be compromised and would also keep his mouth shut?"

"No." Skyler held the prosecutor's eye and stood firm.

"But apparently that was in your blackmail video - which none of us have seen, because you destroyed it. Wasn't that in there, a threat to reveal the amount of illegal drug money that was used to pay for Schrader's medical treatment?"

"It was in there, yes. It was put there by Walt. It was not why I offered them the money."

"You are under oath, Mrs White."

"I know, and I am swearing to you that I never even thought of that - I offered them the money because I wanted to help Hank; I never ever thought of blackmailing him, and when we did eventually do that it was Walt's idea, Walt's words, Walt's insistence, not mine. That's why I destroyed the video, because I didn't want to do it in first place!"

"But you're admitting that you did blackmail your brother-in-law Hank Schrader."

"Objection!" Kim jumped to her feet. "Leading question."

"I'll rephrase that. Did you blackmail your brother-in-law Hank Schrader?"

Skyler's voice wavered. "Walt did."

"But you were involved."

"Objection! Leading question," said Kim.

"Sustained," said Judge Stephens.

"Were you involved in the blackmail, Mrs White?"

"Yes, but I didn't want to be. I destroyed the video because I didn't want Walt to go through with it."

"But you didn't stop him."

"Objection! Leading question," said Kim.

"Sustained, Prosecutor will you please stop -"

"I couldn't stop Walt doing anything!" Skyler's voice shook, but it was strong. "If I could stop Walt from doing something then none of this would've happened! I could not stop him!"

"Mmmmhmmm." Prosecutor Martin nodded lazily and looked down at his notes. "Did you want the money? Did you want to spend it, keep it?"

Skyler breathed deeply. "When I found out what my husband was doing, I kicked him out of the house and commenced divorce proceedings."

"That's quite a backflip you did when you decided to start laundering his money and got back together with him."

"I didn't make that decision, he did."

"Oh now that's not true, is it? You hired a con man to convince Bogdan Wolynetz to sell you the car wash!"

"Saul Goodman hired him. He was Walt's lawyer."

"He was Walt's lawyer! Not yours?"

"I was an add-on, an afterthought. Someone to be strung along by both of them, to be made to think that things weren't as bad as they really were so that I would do what they wanted and keep my mouth shut."

"Well I know he's not your lawyer now, but your current defence counsel is his ex-wife, so you clearly haven't moved very far away from him."

"Objection!" said Kim. "Relevance."

Prosecuted Martin chuckled and looked smugly at Kim. "Did you think I didn't know?"

"Sustained!" said the judge wearily. "Prosecutor, you will refrain from making judgemental comments to the Defence counsel."

"Certainly, Your Honour." Martin turned back to Skyler. "As I was saying, you have not moved very far away from Saul Goodman."

"The morning after my brother-in-law was killed, when I went voluntarily into the DEA to tell them everything I knew, I did not call Saul Goodman. I called the public defender and I gave evidence against Saul. He was a criminal interested only in making illicit money for himself."

"No honour amongst thieves."

"I'm not a thief."

"You're very well spoken. And very thorough. Now, about the money, which you dodged my question on several minutes ago. Did you want the money?"

"I didn't dodge the question, I told you that when I found out about it I kicked my husband out of the house. I tried to prevent him from compromising my house and my children by spending that money on us."

"Oh, you didn't do very well at that."

"No, because it turned out he had already been using it to pay for all of our bills for at least six months by that point. So the house was already compromised and I knew it would be seized by the federal government if anyone found-"

"But you offered to use the money to pay for your brother-in-law's medical treatment! You were quite happy to compromise your family - without his or your sister's knowledge, I might add. Another backflip!"

Skyler nodded. "Yes."

"Yes. You admit to that backflip too."

"Does someone who backflips and flounders in all directions sound like someone who's in control to you? I couldn't control any of it, I-"

"Do you really mean to tell me that you did not want to have at your disposal all of those millions of dollars that your husband had and was offering to you on a silver platter?"

"It wasn't a silver platter; it had a lot of strings attached." Skyler swallowed. "But yes. Of course I wanted it."

"You wanted it!"

"I had been through at that point about fifteen years of not having enough money to see to the health and developmental needs of my children. My son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when he was 18 months old, but problems with his motor ability were visible well before then and we spent a lot of money on doctors from when he was a baby. That was ongoing because he required significant physical therapy and three operations to develop the motor skills that he has now. That took up most of my time, so I couldn't work full-time, and my husband took a school teaching job because it was stable, but it didn't pay very much. Then four months into an unplanned pregnancy, he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and I was faced with bringing up our daughter on my own, so when I say that I wanted the money, it wasn't so that I could get new clothes or fine wine or anything like that. It was for the health and well-being of my children."

"Well that's no problem now, your son was given 9 million dollars on his 18th birthday by your wealthy friends Gretchen and Elliot Schwartz."

"Thank goodness they took pity on him and decided to help him because before that, his physical condition was going downhill because I couldn't afford to pay for his treatment, and all of my daughter's medical care was being paid for by my sister, but when she got a gum infection when she was two, Marie couldn't afford to pay the hospital bill so I had to nurse her at home, which meant I couldn't work for almost two weeks, which meant I couldn't afford groceries, so I just stopped eating myself and fed Holly and Flynn, and then when the utility bill came and I couldn't pay it we stayed with my sister for a month when the power was cut off."

Prosecutor Martin laughed a long, low laugh. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant is trying to play on your sympathy. Do not buy it. There are many struggling mothers in the world; most of them do not run a meth empire and make millions of dollars. The only reason she was left with nothing after her husband run away was that the federal government seized a $900,000 car wash business, more than $70,000 in savings accounts, a $250,000 family home and $95,000 in illicit cash stashed by her in ten locations around her house."

"That was Walt's money, that was not my choice."

"Oh, it was Walt's money! Blame it on the dead. Anything to push responsibility away from yourself!"

"Objection!" Kim stood. "Relevance."

"Explain?" said the judge.

"Your Honour, my client has never been charged with or suspected of the production or sale of methamphetamine. That is what the money was from. It's pretty clear that it was her husband's, not hers."

"Objection denied; regardless of who earned the money it can be considered to be equally owned by both spouses."

"He earned it from his meth empire, I'm not denying that," said Prosecutor Martin. "What I am saying is that he gave it to you on a silver platter and you took it, you laundered it so he wouldn't get caught, and you spent it."

"It was not on a silver platter. There were many things I had to do and endure for that money and if I had had a choice I would not-"

"What did you have to do?"

"Shut my mouth and live in fear."

"Fear of what?"

"That the criminals Walt worked with would come and kill us. You can't just tell the police in that situation - if you tell the police, they'll kill you!. Fear that Walt would make an arrogant mistake and sell us all up the river. Fear of what he was doing that I didn't know about. Fear that I didn't know him anymore or what he was truly capable of. Fear of what he would do to me." Skyler's voice wavered. "Fear that I would be thrown in prison and lose my children."

"This fear. How did he instill it in you?"

Skyler was swallowing and struggling to keep control.

"Did he hit you?"

"No."

"He didn't hit you? Did he threaten you?"

"The situation he created threatened me very much, and what he could have done if I didn't toe the line was-"

"Did he tie you down and force you to run that car wash?"

"No, but-"

"Did he rape you?"

Skyler froze, her mouth half open, her eyes trapped in the prosecutor's gaze. "Yes," she said quietly as her heartbeat began to quicken.

In the public gallery, Marie gasped and her hand flew over her mouth.

The prosecutor frowned, and looked down at his notes. "Ah, you've never said that before."

"I really don't wanna talk about it." Skyler continued to look at him, her breathing heavy, her eyes unblinking.

"You've been asked these questions before about how he controlled you; why did you never say that?"

"Because I really don't wanna talk about it."

"Then why say it now?"

Skyler began to cry. "Because I'm under oath and you asked me! I've never been asked that before!"

"Ok. Mrs White, I'm...I'm sorry to hear that." Prosecutor Martin swallowed, and bit his lip. "When did he...when did he do that to you?"

Skyler's eyes winced closed. "I don't wanna talk about it. Please don't ask me about it."

"You've said that your husband's more damaging behaviours got worse over time. You said that things got really bad after you had started running the car wash and after he murdered Gustavo Fring."

Skyler swallowed, and breathed. Prosecutor Martin watched her.

"That was when I found out how bad it was. It was always that bad, but I didn't know because he was hiding it from me. When he killed Gus Fring, I found out what he was really capable of." Skyler placed a hand on the partition at the edge of the dock, and her knuckles began to whiten.

"Was it after that that he raped you?"

Skyler cried out and looked up to the ceiling, her left arm wrapping around herself and her right still gripping the dock.

Kim watched with bated breath. Marie cried.

"Was it after that?"

Skyler gasped and leaned forward, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. She nodded.

"I need you to say it for the court record."

Skyler took a rasping breath and turned to the press gallery. "Please don't report this in the media. My son doesn't know, please-"

"Mrs White."

"He can't know, please, please!"

"Mrs White, did your husband rape you after he killed Gustavo Fring?"

"Please stop asking me about it, please!" Skyler's voice was hardly recognisable anymore, strangled and gasping. She bent over the side of the dock, gripping it with both hands and whimpering.

"Ms Wexler, is your client alright?" asked Judge Stephens. "She's shaking like a leaf."

"Permission to approach the bench?" said Kim. The judge nodded.

"Transcript writers, please record that the defendant nodded the first time I asked that question!" said Prosecutor Martin. "The defendant nodded when I asked her if her husband raped her _after_ he had killed Gustavo Fring, _after_ she was already-"

"Silence, Prosecutor - the Defence Counsel is approaching my bench!

Kim reached the bench, and spoke in a low voice. "I think I was the only person who knew about this before now. I did ask her directly in one of our pre-trial meetings and she told me, and I said that proves that he was controlling you and abusing you so we should use that. She refused. She said she didn't want her family to know. She forbad me from mentioning it and refused to discuss it any further, but I do know that she hasn't had any counselling whatsoever, so no, Your Honour, she is not alright."

"Adjournment!" barked the judge, rolling her eyes somewhat. "I think we'll adjourn for the rest of the day, _again_. Please come back tomorrow morning, everyone." She stood, and the court followed. "Ms Wexler, please attend to your client." The judge walked out the door, and a loud banging sound was heard from the public gallery as Marie thundered up the steps and out of the public door. Kim turned and saw that Skyler was hunched over in her chair again, still shaking. She leaned into the dock and put a hand on her shoulder. "Well done," she said.

"You w-wanted me to say that."

"I'm sorry you had to."

There was a sudden commotion at the court's side entrance and the sound of Marie yelling, "Let me in! I need to get to my sister!"

Skyler fell further forward and her arms gathered tightly over her head.


	17. Chapter 17

Kim led Skyler to the small waiting room where she had left her handbag. She didn't pick it up.

Kim closed the door, leant on it and sighed. "I know this is not what you're thinking about now, but you are doing incredibly well. Everything he said, you had an answer for. At this point, a not guilty verdict is a real possibility. I don't wanna get your hopes up, I'm not saying it's definite, but it is possible. You are doing really well, and at this point you definitely look more like a victim than a criminal, so. Although 'victim' is not a good word to use, the word is 'survivor.'" She smiled.

Skyler turned to face her. "Can you get the judge to make sure they don't publish that?"

Kim grimaced. "I know the court likes to say it's impartial, but actually public opinion does have an impact. The members of the jury aren't allowed to talk to their families about it, but their families are talking to them. It's on the news almost every night. So something that could drum up a bit of public sympathy would be really good for you. And I know you didn't-"

"Please go and tell the judge to order the media not to publish it - she can do that, right?"

"I know you didn't want it to get out, but it is out, I'm sorry. A gag order won't change that."

"If it's not in the media my son doesn't have to know. I'll make sure Marie doesn't tell him. He cannot know!"

"I'm really sorry that -"

"You go and tell the judge now to make sure the media don't publish it! It's not like I said anything more about it anyway, it's not like they know what happened. They don't know what happened! And it wasn't that bad anyway, it wasn't like… It wasn't like he held me down or anything, it wasn't…" Skyler's eyes snapped shut, and she swallowed. "I don't want Flynn picturing that. And I don't want to have to explain it to him because…" She choked, and her voice became a whisper. "Because I can't. I can't handle that."

Kim nodded.

"Please. Go and speak to the judge now."

"I just told Marie I wouldn't leave your side."

"I'm fine."

Kim nodded. "Don't try and explain it away. Don't try and talk yourself down, or make yourself think that you deserved it or it wasn't that bad. It happens in lots of different ways but it's always bad, it's always a breach of your body and your rights, and you didn't deserve that."

Kim held Skyler's eyes briefly, then opened the door and slipped through it.

...

"Why on earth did you say that?" said DEA prosecutor Viney, reeling back in his desk chair.

"Because I thought she'd say no!" said Prosecutor Martin. "Did he hit you? No. Did he tie you down and force you to run the car wash? No! Prove that she was doing it of her own volition and not because she was being forced!"

"And the rape thing just entered your head as a good way of proving that?"

"I've used it before and it's worked! Ask the defendant specific questions about what was and wasn't done to force them!"

Viney put his face into his hands.

"Why didn't you guys ever ask her that? Why wasn't it on the record?"

"That sort of direct question is not something a DEA agent will usually ask. For many reasons, one: they are studying drugs, not rape!"

"APD, then!"

"Why would you ask a such a direct question? She should have volunteered that information as part of her defence!"

"Apparently she didn't wanna talk about it."

"Fantastic, then no-one ever had to know about it if you hadn't put your foot in your mouth! She'll get public sympathy over this!"

"That's why I thought I'd better tell you."

"Jesus, Greg, why would you ask such a specific question?"

"It's a proven tactic, I've used it before!"

"Well now it's failed. Good job."

"There was nothing on the record about this! Not even a whisper! How was I supposed to know?"

"Alright, alright. Can we spin it around to prove that she's hiding things?"

"It does prove that, but no. That would make us the bad guys!"

"What if she's lying?"

"I don't think so, she refused to answer any further questions about it. She only said it at all because she's under oath and I asked her directly - then she went all shaky again and Stephens adjourned out of concern for her welfare! There's no way we can accuse her of lying, we would be crucified."

"Oh my God. You idiot!"

"I am not an idiot, it is a proven tactic! Your people missed it!"

"We're the DEA! We investigate drugs!"

"Oh, because drug-related rape, that never happens."

"That's small time! That's APD!"

"That doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge that it's there."

"I had no idea it was there! I thought she was helping him of her own free will! Oh god, Ramey is gonna kill me - he's got two dead agents riding on this court case! Which opened with one of them's wife saying she doesn't blame the defendant, thanks to you!"

"Hey, it's not my fault you're prosecuting the wrong person!"

"We don't have anyone else!"

"So don't send it to trial! Make a deal!"

"We did! Plead guilty and she won't get more than six years - we said that to her!"

Greg rolled his eyes. "A deal she'll agree to!"

"That's not possible, Greg. The defence always wanted a trial because they knew this would happen! And we couldn't offer any better deals than that because she didn't have any information, she didn't have anything to trade!"

"Oh, tit-for-tat, of course. Do you think she was lying about that?"

"No. Jesus Christ. Why didn't I see this?"

"Well, too late now. We are on this train and it is steaming into the station."

...

When Kim returned to the waiting room, she saw that Skyler had dried her eyes and re-applied her makeup. She was now so composed she looked like a different person.

"You're so stoical in front of your family, aren't you?" Kim said.

Skyler nodded. "Is it sorted?"

"Yep."

"No-one can say anything?"

"Well there's no way of gagging a public gallery, or the press as individuals, but no media outlets will be permitted to publish or broadcast it. Either online or elsewhere."

"Thank you."

Kim nodded. "Come on. Marie's waiting in the lobby."

Skyler was the picture of calm as she walked along the corridor to the lobby, where she approached her sister, who was the opposite. The look on Marie's face threatened to break Skyler's cool exterior, and she attempted to defeat it by raising her hands and saying, "Don't worry, it's fine. I'm fine. As long as you don't tell Flynn."

Marie stepped forward and reached out, falling just short of touching her. She tried to speak but couldn't. Fat tears began to fall down her face.

"It's alright. It's ok." Skyler hugged her, comforted her.

Kim stepped forward. "Are you two gonna be ok?"

"Yeah." Skyler nodded. "Thank you, Kim."

Kim put a hand on Skyler's shoulder and squeezed it. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah."

Kim walked through the doors and out into the Albuquerque sun. Skyler watched her through the window as she held her sister, who was sobbing in the dark. She rubbed her back.

"It's not ok," Marie gulped. "How can it possibly be ok?"

"Because I'm still here and I'm ok."

Marie shook her head, pulling back to look her sister in the eyes. "You're not ok. You pretend you are but you're not."

Skyler sighed. "This is not the reason that I'm not."

"I just...I…"

"Please don't tell Flynn."

"I…"

"Marie? Please."

"Of course not. He'd probably blame himself even more than I am."

"What? No, wh-why on earth would it be your fault?"

"Because I left you with him! I knew you weren't right, and I just talked to him and trusted him and left you with him!" Marie's high heels teetered as she yelled and flailed.

"Shh shh. Come and sit down."

"I left you there!"

"You did not. You had no idea, and whose fault was that - that was my fault." Skyler lead Marie to a small couch and pulled her into it. "Don't worry about that, please."

"Like the time when you were yelling 'shut up!' at the car wash, I just left you with him! I took you home, and I talked to him and he gave me some bullshit about fucking Ted Beneke, and I just believed him and left! Why would I believe him?"

"Because he wasn't a bad guy all of the time! There were two sides to him - the other side was perfectly normal and reasonable and-"

"Oh my god, you are not defending him now. You-you are not, you're not! I… I'm gonna find his decomposing body, wherever the fuck it is, and I am going to smash it up with nunchucks and rip off whatever remains of his disgusting balls and stomp them into the dirt!"

In spite of everything, Skyler laughed.

"I'm serious."

"He was cremated."

"Then I will take his ashes and I will defecate on them. No, I'll pour them into a sewer!"

"You'd have to get past his mom for that." Skyler laughed again. "Thanks, Marie. I appreciate the laugh."

Skyler's laughter faded as she saw the utter anguish in her sister's eyes. "Don't worry, please. It was all over a long time ago, and it definitely wasn't your fault."

"When did…When…was it?"

"I-I don't…"

"After Gus Fring."

"Marie, I really don't wanna talk about it."

"Was it after you jumped in the pool and we took the kids and left you alone with him?"

"Marie, it…. It's my business and I really-"

"Yes."

"Why do you always do that? I don't answer something and you just pick an answer for me!"

"I just…" Marie closed her eyes. "I was so worried about you and I just left you there."

"Because you didn't think Walt was the problem! Why would you? Right? Well look, it wasn't just Walt who was the problem, it was both of us who were the problem. Now listen, it's time to pick up Holly, so are you ok to drive?"

"Y-you're not… blaming yourself for it, are you?"

"I blame myself for a lot of things."

"I know, and you need to give yourself a break, but you're not...y-you're not blaming yourself for being…raped?"

"Marie, I really don't wanna talk about it. Please, for the rest of our lives, please never mention this again."

"How can you blame yourself for that?"

"Oh, you did it again."

"I will get you a therapist and they will say that it was not your fault."

"Do you wanna help me with this? Do you?"

"Yes."

"Then you will please stop talking about it and don't talk about it ever again. With me or with anyone else. Apart from your therapist; you can talk about it with him, I'll give you permission for that. But nobody else _ever_."


	18. Chapter 18

After the third day of Skyler's testimony was over, she could barely see straight. As she walked along the corridor to the front of the courthouse, her feet were shuffling, her head was bowed, as it almost always was these days, and she could barely focus on what was in front of her. She knew that part of this was tiredness, but most of it was the searing mass of thoughts, memories, fears and regrets that were writhing around her mind.

"Skyler!" called Kim, catching her up. "You ok?"

"Yeah," Skyler replied breathily.

"I'm sorry that took so long. I wanted to be thorough, but Martin... he just wanted to break you. I think he thought if he kept you up there for as long as possible and spun his questions in enough different ways, that you'd contradict yourself. You didn't. Well done."

"Yes I did, everything I do is a contradiction!"

"No, it didn't come across that way. You did really well."

Skyler sighed. "That's the end, right?"

"In the morning we've got the phone call. I've been saving that 'till last."

"What phone call?"

"From when Walt called you after he took Holly."

Skyler's head fell back and she stumbled into the wall. "Oh."

"Are you gonna be ok to hear that?"

"Yeah. Yeah yeah."

"Are you sure? I don't know how much you remember - you might have blocked it out - but I listened to it recently and it's pretty confronting."

Skyler closed her eyes and breathed.

"Do you want me to ask permission for you not to be present?"

"I don't know, Kim, I can't think anymore. Do what you think is best."

Kim nodded. She was genuinely worried that Skyler might break down again like she had during Flynn's testimony, but the phone call was quite short, so she thought if Skyler did break down, it hopefully wouldn't necessitate another adjournment because there simply wasn't anything to interrupt. In that case, the phone call would end and the court would proceed, and Skyler might still be crying while the prosecutor was giving his closing argument, which Kim thought would be a wonderful distraction for the jury.

"I think it's better if you're in court for it."

Skyler nodded, her eyes closed.

Kim glanced along the corridor. "Marie's coming."

Skyler's eyes popped open and she stood up straight.

"Hey," said Marie, putting her hand on Skyler's shoulder. "Good job. You really gave that prosecutor a run for his money."

"That's what I was just saying," said Kim.

"So what are the chances then? Do you think she can get off?"

"I can't discuss that in a public place like this. Nobody knows what the verdict will be."

"But you must have an idea - I mean you've been through a lot of trials!"

"I have, and discussing it in the corridor could mess it all up."

Marie's mouth snapped shut.

"I'll see you in the morning."

"No wait, can we go into your office and discuss it? You have an idea, right?"

"I need a smoke," said Skyler, turning and almost running along the corridor to the door.

"I've told Skyler my thoughts," said Kim to Marie. "You can ask her. But the important thing to remember is that nobody knows what the verdict will be. I gotta run through my closing arguments, so I'll see you tomorrow." Kim turned and walked away.

"So when will -" Marie stopped short, realising she was gone already.

...

Skyler was leaning on a wall at the side of the courthouse, desperately puffing through her second cigarette. She was facing the wall, because she had had to run past the journalists gathered at the front of the courthouse and turn away from them as far as she could so that they couldn't photograph her. They could photograph her, of course. But somehow it didn't feel as bad if she could hide her face.

"There you are!" said Marie loudly, appearing at the corner of the building. "No, we're both not allowed to say anything, get away!" she said to the journalists.

Skyler didn't turn around as she lit a third cigarette.

Marie walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you alright?" She coughed. "Apart from giving us all lung cancer?"

"I'm fine. Don't you have to go and get Holly?"

"That's what you said yesterday."

"Nothing has changed since yesterday. You still have her four nights a week."

"I know, but you can come too. We missed you last night."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

Skyler didn't reply.

"Dr Jensen said we can both spend time with her together. She said we need to make memories now!"

"I am…" Skyler sighed, and took another puff of her cigarette. "I'm not capable of making anything other than bad memories right now, so I'm gonna go home."

"Come on. She'll cheer you up."

Skyler shook her head, blowing out another billowing stream of smoke.

"She always cheers you up!"

"No she doesn't. Now she just breaks my heart."

Tears sprang to Marie's eyes. She looked away and took an uncertain breath. "Kim said I should ask you what she thinks the verdict will be."

"What?"

"I asked her and she wouldn't tell me. But she said she told you."

"She doesn't know, Marie."

"But what does she think?"

Skyler shrugged.

"She said you did really well with your testimony. Which is true, I mean, there were several moments when you knocked that prosecutor asshole right out of the ballpark!"

Skyler finished her cigarette and stubbed it out on the wall of the courthouse. She turned and began walking towards her car.

Marie followed. "She thinks it's good, right?"

"Marie! There are journalists right there! And she doesn't know, and neither do I and neither do you: we don't know! My whole life is flying over a cliff and I don't know what's gonna happen next!"

"It'll be better than we thought. I know it'll be better than we thought at the start. I've been watching and listening to everything, and I just know that-"

Skyler spun around. "Marie! Stop."

"Just relax and enjoy yourself for once, it is not as bad as we thought!"

"You don't know that." Skyler quickened her pace.

"Well not for sure, not like 100%, but - Sky? Skyler!" Marie ran to catch up. "Well ok, how about this, ok. You know in movies and stuff when it's the night before a big battle or something and the characters are pretty sure they're gonna be killed the next day, so they just go out and party and have a good time, because you have to seize the moment, and they don't know what's gonna happen - maybe they'll survive and maybe they won't, but that night they just don't think about it! They let go and relax! Enjoy the time they have! You need to relax, Skyler, this trial has been so taxing on you - I can see it in your face, and your behaviour and everything about you - you are so stressed out and upset, and you need to let it go for a few hours! Come with us! We're gonna make lasagne!"

Skyler arrived at her car and turned. "Marie, I need you to listen to this really carefully, because it's so important. Please listen and please promise me that you will do this."

"Do what?"

"There will be times when my interests and Holly's interests conflict. When that happens, I want you to choose her."

Marie frowned. "Ok."

"No no no, it's not ok, it is absolute. You choose her. You fulfil her interests, her needs, not mine. Do you understand?"

"Of course, yeah."

"Promise me you'll do that."

"Well of course I'm gonna -"

"Promise me."

"Sure. I promise."

"Ok. Good. This is one of those times."

"What?"

"I cannot deal with her tonight."

Marie frowned. "But she's delightful!"

"I can't."

"What's wrong?"

"I gotta go." Skyler put her car key in the door and turned it.

"What do you mean it's not in her interest?"

Skyler opened the door and got in the car. Marie grabbed the door and held it open. "What do you mean? What do you mean by that?"

"I can't, I just… I can't push it down anymore."

"Push what down?"

Skyler closed her eyes and breathed.

"Everything that's upsetting you? You can't turn it off and make a happy face for Holly."

Skyler nodded.

"But you said that her interests conflict with yours, so it's not in her interests to see you upset, is that it?"

"Yeah."

"But it is in your interest to be with us."

Skyler fiddled with her keys on her lap.

"Because we can work around that - what if we just tell her you're sick and you go straight to bed? At my house, just so that you're not alone - I mean it's awful to be alone when you feel like crap! Or ok, here's another option, what if we call Flynn and get him to look after Holly, and you and I can hang out? It's good to talk about things but we don't have to, we can just watch a movie or something - I just think you need to relax! And yes I know, looking after a three-year-old is not relaxing, so…. Sky? You wanna do that?"

"I-I… No, I... I need to be alone."

"Are you alright? You look awful. You look worse than you did yesterday, which is surprising given what came out yesterday, what you had to talk about, but maybe you repressed it yesterday and then today it came back and-"

"Didn't I ask you never to talk about that again?"

"I'm not. I'm just saying that it's perfectly reasonable and understandable that you would feel terrible right now, and I just think it's better for you to be with family!"

Skyler raised a hand. "You just promised me that you would choose Holly over me."

"I know, but what if I take you to my house first, put you to bed, then I go and get her - I don't even have to tell her that you're there. Then she goes to bed at 7:30, and then -"

"Just go, Marie, please, I need you to go."

Tears formed in Marie's eyes again.

"And Holly needs you to pick her up now, not in an hour. It's already late."

Marie nodded and stood up. "Ok." She placed a hand on Skyler's shoulder. "Call me. If you need anything, just… call or text or…"

Skyler nodded and turned the ignition.


	19. Chapter 19

"Where's Mommy now?" asked Holly as Marie closed the story book and began tucking her into bed.

"She's at home."

"She's not in the jail now?"

"No."

"Are you gonna tell me when she goes there?"

"Yes. We'll tell you when that happens. Right now she's just at home because she wasn't feeling very well, and she had to go home and rest."

"If she's sick she needs someone looking after her."

"Well, I did offer to do that. But sometimes when people aren't feeling well, they just need to be by themselves and just be resting in their bed."

"But what if she wants something to eat or some lemonade?"

"She'll call me if she needs anything. I think what she really needs is to go to sleep. Just like you."

"What if she gets sick when she's in the jail?"

"They have a sick bay there. Like at day care. They take the people who are sick to the sick bay and they have a special nurse to look after them there."

"That's good."

"Yeah. Sleep time now, darling." Marie leaned forward and kissed Holly on the forehead, then stood and moved towards the door.

"Aunt Marie?"

Marie turned, one hand on the door frame.

"Can you tex Mommy and tell her I said goodnight and I hope she be better in the morning?"

Marie smiled. "I will. Thank you."

Marie walked to the living room and took out her phone. _Holly says goodnight and that she hopes you feel better in the morning. (I said you were sick.)_

Marie placed her phone on the arm of the sofa and pressed the "on" button on the TV remote. She scrolled through the channels for a couple of minutes and then her message tone went off.

_Tell her I'm sorry._

Marie frowned. _Sorry for what?_

_Everything._

_Holly doesn't think anything is your fault, because the vast majority of it isn't._

Marie continued scrolling through the channels until she found a travel documentary with some women doing a traditional dance in purple skirts. Her message tone went again.

_You know that's not true._

_Are you alright?_

_I'm sorry._

_I know you are. Look, you did some things and I know that. In fact, now I know absolutely all the details of them, and you were scared that once I knew that I would reject you because you think it was worse than it really was. You think you had more control than you really did. You think you had more choice than you really did. I know you think I don't know anything about it, but I do, and I can look at it a lot more objectively then you can. I've analysed the hell out of it, believe me._

The women in purple skirts disappeared and were replaced by a white man on a motorboat. Marie flipped through the channels again until she found an episode of _Friends_. It was _The One With the Blackout_. She hadn't seen it for ages, so she put the remote down and tried to relax. It seemed to be working because she laughed at some of the jokes. In the commercial break, she picked up her phone again. No messages.

_Are you ok?_ she texted.

The commercial break ended and Marie was entertained by Ross being attacked by a small ginger cat.

In the next commercial break, Marie checked her phone again. Still nothing. She put her phone back on the arm of the sofa and tapped her foot. "Stop it, Marie," she said to herself. She stood up, went to the kitchen and made herself a chamomile tea. She immediately regretted leaving her phone in the living room, but firmly told herself not to worry about it. Upon returning to the living room, she found that a new _Friends_ episode had started. Chandler's colleague was offering to set him up with a man.

Marie looked at her phone. Nothing there. She took a sip of her tea.

In the next commercial break, she texted again. _Skyler? You ok?_

She went back to watching the show, but found she couldn't concentrate at all. She had talked to Dave about this. In her last appointment before the trial began, he had advised her to prepare herself for all the things that the trial would dredge up. He said that all of the family were likely to be sad, scared, anxious or depressed about the things that came up. Marie thought those were all the ones that he listed. Skyler definitely seemed to be experiencing all of them. Oh, and angry! Angry was the other one he listed. They had all definitely had that.

Dave had warned her that all of these emotions would both be very difficult for her to feel herself, and also very difficult for her to see her family members suffering. Again. He had said that it might make them feel like it'd only just happened. Wow, things were really bad when it only just happened. Marie was glad they hadn't been mentioning Hank very much, otherwise she would definitely be more upset.

The episode ended and she picked up her phone and dialled. Skyler didn't answer her cell, so she called again on the home line, knowing that on that one at least she could leave a message Skyler would hear.

"Hey, could you pick up or call me or text me because I hate it when you don't respond to my texts. I mean I'm not trying to be controlling or anything, I'm just worried about you. You didn't seem right this afternoon. Skyler? Pick up. You don't have to say much to me, just pick up. You can just say I'm fine and then I'll go away. Well no actually I won't go away if I think you're lying about being fine. I don't know. I guess our lives are pretty crappy at the moment, again, thanks to Walt being a-"

The loud beeping in Marie's ear told her that the message limit had been reached. She put her phone down and looked at the coffee table, where she discovered her undrunk and now luke warm cup of tea. She picked it up and took a few measured sips from it.

She looked at her phone again. She fiddled with it. She dialled Skyler's home line again. A robotic voice told her, "The recipient's mailbox is full."

Marie sighed and drank her tea. She tried to watch _Friends_ again, which had now started another episode. Marie didn't find it funny at all.

Finally her message tone went, and she knocked the remote off the sofa in her eagerness to pick up her phone. She reached to pick up the remote as she opened the message.

_I killed him. I'm sorry._

Marie's hand froze an inch above the remote on the floor. Her mouth fell open. _What?_ she texted back. She leaned back on the sofa, the remote staying where it was on the floor. _No you didn't,_ she added quickly. _That's why they're not mentioning it in the trial, remember?_

Marie flicked her phone around and around on the arm of the sofa as she waited for a reply. The antics on the television became frustrating rather than amusing and she angrily turned it off. She called Skyler's cell. It went to voicemail. Marie cried out in frustration. "Skyler," she said brusquely, "I don't know where that came from but CSI investigated it, ok, and they found the name of the guy who did it - it wasn't you, it wasn't even Walt!" She sighed loudly. "It was horrible, and the way to deal with that is to talk about it, not send cryptic text messages! It's not even related to what's been going on in the court, so I don't know why you're even thinking about it! Please, just… Just forgive yourself, just… Alright, just call me, back, ok?" Marie hung up and rolled her eyes. Her message tone went.

_I'm fine. Sorry. Don't worry._

_Honey, you can't blame yourself. Hank wouldn't want that._

She tapped her foot on the floor again, thinking hard. She brought up a new message, to Flynn this time. _Where are you, honey? I might need your help with something._

Still no reply from Skyler. She dialled her cell again. No answer. She hung up angrily. Then a message came in.

_I'm fine,_ it said.

"No you're not," said Marie and stood up, dialling Flynn. When he answered, she could hear music.

"Hello?" Flynn said loudly.

"Hey honey, where are you? I need your help."

"Hang on, I can't hear you. J-just a moment." The music faded and Marie could hear the sound of Flynn's crutches moving. Then the sound stopped. "Oh, I got a text from you," Flynn said. "S-sorry, I only just saw it."

"That's fine, I only just sent it."

"What do you need help with?"

"Umm. I don't know. I'm probably overreacting. Where are you?"

"At a friend's place. I-I'll help if I can, w-what is it?"

"Oh, I'm just worried about your mom, I'm wondering if I should go over there. It's probably fine, it's not as if it's anything she hasn't said before."

"What did she say?"

"Oh, just her usual self-flagellating crap."

"Sounds like she's n-not ok. I'd offer to go over there but actually I umm, I…ha-had a couple drinks, so I probably sh-shouldn't drive. What if I phoned her?"

"Ok, yeah. See if you have better luck than me."

"Ok, I-I'll let you know. Bye."

"Thanks, honey."

Marie found that she had wandered to the kitchen. She put the phone on the counter and spun it around twice. Then she opened her messages and read through what Skyler had sent her again.

_Tell her I'm sorry._

_Sorry for what?_

_Everything._

_Holly doesn't think anything is your fault, because the vast majority of it isn't._

_You know that's not true._

_Are you alright?_

_I'm sorry._

…

_I killed him. I'm sorry._

_What? No you didn't. That's why they're not mentioning it in the trial, remember?_

_I'm fine. Sorry. Don't worry._

_Honey, you can't blame yourself. Hank wouldn't want that._

_I'm fine._

Marie had hoped re-reading this would make her feel better, but it had the opposite effect. "Shit," she said.

Her phone rang. It was Flynn.

"Sh-she's not answering," he said. "I sent her a text, but..."

"Yeah. Look I'm really sorry to mess up your night with your friends, but could you look after Holly for me, please? I need to go over there."

"I had th-tr-two beers and a…glass of whiskey."

"Can you take a cab over here? I'll drive you back in the morning." Marie winced. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, that's-that's fine. Just w-when you see Mom, don't tell her I was drinking."

"Deal."

"Ok, I-I don't know how long it will take, m-maybe half an hour?"

...

Marie walked up the dark pathway to her sister's apartment and knocked. When there was no answer, she turned Flynn's key in the lock and went inside. "Skyler?" she said softly, turning on the light in the living room. Seeing that her sister was not there, she very gently climbed the stairs to check the bedroom. Hopefully she was just asleep. The door of Skyler's bedroom was open, and Marie tiptoed in and shone the light from her phone on the bed. There was no-one in it. She turned on the bedroom light. Definitely no-one there. "Skyler?" she said, crossing the tiny hallway to Flynn's room. The door was shut, so she knocked and then quickly opened it. No-one in the bed. She turned the light on. No-one in the room. "Skyler?" she said louder, and went back down the stairs, taking her phone out of her pocket and dialling. Skyler's phone rang on the kitchen table. Marie walked towards it. Next to it were two empty bottles of wine. She picked one up and made a face. It was one of the cheapest wines on the market, and she knew that crap did not taste good.

Perhaps Skyler was having a smoke outside. Marie went to the back door and opened it. Nothing there. "Skyler? Where are you?" She stepped into the yard and looked all around it. When she looked back towards the building, she noticed that the bathroom light was on.

"Skyler? Are you in the bathroom?" Marie rushed back inside, as a reply finally came from her sister.

"No!" It was faint, then louder. "Yes!" Marie heard a scrabbling noise, then a faucet turned on. "I'm fine. Don't come in."

"Didn't you hear me? I was calling you. Sky? What's going on? Talk to me."

"I'm in the - the bathroom." Skyler's voice was faint. More scraping and shuffling sounds could be heard.

"You didn't - are you… are you using the bathroom or are you…? I'm coming in." Marie turned the door handle, and found it wasn't even locked. There was the sound of something metallic falling into the bath as Marie practically fell into the room and locked eyes with her sister, who was standing by the bathtub with her pants half pulled up and blood all over her hands and legs.

"Oh my god!" yelped Marie and rushed forward. Skyler finished pulling her pants up, did up the fly and sat heavily on the edge of the bath. Marie saw that behind her in the bottom of the bath was a knife, and blood mixed with water was going down the drain. "Jesus!" she screamed, and grabbed a towel from the towel rack. "No no no no no, please no!" She wrapped Skyler's arms in the towel and gripped them strongly. "Don't do this, no no no no no no no, please don't." She pushed both of Skyler's arms and the towel into her left hand and began desperately trying to extricate her phone from her pocket with her right.

"No I'm not. I'm not," said Skyler. She wrested one arm and then the other out of Marie's hand.

"No, don't! Don't, please!"

"I'm not!"

Marie's phone fell to the floor, and there was a crack as the battery fell out of it and skidded across the lino. "No!" she gasped. "No!"

"Marie, I am not trying to kill myself!" Skyler wiped her hands clean with the towel and held them up. "Look!"

Marie knelt on the floor, one hand holding her empty phone and the other still gripping the edge of the towel. She looked at Skyler's hands, her face white and her eyes wide with terror. This look switched to confusion as she leant forward, grabbed Skyler's arms and looked closely at the wrists. They weren't bleeding. There wasn't a scratch on them. The edge of Marie's phone case dug into Skyler's forearm as she stared at the wrists, then looked up and met Skyler's eyes.

Skyler couldn't say anything, her shallow breaths drawing in and out as her mind screamed.

Marie looked down again, lifted the towel and saw that Skyler's pants were red and wet. Skyler could feel blood dripping down the inside of her knees. "Oh," she said as she began to feel lightheaded.

"What's going on?"

"I'm...gonna fall." Skyler slid her body quickly from the edge of the bath to the toilet, and leaned back. Marie roughly undid Skyler's button and fly and pulled her pants down to the knees. There were thin red marks running across both thighs, with blood trickling out of them. Marie quickly grabbed the towel again and pushed down hard. Skyler leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. Marie looked up, her mouth open. "Sky! Can you hear me?"

"Yeah." Skyler opened her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"What the hell were you doing?"

Skyler closed her eyes again.

"Skyler!"

"It's just a coping mechanism."

"It's a w...what?"

"Coping mechanism," Skyler mumbled again.

"How much blood have you lost?"

"Not much."

"How long was this going on before I got here?"

"Not much. Not long. It's ok, I know where the arteries are, I didn't hit any."

Marie looked at the bath, where the faucet was still spewing out water. All traces of blood in the bathtub were now gone. Except for on the knife.

"So you did this deliberately. And you deliberately avoided the arteries. Is that what you're saying?"

"Yes, I'm not trying to kill myself."

Marie lifted the towel and saw that the bleeding had slowed. She pushed it back down again. "Do you feel faint?"

"Not from that. I don't think."

"I need to get you to the hospital."

"No no no. I don't need a hospital. Just push down on it for a bit more and it'll stop bleeding. I've got some butterfly plasters in the cabinet, and some gauze. It'll be fine."

Marie lifted the towel again, and then she saw it. On both of Skyler's legs there were thin snaking scars, the same length as the cuts, and going in the same direction. "You've done this before," she breathed.

"Once or twice. Only once or twice."

"A coping mechanism."

"Yeah."

"That is not ok."

Skyler took a shaky breath and put her hands on her sister's.

"That is not ok. Do not do that."

"I killed him."

"You didn't. No you didn't."

"I did."

"You wanna argue about this here or on the way to the hospital?"

"Jesse Pinkman came to our house. And he tipped gasoline everywhere and he tried to burn our house down. We weren't there. God knows what would've happened if we were there. What if the kids were there?" Skyler made a strangled gulping noise. "Oh my god."

"It's ok, the kids are fine."

"Where are they?"

"At my house. Both of them. They're fine."

"What if Pinkman…. what if Pinkman goes there?"

"He's not going to, he's long gone by now! Anyway, what would he want with the kids?"

"I don't know."

"I know you're scared of him, but I'm not. I met him and he just didn't come across as a...as a threat, you know? Well I suppose Walt didn't either, but…" Marie lifted the towel again. The bleeding seemed to have stopped. "Alright, hold that there," she said. "Sky? Put your hands there." Skyler obliged. Marie stood up and went to the medicine cabinet.

"He tried to burn down our house. We came home and the whole place stank of gasoline. Walt told some lie about it but I knew that wasn't true, and I asked him later and he told me the truth. About Pinkman. And I asked him if he was going to deal with it."

Marie, rummaging in the medicine cabinet, found the butterfly plasters. "Have you got some disinfectant? A liquid one might be better - a cream might stop the plasters sticking."

Skyler opened her eyes and pointed a shaky hand. "The top."

"Oh, there! Good." She grabbed the bottle and undid the cap. "Ok, lift up the towel. This is gonna hurt, but since you seem to want that it should be fine."

Skyler lifted the towel, and Marie tipped some disinfectant liberally onto a cotton bud and patted it over each of the cuts. Skyler winced and raised a hand to her forehead, tears seeping gradually from the corners of her eyes. Marie threw the towel in the corner and grabbed a clean one from the cupboard under the sink. She patted the liquid away gently, and then began putting butterfly plasters all the way along each of the three cuts. "This is only a temporary measure, by the way," she said. "I'm still taking you to the hospital."

"Walt said something like, 'I'll handle it' or 'I'll deal with it.' And I asked him if that meant he was gonna kill him. And he said no. He said no, he said Pinkman wasn't dangerous and he was just angry at something Walt had done. He said he just wanted to talk to him. But I told him to kill him."

Marie looked up.

"I said, 'We've come this far. What's one more?'"

Marie's hand wavered, holding a butterfly plaster above Skyler's leg.

"I said he's a threat to our family. He's a threat to our children. And I told Walt to kill him."

Marie breathed in, looked down and stuck the plaster. "Did you tell the DEA this?"

"No. I never told anyone. I never told anyone because it's proof that I'm not some victim that Walt told what to do, I'm an evil violent criminal and I….and I…" Skyler began to cry.

Marie continued sticking plasters, steadfastly looking down. "Pinkman's not dead. At least I don't think so."

"I'm a murderer."

"He's not dead, they found his fingerprints at Garden Park. That was like six months later."

"Pinkman's not dead. No."

"This is a pretty serious thing you're telling me here, Skyler. I might have to pass it on, FYI, because I don't conceal felonies - that is not a thing that I do."

"I know. I want you to tell them. I wanna be punished."

"Well he's not dead, so no crime was committed."

"I think what Walt did was he hired those guys, that gang. They were the ones who killed the ten people in jail for him before. They were his hired killers."

"He couldn't just kill Pinkman himself? Walt was violent enough for that."

"No, he didn't wanna kill Pinkman! I told him to! So I guess, I don't know, I guess he needed backup or he thought it was just easier to have someone else do it because he didn't want to do it!"

Marie stuck the last plaster down and looked up. She was beginning to see where this was going. She stood up and went to find the gauze, her movements much jerkier than they had been before.

"Pinkman was working with Hank, but Walt didn't know that. He wouldn't have gone to To'hajiilee if he'd known that. He would've been arrested. He knew he would've been arrested if Hank was there."

Marie gripped the edge of the sink, facing away from Skyler.

"Hank had Pinkman's phone and he buried a fake barrel of money in your backyard and texted the image to Walt from Pinkman's phone. Then Pinkman called him. Walt was talking to Pinkman when he ran out of the car wash. The DEA have the phone call - Hank made a recording of it on his phone. They found his phone in his grave and they found the recording. It's Walt talking to Pinkman - he doesn't know Hank is there."

Marie turned around. "Have you heard that recording?"

"No. They told me about it. They were asking me everything I knew and I didn't tell them I told Walt to kill Pinkman." Skyler raised her eyes slowly until they met Marie's. "So Walt thought Pinkman was taking his money, and he would do anything to defend his money. So he called those guys, those gang members, and he told them to go To'hajiilee."

Marie couldn't look away. She watched the tears gather in her sister's eyes as her voice rose.

"Walt called Jack Welker. He called him. They have the phone record. Not a recording of the call, but they know that it happened, from Walt's phone in To'hajiilee to Welker's phone. He called him in there. He called him there to kill Pinkman because I told him to. But...but Welker didn't kill Pinkman, he-he killed…." Skyler's voice went squeaky and cut off with a gasp. She clamped her blood-stained hands over her mouth.

"Hank," Marie finished.


	20. Chapter 20

Skyler gave a high-pitched squeal as her body began to shake with soundless sobs. Marie began to shake also, a shudder shooting through her entire body as she turned and stumbled through to the kitchen. Her hands fell heavily on the back of a dining chair as her shoulders hunched and her face spasmed. Skyler slid from the toilet onto the floor between it and the wall, her body curling up tightly, her face between her knees and her hands gripping the back of her neck and she rocked and wailed. Marie made some truncated gasping and wailing sounds. They remained like that for some time.

Skyler's phone rang. It was still sitting on the kitchen table, and the sudden light and vibration made Marie jump. She looked at it. "Flynn," said the screen. Her face spasmed again. She looked at it for another moment, then quickly picked it up. "Hi."

"Mom?"

"No."

"Aunt Marie. Y-your phone is off. What's happening?"

"It's ok, I'm dealing with it."

"Dealing with…what? Is Mom ok?"

"Don't worry."

Marie hung up the phone and threw it back onto the table. She sat heavily on the chair and breathed in and out. She could still hear her sister wailing in the bathroom. She closed her eyes.

She had to call someone. Who would she call? Ramey? Remembering that her phone was still broken on the floor of the bathroom, Marie winced and turned around. She really didn't want to go back in there. She turned back to the table. The screen of Skyler's phone was still lit up. She grabbed it and pressed a button. Flynn's phone call had unlocked it. Opening the contacts, she scrolled down to the entry marked "Kim Wexler". Her finger hovered over the green call button. Then she clicked on the message button.

_Hi Kim. Marie Schrader here on Skyler's phone. If you are awake or available please give me a call ASAP. I was worried about Skyler tonight so I came around and found her self-harming. Then she told me that she told Walt to kill Jesse Pinkman and Walt hired a gang of killers to do it. He called them to To'hajiilee because Pinkman was there. They murdered my husband and Steve Gomez instead. Skyler says that's her fault. I need to take this to the DEA._

She hit send and threw the phone back on the table. Her right heel began bouncing up and down in a rising crescendo that made the whole house shake. She listened to it. Skyler hiccupped.

Skyler's message tone went off and the screen lit up. It was a message from Flynn. _What's going on?_ it said. Marie didn't open it.

Then the phone rang again. Marie looked at the screen and saw it was Kim. She picked it up, stood and walked into the living room. "Hello?"

"Marie?"

"Yeah."

"Where's Skyler? Is she ok?"

"She's indisposed."

"You said she hurt herself."

"Yeah. I patched her up."

"Are you ok?"

"No. Not at all." Marie shook her head and began pacing the living room.

"Tell me what she said to you exactly."

"She said that Jesse Pinkman tried to burn down their house because he was angry with Walt. I didn't know about that. Did you know about that?"

"Yeah, I… I think I read it in one of Skyler's interviews."

"I didn't know that." Marie looked shocked. "She said that she was afraid he was a threat to the children so she told Walt to kill him. And Walt hired Jack Welker and his gang of assholes to do it, except they didn't kill Pinkman, they killed Hank." Marie put her hand over her mouth and closed her eyes. She breathed in and out. In and out.

"What do you plan to do about this?"

"I don't know! I don't know why I'm calling the defence lawyer! I should be calling the DEA! Why am I calling you?"

"I can help. I can help both of you. Where are you?"

"Skyler's place."

"Ok. Sit tight. I'm on my way. Does she err...does she need medical attention?"

"I don't know," Marie spat.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Just sit tight."

Marie had no sooner hung up the phone than it rang again. There were now three unopened texts from Flynn on the phone. She reluctantly hit the answer button.

"What is going on? Aunt Marie? Y-you are not gonna do this to me, y-you are not keeping me in the dark again!"

"I'll tell you later. It's complicated."

"Don't say that! I'm an adult now, y-you do not get to tell me that it's...complicated!"

"I am dealing with it."

"Is Mom ok?"

Marie remembered with a jolt that she had left the knife in the bathroom. Her heart jumping into her throat, she power walked to the bathroom door and looked in. Skyler was still curled up between the toilet and the wall. She wasn't making any noises anymore. Marie looked at the bathtub. The knife was still there. She quickly moved to grab it and to grab her phone and its battery off the floor.

"Aunt Marie? Just tell me what's happening!"

"Yep. I just checked on her. She's fine."

"Are you still at our house? You're not in the h-hospital or…. You would tell me if she was i-in the hospital, right?"

"She's not in the hospital."

"Then why do you sound so w-weird? And why is your phone off?"

"I'm just fixing it now." Marie sat at the kitchen table and pressed the battery back into her phone. "It fell on the floor and the battery came out."

"When? I texted you and called you l-like three times before I…tried to call Mom!"

"There. I have just turned my phone back on. It's fine."

"Ok. Now tell me what's happening!"

"Flynn. I am dealing with it."

Hearing his name, Skyler started to wail again.

"That's good, but it's n-not fun for me to be here by myself not…knowing what's going on! Just do-do me the courtesy of telling me!"

Marie hunched forward at the table, running her hands across her forehead.

"What's that noise? Aunt Marie?"

Marie breathed in and out.

"I-is that Mom?"

"No," Marie lied. "It's something outside. Look, I gotta go."

"You sound really weird! I'm worried!"

"Look Flynn, I need you to respect the division of labour here, ok? Your job is to look after _your_ sister. Just leave me with mine. Believe me, you have got the better end of the deal."

"Are you ok?"

"Ask me tomorrow. I gotta go."

Marie hung up the phone and looked towards the bathroom. Skyler had stopped wailing and gone back to quiet sobbing again. Marie put her arms on the table and buried her face in her elbow.

Twenty long and quiet minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Marie stood up and glanced into the bathroom. Skyler still hadn't moved. Marie went to the door and answered it. It was Kim and a stout middle-aged woman with red hair. "This is Heather," said Kim as the two stepped into the apartment. "She's a nurse friend of mine. Heather, this is Marie."

"Hi Marie," said Heather, holding out her hand. Marie took it. "Where's your sister?" She spoke with a British accent.

"In the bathroom. She's got three cuts on her thighs, about this long." Marie held up her fingers to show her. "I patched them up with butterfly plasters and antiseptic."

"What were the cuts made with?"

"Kitchen knife. It's in the sink if you wanna see. Kitchen sink."

"Ok."

Marie gestured to show her where the kitchen and bathroom was. Heather looked like she expected Marie to go with her, but Marie remained rooted to the spot and looking down. With a glance at Kim, Heather moved off by herself.

"Are you ok?" asked Kim.

Marie slowly shook her head. "I'm more ok than she is, though."

Kim nodded. "Self-guilt is… It can destroy you. If you let it."

"She said she wants to be punished."

Kim nodded again.

"Sorry. You were doing so well."

"Are you up to answering a couple questions?"

"Sure. Looks like we'll be stuck here all night, so we might as well have something to talk about."

Kim rested her briefcase on the arm of the sofa and took out a notebook. "Can I ask you what happened exactly tonight?"

Marie gave a long sigh. "I came by because I was worried. She wasn't answering her phone. And I went all over this place calling for her and she didn't answer that either. Eventually I realised the bathroom light was on. And she was in there with quite a bit of blood." Marie fell into the sofa.

Kim took a more measured seat next to her. "And she…she just told you, just like that, or….?"

"Well earlier she'd sent me a text saying, 'I killed him. I'm sorry.' I brushed it off. Told her it wasn't true. That was when I really knew she wasn't ok, I mean I suspected it earlier - she wasn't right after court this afternoon either. Anyway, then she stopped replying or answering the phone, so I came over. And yeah, it was pretty much just like that, I suppose - I mean first I was freaking out about her physical injuries because at first I thought she was cutting her wrists, so once I'd stopped freaking out about that, I figured out it was her legs and I held this towel down over the cuts to stop them from bleeding. Then I started fixing her up with the butterfly plasters and stuff. She told me while I was doing that."

"What did she say?"

"Pinkman tried to burn down their house. She was scared. She told Walt to kill him. He said no. He didn't want to. So she thinks she convinced him to or something. And then she thinks he hired Jack Welker and his gang."

"She thinks? She doesn't know?"

"No. She mentioned a couple pieces of evidence the DEA have, the phone call between Walt and Pinkman when Walt was on his way to To'hajiilee, so Skyler said he thought only Pinkman was there so he called these people that he had hired to kill Pinkman. Then she said the DEA have a record of that phone call, but not what was in it, just that it happened. Well of course we know that happened - we know Walt called them there. Why else would they've been there? So the question becomes, why else would he have called them? Could there be another reason, what do you think?"

"I don't know. But I know that conjecture has no place in criminal prosecution."

"Does that mean she can't be tried with it?"

"Not sure. They'll have to investigate it… and they'll have to assess whether it has a bearing on the evidence that's already been presented or not. They decide it doesn't, they might finish this trial off and start another one later. If they decide it does, they'll throw everything out and start from scratch."

"Ugh."

"Yeah. Definitely the most challenging pro-bono case I've ever done."

"Oh god, I'm sorry, I called you out here at nearly midnight and you're not even getting paid!"

"Oh, that's ok. I was just sitting in my motel room doing nothing."

"Oh god. You have to pay for a motel as well? Because you know we could do that - my nephew came into some money and-"

Kim nodded. "He's paying for it now. He offered me that and I accepted. He said I'm not to tell Skyler though. He offered to pay me for my time as well, but I have a budget for pro bono stuff. It's basically a tax write off." Kim yawned. "And if I can get a good result for Skyler I'll never have to advertise again. That looks less likely now."

"You think you bit off more than you could chew with her?"

"Oh no, I can handle it. What I'll do is I'll speak to the judge in the morning, she'll probably call an adjournment straight away. She'll advise me to tell the Prosecution and the DEA, who'll want Skyler to make a formal statement. Possibly you as well. And they will wanna jump on it pretty quickly, so that will happen tomorrow. And then they'll have to decide what to do about the charges."

"Do you think they will? Charge her with it?"

"How would you feel if they did?"

"Umm." Marie looked down, and then back in the direction of the bathroom. Kim watched her closely.

"I don't know. I… Not good. Definitely not good, but… everything I thought I knew has just been thrown up in the air again, so... I don't know what to think. Why would she say this now, anyway? The trial's nearly over!"

"That's exactly why. The trial's been going well, and I've been telling her so. I made sure that your husband's death wasn't even mentioned, because... Well and I stand by that, because she still wasn't involved in his death, she wasn't. There is nothing she could possibly be charged with that would connect her to that. You can't charge someone with stealing a necklace because they asked someone else to steal a watch, and then that person asked someone else to steal the watch and then that third person of their own volition stole a necklace instead. Even if the second person told them to steal the necklace, you still couldn't charge the first person with it if all they said was, 'Go steal a watch.'"

"Yeah. Yeah, I...I did think that."

"So legally there is no basis for her to be considered at fault for your husband's death. What is going on with her tonight is her own personal feelings of guilt about it. Which can be really hard to deal with, but I want you to understand that just because she blames herself does _not_ mean she was at fault."

Marie looked at Kim with wide eyes, uncharacteristically at a loss for words. "Go on," she said.

"Skyler is suffering from crippling self-guilt - that was obvious to me from the start. I've been trying to coax her away from it, because obviously I can't do my job properly if she stands up in front of the court and says, 'It was all my fault, Your Honour.' There are a lot of things that weren't her fault that she blames herself for. This one has obviously been pressing on her and tonight it tumbled out, but her wanting to be punished for it doesn't mean she's actually guilty." Kim paused, still studying Marie's face. "Do see what I mean?"

"Yeah." Marie nodded. "Yeah. Sh-she… she just had a conversation with Walt one time. What he did with it is not…. And if the third person went and did something completely different, that's-that's not…."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Y-yeah, but it's still… it's killing somebody. Even if it wasn't Hank - I know she never meant any harm to Hank, but it's still, it's…"

"Someone who tried to burn down her house. I bet she was terrified. People lash out when they're afraid. Especially when they have to protect their children."

Marie took a long breath, her foot tapping on the floor. She looked in the direction of the bathroom again. "That nurse is taking a while."

Kim walked over to the edge of the kitchen. "The door's closed," she said, turning back and taking a seat on the sofa. "So how would you feel. What would you think ... if the whole trial up to this point was thrown out, and then there was another delay while more evidence surrounding this confession was gathered, and the entire trial was done again with it overlying everything. With one conversation that Skyler had with Walt when someone had just attacked her home and tried to burn it down, right at the end of the piece, after she'd been a prisoner in her own home for months and months, after she'd been made to do all sorts of other things she blames herself for, after she'd been raped… If one conversation she had right at the end, when she was absolutely at her limit, was superimposed back over everything else that happened. If every lie she was told, everything she was conned into doing, everything she was made to do, every time she was afraid and all the evidence of that was presented behind a preamble saying, 'This woman ordered a murder.' What do you think would happen if that was superimposed over everything went before? What would a jury would make of that? Compared to what they would make of the way I've presented everything up until now, and then right at the end she's reached her limit again and she's collapsed and she's really not well, and her own self-guilt got the better of her and this just tumbled out. She herself has superimposed her self-guilt over everything she feels about it; it clouds her head, she can't see it clearly. I've argued with her about it several times. She thinks she's guilty of so much more than she is."

"I know."

"Marie. Skyler is not even close to having anything to do with the death of your husband."

Marie leaned back on the sofa, a solitary tear rolling down her cheek. "Do you, um… You… It's your job to make arguments about this stuff. Not only this now, I mean everything you've said throughout the trial, and the way you've said it and the witnesses you've chosen. You have to ram the same message home over and over again, that she's not guilty. Do you believe it?"

"Yeah. Absolutely. You're right, it is my job to argue that, and I have had several clients where I did not believe they weren't guilty - I've even had some who told me outright that they were guilty, but they still wanted me to try and prove that they weren't - and if they want me to do that, I'm not allowed to refuse! I've argued black and blue things I didn't believe, and I've done a good job of it. But Skyler I do believe. I chose her. I'd been watching the case for a while, I'd read everything I could about it, and all the facts that were there, and everything she was quoted as saying, and every look she wore in every photograph said this is a woman who was conned into doing something by someone else, and if she doesn't have a good defence, she'll be the scapegoat for all of it. For a range of horrible crimes that someone else did, not her. But she would've accepted that. In her mind, she is guilty of all of it - she's told me so several times. And she's told me marginally more than she's told the authorities, because she's very astute and she knows she is meant to defend herself, she knows she's not meant to roll over and accept everything they throw at her. But there's another part of her, the part that's controlled by her self-guilt, that thinks that she should. Most of the time she's a cool cat - if her intellect is in control then she's keeping everything close to her chest and she's defending herself. But if emotion takes over, all that collapses and…"

The bathroom door clicked open and Heather appeared. She walked straight to the kitchen sink, filled the kettle and put it on the stove. Marie jumped up and walked over to her. She wanted to ask her something, but she had no idea what.

"Hi Marie," said Heather kindly. "I'm just making Skyler a cup of tea to warm her up. And a hot water bottle. She's a bit cold - would you be able to go up to her room and see if you can find a sweater or a nice warm dressing gown? I've got her wrapped in towels at the moment."

"Ok," Marie nodded, her eyes filling with tears again.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm… is Skyler ok?"

"We've come a long way so far." Heather gave a half smile, and then turned back to the kettle. Marie walked slowly to the stairs.

Kim joined Heather in the kitchen. "Is she lucid?" she whispered. "I'd like to talk to her, but I... I can't really advise her if she's…"

"She's not in a good way, Kim. Really not at all."

"What if I tell her something that might help her calm down?"

"What sort of something?"

"That I don't think they could charge her with it. They couldn't prove it. There's just her word and _her_ conjecture. It might not even be true."

"So, something that would help her case."

"Yeah."

"She is very determined to be blamed and punished for everything. So I don't think that's the sort of something that would help right now."

Marie reappeared with a thick sweater, a pair of flannelette pyjama pants, a blanket and some slippers.

"Thank you, Marie," said Heather. "Would you like to take them in to her?"

Marie took a breath, then nodded. She stepped falteringly towards the bathroom door.

"And would you like a cup of tea?"

Marie turned. "Yeah, c...chamomile."

Heather smiled. "That's what Skyler wants too. Good choice."

Marie pushed the half open bathroom door and braced herself. Skyler was sitting on the floor under the window with two towels wrapped around her shoulders and another around her feet. She looked up, and froze like a deer in the headlights.

"Here," said Marie, handing Skyler the sweater and then sitting down opposite her holding the slippers, blanket and pyjamas. Skyler stared at her.

"Put it on," said Marie.

Skyler gingerly removed the towels and pulled on the sweater.

"Are your pants wet?"

Skyler continued to stare at Marie, her body beginning to shiver. Marie handed her the blanket. "Your pants are wet, right? You wanna swap them with these?" She held up the pyjama pants.

"You're not."

"Not what?"

"Y-you're not, you're not…after what I told you, you're not still being nice to me?"

"I wouldn't say that. I'm just trying to make sure you don't freeze to death."

Skyler slowly pulled the blanket around her body and up over her head. She pulled her arms in close to her chest.

"Swap your pants. Your whole body is cold if your legs are cold."

Skyler slowly shuffled into a kneeling position, and then stood. When she had got one pant leg all the way down, she almost fell over because the other leg was shaking too much to support her weight. Marie jumped up and grabbed her arm. The two of them worked together to remove Skyler's blood-soaked pants and put on the rainbow-adorned pyjama pants in their place. "Tea's ready, ladies!" called Heather from the kitchen.

Marie threw Skyler's slippers in front of her feet. She stepped into them, and the two of them shuffled slowly into the kitchen.

"It's much warmer in here than in the bathroom!" Heather announced. She handed Skyler and Marie a mug each. "I tried to make it not too hot, so you can wrap your hands around it." She looked inquiringly at Skyler. "Do you want to sit down? Or would you rather go to bed?"

Skyler looked uneasily between the two other people in the room.

"I'm going to tell them just a couple of the things that you said to me. Or I can tell just one of them if you'd rather the other one didn't hear. I can tell them in front of you or away from you, it's up to you. But I don't want you to be left alone tonight, so I need at least one person to stay with you who knows what's happening. Are you ok with that being one of these two?"

"Wow, she's good," said Marie to Kim. Kim nodded.

Skyler nodded gingerly, her fingers moving up and down the handle of her mug. "I'll go to bed," she said.

"Ok. Oh wait, here's your hot water bottle."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Thank you," Skyler said again. She turned and shuffled towards the stairs.

Kim and Marie watched her. Heather looked at them. "Would you like to sit down on that lovely sofa over there?"

Kim walked purposefully to the sofa. Marie finished watching Skyler disappear up the stairs and then shuffled to the sofa slowly. Heather picked up one of the kitchen chairs and placed it in front of them.

"I'll stay with her," said Marie.

"Thank you," said Heather. "I'm going to recommend that you stay in the same room with her. I would rate her risk of suicide as high."

Marie's heart began pounding. "Did she say that?"

"She said that the only reason she hasn't done so already is her daughter."


	21. Chapter 21

Skyler was pulled from a dark and tortured sleep by the sound of her phone ringing. It was plugged into the charger next to her bed. She didn't remember putting it there. "Kim Wexler," said the flashing screen. She hastily unplugged the phone and answered it, in doing so moving her legs and feeling first a sharp pain in her left thigh where it came into contact with her right, and second her left foot touching something in the bed next to her. Turning as she answered the phone, she saw her sister lying beside her. She was facing away, so all Skyler could see was her tousled hair.

"Hi Skyler," said Kim. "How are you feeling?"

"Not sure yet."

"Fair enough. The court case has been adjourned for today at least. The DEA understandably wanna talk to you quite urgently, but last night Heather said that you can get a medical certificate to delay that. She said she would've written one if she could but she's not a doctor. I think you should see a doctor either way today, so please forgive me for stepping out of my job title, but I've booked you an appointment. I have your doctor's details from your previous medical certificate. They have a cancellation at 10:30."

Kim stopped talking, and realised that Skyler had been silent for some time. "I'm sorry, I'm not... I don't mean to intrude, and obviously it's your choice. I called them just because I wanted to help you out. Obviously it's up to you."

"I wanna talk to the DEA."

"Do you mean today, or...?"

"Yeah."

"Because the thing is that... you… you need to be of sound mind when you do that. It's in your interests that you can speak clearly and coherently and as much as possible without emotion, because emotion can lead you to say things you'll regret."

"Do I sound coherent now?"

"I don't mean to say that you're not, it's just that… Look, how about you and I meet up first - we need to do that anyway, I need to give you legal advice on this. So perhaps you can tell me what exactly it is that you wanna confess to, just tell me the whole story, and see how you feel when you do that."

Skyler lay back down and looked at the ceiling with vacant eyes.

"Is… is that ok? Either way I need to give you legal advice on this pretty soon. I could drive you to the doctor's if that helps, and then we could... talk about it."

"Ok."

On the other side of the bed, Marie's phone rang. There was no bedside table on that side, so she reached her arm out of the covers and picked it up off the floor. It was Flynn.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi. Are-are you gonna talk to me this morning?"

"I can't right now, but yes. I will."

"Ok. When are you coming back? I-I have to be in class at 11."

"What's the time now?"

"8:45."

"Oh, sorry, I only just woke up. Did Holly get up ok?"

"Yeah. At 6:30 in the morning. Don't-don't worry, I'm used to it."

"Thanks, honey. Is she ok?"

"Yeah. She m-misses Mom."

"Yeah. Ok. Well I'm not sure what time I'll be there exactly, but we'll have you in class by 11, don't worry."

"Ok. S-see you soon."

"Thanks, honey. Bye."

Marie hung up the phone and dropped it back on the floor. She looked back at Skyler, who was lying on her back watching Marie with longing in her eyes.

"Sorry, did you wanna talk to him?" Marie said.

Skyler slowly shook her head. "I don't know what I would say."

Marie nodded and rubbed her eyes.

"What are you doing here?"

"Nurse said you're a suicide risk."

Silence.

"No reply. Ok."

"No I don't, I don't... last night as well, it's not... It's not like I want to, it's just... just sometimes I lose control."

Marie grunted.

They both lay watching the ceiling for three full minutes.

"You said you talked to Walt about it and then... and then what happened? Did he tell you?"

"No. I never heard anything more about it. Until Agent Martinez started asking me about Walt's relationship with Pinkman and why it might have deteriorated, and whether he might have wanted to have him killed."

"You told Walt that you wanted him to kill Pinkman, and then you didn't hear anything more about it?"

"No."

"You didn't ask him?"

"I learnt not to ask Walt things."

"Well it's a bit of a stretch, then, isn't it? To assume that that's the reason Walt called those guys to To'hajiilee? To assume he even hired them for that in the first place?"

"Why else would he have called them there?"

"I don't know, backup?"

"You can't explain it away, Marie. Believe me, I've tried."

...

Marie could hear the child's excited squeals before she'd even put the key in the lock. Her heart lifted, until she heard Holly yell, "Mommy!"

She held the door for a moment and braced herself for the look of disappointment that would inevitably appear on the child's face when she realised Marie wasn't who she was looking for.

She opened the door, and there it was. Holly strained her neck a little to look behind Marie to see if Skyler was there, and, seeing that she wasn't, her face fell.

"I'm not that bad, am I, Holly?" she said, putting on a fake smile.

"Where's Mommy?"

"She's gone to see the doctor. You can see her later."

"Oh, ok." Holly raised her arms in anticipation of a hug.

"Oh, thank you, darling, I would love a hug." Marie picked the child up and held her tight.

Flynn appeared in the hallway, a serious look on his face.

"Thank you so much, honey," said Marie, stepping forward and kissing him on the cheek. "I'll get you to college very soon - I just wanna have a shower and get out of these clothes."

Flynn stayed where he was as Marie placed Holly down next to him and walked to her bedroom. "You're gonna talk to me, right?" he called after her.

...

Skyler sat next to Kim in the DEA interview room, her back straight, her heart hammering, her face plastered on and looking just slightly not right. Perhaps the lipstick was a little wonky, or perhaps there was some missing mascara. It wasn't clear what it was, but something didn't look right.

Agent Martinez stepped into the room, followed by ASAC Hoffman. Great, Skyler thought. My least favourite one.

The two agents sat down in the chairs opposite and Agent Martinez pressed record on the video camera.

ASAC Hoffman spoke. "What do you have to tell us, Mrs White?"

...

"Oh Jesus, what a damn let down!" exclaimed Hoffman, loosening his tie as he stepped into the DEA open office.

"No," said Martinez. "We can run with this."

"Attorney's office won't buy it. Hell, the DEA won't buy it!" Hoffman turned to the collection of agents who had been watching the interview from the other side of the glass. "What _was_ that?"

"God dammit," said Agent Thompson, collapsing into his desk.

"There's always APD," said Martinez.

"What about APD? This is a federal case."

"File a separate state case against her."

"For Pinkman, you mean?"

"Yeah."

"What proof do we have of that?"

"The signed confession we just took from a known felon!"

Hoffman shrugged. "We'll see what Viney says." He sighed and disappeared into his office.

"Alright, everybody stop what you're doing!" said Martinez to the office at large. "I want you all to exercise your brains as hard as possible on the following three things: 1, where the hell is Pinkman? 2, what other state or city laws might Skyler White be guilty of breaking? 3, how can we prove the theory that Walter White hired Jack Welker and his band of merry men to murder Pinkman OR any connection between them and Skyler or Skyler and Pinkman, or any proof of the conversation between Walter and Skyler, or… oh Jesus, he's right, isn't he? Ah…. Number 2, go with number 2, everyone! What other state crimes might Skyler White be guilty of? Go!" He waved an encouraging hand at the gathered agents and disappeared into his own office, frowning.

...

"You know what I think you should see this as?" said Kim, handing Skyler a take-out coffee as she sat down next to her on a park bench opposite Kim's motel.

Skyler blew out some smoke and turned to face her.

"A chance to spend more time with your family. I know it sounds insensitive, but hear me out."

"You are anything but insensitive, Kim. The only lawyer I have ever met who isn't insensitive."

Kim laughed. "There are a few of us who aren't. Granted, not many, but. I think I used the wrong word there, I meant misunderstanding, like I say spend more time with your family and you say what are you kidding me, my brain is exploding with worries about my future and guilt about my past, how can I possibly interact with my family when I feel like absolute shit inside?"

Skyler nodded.

"Well, I think you should give it a try. You just got an extra day off the court case, and a weekend attached to it. Perhaps one day in court next week and then let's face it, the jury is gonna take at least four days, which means you get another weekend. Spend it with your kids. Relax. Do fun things together. Distract yourself. You deserve it, but more than that, you really need it. You're falling apart because the last three weeks have been hell. It's a perfectly natural reaction. Your doctor said that, right?"

"Yeah."

"You've been through hell the last three weeks. And before. The body's way of recovering from hell is to take a damn break. You've got the better part of a week - more than a week - to do that. First couple days, you lie in your bed or on the sofa watching chick flicks and eating chocolate. Then once you feel like you brain can function again and your eyes will actually stay open if you go out into the world, go and do something fun with the kids. Fun Park. Tramway. Family holiday in a cabin in the woods within the bounds of Bernalillo County?"

Skyler gave a sad smile.

"Do it. I'm serious. For now, you have your freedom. You probably have to be in court on Monday, but I doubt that will be for very long. Then the jury will retire, and as long as you can be called back within two hours when they reach a verdict, you can go wherever you want. Take your family with you and enjoy yourself."

"What if they wanna add the new evidence on? Won't that take longer?"

Kim shook her head. "They won't. The judge won't agree to it."

"Are you sure?"

"Well like I said before, the only evidence is your word, and all you did was have one conversation with Walt about it. You didn't talk about how he would do it or who he would get to do it or if he would even involve a third party. He did not report back to you at all. So the only proof that you told him to kill Pinkman is in your evidence that you've given, but there is no proof that he hired that gang to do it or that that's the reason he called them to To'hajiilee because you're only guessing that. At the same time, there _is_ evidence that Pinkman is still alive, or at least that he was six months after that; seven months if you believe that guy who said he saw him in Mexico. Your own personal feelings of guilt are very strong, I know, and as a result, you are already punishing yourself severely. But legally, any judge worth their salt is gonna throw this straight out. Stephens definitely will. The DEA or APD may wish to pursue a separate case, but they would require more evidence to do so."

Skyler frowned and fiddled with her coffee cup.

"Your own sense of guilt is very strong, I know. On this and many other things. But you might wanna consider what you have actually been charged with and what evidence has been presented against you, and what hasn't. And the reason that it hasn't. And just consider that the reason that it hasn't is that it's not your fault."


	22. Chapter 22

"Are you kidding me?" said Judge Stephens, tucking into a large meatball sub at her desk.

"Both the federal and district attorney's office said there's not enough evidence for a separate trial on this," said Prosecutor Martin. "Which means we have to put it in this one."

"You don't have to put it anywhere. I decide what gets put in my court!"

"The defendant wants it to be presented. She has volunteered this information. Put her back on the stand; the Defence can open it, I'll cross-examine."

"We are presently in the Defence portion of the trial, Mr Martin. It is not time to present new evidence. The deadline for the evidence list passed months ago!"

"The Defence wants to do it!"

"The Defence wants to do it or the defendant wants to do it? Kim Wexler is a very intelligent operator - she could talk her way out of this in thirty seconds flat, but she won't need to because she won't bring it! She won't present it! The one who allegedly does, as you say, want to present it is the defendant herself, through some misplaced, misappropriate, misadventurous and thoroughly _unhinged_ sense of guilt for her widowed sister. The only chance she'll have to present it is if she shouts it out in the middle of the closing speeches! Which if she does, I'll call her out of order and adjourn immediately! She won't get a chance to say it!"

"She was just on the stand yesterday! We just need to extend her time on the stand!"

"She took the stand, she was examined, cross-examined and re-examined. That's it. Over."

"The jury have a right to hear this new evidence!"

"It isn't evidence! It's a conversation! It's not even a conspiracy, it's not even an order, and the target isn't even dead! Why are you still here?"

"I just think justice would be better served-"

"Justice would be better served in you not ruining a three week-long trial by confusing the jury so much they won't be able to arrive at a decision! Do you wanna throw everything out and have to start it all again with twelve new jurors?"

Martin shrugged and looked hopeful.

"You do? Jesus Christ! You had your chance. The facts won't change a second time. Next time try the organ grinder, not the monkey! Get out of my office, I'm trying to eat my lunch."

...

"Mommy Mommy Mommy!"

"Oh, my darling. Oh, I've missed you so much." Skyler sniffed her daughter's hair and leaned into her like she was water in the desert. She knelt awkwardly on the cold floor of Marie's hallway and just held on.

Finally, Holly pulled back. "How do you feel, Mommy? Still yucky?"

"Ah…yeah."

"Can I play doctors with you?"

"Ok."

Holly placed a hand on Skyler's forehead and frowned in concentration. "I don't think you have a tempachure. But you need lots of rest and lemonade."

Skyler gave a half smile, her eyes in it at this time. "Yeah. That'd be good."

"Ok, come on!" Holly took Skyler's hand and began to lead her along the hallway. "Nurse! Nurse! Where are you?"

Marie appeared at the edge of the kitchen, a look of apprehension on her face. Skyler avoided her eyes.

"There you are, nurse! Can you bring us some lemonade please? We're going to rest. Come on, patient!" Holly led Skyler back along the hallway in the other direction. "You can use my bed. Do doctors get to sleep with their patients sometimes?"

"No, not really."

"Just like a nap?"

"Normally doctors don't do that; little girls can take naps with their mommies, though."

"Ok, yeah, that'll be good cos I haven't had my nap today."

...

Flynn looked at his coffee, and then at his aunt and then back at his coffee. "Wow," he said quietly. "N-no wonder she feels so bad."

Marie gave a barely perceptible nod.

"Poor her." He gave a long sigh and fiddled with his hands. "So…h-how did you leave things?"

"She just really wasn't well. So I stayed over just because I was worried about her. And I've been here before, being worried about her at the same time as being mad at her, but I forgot how hard it was. I just don't know what to do because… because how can I just let that go, I just…"

"Yeah."

"I've been through all this before. I don't wanna do it again, it was hard enough the first time! What if I can't do it again?"

"You mean…b-being mad at her?"

"I mean her being culpable for Hank's death! Before, I just talked myself out of it over time, I just – I had to, because we can't function as a family if I blame her for that! But she actually told me, she actually said, that _she_ told Walt to _kill_ somebody – I'm sorry, I know I'm not meant to talk to you about any of this, it's putting too much on you, I'm sorry, but you know what? It's putting too much on me! _She_ is putting too much on me!"

"W-what do you mean, putting on me? O-of course you can talk to me."

"Yeah, guess who told me not to talk to you? Skyler."

Flynn opened his mouth, and shut it again sullenly.

"I mean ages ago, not… not… she didn't say that recently."

"Ok, w-well I became an adult recently, so you can definitely talk to me, and sh-she does now, too."

"No, she doesn't."

Flynn sighed.

"I've been trying to figure out what Hank would think about it but I just can't figure it out… But he was a cop, for Christ's sake - how could he be ok with any of this?"

"H-he was a cool guy. And a nice guy."

Marie frowned and fiddled with her coffee cup.

"It's not her fault that he died, though, it – I-I mean, i-it…"

"It's not? Can you please explain to me how you came to that conclusion, because I've done this before, I know I've done this before: I talked myself out of it."

"Sh-she just must have been so scared. I – wow – I-I can't even imagine how scared she must have been, to be pushed to…to say that."

"That makes me feel sorry for her. I can do that, I'm sorry for her now, I was sorry for her last night, but it doesn't mean I can forgive her."

"You don't have to forgive her."

"I just can't… I don't know what I would do without her." Marie began to cry. "And that was always the worst thing, what felt the worst wasn't all the other horror that happened, it was that she betrayed me!"

"She didn't, though. Sh-she had a weird way of doing it, but she has s-said over and over again that she wanted to…protect us."

"I've been through all this before. I don't wanna do it again."

"H-How did you…talk yourself out of it before?"

"Before? When I thought he died because she refused to talk to him?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I… I got as much information as I could, I mulled it round and round in my head over and over and over and over and over, I asked her to tell me everything and I thought she had done. And I worked through everything really gradually, it was a gradual process, and I think it was connected to my overall acceptance of Hank's death, because one day I just realised that he would've died anyway. Even if she had talked to him, it wouldn't have been enough because she barely knew anything. So he still would've gone after the money in To'hajiilee. He still would've died. When I realised that I cried a river, but it enabled me to forgive her."

"Didn't Dad only bury his money a-after Uncle Hank found out about it?"

"Yeah. Before that it was in a self-storage locker hired by..." Marie scrunched up her eyes.

"Mom."

Marie nodded. "I'm worried that when I let it go before... I did that because I really felt that I had to, because I just didn't know what I would do without her. My life was worse without her, and I just - I didn't wanna do that, I didn't... my entire life she's always been there, and..." Marie began to cry. "And you guys as well – if I don't get along with Skyler, then I don't get to see you and your sister either, or at least not nearly as much as I want to, a-and that would break my heart, especially since I have noooobody else now. And now I'm worried, because that was all so horrible, that I just talked myself out of it! I figured out a way of dealing with it by seeing what I wanted to see and believing what I wanted to believe. Now I've just been slapped in the face by something that goes against all of that, and I'm worried that I was... reading it wrong all along. I was only seeing what I wanted to see. I was only seeing what I could bear to see."


	23. Chapter 23

Marie put her key in the lock of her front door to find that something was missing. Holly wasn't yelling with excitement. Her heart jumped into her throat, and she quickly opened the door to find Holly standing behind it with a smile on her face. Marie breathed. Holly held up a finger in front of her mouth. "Mommy's still asleep," she said.

"Oh. Ok."

"She's been asleep for a really long time."

Marie's heartbeat rose again. "That's ok, she's sick, honey, she needs a lot of sleep. Are you ok?"

"Yeah. I had a long cuddle with Mommy. She was asleep but that was ok."

"Good."

"Can I have a hug?"

"Of course." Marie knelt down and gave her one.

A loud but smooth engine revving signalled the arrival of Flynn in the driveway behind her.

"Finn!" yelled Holly, then clapped her hands over her mouth. "Oops." She looked at Marie with wide eyes. "Did I wake Mommy?"

"I'll go check on her. You wait here for Flynn. Don't go outside, ok?"

"Ok."

Marie hurried along the hallway to the guest bedroom. The door was open. Marie looked at Skyler's sleeping form until she saw it move. Relieved, she hurried back to the kitchen.

...

Skyler didn't emerge until the family were halfway through their dinner. Flynn saw her first, and he got out of his seat and walked towards her.

Marie looked up. Holly, the last to notice, finally turned around and yelled, "Mommy!"

"Inside voice, Holly," said Marie, and then, looking back, saw that Flynn was giving his mother a long hug. Holly ran over and grabbed hold of their legs. Marie watched all this, and swallowed. Then she slowly stood, walked into the kitchen and served another plate.

"Are you ok?" Flynn asked his mother.

"Yeah. You?"

"I-I'm alright."

"Here," said Marie, holding out a plate of food to Skyler.

Skyler took it, looking surprised. Marie didn't make eye contact and walked around her back to her seat at the kitchen table. Skyler opened the cutlery drawer. "It's on the table," Marie said. Skyler looked to see that there was indeed a place set for her at the table. She followed her children there.

"Would you like to sleep with your mom tonight, Holly?" said Marie. "In her room?"

Holly gasped with excitement.

"You can be the special night time doctor."

"Yeah yeah yeah! I love sleeping with Mommy!"

Skyler reached out and stroked Holly's hair absently.

"What does a night time doctor do?"

"Well," said Marie, "The night time doctor sleeps too, but they also keep an eye on their patient. They just make sure that they're still in the bed. If the patient gets up, the night time doctor follows them. It's ok if they go to the bathroom, but if they go to the bathroom the night time doctor just waits around and checks to make sure they get back to bed safely. Can you do that, Holly?"

Skyler looked guiltily at Marie. She knew exactly what she was doing. Part of her was annoyed, the part that said there is no way I would do anything with my children here and how dare you even consider it. The other part of her said, exactly. Good idea. Thank you.

Marie didn't meet her eyes.

...

After reading Holly a bedtime story and explaining that the night time doctor had to go to bed earlier than the patient so that she could rest up in time to be a night time doctor, Skyler went out onto the balcony and lit a cigarette. She took her phone out of her pocket and began to compose a text to Kim.

_There is something I need to tell you. I've thought long and hard about it and I have made a decision. You will say that this decision is not in my interest, but I say that it is, because if I am not punished properly I will not be able to live with myself. _

The back door clicked open behind Skyler, and she looked around. It was Marie. She saved the message as a draft, put her phone back in her pocket and leant over the railing, taking a long drag of her cigarette.

Marie stood next to her and looked out at the blinking city lights far below.

"You didn't tell him, did you?" said Skyler.

"Who, Flynn? I told him what you told me, yeah. I didn't tell him what you did to yourself, I'm not putting _that_ on him. But I told him the rest."

Skyler frowned. "Why's he being so nice to me, then?"

Marie met her eyes for the first time since her confession of the night before. "Yeah, I know. I'm jealous of him. His reaction was just concern for you, he said you must have been really scared, and…. And he feels bad about that. And so do I, but then it's immediately ruined by your ridiculous decision-making processes!"

Skyler's shoulders slumped.

Marie gripped the railing and fiddled with it with her fingers. "I want you to explain it away like you did before. I wanna be able to talk myself out of it, talk myself to forgiveness, talk myself to be free. But I realised when I did that the last time, I was just telling myself what I wanted to hear. And I got it wrong. The way I got over it was to tell myself that Hank would've died anyway, because even if you had talked to him, it wouldn't have been enough. Because you barely knew anything. That's what I thought. You barely knew anything. Because I thought you were a victim. So I told myself that he still would've gone after the money in To'hajiilee and he still would've died. But in thinking about it today and talking about it with Flynn, I realised that I was wrong!" Marie's voice broke. "Because Hank met with you right after he confronted Walt, he asked you to talk to him on the same day, and that was before Walt buried his money! The big guy and the conman guy went and got it from the self-storage unit later that day, but if you had talked to Hank when he asked you, you could have told him where it was and he could have got it right from under them. And it never would've been buried in the desert at all, if you'd just helped him when he asked you!"

Marie swallowed and looked out at the city. "So now I realise that the excuse I used to convince myself I could forgive you was a lie."

Skyler leaned on the railing next to her, too depressed even to lift her cigarette to her lips. Its flame slowly died.

"Skyler? Are you listening?"

Skyler's head whipped around. "Of course!"

"Talk to me, then. You said you can't explain it away, but that's not true, you've done it before. And so help me I am trying so hard!"

"Thank you. I really appreciate you trying. I don't deserve it but I really appreciate it. Everything you've done for me." Skyler turned and looked out again, breaking eye contact.

"So is that true? When you met Hank in the diner it was before Walt buried the money?"

Skyler spoke slowly. "Yeah. Not by much. I didn't see Walt after that until after he'd buried it. He came home at two in the morning covered in dirt. And he straight away collapsed, he passed out on the floor of the bathroom."

"And you chose to go home to him rather than talk to Hank."

"I was scared, Marie. Scared of this. What's happening right now. Ironic, right?"

"Did you wanna talk to Hank?"

"No. And I certainly wouldn't have given him the money. I went through a lot of pain and hard work for that money, I wasn't gonna give it up easily."

"It was blood money! Did you know then how much blood was on that money?"

"No. No, I knew barely anything then. But I knew enough. I knew it was blood money."

"And you wanted it?"

"Yeah."

"Is that why you didn't talk to Hank?"

"I didn't want all of Walt's shit to have been for nothing."

"You wanted the money and you didn't want Walt to get caught."

"Yeah."

A sharp crack echoed through the night air as Marie slapped Skyler hard across the face. Skyler lost her balance and grabbed the railing with both hands. Her cigarette fell into the yard below.

The door opened. "Hey hey, no! Don't do that!" said Flynn firmly.

"She just said that she wanted the money and she didn't want your father to go to prison!" Marie ran towards Flynn, angry tears in her eyes.

"Hey hey no!" A sudden energy activating her previously lifeless form, Skyler ran after Marie and placed herself between her and Flynn. "Don't involve him."

"You always say that," Marie spat. "He has a right to know. You're just scared he'll turn away from you."

"That is not true."

"Aunt Marie, w-we already knew that."

"Knew what?"

"About the money. Th-that she wanted the money - we knew that, y-you asked her about it like…a year and a half ago. Y-you were like, 'If it was me, I…would've wanted the money,' and sh-she said yeah, she did! A-and-"

"No, that's not what we were talking about. We were talking about Hank." Marie's voice broke. "She said she wouldn't have given Hank the money so that he didn't have to go to To'hajiilee!"

"Marie, can we please not involve Flynn in this?"

"How could M-Mom possibly have known about that? Mom, if you…had had a crystal ball that…had told you that if…y-you didn't talk to Uncle Hank and give him the money, he would've gotten m-murdered in To'hajiilee, w-would you have talked to him and…given him the money?"

"Of course," Skyler gasped.

"A-alright, well listen, the way you phrased what you said before was r-really misleading and stupid. 'I di-didn't wanna talk to Hank and I…certainly wouldn't have…given him the money.' O-of course you would have if you'd known that h-he would've died otherwise!"

"There's no point talking about hypothetical scenarios. I didn't have a crystal ball. God knows I tried to plan and act to prevent bad things happening to our family, but I failed. Worse than that, I actively caused further damage, so..." Skyler breathed in. "I-I'm gonna remove myself now. You two can support each other through it."

Skyler stepped through the back door and closed it behind her. She began to stride across the living room, but the door quickly clicked open again as Flynn followed her. "Mom! Stop! We-we all need to just…calm down and talk about this!"

Skyler turned around. "I think your aunt probably wants me out of her house now," she said defeatedly. "Will the two of you look after each other please?"

"No!" Flynn walked towards her.

"You're not going anywhere, Skyler." Marie appeared at the back door. "That nurse said you shouldn't be left alone. You're sleeping with Holly, you promised her." She had regained her composure, but her eyes were still scathing.

"There you go," said Flynn. "She doesn't want you to leave. Can we just talk…calmly about this, please? W-we need to figure out a way to get…past it."

Skyler looked him in the eyes, and lifted her hand to his cheek. "I'm sorry. You can't explain it away."

...

Kim was sitting in the University of New Mexico law library, talking quietly on her phone. "I know, I'm sorry... Yeah well, it'll be over soon and then I'll be there in your hair all the time and you'll get completely sick of me, and... I don't know yet, it depends how long this adjournment lasts for. If it's Monday or Tuesday then I guess I'll have to wait for the verdict, but if this adjournment goes longer than that I might get done with this before then and be able to sneak a couple days. I won't know until at least Monday, though... Yeah it's kinda weird being here, in particular talking to you being here. I feel like I just went back in time twelve years, but I can't have if I'm talking to you! ... Yeah, I will. Thanks for being so understanding… Love you, bye."

Kim put her phone away and turned back to the pile of books in front of her with a sigh.

...

She couldn't go to her room because Holly was in there asleep. The only privacy Skyler could get was in the bathroom. She locked the door, fell to her knees on the fluffy bath mat and sobbed. Her body rocked so hard that she fell off the side of the bath mat, and her splitting headache got some relief from the cold of the tiles. She could barely think, but she did take note of the fact that she was stuck in a bathroom again, and that somehow now it felt even worse.

There was a knock on the door. "Mom? Are you alright?"

Skyler swallowed her wails and sobbed silently.

"Mom?"

She didn't know what she'd done to deserve him. She really didn't.

There was the sound of footsteps in the hall, and Marie's voice asking, "What's going on?"

"M-Mom's been in there for a while," came Flynn's reply.

"Skyler?" The door handle jangled and Marie's much more insistent knocking was visited on the door. "Skyler, open the door. Do you want me to break it down?"

Skyler pulled herself up from the floor.

"Aunt Marie, c-calm down! Why are you-"

The door opened.

"Mom!" Flynn, seeing her red eyes and harrowed expression, took his mother into his arms. Marie pushed past them into the bathroom and looked around, checking nothing was amiss. She met Skyler's eyes behind Flynn's back, and Skyler shook her head. Marie straightened her expression, announced that she was off to bed and walked briskly to her bedroom.

"Me too," said Skyler, rubbing Flynn's back and pulling away from him. "I'm sorry, I've been hogging the bathroom! You must be wanting to do your teeth."

"R-really? You're gonna talk about…mundane things n-now?"

Skyler forced a smile, went to the sink and picked up her toothbrush.

"Seriously?"

"It's bedtime, Flynn."

Skyler put her toothbrush into her mouth, looked at her face in the mirror and wondered how she had managed to age ten years in less than two.

"I can't sleep at all when…this stuff is running around my head. Can you?"

"No. But ah… I think lying down looking at sleeping Holly will calm me slightly."

"W-why did you even say it? You kept it a secret all this time, a-and…. No-one had to know."

"Yes they did. Marie did."

"Does she look like sh-she's better off knowing than not? I don't think so!"

Skyler spat her toothpaste into the sink. "She has a right to know. I don't wanna mislead her."

"Y-yeah, but-"

"You of all people are not seriously advocating the 'stay silent to protect your family' method? The 'what other people don't know won't hurt them' method? That's funny because I seem to remember you telling me I should have done the exact opposite thing a while back."

"Yeah, w-when staying silent causes bad things to keep happening, and bad people to get…away with stuff they shouldn't get…away with, don't do it. When s-speaking up causes you to have to…go to prison for longer and y-your sister to be really really really upset, m-maybe it's different."

"It's not different. In this case, not speaking up would lead to _me _getting away with something that I don't deserve to get away with, so. Actually, thank you for reminding me, there's one more thing I have to do. Goodnight, honey."

Skyler kissed him on the cheek and walked off down the hallway, taking her phone out of her pocket.

_There is something I need to tell you. I've thought long and hard about it and I have made a decision. You will say that this decision is not in my interest, but I say that it is, because if I am not punished properly I will not be able to live with myself. I don't want you to play the phone call. It's a fake. Nothing he says in that phone call is real._


	24. Chapter 24

Marie woke up at 8:30 on Saturday morning, which was late for her, and revelled in the beautiful feeling that is waking up all on your own and not having to get out of bed, until her heart jumped into her throat when she realised Holly hadn't woken her. She jumped up and rushed to the kitchen. No-one there. She rushed back along the hallway to the guest bedroom, and stopped outside it listening. No sounds. She opened the door quietly.

Holly and Skyler were lying together, Holly's arm around her teddy and Skyler's arm around Holly. Both of them looked to be peacefully sleeping. Marie let out a long breath and retreated.

She made herself a small fruit salad and decided to eat it on the sofa watching TV. She really didn't feel like doing anything at all. She turned on the TV and began scrolling through the channels. She found a breakfast panel show she sometimes liked to watch, and she put down the remote and settled in to watch it. There was a story about a dog that helped the disabled little boy who owned it by pulling him around on a little cart. It was a very uplifting story. Then there was an infomercial about a power blender that would turn healthy ingredients like vegetables and flax seeds into a kind of sauce you could mix into pizza sauce or spread on fried chicken. "Making bad good!" was the slogan.

"Huh," said Marie.

"For our sofa interview today, we have someone whose story broke very quietly last week but is rapidly becoming one of the most talked about things in the nation. I'd like to introduce Margaret Shaw, who used to work at an Albuquerque company called Beneke Fabricators with none other than the infamous Skyler White, who is currently on trial for drug-related money laundering in what is clearly the longest and most drawn out trial of all time, am I right?"

There was a chorus of laughs and boos from the studio audience.

Marie crossed her arms.

"We're not gonna talk about that because it's boring as hell. Margaret here went public last week with the story that Mrs White was sleeping with their boss, Ted Beneke, a man who has since gone bankrupt and been charged with tax fraud. She can really pick 'em, can't she?"

Margaret and the studio audience laughed. Marie frowned.

"Beneke was found to have been fiddling with the company's accounts, assisted by Mrs White - well we've heard that one before, haven't we?" The host looked at the camera and paused for effect. "Except we haven't. Margaret. Tell us everything you know."

"Well I met Skyler White when she came in to apply for a data entry job, and she was particularly noticeable at that time because she was heavily pregnant and not at all in a condition to be applying for a job, and yet Mr Beneke hired her as the accounts manager."

"She applied for data entry and he put her in as accounts manager straight off the bat?"

"Yeah well she had actually done that job before, she used to work there before I came along, so she was qualified for it and everything, but it wasn't what we were hiring for and she went on maternity leave like one month in, and Mr Beneke drove her to the hospital and spent all day with her there."

"Well that doesn't ring alarm bells at all."

"I know, right? Then he let her work with the baby in the office absolutely all the time, which was really not conducive to a productive workplace because it would cry, of course. One time, Mr Beneke had some really high value clients in the meeting room, and the baby was crying so loudly the meeting had to stop. I talked to Mr Beneke about it afterwards because the clients were really not happy and they complained to me on the way out, and I told Mr Beneke this is hurting the company, you know? He was the boss, he could tell Skyler to put the baby in day care! And he said oh no, she doesn't wanna do that because she's still breastfeeding and the baby's so small and she and her husband don't have much money and -"

"What?"

"Yeah, ironic too, right? I don't think he had a clue what was going on there. I think she drove him along for the chump that he was. Milked him for all he was worth. The company ended up going bankrupt and we all lost our jobs."

"Because of her?"

"Because of both of them. They were found to be guilty of tax fraud."

The host looked at her notes. "Now the facts on that, Ted Beneke was charged with tax fraud in 2010; he pled guilty but got a suspended sentence served under house arrest because of his disability. He has a disability?"

"He didn't back then. He broke his neck in some accident after that."

"Is that why she ditched him?"

Margaret laughed. "Maybe."

"Skyler wasn't charged with tax fraud, though."

"No, but they know she was involved."

"Ok, I am gonna mention the trial now to say that evidence was presented by the IRS regarding that in the trail of Skyler White, however Beneke has apparently claimed that she wasn't involved."

"Yeah, that's her secret, isn't it? Get some chump to fall in love with her and then they take the blame. She's probably had a lot of practice at it because I bet she's had chumps falling in love with her her whole life - she is definitely one of the beautiful people."

There was a murmur from the crowd.

"What about Mr Beneke, is he good to look at?"

"Oh yeah, Mr Beneke was actually pretty smoking before his accident. A big step up from her husband."

The host laughed. "Did you ever meet Walter White?"

"Yeah, I called security on him."

The audience gasped.

"Really? What happened?"

"He found out. That's what happened." Margaret smiled, and the host made an overdone look of fake shock.

"Up until that point, we all knew that Skyler was sleeping with Mr Beneke, but that was the first time that we were all really slapped in the face with it. Walter White pulled up in our parking lot with a screech of brakes in this old Aztec, and Mr Beneke saw him coming and he ran into his office and turned the lights off! I didn't know who he was at first, I thought he was an angry client, but then I figured it out. He was demanding to speak to Mr Beneke and I was saying no, and he pushed right past me yelling the house down because he knew Mr Beneke was there because he could see into his office! Mr Beneke had turned the lights off but he hadn't bothered to shut the blinds! At that point I called security, and a bunch of our colleagues heard the commotion and came out to see what was happening, including Skyler. And it was so pathetic. She was just hissing at him, like, 'Walt, what are you doing?' And he was picking up a large pot plant from our reception area and attempting to break the window of Mr Beneke's office with it."

"Ooh. Nasty."

"Well no not really, because he was this weedy little man in glasses and cream pants; he could hardly lift the thing, and when he tried to throw it it travelled about a foot, bounced off the glass and fell over on the floor."

The studio audience laughed.

"Then security arrived and kicked him out. At the time, I was outraged that something like that had disturbed the peace of my office, but in hindsight it is rather funny."

"A weedy little man in glasses and cream pants, really?"

"Yeah."

"That was Walter White?"

"Yeah. The news always shows photographs of him looking scary, but they always do that with criminals. They want you to be scared. The reality of him, not so much. He was certainly demanding, but in a pathetic way, not a scary way."

"Oh come on, the guy just found out his wife was cheating on him! Cut him some slack!"

The studio audience made an aww-ing noise.

Marie heard the click of her nephew's crutches in the hall, and she quickly turned the television off and stood up, frowning and thinking hard. She felt sick. But what had caused that hadn't been the rest of it - that was surreal. What had caused it was the idea that anybody could possibly feel sorry for Walt.

Marie went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and wash the foul taste out of her mouth. She found Flynn there. "Morning!" she said. "You are up before your sister! What the hell is going on?"

"Holly's not up? Is she ok?"

"Yeah, I checked on them. They're both asleep."

"I think sh-she could be going too far with this…doctor thing."

"I know, she's so worried about her mother! It is so heartbreaking to see a three-year-old do that!"

"Yeah."

"And she's so helpful, it's so sweet."

"Aunt Marie, u-umm. I was…wanting to ask you. You said that th-the nurse that came to see Mom told you that…she sh-shouldn't be left alone. Why was that?"

"Because she was very concerned about her."

"Did she s-say why?"

"I don't know, I wasn't in the room. She did some kind of mental health assessment. Asked her questions. Checked things. I don't know. I'm sure it's fine, I just... wanna do…what she recommended."

...

Kim, dressed in tracksuit pants and a pale blue sweatshirt, which was unusual because she normally appeared in a neatly pressed suit, knocked on Marie's front door at 9:45.

"Hi Kim," said Marie, clearly surprised. "Has there been a development?"

"Not in particular. I'm just here to pick up Skyler, if she's..."

"Oh! Oh, ok. She's not up yet."

"That's ok, I'm early - I told her I was coming at 10."

Flynn appeared in the hallway behind his aunt, Holly trailing behind him talking about My Little Ponies.

"Flynn!" said Kim. "You're the reason I'm early. I was wondering if we could have a talk."

Marie grabbed Holly's hand and lead her away.

"Sure. How come you're…still in Albuquerque? I thought you w-went home for the weekends."

"Yeah, I stayed over to do some research and to... manage things. I'll cover the motel if that's…"

"No no, th-that's fine. Of course. Ah, w-we could go on the balcony? Holly can't open that door yet."

There was the sound of a door being opened suddenly, and Skyler appeared in the hallway, her face unmade-up and her hair windswept. "Kim, I'm so sorry, I overslept."

"That's fine, I'm early."

"Just give me a minute, I just wanna have a quick shower because-"

"No rush, I came early to have a talk to Flynn."

Skyler frowned. "What about?"

"Nothing scary. Just checking in." Kim smiled. "Take your time."

Skyler watched with a look of fear on her face as Kim followed Flynn through the kitchen and onto the balcony. Then she turned abruptly and headed for the bathroom.

Kim and Flynn stood at the end of the balcony looking out across the valley.

"I'm worried," said Kim, "that your mother is wanting to jeopardise her case."

"What? Why?"

"Her own self-guilt. Which does not, and I have told her this, does _not_ equate to legal liability, but she thinks it does. She says she wants to be punished."

"She's already being…punished, sh-she's already going to prison, why-why would she wanna do that for longer?"

"As far as I can tell, her self-worth has hit rock bottom, she feels responsible for your uncle's death and thinks the rest of you would be better off without her. What I would like you to do is to tell her otherwise."

"I've tried! Sh-she did not kill Uncle Hank! And while this thing about Jesse Pinkman surprises me, l-like I did not expect that she would've done that, b-but… 2+2 does not equal 5."

"Exactly. Thank you. And between you and me I don't think they'll be able to charge her with it, because there is no evidence at all. They certainly can't charge her with contributing to your uncle's death, because there is just _no_ connection, but even on the Pinkman thing, the most she might be guilty of is conspiracy to attempt murder, but the only evidence is her own and it would be incredibly difficult for them to prosecute."

"R-really? They can't add it to…the trial?"

"Not at this late stage - Judge Stephens has already ruled that out. They are, I believe, still looking at bringing a separate charge, but I sincerely doubt it'll get anywhere. No prosecutor worth their salt is gonna bother with it."

"Oh, thank god. Th-that's great."

"What I am left with is trying to make sure she doesn't jeopardise what remains of this existing trial, which until Thursday night I thought had a chance of resulting in a not guilty verdict."

Flynn began to smile. "Really?"

"A chance. I thought there was a larger chance that it'd be knocked back to misdemeanor, a small chance the jury could say not guilty. But Skyler is obviously not happy with that idea because she thinks she deserves to go to prison, so I need your help to stop her from throwing her entire defence in the toilet."

"W-what can I do?"

"Tell her that you and Holly need her to be around. Everything she has said always leads back to the two of you - she would do anything for you."

"At the moment she th-thinks we're better off without her. She's even…telling me not to visit her in prison b-because she says I should…be enjoying college and time with my friends, a-and she thinks I won't to have time to go see her. I wanna go see her!"

"Tell her you need her."

"I really do!"

"Have you told her?"

"I've told her that I'll miss her and I want her around, I-I wanna see her."

"She needs to feel needed. She needs to feel like she has a purpose and a role to play in this family as anything other than a burden."

"Oh my god, did she say that?"

"She's not well, Flynn, and her self-esteem is so low. It needs a boost. Oh and if you could tell her that I would rather not have all my efforts go to waste either, that might not go astray."

"I told her m-months ago, when I got the money, that I would pay for a…top lawyer for her. She refused. Sh-she wouldn't have a bar of it. She said l-let me deal with my mistakes, it doesn't concern you, blah blah blah. It does concern me." Tears came to Flynn's eyes. "I don't wanna lose…my mom. Thank you so much for coming and helping her, b-because if you hadn't, I don't know what would've…happened."

"It still might."

"Dad s-screwed her up so badly, he-he actually made her think she…was making her own decisions. She wasn't, h-he was manipulating her!"

"I'm so glad you can see that, Flynn. It'll take long term therapy for her to be convinced of it, but for now, if she can feel that she is needed by her children, she will fight. We're 95% there, but if she doesn't believe in it then it's going nowhere fast."

"Ok, I-I'll talk to her."

"You need to hold nothing back. You need to show your own vulnerability, ok? How much it will hurt you if she goes to prison."

"Ok. Y-you really think this…Jesse Pinkman thing isn't gonna go anywhere?"

"Oh the DEA want it to, don't get me wrong. I snuck into the UNM law library yesterday to research similar cases and precedents. I'm gonna to have an arsenal prepared if they do decide to go for it. But that's no good if Skyler doesn't want me to use it. I'm under her instruction."

"Oh my god, she is so ridiculous."

"Oh, cut her some slack, she's been through a lot. I do understand the self-guilt, I'm just trying to make her see that legally she is not liable and everything she did was under coercion and, in the case of this Jesse Pinkman thing, pretty serious duress since he tried to burn down your house."

"Mmm. What do you mean you s-snuck into UNM?"

"Well I don't have a swipe card or anything obviously because I'm not a student there anymore. I took photos of all the relevant sections in the books I could find because I couldn't borrow them or use the photocopier! Hilarious, right? Legal partner breaks into undergrad law library."

"You can borrow m-my student card."

"Oh. Really? I didn't think to ask."

Flynn's hand went straight to his wallet and he handed the card over.

"Thanks. Don't you need this?"

"I guess. I can say I…lost it and get a new one."

"No, that would lead to us both getting kicked out. Umm. Can I borrow it until Monday? Or when is your next class?"

"M-Monday afternoon."

"Ok. I can be done with it by then."

"If you need it anytime, j-just call me or text me."

"Well I-"

"Seriously. You're-you're helping my mom. You should have…all of the books all of the time, j-just let me know."

"Got it." Kim smiled. "Thank you."

"Did you say you're not a student there…anymore? L-like, did you use to be?"

"Yeah, I got my law degree there."

"Really? I thought you were…from Chicago."

"Originally I'm from Kansas, but I came here to study and lived here for about ten years. Went to Chicago later."

"Wow! Tha-that's so cool, you went to the same college as me!"

"Go Lobos."

Flynn smiled, looking a little awestruck.

The back door clicked open, and Skyler appeared. "I'm so sorry, Kim. I forgot to set an alarm. And I've been sleeping really badly, but when I finally do get off, I am completely out to it, and I-"

"It's fine, it's fine. I've been having a lovely time with Flynn here, he is very excited to learn that I went to the same college as him."

"Oh. Right," said Skyler breathlessly, looking like she wasn't really listening. "I'm just umm, sorry, do you mind if I have a smoke before we go? I haven't had one yet and I'm -"

"No problem. Go for it."

"I'm sorry, Flynn, I'll move away from you."

She moved a few feet away, and Flynn watched her as she pulled the cigarette out of her pocket, lit it and leaned heavily on the railing. "Mom?" he said.

She finished blowing out a long stream of smoke, turned to him and said, "Yeah."

"W-why are you being so selfish?"

"What?"

"You've got this…. Y-you've got this crazy idea that…everything was your fault, when it wasn't. And in this c-crazy universe of yours, which completely revolves around you, because y-you never listen to what…anybody else thinks ever, you th-think that everything is your fault and…the only way to make anything better is for you to go to prison for…a hundred years. Well, that would not only make you even more sick, and therefore m-me and Aunt Marie even more…worried sick, it would also rip y-yet another enormous hole in our family, and cause us…so much more pain and l-leave us to try and recover whilst al-also trying to…look after Holly when n-neither of us have a clue what we're doing with that compared to you. Sh-she worships you, and a child of that age needs her mother, not her aunt – I mean, A-Aunt Marie is great, but she's…not you."

Skyler looked at Flynn with wide eyes for a moment, and then looked away. "She won't even remember me."

"Bullshit. Your damn child psychologist, sh-she'll tell you that. A child needs her mother."

Skyler's voice became shaken, broken, and Kim shifted awkwardly. "I know," she breathed. "I don't have a choice."

"But you do. Kim just told me that…up until the point when you made your crazy confession, sh-she thought you could get found n-not guilty."

Skyler's eyes snapped to Kim's. Kim held them warily. "That wouldn't be right," Skyler sighed, and her eyes fell again.

"Right by who?" Flynn demanded. "I-I want you to think about that, Mom. Right…by who? _We_ need you here."

"For the last eighteen months, I have needed you so much more than you've needed me. It's not fair on you, I lean on you so much."

"S-stop talking out your ass! You have…no idea how much I need you! E-everyone talks about Holly all the time, is she…transitioning properly and is she gonna h-have nightmares and…blah blah blah, and n-nobody ever asks about me. I am losing my mom too, but n-nobody ever thinks about that!"

Flynn paused for a breath, and Skyler realised she could hardly see him through the tears.

"I need you! I-I know I make a big deal about being 18…all the time, but it's just a number, I s-still feel really small and…like I don't…have a clue what I'm doing in the world, and y-you always know what to say to make me feel…better and y-you always support me, my-my whole life you've always been there for me. You always listen, you…always help, you give me good advice, you… you make me my favourite food on my birthday. You're thoughtful and caring and I-I feel safe when I'm around you. I can trust that you've got my back. You're… one of very few people who doesn't…cut me off when I'm speaking. And when you're w-walking with me, I don't feel like you're slowing your…pace down. I-it's not like that with…anybody else. And I…I can trust you absolutely that you're never questioning or judging what…I'm saying ...and now I'm scared, because I d-don't wanna go through my life without…my mom. I want you to be around, I want...I want you to be there at my graduation. Which is four years away, so if you get five years then y-you won't be there."

Skyler's tears were falling now, and she grabbed his hand and held it. "I'm so sorry," she said.

"For what? For…being an idiot now and s-stomping all over your chances of freedom?"

Skyler took a breath, and stroked his hand.

"Or for breaking the law? Because that was Dad's fault, n-not yours."

"It was both our fault. We did it together."

"Oh yeah, a-all those murders and drug deals you didn't even know about."

"You have to stop thinking about it in such black and white terms - it wasn't like that. And if you're rejecting him and blaming him because of it, you need to do the same to me. You need to apply the same principles to me."

"I do. I know what you did. You broke the law. It was really fucking stupid. I'm really mad at you about that. But what you did wasn't n-nearly as bad as what he did!"

"I didn't stop it."

"Th-that doesn't make you at fault. Are we gonna blame Hitler's wife …for the Holocaust? Or Hitler himself?"

"Don't compare your -"

"Mom, y-you know from what I have done regarding Dad that I do not let things slide just

because someone is family. I do not treat someone well when they don't deserve it, n-no matter who they are. And I do not rank my needs above my principles. Y-you need to get off your self-blame bullshit, and the person you …really need to listen to about that is me, be-because I had the same relationship with both of you. And I don't give a shit that he is my father, h-he is dead to me and pushed out of my life, I can't stand him, I ch-changed my name to get away from him because of what he did. Y-you know that I do not make-up excuses and I do…not stand for any bullshit. I am _not_ defending you because you're my mom. That doesn't get anyone a free pass i-in my book. I am defending you because from what I can see, the …vast majority of it was him not you, and I can see quite a lot. I've been there since the beginning. There's a lot of shit you…try to keep from me, but I've r-read every single media report on the trial, I-I've talked to Aunt Marie about it, I've talked to Kim about it, and I do know what's going on. I know what you did do and…w-what you didn't do. You did _not_ kill Uncle Hank. Blaming yourself for it only makes Aunt Marie's pain worse, a-and if you think you are going to lie down and give up and l-leave me and Holly without our mom, y-you've got another thing coming, because the very idea…of that that hurts me so much I cannot let it happen."

Skyler head slumped forward over the railing, still gripping Flynn's hand and stroking it as her shoulders began to shake.

"Ask yourself, Mom. Right by who? K-Kim says there is still a chance that you could be found not guilty. At least that it could be knocked back to m-misdemeanor so you could go to jail not prison, and that would make…so much difference because they're much more lenient with…the visiting times and, and phone calls and…" Flynn swallowed as his voice began to shake. "Please. Please try."


	25. Chapter 25

Skyler pulled Marie's front door shut and stepped forward gingerly, her shoulders slumped and her hands tightly gripping her handbag in front of her. Her sunglasses covered her red eyes and any other weaknesses on her face, but the way she walked told the story of someone falling apart.

Kim opened the passenger door of her car for her, watching her carefully. Skyler got in, fastened her seat belt, turned calmly to Kim and said, "I'm so sorry about that. Not only was I very late because I overslept, but Flynn decided to do... that... right then, right in front of you, and I couldn't not engage with him because -"

"Skyler. He's right."

Skyler stopped talking and took a few shallow breaths. "I know, I know he's right. Once again I find myself stuck in an impossible situation and every decision I make is wrong."

"You're on the home stretch. The trial has been going very well, and Judge Stephens has ruled that your confession about Jesse Pinkman will not be heard as part of this trial."

"What?"

"Confirmation came through late yesterday. There's no evidence. You don't know what Walt did with what you told him. The DEA are trying to prove it and good luck to them, if they can find any evidence there can be a separate charge brought, but it's far too late for this one."

"But it shows my character. If the jury don't know about that they're being misled."

"It doesn't show anything about your character. Anyone would lash out if they thought their children were in danger."

"No that's not the point, the point is I told Walt to do it and he didn't want to! He didn't tell me what to do, I told him!"

"That one time, sure. But how many times did he make you feel that you had no choice but to do something you didn't wanna do?"

Skyler's eyes fell.

"Including that time, because thanks to him you were cut off from your family and too afraid to speak to the police. So when someone threatens your children, and you can't get help from your family or the police, what else are you gonna do?"

"No! You do not say that to me! That is what Walt would say! You do not say that! You can't justify it, you can't explain it away - it doesn't go away, it won't leave my h-head!"

Kim nodded. "Ok." She turned the ignition key and reversed out of the driveway. "Tell me about the phone call."

...

Flynn was meant to be writing an essay, but he couldn't concentrate at all. He finally slammed his laptop shut and stomped out into the kitchen, where his aunt and sister were at the table doing a jigsaw puzzle. Holly loved puzzles; Marie secretly hated them but they had been playing with My Little Ponies all morning and a puzzle at least didn't require much invention or interaction, so Marie had suggested it so she could have a break.

"Are you gonna make up with Mom?" Flynn said grumpily as he opened the fridge.

Marie turned. "I hope so," she said wearily.

"Kim said she thinks she's trying to…jeopardise her case. I agree, I mean w-why would she even tell you that?"

"She was in a really low place."

"Well th-that's even more reason why you should treat her with… understanding and compassion i-instead of getting mad at her!"

"I am trying. Do not lecture me."

"W-what I'm trying to say is, you've fallen for it! Sh-she's trying to jeopardise herself, because of…her bullshit self-guilt or whatever-"

"Hey! Language!"

"-and so sh-she's trying to make you hate her. She's…deliberately saying things that she knows will upset you, and you're falling for it!"

...

Kim sucked up the last of her milkshake, looked out at the view and sighed. "Ok. I wanna tell you something that may surprise you. Trials are not about truth. Trials are about arguments. For me, I try to make them about justice. I try to fight wherever I can for justice. But justice isn't about truth either. Justice is about what is fair. So it might be true that someone stole a cell phone from someone else's purse. And the person whose phone it was might be really upset and they might have been really hurt or scared by it. And they might be saying that to the court and that might be the truth. But the person who stole it might have done so to sell it to get money to buy food for their children. It's true that they stole the phone and it's true that that's against the law, and it's true that that crime hurt somebody else. But would it be fair to sentence that person based solely on that, or do you think that the judge and jury should also take into account the fact that that person's children were starving?"

Skyler kept looking down, focussing all her energy into trying to breathe slower.

"Say the person who stole the phone was black or Indian or had a previous criminal record. Or they were just poor and couldn't afford a proper defence. And the person whose phone was stolen was rich and white. In cases like that, justice barely ever gets done. A trial will be prosecuted and it will be based on truth, but the result will be completely unfair. I've spent most of my career trying to fight that wherever I can. And it doesn't mean I'm fighting for truth, it means I'm fighting for justice, so when I can see that the odds are stacked against someone, I'm not at all averse to sometimes having to manipulate the truth in order to get justice. I'm not talking in big ways - I have done it in big ways in the past but I don't anymore. I'm talking things like allowing my witnesses and defendants to sob openly in court because it gets the jury's sympathy. I'm talking things like using pieces of evidence we happen to have that don't tell the full story, but that give enough of an impression that they're worth using anyway. In the case of the phone call, it may not be true that Walt yelled at you or threatened you directly, but he did force you to do what you did through putting you in a position that made you feel that you had no other option. He did make you afraid. He did compromise you. He did make you feel that you couldn't get out. He did control you. So it doesn't matter that he didn't do those things in exactly the way he implied in the phone call, the point is he did them, and with this phone call we can easily show that to the jury. Without, all we can do is argue. The Prosecution can also argue, very very well, and they have a lot more money and power to do it and they have the media in their pocket. The media is and has always been whipped up into an anti-Heisenberg frenzy that spins around and doesn't care who it hits. You are a scapegoat. They grabbed you and they've latched on. Truth can't punch its weight against that, you need something to help it along. That phone call will do that."

Kim held Skyler's eyes for a long second. Skyler looked away.

"So that's my first point. A trial is not about truth, it's not even about proof. It's about arguing, and if you've got something to argue with you grab hold of it and milk it for all it's worth. My second point, and I'm not sure how much this will mean to you, but Walt made that phone call because he didn't want you to take the fall for what he did. That was his gift to you. Maybe you should take it."

"I don't want anything from him."

"Ok, but you know if you don't, that won't hurt him at all. Only you and your children. If he was still alive, and he'd been taken into custody, do you think he'd except full responsibility? Would he deny that you knew anything of significance?"

"Maybe."

"You didn't know anything of significance. You have said many times that if you had known what was really going on you would not have helped him."

"That's no excuse."

"He rowed you up shit creek and left you there without a paddle, and he even left you believing that you rowed there of your own accord when you didn't. But he left you one lifeline. Your children need you to use it."

Skyler gripped the edge of the bench and leaned forward, her shoulders above her ears, her teeth grinding and her mouth dry. "There's another problem," she said. "I umm… I lose more control every day, I… I c-can barely even move properly anymore. I can't straighten my body, I can't relax my muscles, I can't walk properly. I can't even think, I can't follow...thoughts. My mind is either screaming with fear and self-hatred, the same self-deprecating thoughts rolling over and over again, banging into me, pushing me...and the same images of ...Hank in the diner and ...Holly in the truck and… Hank and Marie and ...and Flynn and Drew Sharp… I see those images so often now that I have trouble focusing on my family how they are now. I can't follow things or remember things that are happening now. And it makes me… a bad mother - I've missed Holly's bedtime more times than I can count, I've forgotten to buy things she needed like vegetables and books and band-aids, and the last few days, most of the time I've spent with her I was sleeping. She knows I'm not well and she is now trying to look after me instead of me looking after her. Flynn's been doing that for a long time now. I don't look after them, they look after me."

"That doesn't mean they don't still need you."

"Yeah, but the reason I'm like this is that I can't forgive myself for everything that's happened. I know that's the reason because it never leaves my mind. Even when I try to make it, it won't go. If I try to have a night off or if I try to smile or… It won't let me. It never goes away, and lately it's been… overwhelming me more and more often. Making me hurt myself and... sometimes it even makes me wanna die. It's because of what I did and the destruction it caused, and… I think the only way I can get past that is if I'm properly punished, with everything the law can throw at me. If that doesn't happen... if I get off or if I just go to jail for a year, or… then I can't give my children anything because I'll be like I am now. I can't give them what they need."

"Skyler, I'm listening to everything you're saying and I'm really sorry that you're going through all of that. But the way to get past it isn't prison. It's therapy. I know what I've seen and what you've told me, and what Heather has told me and what I've been through myself in the past, and what you need to get you out of it is regular ongoing therapy and probably medication, and-"

"I've got some meds, they're not helping."

"No. You need therapy. Which is not only something that you can't access effectively from prison, but also everything about prison will make everything you've described infinitely worse. Prison is designed to make people feel horrible. To remove them from their families, to give them lots of time alone to ruminate on what they did whilst at the same time subjecting them to some truly frightening situations with other inmates, and cutting them off from everything they ever cared about and from all control over their own lives. I'd say about 70% of inmates are depressed and 90% are afraid. And almost all of them are traumatised, and it just doesn't go away - you can't treat mental illness in a place like that, it only gets worse. So you're right that you can't look after your children effectively when you're mentally unwell, but prison will make that worse, not better. And if you're having suicidal thoughts now, well prison will make those worse too and then… if you go in there and never come back… that will mess your children up very thoroughly. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to scare you, I just… I know that you're scared already and the way out of that is not prison, it's therapy. One of the reasons I've been working so hard to try and get you out of this is that it was obvious to me from the moment I met you that your mental health would not survive prison."

"What do you mean obvious?"

"I mean that the most obvious thing about you is your strength, but I can see it wavering. And prison could make that waver permanent."


	26. Chapter 26

Holly heard the car in the drive, the footsteps on the path and the soft scratching of the key in the lock. She looked at her brother, who was watching her with a curious expression on his face. "Who's that?" she asked. "Aunt Marie?"

"Aunt Marie's said she's…probably gonna stay out for dinner," Flynn replied.

"Is it Mommy?"

"Yeah, it must be." He could see Kim's car waiting in the driveway with its engine still on.

Holly jumped up and ran to the front door. It opened as she got to the hall, and she screamed, "Mommy! Mommy!" and ran into Skyler's arms. Skyler stumbled and leant heavily into the wall, her arms shaking as she gripped the child as tightly as she could.

Flynn appeared in the hallway. "Hey Mom," he said, and smiled.

"Where's your Aunt Marie?" asked Skyler.

"She went to a friend's house for…dinner. Well, he's U-Uncle Hank's friend, actually. You know…Tim Roberts?"

"Yeah."

"Mommy, can you stay with us now?" said Holly.

"Yeah. Um, do you wanna go home? I've still got things to do there, packing and cleaning and stuff and I just haven't... I've just, I've been struggling with it."

"We'll help," said Flynn. "Won't we, Holly?"

Skyler lead Holly to Flynn's car, which now had its own child seat in the back, and attempted to buckle her in. The combination of her shaking hands and the fact that it was a different car seat than she was used to made her want to scream in frustration. The buckle simply wouldn't go in. She was doing it wrong. She didn't know how to do it right. Flynn and Holly were waiting and she couldn't do it. She felt so useless. Her hands shook more, and just to make things worse, they began to sweat.

"Why don't you try this side, Mommy?" said Holly, pointing at the clip which was to her left, the opposite side of the one on the seat in Skyler's car. Scowling at the child seat makers for putting the clip there, she moved around and got in at the left side of the car, where the clip magically slid in on the first try. She buried her head at the side of the car seat and breathed. In and out. In and out. Flynn watched her in the rear-view mirror and bit his lip.

Holly, now happily buckled in, turned and began to stroke her mother's hair. It wasn't clear if she was showing care or curiosity, but her face when Skyler pulled her head back to look at her showed an innocent and perfectly adorable smile. A weight lifted, and Skyler gave a very faint smile back.

"Can you sit here, Mommy?" asked Holly sweetly.

"Yeah," Skyler breathed. "Yeah, that would be good." She buckled herself in and leant over as much of Holly as the child seat was not obscuring. She stroked her hair and kissed her forehead and said, "Time to go home, baby." She looked at Flynn, who turned the ignition key and set the car in motion.

...

Tim handed Marie a glass of wine, picked up his own and took a sip. "I don't know what I can tell you," he said.

"I know, I know you're not allowed to tell me what's happening, but I -"

"No I mean, well no I can't tell you what they're doing now - I don't actually know what they're doing now but if I did, I wouldn't be able to tell you - but regardless of that, I don't think there is any proof. I've investigated this before, I've explored it from as many angles as I could think of, and there doesn't seem to be any way of establishing for certain why those gang members went out there. We can establish that Walt phoned Welker because there's a phone record of that, but since both of them are dead, we can only speculate on why and what they talked about, and what happened when the gang arrived at To'hajiilee."

"He can't have just phoned him out of the blue, though. Welker showed up with at least four other guys and a lot of weapons. That sounds like it was planned."

"No, it can't have been planned: Walt was responding to a text sent by Hank masquerading as Pinkman - he didn't know that was gonna happen before it did. In fact I think the suddenness of it caused him to phone those guys when he wouldn't have otherwise - if he'd had time to stop and think about it, he might've realised that they would steal all his money if he invited them there. Generally the whole point of burying your money in the desert is that no-one will ever find it - you don't invite a gang of thugs out there if you've had time to think it through beforehand."

"Yeah. But if he wanted them to help him kill Pinkman, then no, he probably didn't think about it beforehand because that was just where he knew Pinkman was, so he had to get them there because Pinkman was there. He didn't know where Pinkman was before that because Pinkman was with us."

"Yeah I know, I agree with you - I came up with the theory."

"What theory?"

"The theory that Walt called Welker's gang there to kill Pinkman."

"You came up with that theory?"

"Yeah. The DEA were pretty dubious about it at first, but now they're charging all over Albuquerque trying to find ways to prove it, but they won't. It's a theory. It can't be proved because everybody who was involved is now dead."

"Skyler isn't."

"Well yeah, but she doesn't know anything about what Walt did after their conversation."

"But you have the phone record that shows he called Welker from To'hajiilee."

"Yeah, but it's just one phone call, and we have no idea what was said."

"There were no earlier phone calls?"

"Not between those two phones, no. Though that doesn't mean they didn't have other burner phones we don't know about."

"But they must have met before that. Or talked at least, otherwise why would Welker be ready to go with lots of guys and guns at a moment's notice?"

"Walt called Alquist a couple days before."

"Alquist."

"Todd Alquist. Walt knew him better than he knew Welker. So yes, he may have approached him initially; the DEA are currently tearing Albuquerque apart trying to find evidence of the meeting, but even if they find it, there won't be any proof of what was said."

Marie looked at her glass, a look of devastation on her face. "Walt called Alquist."

"There's no proof of what they talked about."

"You say you came up with the theory, why did you do that?"

"Because it's what makes the most sense. In fact, I can't think of any other reason."

"Neither can I."

"Walt knew Pinkman was there, he didn't know Hank and Steve were there, he didn't have time to think it through, the gang members were ready to go. Yeah."

"When did he call Alquist?"

"Ah I'm not sure - I can check that for you if you'd like."

"Yeah. Yes please. I wanna know if it was… if it was um…."

"If it was right after Skyler talked to Walt about it?"

"Yeah."

"It wasn't. That's one of many things that make this theory impossible to prove."

"It wasn't?"

"No. I checked all of that back when I was trying to prove it myself. I can't remember when exactly, but it was at least a couple days after Pinkman tried to burn down the Whites' house."

"So maybe… maybe if that's the case then Walt wasn't acting on what Skyler said. Maybe he was... doing it himself."

"If they never discussed it again and he never reported back to her on what he was doing, I think it's pretty clear that he was doing it himself."

"Oh yeah. Yeah. Good."

"Marie, did you call me because you want me to prove that your sister didn't do this?"

"I called you because I wanna know exactly what happened."

"Well… I feel for you, I do because I really wanna know as well, but it's just not possible. Everyone who knows what was said in those phone calls, or in any meeting if any meeting took place, is dead. There is no way we can ever know. I do think the most likely scenario is that Walt called the gang there to kill Pinkman, and Hank and Steve got in the way. That is the most likely thing to have happened."


	27. Chapter 27

Marie awoke the next morning feeling like she hadn't slept at all. She looked at her phone. "9:55," said the welcome screen. She frowned, wondering for a moment why that had happened, but she knew exactly why. She hadn't slept well in a while now, but last night she had been crying until 2am, so that would definitely eliminate any chance of a normal wake up time.

There was a message from Flynn. She raised herself up on an elbow and read it. _We are __having a lazy day watching Shrek. How are you?_

Marie didn't reply. She sullenly pulled herself out of bed, went to the bathroom and then padded through to the kitchen in her pyjamas. She stared blankly at the shelves of the pantry until her message tone went again. It was Tim.

.

_It was great to see you, Marie. Don't be a stranger. I was thinking about everything you said, and it's pretty clear that you are looking for any factual reason you can find to forgive your sister, because you think she's worth forgiving. You may not find a factual reason, but I don't think you need one. Nobody wanted Hank to die, not even Walt. This might sound harsh, but what honestly happened was that he just got in the way. No-one could have foreseen what happened. It was the fault of some gang assholes and of Walt for doing what he did and putting Hank in the position he put him in. Since they are all dead, the DEA, most of the media and the government are blaming Skyler instead. But it's your choice whether you follow them. It's your choice whether you lay any blame anywhere at all. I understand the desire to know exactly how and why and whose fault it was, but ultimately blame only hurts the blamer, not the blamed._

Marie frowned, snatched a box of cereal off the shelf and poured herself a bowl.

...

Skyler fell asleep near the end of the movie. Her head lolled on Flynn's shoulder, and Holly lay comfortably in her arms.

As the movie finished, Holly started attempting to sing I'm a Believer, but was actually singing, "I'm a beaver," and quite loudly.

"Shhh shhh," said Flynn. "Mom's sleeping."

Holly looked back at her mother and clapped her hand over her mouth. She looked up at Flynn and whispered, "Why is Mommy sleeping?"

"Because she's really tired."

"Why?"

"Because she's been having a hard time, and she-she's not feeling very well."

"Is she ok?"

"Well, we just have to look after her. Sh-she'll be ok. We just need to let her sleep when she needs to, a-and we need to tell her that she's wonderful and that we l-love her and we…want her to be around."

"I do love her a lot. I love Mommy. Mommy is really special." Holly leaned back, pulled Skyler's arm around herself and stuck her thumb in her mouth.

Flynn's message tone went. It was Marie. _How's your mom?_

_At the moment, asleep. She's still not well._

_What happened last night?_

_Last night she was ok actually. Holly convinced us to play board games. It was fun._

_Am I making her illness worse? We should talk, shouldn't we?_

_Not right now. Last night she was much more animated talking about normal things not connected to the trial. She needs to get away from it. We will look after her here._

Marie took an uneasy breath and put down her phone on the counter. Then she abruptly picked it up again. _Where is she sleeping? In her room? Because you mustn't leave her alone._

_She's on the sofa. No I'm not leaving her alone, I understand that, but I'm quite concerned that both you and Kim keep telling me that._

_Just don't leave her alone. She's not well._

_Did she hurt herself?_

_What a fucking mess. I am livid with her and sickeningly worried at the same time. Sickeningly worried._

_Don't worry. We'll look after her._

Holly sat up again. "Finn can we watch Shrek 2?"

"Sure. I have that on my hard drive too, I-I'll just have a look for it."

"I'm hungry. Can we have food?"

"How about I order us some pizza?"

"Pizza? Yay!"

"Shhhhh." Flynn picked up his phone.

Skyler came to to the sound of Flynn ordering a family-sized Hawaiian pizza. It had to be Hawaiian because that was Holly's favourite. Skyler couldn't focus on the words, her mind still heavy with sleep, but she found the sound of his voice comforting. She could feel Holly's tiny fingers rubbing her arm and hand, stroking it in circles and gently poking and pulling her fingers. Occasionally she made a child's grunt or gasp. Skyler kept her eyes closed and focused on how good this felt. She knew it wouldn't last, but for now, she felt amazing.

Flynn hung up the phone. "Are they coming?" asked Holly.

"Yeah."

"When will they get here?"

"The lady said m-maybe 20 minutes."

"20 minutes," Holly repeated. "20 minutes." She gripped Skyler's thumb and forefinger in her tiny hands.

"What are you doing to Mom's hand?" asked Flynn.

"I love how her skin feels."

"Well don't wake her up."

"It's ok, I'm touching really gently."

"Ok."

"Finn?"

"Yeah."

"I love you."

Flynn laughed. "I love you too."

"I also really love Mommy."

"So do I."

"I love her all the time."

"Yeah. Well, love isn't something you only do s-sometimes. It's an…all the time thing."

"Yeah. Can we watch the movie now?"

"Sure."

Flynn put on the movie, and Holly pulled Skyler's arm close around herself and hugged it. Skyler kissed her on the head and opened her eyes.

...

Marie served a bowl of pasta for one, set it on the table and remembered how much she hated this. Picking the bowl up, she walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. She turned on the TV, lifted the bowl up so that it was balanced partly on her chest, and began to eat.

As so often happened, the TV was no escape from her tortured mind because Skyler's face was all over it. This time it was a panel show whose members were making various statements of surprise and outrage at how incredibly long the trial had gone on, and attempting to count up how many adjournments there had been.

"I can understand if there are good reasons for adjournment," said a young female panellist who seemed to have particularly strong opinions on the matter, "but a bunch of times they did it because of 'the defendant's health'. What does that even mean?"

"Well she always looks like death warmed up, doesn't she?"

"Yeah but I didn't know the defendant's health was a thing that was required for a trial, I mean if she's sick can't they put her in another room somewhere else?"

"No they have to have the defendant there, they have a legal right to hear the arguments and all the charges being brought against them."

"Another room with audio, then! I just can't believe they're drawing it out this long, it's costing the taxpayer so much money!"

"While no information has been released as to what kind of health problem Mrs White has been suffering, there have been rumours that it is a mental health problem, which gives rise to the question, is she fit to stand trial? If you have an opinion on this, you can text the number on your screen to let us know. On the text line so far, Jared in Arkansas says, 'Hurry up and sentence her, we all know she's guilty.' Matt in Texas says, 'No more pass outs, she is faking it to get the jury's sympathy.' Jillian in New York says, 'The longer the trial the better, it's important to take into account all evidence and this is a complex case, it will take as long as it takes.' Juanita in California says, 'Mrs White is a victim of domestic violence and the trail is retraumatising her, hashtag it's not her fault.' Sharon in North Carolina says, 'Do the crime, do the time, and hurry up about it.' Aaron in New Mexico says, 'Show us all this new evidence and let us decide the punishment. My nephew and countless others died using meth, we need to send a message to the scumbags dealing it that we will catch them and we will grind them into the dust.'

Marie's message tone went. It was Skyler. _I want to apologise for Thursday night. That must have been pretty horrible for you to witness. I'm sorry._

Marie winced. Yes it was horrible. She couldn't get the images out of her mind. _Thanks. Are you ok?_

_Today was good. I'm glad for today. How about you?_

_That's good. I'm ok._

_I don't want you to go to court tomorrow. I'm sorry to ask. There's something Kim is going to present that would upset you and I don't want you to hear it._

_What is it?_

_The phone conversation between me and Walt after he took Holly. You were there, you heard my half already. You don't need to hear his. It's not something you can unhear._

_When he told you Hank was dead._

Skyler, butting out her first cigarette on the back wall of her apartment, immediately lit another one as she thought about what to say back. She had nothing. The elephant in the room had come and stomped on them again. Skyler could not imagine a time when that would not happen, but she was very grateful for the length of time that had passed before the last time that elephant had crushed her. It had been borrowed time, she knew. Everything was open now.

"John from Texas says, 'Lock her up and throw away the key!' Maria in New York says, 'In response to Aaron from New Mexico, Mrs White isn't one of those scumbags in control of the drugs that continue to hurt so many people. She is a mere pawn in their game, a victim as much as your nephew. Grinding her into the dust will do nothing to stop drugs.' What do you think about that idea, panel members? It is statistically true that it's the smaller players in the drugs industry who are prosecuted far more often than the big fish, simply because they are easier to catch and easier to prosecute - the big fish don't leave nearly so much of a trail behind them. But does that mean that we shouldn't bother prosecuting the small fish? Does it, as Maria says, do nothing to stop drugs?"

"No, cos you have to catch whoever you can, otherwise there will be more and more of them and more and more drugs, and no deterrent for others to join them."

"Yeah."

"But then there are those who would argue that Skyler White was never a drug dealer, and that she did not choose to join anyone, she was merely dragged into it by her husband."

"Yes, well she doesn't fit the standard boxes that we tend to use for this sort of discussion, but I actually agree with Aaron because the thing is that she had the opportunity to turn in and take down a major player, a major kingpin in the drug industry, and she didn't. Not only that but she actually helped him cover up his crimes. Punishing her harshly for that could encourage others in the same situation to speak up rather than hide away."

"I think she did encourage them to do so herself, she's stated several times publicly that she wishes she hadn't done what she did and she wishes she had spoken up."

"Good, well that's a good example she's setting now, and then if we also send her to prison for nine years it can be a good deterrent as well."

"But does that, and this is where the argument gets more complex, does that then serve as a deterrent _against_ people confessing and helping police and committing to face the music like she has done? She had the opportunity to run away with her husband and she didn't."

"She wasn't gonna do that, she has two kids dependent on her."

"Can't do much for them in prison."

"We could argue ifs, buts and maybes until the cows come home; the point is it _is_ still worth prosecuting small players, because there has to be justice done somewhere, wherever we can get it."

"Do you think the federal government should be investing more resources into catching those bigger players?"

"Yes absolutely, but that's easier said than done, and meantime we have a smaller player there and we have to throw the book at her."

"There is a vocal minority group - well, I say vocal but actually they're mostly just sharing posts and raving on social media - one of the texters referenced it earlier, the movement is called '#It'sNotHerFault'. It was started by a feminist Facebook page a few months ago, and claims that Mrs White is a victim and not a criminal. Posts made by the group claim that she had no choice over what she did by virtue of the fact that she was controlled by an emotionally abusive and overpowering husband, and that she is now being blamed for his crimes. The group further maintains that were he still alive, she would not have been the subject of a felony 2 trial or of nearly so much social vilification, because he would've got that instead. The group's petition claims Mrs White is a scapegoat and a victim, and now has over 7,000 signatures."

"What's a petition like that gonna do, though? What are they asking for?"

"Drop all charges."

"Oh, that's ridiculous."

"Do you think the DEA would not have gone after her so hard if they had her husband to prosecute instead?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't still have prosecuted her. She may not have been vilified socially as much though - they could be right there."

"Don from Montana says, 'What a slippery whore, she controlled White and Beneke and blamed them for her crimes, what a slut, prison is too good for her.'"

"Why am I watching this?" grunted Marie and turned the television off angrily. She stood up and began pacing the living room. She looked at her phone. A reply had come in from Skyler and she hadn't realised. She opened it.

_Yes. You can't unhear it. I'm sorry. Please stay away tomorrow._

Marie hit the call button, then cancelled it. She didn't want to endanger her sister's health by potentially yelling at her down the phone or hanging up on her. If she did that on the phone she couldn't control what would happen next.

_What else is on tomorrow?_

_The closing addresses._

_I wanna hear those._

_The hearing opens at 9. The phone call probably won't take very long. Come at 9:30?_

_No, it wasn't a long phone call. I'll come earlier than that and wait outside._

_Thank you._

_Did he say it in a really awful way?_

_Yes._

_Dave said I should confront things, not run away from them._

_Not like this. It wouldn't help. It'd make it worse._


	28. Chapter 28

"_Skyler? Do you hear me? Answer the phone!"_

"_Walt. Where's Holly?"_

"_Are you alone? No police?"_

"_No. No police. Where are you? Where's Holly? Walt!"_

"_What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you do one thing I say!"_

"_What?"_

"_This is your fault. This is what comes of your disrespect! I told you, Skyler. I warned you for a solid year: you cross me, there will be consequences. What part of that didn't you understand?"_

"_You took my child!"_

"_Because you need to learn!"_

"_You bring her back!"_

"_Maybe now you'll listen, maybe now you'll use your damn head! You know, you never believed in me. You were never grateful for anything I did for this family! Oh no, Walt, Walt, you have to stop! You have to stop this! It's immoral, it's illegal! Someone might get hurt! You're always whining and complaining about how I make my money, just dragging me down, while I do everything. And now, now you tell my son what I do, after I have told you and told you to keep your damn mouth shut! You stupid bitch! How dare you?"_

"_I'm sorry."_

"_You... you have no right to discuss anything about what I do! Oh, what the hell do you know about it anyway? Nothing! I built this - me, me alone! Nobody else!"_

"_You're right. You're right."_

"_You mark my words, Skyler. Toe the line, or you will wind up just like Hank."_

"_Walt. Tell me what happened. Where is Hank? Please. We need to know."_

"_You're never gonna see Hank again. He crossed me! You think about that. Family or no. You let that sink in."_

"_Walt. I just want Holly back. Please, Walt. Just come home."_

"_I've still got things left to do."_

Skyler was bent double in her chair, her hands over her head and her thumbs blocking her ears. Silence descended and she looked up, shaking.

"Defence counsel, do you have any more evidence to present?" said Judge Stephens.

"No, Your Honour," said Kim. She looked at the jury. "With that demonstration of total control and emotional abuse by Walter over Skyler, I rest my case. Skyler White is a victim, not a criminal."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that concludes the presentation of evidence in this trial," said the judge. "We will now hear the closing arguments, starting with the Prosecution. Mr Martin."

Prosecutor Martin stood. "Your Honour, I'm glad I get to follow that. Members of the jury, I would like you to critically question the Defence's decision to prevent that piece of evidence at this time. The last piece of evidence, at the very end of the trial. They have put that there so that it will be forefront in your minds when you retire to consider your verdict. It is a particularly obvious emotional manipulation, but as jury members you cannot give in to your emotions. You have to follow logical and reasonable arguments made by myself and my learned colleague as to whether Mrs White is or is not guilty. Your job is not to let any emotions or beliefs or even values cloud your judgement. Your job is to look at cold hard facts. It is a fact that that was a real phone call that you just heard, recorded by Albuquerque Police on the evening Walter White ran away. It is a fact that that was his voice on the other end of the line and that he did say those things at that time to his wife. That does _not_ prove that he said similar things to her prior to that. The fact that the Defence has chosen to present this evidence last, after the defendant herself has already given her evidence and therefore she cannot now be questioned on it, is something that you should look at critically. You should ponder why they chose to present that so late in the trial that nobody now has a chance to ask any questions about it. Had I been given the chance to ask Mrs White questions about that phone call, I would've asked her whether her husband spoke to her that way often, sometimes, infrequently, or whether it was just that one time. And I would've asked her why a man with verifiable intelligence such as his would have in his wildest dreams supposed that she would be alone just a couple of hours after her son had called the police, her brother-in-law had gone missing and her daughter had been abducted. And then I would've asked myself whether I thought he did really think she was alone with no police, or whether he didn't. Whether he made that phone call and said those things to her precisely because he knew the police were listening."

"Objection!" Kim jumped to her feet. "Conjecture!"

Judge Stephens dropped her head to the side and looked at her. "You're not meant to object during the closing statements, Ms Wexler."

Prosecutor Martin smirked.

"It is yet to be established whether or not you are making a closing statement, though, Mr Martin," the judge continued. "You have been speaking for several minutes and I am yet to hear any summary of your evidence."

Martin's smirk fell. "I'm commenting on the Defence's evidence, Your Honour."

"Kindly stop and make your summary, please."

"Very well." Prosecutor Martin glanced down at his notes. The door at the back of the courtroom clicked open as Marie entered the public gallery.

"Skyler White is an intelligent and calculating woman. Her intelligence is amply demonstrated by her having graduated magna cumme laude from an accounting degree, a discipline which requires not only intelligence but the ability to logically interpret numbers which look very much the same, and the patience to find the differences between them. It requires a cool and calm head. Her training was also, of course, what equipped her to be able to launder money through the account books of a busy car wash business, and we heard from Agent Delanos early on in the trial that the DEA forensic investigation team found the accounts of Mrs White's car wash to be particularly difficult to crack. Agent Delanos said that his team would not even have been able to tell that money laundering had taken place in that business were it not for the external evidence. The defendant had hidden the illegal funds so well that the accounts on their own told them nothing. If it weren't for the external evidence and her own admissions, they wouldn't have even noticed that money had been laundered at A1A Car Wash.

"Speaking of her own admissions, it is very much worth mentioning that Mrs White did confess to money laundering. The Defence has never tried to claim that she didn't do it, only that she did it under duress. But the way in which she set up that business does not speak of a woman under duress. She, without assistance from her husband, engaged a conman to make the former owner of the business think that the Environmental Protection Agency were going to close him down for leaching chemicals into the environment. She found the business, decided she wanted to buy it, or at least that she wanted her husband to buy it, but the owner wouldn't sell it to her, so she hired a conman whom she worked with, reciting environmental protection laws verbatim into his ear throughout his meeting with former carwash owner Bogdan Wolynetz. Mrs White told the conman, Patrick Kuby, what to say, and the con worked. Mr Wolynetz believed that the EPA were gonna close his car wash down, and so he sold it to her. Mr Wolynetz testified that throughout the various offers and negotiations that went on in the sale of the business, he dealt only with the defendant and not with her husband. He said the only time he saw her husband was after everything had already been done and he came to collect the keys. Everything else was done by the defendant: the detailed analysis of the business's activities, the calculation of the offer based on what she determined all on her own that the business must be making – on which, Mr Wolynetz said, she was absolutely correct. She must have watched that business for days to figure out the customer numbers, and put many more hours into studying comparable business values and real estate values - an enormous amount of effort of her own went into obtaining that business. Not to mention the illegal conning of a man. The defendant's husband could have demanded she run a car wash for him all he liked, but if she didn't want to do it, she wouldn't have been able to. She wouldn't have been able to obtain the business in the first place, and she wouldn't have been able to run it, because to launder the money took hours of planned and calculated manipulation of the accounts, and he wouldn't have known if she wasn't doing that. If she didn't want to work for him, if she didn't want to hide the drug money in that business, she could have just done a bad job. Walter White was a chemist - he didn't know how accounts worked! He would've noticed when the IRS or the police came knocking on his door, but not before. Mrs White is a thorough and calculating person, and no-one other than her can have done that work to calculate how much to offer Mr Wolynetz, to con Mr Wolynetz, and to launder millions of dollars through that business's accounts without detection. And she has admitted to it.

"She may have been leaned upon by her husband to do this. But the fact that she did it so well clearly shows that she wanted to.

"One surprising piece of evidence we were presented with was from agent of the IRS. His team had discovered that A1A Car Wash was not the only business whose accounts Mrs White had been doctoring. Beneke Fabricators had more than a million dollars of undocumented revenue, and as a result owed the federal government more than $600,000 in unpaid taxes. Ted Beneke has already been prosecuted for that. He took the fall for it. Mr Beneke claimed that Skyler White's role in it was very minor, just like her husband seemed to be claiming in that phone call we heard just before. The facts say otherwise. As the Accounts Manager of Beneke Fabricators, Skyler White checked and signed off on all of those accounts. And when the IRS questioned Mr Beneke on it, she showed up and pretended to be an unintelligent cashier with no accounting qualifications, giving a performance worthy of an Emmy! Now she was the con artist. And we can say for sure that her husband wasn't at all involved in that one, as it has recently been suggested that the defendant was conducting an illicit affair with Mr Beneke."

"Objection!" said Kim. "That was not covered in the trial and it is nothing more than the attention-grabbing ramblings of a disgruntled ex-employee who-"

"Yes, yes, Ms Wexler," said the judge. "Objection sustained, it wasn't covered in the trial, no evidence has been presented on that: jury members please disregard."

Prosecutor Martin smiled. "My point, Your Honour, is that this was another occasion when Mrs White acted without her husband to very ably accomplish a con and a felony."


	29. Chapter 29

Marie grabbed a sandwich from the courthouse cafe and ate it nervously, her stomach tying itself in knots. It didn't help that she was utterly sick of the three varieties of sandwich the cafe offered. It wasn't wise to go anywhere outside the courthouse because of the swarms of media that jumped on her and Skyler any time they left the building, so Marie had been to the courthouse cafe far more times than she would've liked or would've agreed to do under any normal circumstance. She ate all of their salad offerings multiple times, got sick of them and moved on to the sandwiches, and got sick of those even more quickly. Skyler didn't seem to have been in there nearly as often. Marie suspected she wasn't even eating.

Marie wanted to speak to her, but she didn't think it was wise now, right after the Prosecution's summary arguments. She'd probably say something unkind.

Marie leapt out of her seat when she saw Kim sweep briskly into the cafe, grab a sandwich and line up for a coffee. "Hi!" Marie said loudly.

Kim turned. "Hi, Marie."

"How are things going?"

"Probably too soon to tell. And this is not the place to be speculating."

"Oh yeah. Alright. Any news on the other thing?"

"Not sure what you're talking about there."

Marie's face fell. "Alright." She nodded. "Alright."

"It's almost over, one way or the other. Then you and the rest of your family can have your lives back." Kim reached the front of the queue. "Just this and a coffee please," she said to the waitress. "To go."

"I don't know about that," said Marie solemnly.

Kim accepted her change and cup and walked briskly to the coffee station.

"I don't know about that at all."

...

"Skyler White did not choose any of this. An appropriate metaphor to use would be that of boiling a lobster. You start with a cool temperature in the water, and gradually increase it. The lobster doesn't resist because it doesn't understand what's happening until it's too late. When Skyler first found out that her husband was a criminal, she thought that he was dealing marijuana. This is illegal and dangerous, and if you pay off your mortgage using funds gained from that you do run the risk that the government will take your house. But I think most people in this room would agree that dealing marijuana is not nearly as bad as making methamphetamine, building an empire out of it and killing people. That is something I think most of us would report to the police if we discovered that it was happening, however if we discovered that someone close to us was selling marijuana, some of us would report that to the police but others wouldn't. We would take into account our loved one's reasons for doing it, and we would also take a check of ourselves and our families, and figure out whether this loved one being arrested for dealing marijuana would cause more harm than it would prevent.

"Skyler was horrified when she found out that her husband was dealing marijuana. He wasn't, but that's what she thought he was doing. She was so horrified that she kicked him out of their house and commenced divorce proceedings. Her moral standing as a person is pretty clear from that. But she judged that telling her family the reason that she was divorcing him would cause more harm than it would prevent. Walter then took direct control over Skyler's choices for the first time, moving back into the house without her permission. It was the first time, because Walter White wasn't always a bad person. He changed - I don't know why he changed, I believe many psychologists are studying that with great interest right now. The rest of us in this room, those of us who only ever heard of him after he hit the news as a methamphetamine kingpin and multiple murderer, cannot understand why anyone would ever want to protect him or help him. But Skyler didn't marry a methamphetamine kingpin and multiple murderer. She married a school teacher. Well, actually he was a chemist when they met; he was working for a laboratory, so he was a bit of a geek. He became a school teacher a few years after that, and she knew him as a loving husband and father, along the lines as their son Flynn described him in the television interview we saw presented about the fundraising website. The family knew him as a man worth saving. When he became a criminal, he deliberately hid it from all of them, and he lived a double life for more than eighteen months before the day that he entered our news screens as a violent and terrifying drug kingpin.

"For Skyler, the knowledge of what her husband had become came very gradually. At first, as I said, she thought he was dealing marijuana. He admitted to her a short time after that that he was actually making methamphetamine. He specified to her that he was not a dealer but a manufacturer, and that he was working for someone else. She ended her relationship with him at that point, so she didn't need to know anything more about it. We could criticise her for turning a blind eye, but turning a blind eye is not illegal.

"Without her knowledge, Walter had been using his illegal money to pay their mortgage and other bills for many months before Skyler found out what he was doing. That meant that if the police ever found out, the federal government would seize their house and Skyler and her children would be homeless. Which is what ended up happening. Skyler was also very frightened of the people Walter was working with, knowing that drug criminals are dangerous and unpredictable, and that if Walter's working relationship with those criminals deteriorated, which also did end up happening multiple times, that she and her children could easily become collateral damage. So the more she thought about it, the more firm Skyler became in her decision that it was better for her and for her family if nobody found out what her husband was doing. Again, I must stress that she did not know that he was a murderer and drug dealer. He had told her that he was working in a lab for somebody else. Again, this is certainly a very illegal and very bad thing to do, and those of you in this room who thought that if you found out that someone you loved was dealing marijuana you maybe wouldn't turn them in to police, some more of you probably would if you found out that they were manufacturing methamphetamine. But it's still not nearly as bad as being a kingpin and multiple murderer. Remember the lobster in the pot. At this point, the heat is rising, but the lobster doesn't know it yet. The lobster feels the heat, but because it's rising so gradually, it doesn't perceive the danger.

"Unfortunately for Skyler, the whole situation snowballed from there. Her brother-in-law was badly injured and her sister was struggling to pay his medical bills. Skyler wanted to help, and Walter realised that she could also help him by laundering his money. He brought her in on meetings with his lawyer, Saul Goodman, who was running an illegal business himself brokering deals on money laundries and many other things as well, but Skyler didn't know that. She was only ever allowed to know the bare minimum of what was happening. Saul Goodman and Walter White brought her into the very edge of their web of illegal activity, and showed her just enough of it to convince her to launder the money. Walter wanted her to launder the money because he knew that she could do it well. He knew her very well, he knew what her training was, he knew what her experience was, and he knew how meticulous she is. When he took her to his meetings with Saul Goodman about money laundering, she thought that he was being honest with her. She came to know more than she had previously known, and she had no idea that it was just the tip of the iceberg. She didn't know he had killed multiple people, she didn't know he was at that time not a kingpin but a linchpin in an enormous methamphetamine enterprise covering five states and run by a very dangerous man called Gustavo Fring. Without a money laundry, Walter knew that his crimes would be discovered, and he knew that Skyler would be the perfect solution to that problem, so he shared with her just enough information about it to draw her into the fold. And that was how Walter White operated - it was the sort of thing he did all the time. He was a master of manipulation, as has been described by Skyler, her son Flynn, her sister Marie and also by DEA ASAC Hoffman, whom we met very early in the trial. ASAC Hoffman described a man who was friendly and affable and seemed to be a genuinely good guy, and he said that none of the DEA agents even questioned why this man repeatedly visited his brother-in-law Hank Schrader at work. He manipulated them all into thinking he was just there to have a friendly talk, and ASAC Hoffman said that he only realised later that Walter must actually have been there to try and get information on the Heisenberg case.

"To go back to our lobster analogy, Walt's manipulation kept turning the heat up on the water in the pot, but it was still so gradual that Skyler didn't perceive the danger, primarily because she still trusted him. She thought, as did ASAC Hoffman, that he was an affable and good guy. He was doing the wrong thing, but he told her over and over that he was only doing it so that his family would not be indebted by the cost of his cancer treatment. She still thought that he was a school teacher, a gentle and not at all dangerous person, who had a part-time job working in a lab making methamphetamine for somebody else. I am not saying that that is not a bad thing to do. I am not saying that someone who has knowledge of such a crime should not report it. But I am saying that the punishment for hiding knowledge of a crime like that would not be nearly as severe as what Mrs White is now facing. I'm saying that you should judge her and punish her based on what _she _thought she was doing, and on what she knew at the time when she was doing it, not on what we all found out afterwards.

"Getting back to the story, the water in the pot was about to get really hot. Another lab chemist, Gail Boetticher, was murdered, and Gustavo Fring threatened the lives of every single one of Skyler's family, even her infant daughter. She and her children fled to her sister and brother-in-law's house. She spent three days there absolutely petrified and unable to say a thing to either her family or the DEA, because criminals had threatened to kill her entire family and if she told the DEA who those criminals were, that threat would increase markedly. If she had told a single soul then, her children and her whole family could have been killed. In fact, she believed they would be. The safest thing for all of them was if she kept her mouth shut.

"This is the point when the lobster realised that the water was now so hot it was being cooked alive. The lobster realises this too late; its body has already begun to shut down and it cannot escape. For Skyler, the water got still hotter from there. She was shocked and terrified when, three days later, Gustavo Fring was blown up in a nursing home with two other men, and Skyler realised that the person who had done this was her husband. This was a shock to her because she still thought he was a misguided school teacher up until that point. So when you think to yourself why would anyone, even if they did love the person, why would anyone knowingly help and protect a man who could build a bomb to blow up three people in a nursing home, just remember that she didn't know he could do that until she was already being cooked alive in the water and she had no way out.

"From there, the water got hotter still. Walter became a kingpin, he killed many more people, he raped Skyler, he controlled her in every way, he put her children in danger and made her live in fear. All so that she would launder his money for him because she had no other choice.

"By the time her brother-in-law Hank Schrader found out what Walter was doing, Skyler herself had become connected to enough crimes to justify her facing this three week-long trial for second degree felony. Schrader didn't realise this, so when he met with her to ask her to help him put her husband in prison, he denied her legal representation. So she ran away from him because she was panicking and she didn't want him to arrest her. At this point, the water in the pot was so hot that she couldn't move at all. As Dr Murchison explained, in emotionally abusive relationships involving crime, the abused partner becomes literally unable to distinguish between their interests and their partner's interests. Completely unable to recognise that if they gave their partner up to the police, they would do a lot better than if they didn't. Skyler was so strongly controlled by her husband for so long that she lost her sense of self and was literally unable to realise this, and unable distinguish her needs from his. She fled her brother-in-law because he denied her legal representation, and then she went home to her husband and just stayed there. Paralysed. Unable to move.

"Her brother-in-law Hank Schrader went after Walter by himself, and he and his colleague Steve Gomez were tragically killed in the course of that. I asked Judge Stephens early on to rule out reference to that in this trial because Skyler had nothing to do with it. She was under Walter's complete control, and she never had anything to do with the violent criminals he associated with. One of the reasons so few of them have been identified and prosecuted is that Skyler didn't know anything about them. After her husband fled, she gave the DEA her full co-operation. She told them everything she knew. And as ASAC Hoffman testified, they discovered that that amounted to barely anything.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have also requested wherever I could for Walter White's crimes to be left out of this trial because they were committed by him, not Skyler. His crimes were horrible - no-one is denying that. All Skyler did, however, was run a car wash, and she did that because she was manipulated into doing so by Walter. He controlled her in an emotionally abusive way, and in a literal way when he trapped her living in fear in their house having sent their children away to be safer elsewhere, and he raped her and forced her to continue working for him. And when she refused to go with him when he was discovered by police, he physically attacked her, threw her to the ground and pressed her into the floor with one hand while holding a knife in the other, as we heard her son Flynn describe in agonising detail, which caused Skyler to collapse to the floor of the courtroom, a small demonstration of the enormity of the trauma that she suffered at the hands of her husband.

"Walter White committed scores of horrible crimes, and many people are very angry about that, but Skyler is a victim, not a co-conspirator. In your consideration of a verdict, you must not consider your opinions on the horror of Walter's crimes, because Skyler didn't commit them, Walter did, and, like the lobster in the pot, she didn't know nearly the extent of what he was doing until it was far too late for her to intervene. If she had found out like we did that he was a methamphetamine kingpin and multiple murderer, of course she would've gone to the police. She desperately wishes she had, and she suffers from tremendous remorse, which has made her quite unwell. The vast majority of horrible things that Walter did, Skyler found out about at the same as we all did. She has stated many times that if she had known, she would not have helped him, but she didn't know. A geeky schoolteacher lured her in, then became a frightening criminal kingpin who trapped her and forced her to do his bidding.

"As jurors, it is your job to be as rational as you can in weighing up all the evidence to deliver justice as best you can. Think about what Skyler is responsible for, not what Walter is responsible for. She is on trial here, not him. Her life hangs in the balance; her punishment is what you are deciding, not his. I also want you to think about how different this scene might look, and how different this trial might have been, if Walter White was still alive and if he had been caught and prosecuted for his crimes. Do you think the media, the public and the DEA would've been more or less focused on Skyler if that were the case? Less. Certainly less. They might still have prosecuted her, but they would've been more lenient; their focus would've been entirely on him, and therefore so would the media's and the public's. They would be baying for the blood of Walter White, and through a fair prosecution and trial, they would get it. Unfortunately they can't because he's dead. So are they now baying for the blood of Skyler White because of what she did _or _just because they didn't get the chance to bay for the blood of Walter White? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is your job to deliver justice. Scapegoating is not justice.

"The final thing I want you to bear in mind is the phone call between Walter and Skyler that I presented as my final piece of evidence to this court. The Prosecution claimed that I had chosen to present it last in order to deny them the chance to ask Skyler any questions about it. Well she has been asked questions about it - she was asked very thoroughly about it by the DEA right after it happened and I've read that interview - the court can make it available for you to look at if you wish. I chose not to question Skyler on that in this trial and the Prosecution obviously chose not to either, because it doesn't add anything to the phone call. The phone call stands alone. I didn't present it at the end of the trial in order to deny anyone the chance to talk about it - you can talk about it as much as you like in the jury room, and you can read Skyler's interviews about it. I presented it last because it stands on its own, it doesn't need any explanation, it makes everything crystal clear, and it perfectly summarises this entire case. Walter White yells at her, threatens her, belittles her, swears at her, says he has taken her daughter to punish her. All things that a controlling and emotionally abusive husband will do. He also criticises her for, in his words, trying to 'bring him down' by telling him _not_ to make money by breaking the law, and he says that he built his criminal enterprise alone without any help from her. It sums the whole situation up. That's why I presented it last, it is a crystal clear summary of everything that happened between Walter and Skyler White."


	30. Chapter 30

Marie sat on one of the sofas in the lobby of the courthouse jiggling her feet. She fiddled with the leaves of the fake plant next to the sofa. She checked her phone. She had texted Flynn asking him if he would pick up Holly from day care. She saw the clerk of the court go by heading for the cafe, and saw him returning holding a cup of coffee a few minutes later. She looked at the media swarm on the other side of the windows. They scared her. She looked back.

Finally, Skyler and Kim appeared. Marie stood. Skyler saw her and slowed her pace. Marie walked over to meet her. "Do you wanna get a cup of coffee or something?" she said.

"Sure." Skyler nodded glumly.

"Are you two ok on your own?" said Kim. "I've gotta get to the airport."

"Oh, you're leaving?" said Marie.

"No, my partner's flying in for a mini break. It'll probably be a few days before the jury reach a verdict, so we're gonna enjoy ourselves." She looked at Skyler. "You should do the same. But I will still be available if you need anything, very available - just give me a call."

"Thanks Kim, you've done really well," said Marie.

"Yeah," said Skyler.

"Above and beyond," said Marie. "No matter what happens from here, you have been outstanding and we really appreciate it." Marie gave Kim a hug.

"Thanks, Marie."

"No, thank you."

Kim turned to Skyler, who was looking on awkwardly. "Hang in there, ok?" she said. "It'll get better. I promise you it will." She gave Skyler a tight hug.

"Thank you so much," Skyler whispered.

"No problem. I am just at the other end of the phone."

"Ok."

"See ya." Kim patted Skyler on the shoulder and walked off towards the revolving doors of the courthouse.

Skyler and Marie stood before each other awkwardly, neither making eye contact.

"So, in the interests of avoiding the media, do you wanna go to the cafe here?" said Marie.

"Sure. Yeah."

The women turned and walked slowly towards the cafe. Neither of them said anything to each other until both had ordered. Marie checked her phone. Then Skyler said, "I'll get this."

"With what? You haven't worked in four weeks."

"It just goes on my credit card."

"What are you gonna pay that off with? No, I'll get it."

"Well whether I owe $14,000 or $14,007 doesn't make much difference, so I might as well get it."

"Fourteen THOUSAND dollars?"

Skyler shrugged, holding out the credit card.

"Just wait a second," said Marie to the waitress, then turned back to Skyler. "Have you had anything to eat today?"

"Breakfast." Skyler had forced herself to eat one slice of toast that morning. It had felt like swallowing sandpaper.

"Can we get one of those chocolate cheesecakes as well, please," said Marie to the waitress, pushing Skyler's hand out of the way and handing over her credit card.

"I'm ok, I'm not hungry."

"They're huge, we can share. Sugar, protein and calcium. It's not healthy but it's better than nothing, and it is also the tastiest thing they have here."

"Really."

Marie grabbed their order number and two forks and lead Skyler to a table that was away from other patrons. Both sat. They still didn't make eye contact.

Marie cleared her throat and fiddled with her fork. "So listen, um... I just wanted to say that I have been trying really hard to understand everything and to find a way to deal with it. Well yeah, find a way to deal with it. That's how Dave would phrase it. It's not something that I should expect to understand or to get over, and that's ok, there's nothing wrong with that - I just need to find a way to deal with it, for us to deal with it so that we can move past it."

"You don't have to."

Marie put her hands on the table, sighed and raised her eyes. She looked at Skyler's face, but Skyler's eyes didn't meet hers. "You need to put aside this idea that you don't deserve to, I don't know, have me in your life or have me buy you half a cheesecake or whatever. And you need to stop looking like a deflated balloon every time the idea of me trying to deal with this, to deal with you, comes up. I'm just, I'm just... Do you know what the problem is? The problem is that you have been overtaken by this idea that our relationship only consists of me giving things to you. Giving you understanding, giving you consideration, giving you compassion, giving you cheesecake."

"Rent, child minding, defending me in court. First aid."

"That is not how you quantify a relationship. A relationship is not something that should be quantified, it's something that exists of its own accord and both parties put into it and both parties take out from it. I know I have taken plenty from you over the years. But it exists for other reasons, reasons that don't disappear, and they shouldn't disappear. So that's why I'm trying to deal with this. I'm angry with you for putting it on me. For doing it in the first place and then for putting it on me now in this manner. But I am trying to deal with it and I would like you to engage with me on that. You're saying that you can't explain it away; I say that's not true because we've done it before. It was really hard and things were really shit for a while because I'd just lost my husband and I didn't...and I didn't…" Marie's eyes moistened, and Skyler's head dropped.

"And I do want to talk to you because I -"

The waitress appeared with a tray carrying their drinks and cake. She set the tray down and placed each item on the table one by one as Skyler and Marie breathed in and out. Skyler's fingers rubbed together and Marie's kept playing with the fork.

"Thank you," said Marie as the waitress left. "I don't wanna fight with you and ignore you, I wanna check in on you because I'm worried sick about you. And that's pretty hard to be angry and worried at the same time, but there you go. Here I am. And I want you to know that even if... I mean I'm trying, I'm trying really hard again to talk myself through this, but even if I can't and even if we are not the same ever again or if we fall apart or... I still wouldn't mean you any harm. And if I found out that something had happened to you, I would be devastated. So don't, please please don't..."

"I'm really sorry. I really scared you and shocked you and I didn't mean for you to see it, and obviously I should have just answered my phone so that you didn't freak out and come over, but I couldn't even think, I couldn't connect those dots in my head, and I didn't even realise when you arrived in my apartment. I was in this... stupor, alternate consciousness, I don't know, everything was so foggy in my mind - I couldn't hear properly, I couldn't connect with reality at all until you arrived."

"Where you hallucinating?"

"No, but I'd lost control. It's happened once or twice before, it's really frightening. It's not something I mean to do. It's not something I want to do. I lost control."

Marie looked at Skyler with deep concern. "It's a good job I came then," she said quietly.

"No it isn't, you were so upset, I traumatised you and then I threw this onto you in the worst possible way and… then I threw Flynn into it the next night, and… I mean I should have just had the balls to tell you much sooner in a much better way. I didn't even mean to tell you that night - well of course I didn't because I didn't mean for you to be there, it just kind of fell out of me because you were being kind to me yet again and I didn't think you should."

"I was not being kind to you, I was giving first aid. I would do that even if I hated you."

"I don't regret telling you. In case you were wondering. Or the DEA. I was thinking about it for a long time before that. I needed to get it out and I need to be punished for it. And you have the right to know."

Marie tipped multiple sachets of Stevia into her herbal tea and stirred it around. "Ok, well... I'm trying to work through it, and... But listen, I just wanna say, the most important thing really is your health and safety. And no matter what happens between us in the future, even if we're fighting or not speaking or whatever, if you are ever thinking of self-harm or suicide, please tell me. I need you to be around and in one piece, ok? I don't care if it's the middle of the night or anytime, anything, call me and I will be there. If you're in prison I guess they probably don't let you call me in the middle of the night so tell someone on duty there, and get them to help you and then I will come as soon as I can and I will be by your side and I will do anything to try and lift you back up away from that."

Skyler leaned forward onto her knees and buried her head in her hands.

"And that's for completely selfish reasons on my part because I don't wanna lose you! Even if I am foaming at the mouth angry with you I still don't wanna lose you!"

"I don't deserve you."

"This is not about you. You can't be destroying our relationship because you think that you don't deserve me. How about you consider that I don't deserve to lose the most significant relationship that I have. I am not better off without you."

"I'm so sorry."

"Thank you. Alright, shut up and listen. I had for most of my adult life two people that I was closest to. I have friends too, yes, some of them have been very supportive, but I haven't known them for as long or as consistently as I've known you and Hank. That's for my adult life; with you obviously it's for my entire life. And Dave said that things and people that were there when we were really small actually become part of who we are and part of our own sense of security as a person. Dr Jensen's talked about that as well with Holly. Part of your identity is wrapped up in the people who were around you way back then, and it can feel really unsettling if you lose them. So there's that, and then there's the fact that in my adult life it was always the two of you. You were the two people that I trusted the most, who were always there, who most of the time anyway didn't judge me, unless I did awful things and then both of you got mad at me at different times, but you didn't reject me because of it. You got angry at me, told me so, then got over it. And I think having someone that you can get angry at and speak the complete truth to, even unpleasant truths, I think it's really helpful to have someone that you can be so honest with. And to know that even if you fight, at the end of the day you can still rely on that relationship to endure. Are you following me here?"

Skyler nodded.

"Good. Now eat some cheesecake. Actually I really want some too." Marie flipped the fork she had been playing with into the right position in her hand and pressed it into the most chocolatey part of the cheesecake, putting a large piece into her mouth. "Oh my god," she said. "That is amazing. Come on." She gestured at Skyler's fork, which Skyler tentatively picked up and took a tiny piece from the narrowest part of the cake.

Marie had another piece, and continued talking with her mouth still full. "Ok, so I had two people like that for most of my adult life. And I coulda lost both of them on the same day."

Skyler froze, her fork halfway to her mouth, and her eyes moistened. Marie paused and looked at her. Skyler slowly placed the fork with its uneaten piece of cheesecake back on the plate.

"Oh Jesus, eat it! This whole time I've had to worry about your nutrition on top of everything else! Anyway that's the truth - you know that, I know that, that's what almost happened. But I talked about it a lot with Dave, as you can imagine, and with almost anyone else who would listen, and I was going through a lot of other awful feelings at the time obviously, because I was mourning the loss of both of you! But eventually Dave helped me to see that I didn't have to lose both of you. Hank I didn't have a choice about - he was gone, that was it, nothing I could do about that, but with you I had a choice. I could choose not to lose you. And I did, and it took a bit of work to move past it, but back then, you engaged with me. You said to me I'm really sorry, I owe you an explanation, I'll answer all of your questions. And I asked a lot, and you calmly answered everything. Mostly calmly. That's what I want from you now. And it's what I wanted on Friday night - I went into that trying to just calmly ask you questions and talk to you about it, but you said things that were deliberately inflammatory - Flynn thinks you're trying to jeopardise our relationship by saying things deliberately that you know will anger me. Which is some feature of this self-destructive 'punish me, punish me' frenzy that you've worked yourself up into. Is that the case?"

"I hadn't thought about it like that." Skyler's voice was very small and the amount of cake missing from her side of the piece was tiny compared to the amount missing from Marie's. "I just think that I don't deserve everything you've given me, and all I've done is cause you more and more problems and worries, and I think you have the right to know what I've done and to make your own decision on whether you think I'm still worth being around. That's why I wanted you to be there in the public gallery for all of the trial - I didn't want Flynn to be there but I wanted you to be there because I think you have the right to know everything, no matter how bad it is, and if it is too bad then you have the right to break off contact with me."

Marie pursed her lips.

"And by the way, what Kim said just now was heavily dramatised and full of spin. What I told you and Flynn after Hank died was more truthful than that. And I have told Kim that as well, but it's her job to put a spin on it to counteract the Prosecution's spin. That's what she said, anyway. She's very good at spinning an argument to make you agree with her. So I went along with it, but I'm regretting it now."

"Why?"

"Because I deserve whatever I get."

"Including the loss of me."

"Yes. And by extension Holly, since you'll have her." Skyler gasped and hunched over, her arms on her knees.

"Hey, no. No, that is not going to happen. It does not matter what's going on between you and me - that is not going to affect Holly, no. I won't let it."

"How?"

"By being the bigger person. I can do that. I will not take you away from her."

Skyler met Marie's eyes for the first time, hers big and wet, Marie's sharp and firing.

"You'll notice how I phrased that. Not 'I won't take her away from you', it's 'I won't take you away from her.' She is my priority, always and absolutely. I will put whatever I am feeling aside so I can do what is best for her."

"Thank you." A tear fell down Skyler's cheek. "As her mother, I can't thank you enough for your care of her. You're amazing."

"She is. I'm just trying to make up for the damage caused by her deranged parents." Marie breathed heavily. "So, come on. Engage with me. Tell me everything you were feeling on the night you told Walt to kill Pinkman."

Skyler took a breath and sat up slowly, taking another bite of the cheesecake. "Fear. Resignation. Alcohol."

"Resignation to what?"

"Resignation that Walt and I were already horrible people who... were regular criminals, and he had killed a bunch of people already and… well that had just been going on and on for so long that I just thought one more wouldn't make any difference. But it did. Even before I found out what had really happened with Hank, I was... I couldn't believe I'd done that, couldn't believe I said that. And meant it. But then I thought, well, I was already a criminal and a horrible person before that, so it's not as if it was out of the ordinary or beyond me, or…" Skyler's eyes moved around, looking anywhere but at Marie. Marie's eyes remained fixed, looking at her sister for as long as they could, and then falling when she stopped talking. They sat in silence for a few long moments, and then Marie's eyes rose again.

"Alcohol?"

"Yeah, that was when we were in the hotel because we'd had to leave our house because it stank of gasoline. Walt left pretending to go and fill up the ice bucket, and he was gone for ages because he was meeting with Saul Goodman in his car outside. And then he came back and told some lie about there hadn't been any ice on our floor and he'd had to go to front desk and blah blah blah. I didn't even react to it at that point, I just said 'How's Saul? You were just talking to him in the parking lot.'"

"Asshole."

"Yeah anyway, they had those little spirit bottles in the mini bar, and I think I drank three of them while he was out and another when he got back. He actually asked me how much I'd had, come to think of it. He thought it was insane that I was actually suggesting that, actually telling him to do that. He said, 'How much have you had to drink?'"

"What did you think when you were sober the next day?"

"I couldn't really think anything then. So many thoughts screaming around my head. None of them stayed long enough for me to process them. I couldn't think coherently about anything - I can't now either, thoughts swim around and sometimes feelings, but mostly my mind is like wading through sludge. I'm just sitting in the middle of it somewhere unable to move. Kim's boiling lobster metaphor was pretty good, actually, except I think it's more boiling mud."

Marie nodded, and swallowed. "Fear?"

"What?"

"That was the third thing you mentioned before. When I said what were you feeling then."

"Oh god, yeah. Fear's the one thing that was worse about then than now. Now I'm afraid for myself, but I know the kids are ok. Thank Christ. But then I was just... It wasn't that long after Fring. They almost died. I was terrified. What if he'd burned down the house and they were inside? Or if he... He could have come back with a-a gun, or..." Her breath caught as adrenaline shot through her body. She wrapped her arms tightly around her torso.

"Alright. That didn't happen and it won't happen. Don't worry." Marie sighed. "You know what did, though? I wonder if this'll help me work it out. You know I went around to Tim Roberts' house the other day? Do you know him?"

"Yeah." Roberts was one of the kinder detectives who'd interviewed Skyler.

"Ok. Don't freak out about this because it didn't happen and none of you were there - the house was empty. But according to Tim, and I didn't know this because Hank didn't tell me, but apparently APD and the DEA know all about it because it was on that DVD that Hank and Steve made of their interview with Pinkman. They found the DVD and they found that information - anyway, the reason that Pinkman did not light the gasoline was that Hank was tailing him, and he saw him going into your house with a container of gasoline, and Hank stopped him from burning your house down."

Skyler's jaw dropped. "What?"

"That's what I said. Apparently it's in the video, Pinkman mentions it and then you can hear Hank's voice behind the camera saying like, you know like when the cop comes in and says, 'For the benefit of the tape, I observed the suspect doing blah.' Apparently Hank can clearly be heard saying that behind the camera. He observed that Pinkman had entered your house with a tank of gasoline, he drew his weapon and entered after him, and that was when he convinced Pinkman to inform for him. I didn't know about it. I got home that day and Hank showed me this drugged out guy asleep in our guest bedroom, and he told me that he was safer at our house than in custody, because Walt had killed people in custody before. So he said Pinkman was gonna help him in our house, and I said is this bad for Walt and he said yes, and I said ok fine, I didn't ask any more questions about it. And he obviously chose not to tell me about the gasoline thing because… then I would've been worried about you and the kids. I didn't even know about that until you told me last week because Hank didn't tell me, and you and Flynn didn't tell me because I guess it just got overshadowed by everything that happened after. And I was amazed and I was asking Tim about it and he was like, 'Oh yeah, didn't you know that?'"

Marie shook her head and took a long sip of her herbal tea. "Anyway. If Hank stopped Pinkman from burning your house down, then if Hank hadn't been there Pinkman would've burned your house down. None of you were there, so you wouldn't have been hurt, but there would've been an investigation. And initially the investigating officers wouldn't have had a clue what was going on, but it would've been clear that it was arson, and they would've been wanting to know why. At that point, would Hank have told them what was happening?" Marie breathed in and out, staring at an indiscriminate place on the floor. "Oh my god. I think he would have. I had been on at him to tell them the entire time. And that was before he told Steve. What happened was, I was telling him to tell them but he was struggling with it because he knew as soon as he told them they would fire him, so he went out on his own, which is presumably why he was following Pinkman in the first place - I mean normally an ASAC would not be out in the field doing that. But if he hadn't been, or if he lost the tail or whatever and Pinkman had gone ahead and burned down your house… The fact that he caught Pinkman doing that and stopped him doing it was the reason that he was able to convince Pinkman to work with him to take down Walt. And Hank thought that he could do that with the assistance of only Steve, he thought he didn't need the help of the rest of the DEA. So him having found Pinkman and convinced Pinkman to work with him meant that he could bring in only Steve and not the rest of the DEA, and then they got killed. But if he had lost Pinkman and Pinkman had burned down your house... the DEA probably would've caught him, and then he would've been in custody. And there would've been proof of a connection between him and Walt. Surely I could have convinced Hank to tell them at that point." Marie shook her head. "What about you? Could I have convinced you to tell them at that point? If your house had been burnt down and your kids were endangered again by Walt? Would you have turned him in then?"

Skyler shrugged. "I'm not sure what you're trying to do here, Marie."

"I'm trying to remove you from Hank's death!" Marie' eyes snapped shut. "I'm trying to convince myself of that. It worked before."

"That's not helpful, honey, it's... you're just... you're telling yourself lies."

"No I'm not, I know it didn't happen - I'm just trying to figure out what would've happened, what _could_ have happened. Narrative therapy is a technique, I've done it with Dave a couple times - it does work. Ok, so if Pinkman actually did burn down your house, then you probably still would've ended up at the hotel with Walt and the mini bar, and you may well still have told him to kill him, but Hank would've known that it was Pinkman that did it - at least he would've figured it out, and then he would've had a real reason to arrest him. I would've convinced him to tell the DEA because you were in danger. I would've said, 'Quit playing around, our family is under threat!' So he would've told them. And they would've investigated Walt together, with Pinkman in custody and with backup, and maybe Walt would've just run away before they got him, but they wouldn't have gone to To'hajiilee."

"And what if Walt, acting on what I told him, had got Pinkman killed in jail? That was what that gang specialised in, wasn't it?"

Marie's face fell. "Well... well then you would've killed Pinkman, not Hank. But I hope, no I know, because Hank wanted to do this at the start and I know he told you that, he and I would've swept in and taken you and the kids to our house. Whether Walt was there or not when we found you, I don't know. Maybe Hank would've stared him down, or... Or maybe Walt, no this makes sense because he did it before, he would want you and the kids to be safe. So we'd say, well they can come to our house."

"You're trying to explain it away, Marie." Skyler shook her head and put her hand over her eyes.

"Yes I am. Yes I am trying to explain it away. That is what I have to do so that I can move on with my life. I need you to engage with me on that. If Pinkman had not been stopped from burning your house down by Hank, Hank wouldn't have had Pinkman as a witness to work alone with him and Steve and then they wouldn't have been killed."

"So you're trying to make the operative variable the fact that Hank stopped Pinkman from burning down our house, rather than the fact that I told Walt to kill Pinkman."

"Yes."

"That means it was just random. Just shit happens kind of thing."

"Yes, that's what Tim said. That's what he said, it doesn't help to blame people, it only makes _me_ more upset and angry. What helps is to realise that sometimes horrible things just happen, and to just let it go."

"No no no no no. That's a Walt argument. No."

"What do you mean?"

"That's how he justified everything he did! Oh, shit happens, too bad. I had to do that to protect this family. No. Bullshit! I bought into it too when I said, 'What's one more?'"

"Do you think that's what he thought about Hank's death?"

"We'll never know, Marie."

"Well he killed the people who did it."

"Yep. More death and destruction wherever he went."

"That's not what Tim was saying, he was saying that no-one meant for Hank to die. Not you, not Walt, not Pinkman. Probably not even those gang members, because when they showed up, they were not expecting the DEA to be there. And they were obviously shoot first ask questions later type of people, so... they had a gun battle." Marie's knee started to jiggle and her back curled over.

Skyler's body was buzzing with adrenaline. She began pushing the handle end of her fork underneath her thumbnail. "They shot him in the head, Marie."

"I know."

"I will never forgive myself."

Marie looked up at Skyler, tears in her eyes. "It does not help me if you push me away."

Skyler looked down and let out a long breath, not meeting Marie's eyes. "Just tell me what to do. Anything, for the rest of our lives. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"Well that won't work, you gotta argue with me too. It'd be weird if you didn't argue with me."

Skyler looked at the table, sitting like a deflated balloon, her fork still digging under her thumbnail.

Marie drained her cup of tea, leaned back and looked at her. "You should have the rest of the cheesecake. You're fading away."

"I know I am."

"So eat."

Skyler pulled the fork out from under her thumbnail, righted it and began eating, not having the heart to tell Marie that that was not the kind of fading away she meant.

The waitress came over. "Ladies! We're closing up."

"Oh, ok," Marie. "We'll get out of your hair."

"It's ok," said the waitress. "Just sit for a minute and finish what you have. Or I can get you a doggy bag if you prefer."

Skyler looked up. "That would be good, thank you."

"Alrighty." The waitress took the cheesecake away.

Skyler took another sip of her hot chocolate and looked at her watch. Panic suddenly swept across her face. "Oh my god! Holly! She's still at day care!"

"No, she's -"

"I was supposed to pick her up by 4, it's 5:30 now!"

"Flynn -"

"Oh my god, why didn't they call me? Where's my phone? Oh my god, I bet I left it off."

"Flynn got her. It's fine."

Skyler continued rummaging for her phone.

"Skyler! It's fine. He texted me just when we were arriving in the cafe here to say he was going to get her."

Skyler looked up, breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry, I should have told you, but that was right before we started arguing about money."

"Has he… Has he got her now?" Skyler pressed the 'on' button on her phone. "Did he send you another text to say he'd got her?"

Marie looked at her phone. "No, but it's fine. If there was a problem, he would've phoned me."

"I can't believe I forgot, I just forgot her! I'm a terrible mother, I do this all the time now - I forget her bedtime, I forget to check she's brushed her teeth or eaten enough or -"

"Skyler, you are not a bad mother. You just have a lot on your mind."

"That's no excuse! She should be at the top, she should be my priority!"

"She is. You can't control what's happening in your mind, you said so yourself."

"Oh my god oh my god." Skyler put her face in her hands.

"Skyler, if the day care couldn't get hold of you, they would've called me. My phone has been on the whole time. If my phone wasn't on, they'd call Flynn. There are three adults looking after Holly. We are tag teaming it. It's ok."

The waitress returned with the remaining cheesecake in a paper bag. "Thank you," said Marie. She stood up. "Come on." She gently placed a hand on Skyler's shoulder. "You still have some of your drink left, drink up."

Skyler took her hands away from her eyes and drank gingerly. The waitress stared.

"Come on."

Skyler stood shakily and began to move away, almost forgetting her handbag. Marie picked it up. "Here you go." She put an arm around her shoulders and the two of them walked out of the cafe. The waitress stared.


	31. Chapter 31

"Heyyyyy, honey!" said Nathan, stepping into the arrivals hall and giving Kim a big warm hug.

"Ohhh," said Kim, sinking into it. "You are so good at hugs."

"What about kisses? Am I good at kisses?" He pulled back and gave her one.

"Yeah, you're not bad at those either." She smiled. "Thanks for coming."

"Sure. I wanna see your old stomping ground." He slipped his arm around her and they began to walk out.

"Well, it's not that exciting, but ok."

"Are you kidding? The airport is called a sunport! What does that even mean?"

"I think it's a reference to the fact that Albuquerque has 310 sunny days per year."

"Oh my god. You're kidding me."

"No, no kidding. I used to wear a lot of sunscreen when I lived here. You have to get that special makeup with the sunscreen in it - well I do anyway, otherwise my skin looks weird."

"It does not. Is that what you're wearing now?"

"No, I am wearing Illinois make-up now. I am not sun protected." She laughed.

"Oh my god, we'll have to get a giant sun protection visor to hold over our heads! We'll make it out of tin foil. No, not tin foil, the stuff they make space blankets out of. Do you think that would work?"

Kim laughed. "Thanks for coming, Nathan. I knew you'd cheer me up."

"Did you need cheering up?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "I had my work cut out for me from the beginning, but this last week has been particularly... challenging. Do you have checked luggage?"

"No, just this bag. So it's over now?"

"Well, the bit where I have to work my ass off is over. Now we just wait for the jury to do their bit. Actually I hope they take a while, I think that's the only way they'll be able to consider everything properly."

They walked through the glass sliding doors and across to the parking garage. "You got a hire car?" said Nathan.

"Yeah. So anyway, thanks for coming, and thanks for not saying I told you so."

"Well. You knew it'd be a challenge, but you like challenges, so that's ok."

"That is a thing that I do, isn't it?"

"And you do it well."

"Well if the verdict does come back the way we want it to come back, I will feel an enormous sense of achievement. But in the meantime I just keep thinking about what I should or shouldn't have said, and worrying."

"Well I can guarantee that you did a very good job, because you always do a very good job. And now it's over and you just have to wait, so... Let's have some fun." He smiled.

Kim smiled back. "Yes please."

...

Marie guided Skyler past the media huddle outside the courthouse, and drove her home. Neither said anything on the drive, and when they pulled up in the parking lot of Skyler's apartment complex, neither of them moved from their seats.

"Do you really owe $14,000 on your credit card?" asked Marie.

"Yeah."

"Since when?"

"I don't know. It built up over time. Don't tell Flynn."

"Of course I'm gonna tell Flynn."

"Do not, don't you dare!"

"Well that won't go away, and with the interest it'll just keep going up and up and up! You'll never be able to pay it!"

"I didn't have a choice."

"I know."

"It was that or my children starve - you were paying my rent half the time, so I wasn't gonna ask you -"

"I know, I know, I'm not telling you off for it having happened, I'm saying we need to get Flynn to pay it off now."

"And I'm saying no. And it's my decision, not yours, so we will stop this topic of conversation now."

"You just said half an hour ago that you would do whatever I told you for the rest of our lives."

"Not on things like that. Not on things for me." Skyler paused. "You said you wanted me to argue."

Marie smiled and opened the car door. "Yes. Alright. You argue all you want, I'm still telling Flynn."

"No no no no no no, please don't!" Skyler jumped out of the car and ran after her.

"He won't mind. He wants to help."

"Not like that. That money is not for me."

"There's plenty to go around. And paying down a credit card debt is a very sensible thing to use it for."

"It's my debt, not his!"

"And you incurred it buying groceries for him, correct? Teenage boys eat a lot - since he's been staying with me, I've been running out of bread and cheese like every other day. And cereal, and -"

"That's not how parenthood works - you don't ask them to pay it back later!"

"Yeah I know, but when he has 8 million dollars and you have minus $14,000, I think it's reasonable. Plus I'm not asking him to pay it - I won't need to, I'll just mention it in conversation and he'll jump right on it. He wants to help."

The door of number 60 opened and Holly came running down the path, making a beeline for Skyler.

"How did that - she can't open that door, can she?" said Marie.

"No, she can't," said Flynn, appearing on the doorstep.

"Oh, thank god. That would be really dangerous."

"She can open your door now."

"Yeah, but my front yard is mine, here you've got... anybody could be here! Like right on the path!"

"I know, th-that's why we keep the door locked and w-we're leaving soon anyway." Flynn stood aside to let Marie in.

Skyler followed carrying Holly. "Hi honey," she said, giving him a kiss. "Thank you for getting her."

"Of course."

"Aren't you gonna say hello to me, Holly?" said Marie. "Can I have a hug too?"

Holly gripped Skyler's neck tighter and looked unsure. Then she held out one arm to Marie and said, "You can hug me and Mommy at the same time."

"Alright," said Marie, smiling in the awkward manner of one who knows they're second best. She hugged both of them, like Holly asked.

"Do you wanna stay for dinner, Aunt Marie?" asked Flynn.

"Sure."

"We – we…don't have much food in the cupboards," said Skyler.

"We do now. I went to the grocery store th-this afternoon," said Flynn.

"Oh, thank you."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go upstairs for a little while."

"Can I come?" said Holly.

"Yeah, you can, darling." Skyler adjusted her hold on the child and walked slowly up the stairs.

"Anything happen I should know about?" said Flynn to Marie.

"No. Just what we were expecting."

"The trial's… over?"

"Yeah. And we have no idea how long the jury are going to take."

"R-right."

"We'll have to talk to Holly again."

"What do you mean?"

"Just to say it's actually happening now. I mean soon. Like within a week."

"What if th-the jury says not guilty?"

"I doubt it."

Flynn's face fell. "R-really?"

"Well yeah, because she... did it, so…"

"But it wasn't her fault."

"Yeah, they'll take that into account in the sentencing. I think that's the main thing the jury will be debating on, whether to convict her of a felony or a misdemeanor. It's a pretty big difference." Marie put her handbag down on the sofa and moved through to the kitchen. Flynn remained standing near the door, a look of devastation on his face.

"We have to talk to Holly, though. And she won't react well, but she's not reacting well now, she's just... fixating on her all the time. Physically attaching herself to her mother any chance she gets, and… That can't be healthy."

"You're not gonna s-stop her?"

"No, no. I'm just saying. It's just another thing we need to manage. We have an appointment with Dr Jensen on Wednesday, which was meant to be an aftermath appointment, you know, because we didn't expect the trial to go on this long so we thought that she would already be gone by now, and... I just think that Holly, because we told her like four or five weeks ago that it was gonna happen and then it didn't, that maybe she's thinking it won't. Or thinking that she can maybe even prevent it by just physically hanging onto her mom as much as possible and going upstairs with her and everything else..."

"I-I'd like to do that."

"What do you mean? You'd like to talk to Holly?"

"No. I'd like to follow…Mom."

...

Skyler was lying on her bed on her back, looking up at the ceiling and counting her breaths. In and out. In and out. Holly lay beside her with her head on her chest and her tiny arm across her ribcage. She had been Dr Holly, asking Skyler if she was alright and laying her down and telling her to rest. Which was all Skyler wanted to do. She didn't want to move at all.

"Holly," she said softly.

"Yeah."

"You know that Mommy's gonna have to go away soon." Skyler stroked her child's hair and kept breathing.

In and out. In and out. "Holly? You know that, right?"

Holly's tiny hand began to grip Skyler's shirt. "I don't want you to."

"I know. I don't want to either. The last thing I wanna do is leave you. I'm so sorry."

Holly gripped tighter, and buried her face in Skyler's shoulder. Skyler rolled towards her and raised her other arm to cradle her.

"I'm so sorry, darling. I don't know when it'll be but I know it'll be soon. Probably this week sometime. If we're lucky, next week."

"Why?" It was a wine, a wail. Soft but earth-shattering.

"I will be asking myself that for the rest of my life. It's my fault, darling. Not yours. I'm so sorry."

They cried together.

...

Marie sat at the table with the dinner going cold for some minutes. She didn't look at her watch, but she thought it had been at least fifteen minutes since Flynn went up to fetch Skyler and Holly. She sensed it wouldn't be good for her to join them. That even though she had actively stepped up to act as the second parent, to shoulder a full weight-bearing load with Skyler's children, at the end of the day she was still just the aunt. A helpful person everyone seemed to like most of the time, but not a core piece in the puzzle. She had only realised this in the last three days, and the thought did depress her. She loved those kids as if they were her own. She remembered talking only half-jokingly with Hank about wanting to keep Holly. She was serious about not wanting to separate the child from her mother, but sometimes she just wished all of them could live together like a little nuclear family. She knew why that wouldn't work. She knew it was because of the adults rather than the kids. And this wasn't at all a reasonable or a logical thing to feel jealous about, but it hurt when she saw the kids pick Skyler over her.

A door opened upstairs, and there was movement. Marie stood up and put Flynn's plate in the microwave. Even the movement was slow. Flynn was always slow on the stairs, but this time Holly seem to be protesting quietly about something. The microwave beeped, and Marie took Flynn's plate out and put Skyler's plate in. Flynn finally appeared at the bottom of the stairs as Marie was putting his plate on the table. "Thanks, Aunt Marie," he said politely and sat down.

"You're welcome." She ruffled his hair.

Skyler appeared, carrying Holly, who was holding a tatty teddy bear and looking very subdued. The microwave beeped again. Marie took Skyler's plate out and put her own in. "Holly, just have a check of your food and see if it's warm enough for you," she said. "I haven't put yours in the microwave because I don't want to make it too hot, but I can for a little bit if you want me to."

"Thanks, Marie," said Skyler, leaning down to put Holly in her seat. Holly leaned in the opposite direction and dropped her teddy bear in favour of gripping Skyler's neck. "You don't wanna have dinner?" said Skyler.

"Can I sit with you?" said Holly.

"Well, your seat is right next to mine. And it's not a very big table."

Holly shook her head and continued hanging on tightly, looking at her mother with wide eyes. Skyler kept hold of her and sat down in her own seat. Holly buried her face in her neck.

"We've got Dr Jensen on Wednesday," said Marie, sitting down with her plate.

"Good," said Skyler absently.

"Holly, don't you wanna be a big girl and s-sit in your own seat?" said Flynn.

Holly shook her head.

"Yes you do," said Marie. "You're a big three-year-old now!"

"No."

"Hey Holly," said Skyler. "Look at me. Come on."

Holly pulled her head back slightly so she could see her mother's face. Skyler stroked her cheek and said, "When you're with someone all the time, it's really really hard to say goodbye to them. Because you're just used to the being with them all the time, and then all of a sudden one time they're not there, and that's really hard. But if you're only with them sometimes, it's easier. If you say goodbye a lot of times. Goodbye and then come back. Goodbye and then come back. It's still hard when they don't come back, but not as hard as it would've been if you'd never said goodbye before. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Holly shook her head.

"You've been to stay with Aunt Marie a lot recently. And you have done so many fun things. You went to the zoo. You went to the fairy store. You played games and watched movies together. I wasn't there, but you were having a great time. I know because you told me all about it. And you made the wonderful costumes and decorations for your birthday party. I didn't do that, that was all you and Aunt Marie. And you've had lots of nice times with Flynn as well. Haven't you?"

Holly nodded.

"See. You've had lots of good times when I wasn't there. Just remember that. And you love Aunt Marie and Flynn and you trust them. They've made you a nice dinner now. I think it'll be delicious."

"I love you as well."

"I know, I love you too, but it doesn't have to be just me that you feel safe and happy around. It's not. It hasn't been before and it won't be in the future. Big girls have lots of people that they love. Not just their mommies."

"Th-that doesn't mean that you won't miss Mommy," said Flynn. "I-it's ok to feel like that. But you shouldn't worry because…you'll have us, me and Aunt Marie…to look after you, and w-we can have some good times together."

"If you sit there in your chair and have your dinner, I will lean over every few minutes and stroke your hair. Because I will always love you, darling, and I will never be far away. And I'll think about you all the time, I always will. I'll never be far away. But you need to go and sit there by yourself like the big girl that you are, and eat your dinner. Can you do that?"

Holly leaned in and wrapped her arms around Skyler's neck again. Skyler held her tightly and kissed her head. "I love you so much, darling."

Holly pulled away, dropped down to the floor and climbed up into her own chair. She picked up her fork and poked it into a potato.

"Tell me if it's not warm enough, ok?" said Marie.

Skyler leaned across and stroked her hair. "I'm so proud of you."

Holly smiled.

Skyler smiled back, an open and genuine smile. Flynn saw her and smiled in relief.

All four of them ate quietly for a few minutes. Skyler leaned across and stroked Holly's hair again.

"Skyler," said Marie, "I've got an appointment with Dave tomorrow. I want you to go in my place."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I've talked to him about it, he said it's ok, so that's what we're gonna do."

"I thought you said th-therapy didn't work if you only did it once," said Flynn.

"Not therapy, no," said Marie. "Therapy takes time. What your mother needs right now very urgently is to learn coping strategies. I explained that to Dave and he thinks he can at least give you some tips and perhaps a bit of insight, or at least the means to self-analyse your own mind just enough so that you can tell when things are going badly and enact your coping strategies. That is, new coping strategies that he will give you, not your current coping strategies which are -"

"Marie." Skyler's eyes flicked between Flynn and Holly.

"- not optimal."

"Can we -"

"Oh, that's a good idea," said Flynn.

"Can we talk about this later?"

"I don't see why the kids shouldn't hear that it is sensible to go to a therapist when you need help with your mental health. I tried to get you in last week but failed because none of them do short notice. I am also working on finding one who will actually go and visit you in prison because that's what you really need, I mean that's the only way you can get long term care, but so far I haven't been able to find one that'll go out there - that's ok, though, I'll keep looking. Meantime, this appointment with Dave will be a good stop-gap."

Skyler nodded. "Ok."

Marie raised her eyebrows. "You agree?"

"I do. Thank you."

"G-good," said Flynn.


	32. Chapter 32

"Skyler!" said Dave, holding out his hand. "It's nice to finally meet you."

"You too."

"Take a seat."

Skyler perched gingerly on the edge of the sofa.

"I'll start by saying that normally I don't treat friends or family members of my other clients. It can affect my ability to treat someone effectively when I'm not getting all of my information from they themselves. Anything that someone else has told me, which might be true or it might not be, but either way it's got their spin on it, and therapy has no room for spin, so normally I don't treat friends or family members of other clients, but Marie explained to me that you have limited time and very high need. She told me what happened on Thursday. We're gonna talk about that, but first I have to explain to you that since we have limited time, which means I don't have time to get to know you, I _am_ going to use what other people have told me. Just so we can cut to the chase a little, so I don't have to ask you all the reasons for your distress. I don't pretend to know all of them, but I do know some from Marie and some from the media, so due to our limited time I'd like to use my own prior assumptions a bit, and I need you speak up if I'm making any wrong assumptions. Is that ok with you?"

Skyler nodded. "Yeah."

"Just make sure you pull me up if I interpret anything incorrectly. That's really important, ok? Just raise your hand and pull me up."

"Ok."

"Good. Now I gather, and this is mostly reading between the lines from what Marie has told me, that you're the sensible sister?"

Skyler laughed. "I used to be."

"Do you feel you've lost some of your identity through all this?"

"Yeah."

"It's ok to feel like that. It's hard. But it's understandable. The first and most important thing I wanna tell you is that you are absolutely normal. You have been through hell, and you're still going through hell, and you're a normal human being, and most mental health issues have their origin in the brain's normal reaction to extreme circumstances. So I'm going to start making assumptions here, and I want you to raise your hand when I say anything that you are not or have not suffered from, alright?"

Dave paused. Skyler nodded.

"In someone who has been through what I understand you have been through, I would be expecting to see anxiety, depression, trauma-related fear, panic attacks, difficulty sleeping, poor eating habits, self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or comfort food, falling self-esteem, difficulty dealing with everyday stressors - perhaps everyday stressors may cause anxiety, whereas more extreme stressors could send you into a panic attack or perhaps something self-destructive like self-harm or even suicidality. You haven't raised your hand once. Can I take that to mean that you have experienced all of those things?"

"Yeah."

Dave sighed. "That is all perfectly normal. You are not crazy. Your mind is not spiralling away from you. You are suffering normal reactions to extraordinary awful circumstances. Normally mental health professionals don't diagnose people with mental health disorders around the time of tragic or otherwise traumatic circumstances, because it's quite normal to experience symptoms like that when your life is going through hell. It's not recent for you anymore, though; it's been eighteen months now since Hank died and a year since your husband died, but for you the extraordinary circumstances have continued, haven't they? Do you think that you've gotten a break at all?"

"No. And I… for me it was going on for a long time before Hank died as well."

"You've been experiencing these symptoms since before Hank died?"

"No. Not the symptoms, I just mean in general my life being a train wreck and being afraid and being unable to control anything that happens to me. Or to my family."

Dave nodded, and made a note in his notebook. "So can you describe for me, starting all the way back then and then moving forward to today, how you've been feeling?"

"That changed a bit over time. First it was shock and anger, then worry. And heartbreak because my husband did this really stupid thing that came between us and wrecked everything, and… put us all in danger including him, I was worried for him. And the more I found out, the more afraid I got, first of the people he was working with and then of him. He changed right before my eyes. He used to be someone I trusted and loved with everything I had, and he would never hurt me, and then... then he did. So betrayal, fear, hurt. And I was trapped. Then Hank died, and that was like a slow-motion train crash, where every single piece of wreckage flew directly at me and hit me from all directions, and the only way I could get through it was to go into shock and autopilot. I lost my house, I was arrested, I was socially vilified. Still am, people say things and throw things - I just have to avoid going out now." Skyler took a breath, looked down and adjusted a loose thread on her sweater.

Dave nodded and wrote something down. "Go on."

"Umm. I had to find a crappy small rental place and work as many hours as I could in a very low paid job just to be able to feed my kids. Walt died about four months into that and that was just… That was when I really lost control mentally. That was when it all fell down, but I just had to keep going; I just had to go to work, come home, try and do my best for the kids and often fail because I couldn't spend time with them because I was working, and the DEA would call me in at the drop of a hat and tell me horrifying things Walt had done and I had allowed. And I tried to do whatever I could for Marie, which is pretty hard considering I'm the reason she's a widow. And after Walt died they found Hank's body and found out who killed him, and then I realised that person was there because of me. So it was even more my fault then it would've been if Walt had done it. And we had the funeral and I had to go because Marie wanted me to and I had to support her as much as I could, and I wanted to do that and it's right that I did that, but I still see it every time I close my eyes. Images of her and everyone else who was there, his mother and Steve's family and… they never leave me. And then I went back to my trudging life for another year, just biding my time until I went on trial. Which has been an even worse kind of hell, firstly because I have to spend all day every day hearing all about all of the things I did and caused, all of the reasons I'm a horrible person. Secondly because a lot of those things really frightened me. The memories frighten me so much I lose control of my body, I'm flinching and shaking and fidgeting and adrenaline pumping – my heart feels like it's gonna break right through my chest sometimes. And thirdly because the future terrifies me, because I'm gonna have to go to prison and be away from my little girl and she's not gonna be… and I'm gonna be… I don't know what I'll have to see or go through, I know it's frightening, but more frightening than that is…. what's happening in my mind. At the moment I can push it away when I have to do things. Especially when I have to do things for my family. That helps me retain control of myself. But I'm gonna lose all of that and I'm gonna be in there by myself. And I don't wanna be alone. I know my thoughts will torture me if I'm alone." Skyler's composure finally broke, and her soliloquy ended with a whimper.

"You have done so well. Most people couldn't even imagine it - I can't imagine it. You are such a strong person."

"I don't feel it."

"Oh, you're doing so well. It wouldn't be possible to get to where you are without incredible strength. Do you consider yourself to be someone with strong self-esteem or self-confidence?"

"I used to be."

"That is your biggest asset. I don't think it's gone away, I think it's just bowed down under an enormous weight at the moment. But you can get it back. I know you haven't had a break yet, but you're still standing after - how long?"

"Nearly three years."

"Wow. You are doing so well, you are strong and you are confident, but of course under so much weight that is gonna waver a lot. Give it time. Things will get better. And you will recover yourself."

"I doubt it."

"You can. It'll take a bit of work, but you can. I wish we had more time here but we don't, so what I wanna do is to give you the tools to be able to pull yourself back from situations like anxiety, depression, panic, and self-harm. And I'm really glad to see that you've brought a notebook with you there, because self-analysis and self-recording is really helpful. You need to identify what sorts of things lead to you feeling like that, what sorts of feelings or thoughts come first, and what sorts of things make you feel better. If you can identify when you start to go down that path and immediately start doing the things that make you feel better, then you might be able to hold it off, or at least lessen its impact on you. You've probably already worked out a few things like that. I can teach you some more. And the other thing I wanna talk to you about is triggers. How to identify them, how to figure out when you are behaving a certain way because of them, how to avoid them, how to recover from them. Triggers are another perfectly normal thing that happens to victims of trauma, and the stage you are at at the moment you may not be able to avoid them, but if you can identify them for what they are, you can learn to recognise that your reaction is not in proportion to what is happening, but that it's just a trigger for your past trauma. That won't stop it, but it might help you to calm down and start to recognise which of your thought processes are functioning correctly, and which are damaged.

"I also wanna talk about your self-guilt. That is also incredibly normal. If you had been the driver in an automobile accident where someone died, or if you had a friend who had committed suicide, if you'd been caught in a wildfire where people died - feelings of self-guilt are very common when tragedies happen. Our brain thinks up all of the ways that we think we could have maybe stopped the tragedy from happening, our brain convinces us that if we had done those things it wouldn't have happened, our brain adds 2 and 2, makes 5 and convinces us that it's all our fault even though we never meant for anyone to die, and we didn't even do anything dangerous towards them. We may have made other poor decisions, but do you think if Hank had not been killed that you would've felt as bad as you do about the decisions you made?"

"No. No, that, that… makes everything worse."

"It makes you feel worse about what you did."

"Yes."

"You didn't kill him, though."

"No, but I did things that contributed to his death. Some of them directly."

"Did you notice how I lumped murdered DEA agents in with car accident victims and wildfire victims and suicide victims just now?"

"Yeah."

"I did that for two reasons. One is because any tragic circumstance - and of course tragedies are among those extraordinary circumstances that cause humans to suffer mental health issues like we've been discussing; for any tragic circumstance, self-guilt is normal. It is also normally misplaced. If someone is driving a car and a moose runs out in front of them and they swerve, and the way that they swerve protects them but not the person in the passenger seat and the person in the passenger seat is killed, is that person's death their fault?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"They did pull the wheel a certain way, but they couldn't have known what it would do exactly, like where the car would go and where the moose would go… and anyway they would've just been reacting, they wouldn't have had time to think."

"Correct. Exactly. But do you think the driver who survived might blame themselves for their friend's death?"

"Yes."

"Would they be right in doing so?"

"No. I know you're saying this to try and convince me that it wasn't my fault, but my circumstance could not be more different. And I wouldn't be on trial for it if I hadn't done things deliberately which _are_ my fault."

"You're not on trial for Hank's death." Dave paused, watching her. She looked down. He continued. "I know, I understand why you feel that, it's a normal reaction to what happened. I'm comparing it with all these other different kinds of tragedies because feelings of self-guilt by survivors in those situations are well documented and perfectly normal, and _not_ arising from direct fault. The second reason I have made that comparison is so that you can see how easy it is for people who have suffered such tragedies to blame themselves unjustly. When you're in the situation it can be hard to see it, but looking from the outside it's perfectly clear where the blame lies and where it doesn't lie. We wanna argue back because we're like, 'I'm in the situation, not you, I understand it better!' And we don't realise that a lot of the time actually people looking in from the outside can see what really happened a lot better. When we're in the middle of a situation we're too close up to it and we can't see it clearly.

"Write that down in your notebook there. The federal government has put you on trial and they have chosen _not_ to prosecute you for what happened to Hank. And you know if they thought you were involved, they _would _go after you for it. And your sister. She is not a woman who forgives easily. Not only is she not hating on you and blaming you for her husband's death, she's looking out for you. She got you this appointment. She thinks you're worth caring for and she thinks it wasn't your fault. She was even quoted in the newspaper as having said so in court. And if Marie was a person who was easily lead, or if she commonly did things based on duty or obligation, that would mean less, but she's not, is she?"

Dave met Skyler's eyes and paused for a moment. "Would Marie do something that she didn't wanna do? Would she say things she didn't believe in?"

Skyler shook her head.

"She does value her family, but would she let them influence her feelings or tell her what to do?"

"No."

"No. She wouldn't be doing any of that if she didn't want to do it and if she didn't believe in it."

"Yeah but, what if she just believes it's the right thing, like she feels sorry for me or scared, or through some family obligation that -"

"Is Marie the sort of person who does things out of obligation?" Dave looked at his notes, and then up again. "Does she feel sorry for people often, is she an empathetic person?"

"No, but… she keeps saying that she's trying to understand me."

"Is that something that Marie would normally do? Is she an understanding person?"

"No."

"Then why do think she's doing it?"

Tears came to Skyler's eyes.

"Given how close she was to Hank, would she try to understand or show any empathy to anyone involved in his death?"

"No," Skyler sobbed, "but she's…. she's telling herself the wrong thing, she-she doesn't want it to be me that did that, so…"

"You didn't do that, Skyler."

"Did she tell you what I told her? On Thursday?"

"Yes." Dave nodded. "You didn't kill him. It is not your fault. It is very common when tragedies happen for people to blame themselves. You may not have connected your self-guilt with the other mental health symptoms you're experiencing, but let me tell you, everything is connected. What happened to you did a lot of damage, including to your own thought processes, and it can convince you that something is true when it isn't. And that's hard to fight against, but if you can look at how other people are reacting to the same thing and how their thought processes differ to yours - they're not stupid, are they? Your family? Or the DEA, who _would_ have charged you with it if you were involved. Are they stupid?"

"No," Skyler gasped. "That's just me."

"You're not stupid, Skyler."

"Am I crazy?"

"No."

"Is that your professional opinion?"

"Yes. I can give you my professional opinion on that - no, you are not crazy, but your brain has been damaged by the traumatic experiences it has gone through. It's not permanent, but at the moment, your brain is pretty banged up. And so is your heart, I'd wager."

Skyler grunted. "Yeah." She grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes and nose.

"So your heart is in a lot of pain, and your brain's function is impaired, which means it can absolutely convince you that something is true when it isn't. It's my fault Hank died, my sister is lying to herself, I'm a bad influence on my kids, I deserve everything I get, my family's better off without me." Dave looked at Skyler piercingly. "Have you had those thoughts?"

Skyler nodded.

"All of them?"

"Yeah."

"They're all bullshit. But how do you think that I, when I've only just met you, can guess that you've had all of those thoughts? Because I've been studying psychology and psychiatry for 20 years - still now I'm studying it, and I know that when people's brains are damaged by trauma, it affects the way they think, and that can cause a number of things to happen but one of them is making you absolutely convinced that things were your fault when they weren't. It can be really hard to tell when your brain is doing that, but one thing that can help is if you look at the thought processes of people close to you and see how they differ from yours, and ask yourself why they differ. It's not because they're stupid."

"It's because I'm broken."

"No. No, you're a little banged up, but you're not broken. This is not permanent. You just have to hang in there and things will get better." Dave paused. "Easier said than done, right?"

"Yeah."

"Are you suicidal?"

"Not right now."

"But you have been?"

"Yeah."

"What stopped you?"

"My kids."

"That's good." Dave nodded. "That's a wonderful reason to stick around. You grab hold of your kids and you hang on. Alright, we're gonna make a plan of what you can do the next time you have those thoughts. The first dot point on the plan is that you have to ask for help. You hang on to your own reasons for staying alive, your kids, as strong as you can and you use that to push yourself over the line to asking for help. I'm not saying it's easy. In fact, it's definitely not easy. But you are a strong woman and you can get through this."


	33. Chapter 33

Marie sat on a bench in the park opposite Dave's office reading _Cosmopolitan_. She had been back to work for the first time since the trial began, because she had run out of annual leave and carer's leave and unpaid leave and the Federal-mandated witness duties leave. She had switched to a part-time contract which had been meant to start the previous week, if the trial had been shorter, so today she had only worked five hours. She wasn't sure how that was going to go, but she couldn't keep working full-time and look after Holly.

She had previously arranged this appointment with Dave to be for herself outside of those work hours, so it worked well. She was quite happy to sit on this bench and watch her niece go down a slide five hundred times, climb absolutely all over a small climbing net and jump up and down trying and failing to reach the monkey bars.

"Aunt Marie!" Holly called. "Can you help me?"

Putting her magazine down, Marie stood up. She bent her knees, grunted and lifted the child up so that she could hang onto the bars. Holly hung there for a moment, then tried to reach out one of her arms to the next bar, lost her grip with the other arm and fell off. Marie grabbed her, not catching her exactly but arresting the speed of her fall. Holly, completely unperturbed, raised her arms ready to be lifted again. This time Marie lifted her and kept holding her as her tiny arms moved from one bar to the next all the way along.

"And back!" said Holly excitedly.

"And back!" Marie made a dramatic gasp. "Ok. We'll turn around and back we go."

At the other end of the monkey bars were the steps up to the side, so after that Holly was quite happy to run off on her own to do that again.

Marie returned to her bench to find an older woman had now sat down to watch two boys, who were presumably her grandsons, swinging raucously on the swings. The oldest one launched off his swing and landed on the ground, then ran over to the monkey bars and swung expertly across them and back.

"They grow up so fast!" said the woman. "I remember watching my son-in-law do what you just did for your little girl. I think it was only a year ago, or maybe...maybe two, I'm not sure - not very long, anyway. But now Jimmy can do it all on his own!"

"Yeah. I can't believe Holly is three already."

"Three! Is she? Oh that's the cutest age."

"Yeah."

"Do you have any others?"

"Oh, well, Holly's my niece actually, and yes, she has an older brother so I do have, I guess, experience watching them grow, I mean I've been watching him his whole life just growing and changing and... It's amazing. Growing a whole new person is pretty amazing."

"It really is. How old is he?"

"Just turned eighteen. Fully grown and he knows it and he's milking and for all it's worth."

The woman laughed. "Oh yes, my daughter was just the same – 'Don't tell me what to do, Mom, I'm a grown-up now!'"

"That is exactly what he says."

The woman laughed again, and Marie joined her.

"Mommy!" yelled Holly, shooting off the end of the slide in one clear movement and running towards Skyler, who was making her way across the grass from the road. Marie and the woman turned to look, and Marie stood up as Skyler swept Holly into her arms.

Marie stepped towards her. "How did it go?"

"Good. I think."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, helpful. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Mommy, watch me go down the slide! I can do it really well now!"

"Alright." Skyler carried Holly to the steps leading up to the slide and put her down. Holly charged up the steps.

Marie stepped behind her. "She can do it really well because she's just done it about five hundred times," she whispered.

"Can you see me, Mommy?" Holly appeared at the top of the slide.

Marie moved back to the bench to grab her magazines and handbag. "That's the complete opposite of what we were just talking about, isn't it?" she said to the woman still sitting on the bench. "Now she wants her mother to watch and be part of _everything_. But when she's a teenager it'll be a different story, right?"

"Mmm," said the woman curtly.

The younger of the woman's grandsons made his way over to the slide, which Holly had triumphantly slid down and was now talking animatedly to Skyler at the bottom. The boy slid down after her and began to take part in the conversation. "Robert! Time to go home!" barked his grandmother.

The boy took no notice, running back up the steps of the slide with Holly.

"Robert!"

The two children appeared at the top of the slide. "We can go together," said Robert.

"Be careful," said Skyler. "You can only go together if you hold onto each other tightly."

"Yeah," said Marie, joining them. "Otherwise if one of you goes and then the other one goes, one of you will crash into the other one and that would be painful and not good." Marie turned and glanced at the older woman, who had stood up and was staring at them with an uneasy expression on her face. Marie looked back at the children.

Holly, listening intently, nodded. Robert sat behind her and put his legs either side of her, and put his arms around her middle. Holly wrapped her arms around his and looked at her mother. "We're holding on, Mommy," she said earnestly.

"Ok," said Skyler. The two children moved their bottoms, but didn't go anywhere because they were not sitting on the slippery part of the slide. They kept trying to move forward, which was quite difficult when they were still earnestly holding onto each other, so Skyler stepped forward to give them a push.

"Don't you touch him!" screamed Robert's grandmother, charging towards them.

Marie and Skyler turned, Marie's face showing complete surprise, Skyler's fear. The two children, having been pushed onto the slide, slid down it with their faces turned towards the adults, contorted in confusion.

"Get away from him!" yelled the woman, reaching Skyler and grabbing her arm roughly, pulling her away from the slide.

"Hey!" yelled Marie. "What are you doing?"

"Holly!" called Skyler as calmly as she could. "Time to go!" She stepped towards the slide but the woman stepped between her and the children, snarling.

"Hey!" Marie stepped between the woman and Skyler, staring her down.

Skyler kept looking at Holly, whom she now could not reach because the child was still sitting dumbstruck at the bottom of the slide in the arms of the malicious woman's grandson. "Holly, come this way!" she called, her heart in her throat and her breath in her voice. She stepped away from the slide and towards the lawn, looking at Holly and beckoning her to come with her. "Let's run across the grass, come on!"

The older woman's eyes followed her, her scowl deepening.

"Do not look at my sister like that," hissed Marie.

Holly jumped off the end of the slide and ran towards her mother. The little boy followed her.

"Robert!" barked the woman, lunging towards him.

"Hey! He is just trying to have fun with his new little friend, stop being such a -"

"Marie! Come on!" yelled Skyler desperately as she began to run across the lawn with Holly.

The older woman caught Robert and plucked him up, giving him an earful while doing it.

"MARIE!"

Marie gritted her teeth and ran after her sister and niece, yelling, "Bitch!" at the woman as she passed her.

...

"What the hell was that?" said Marie as she arrived, panting, at the car.

Skyler didn't reply, instead miming pushing a car lock button at her until Marie took her keys out of her bag and unlocked the car.

Skyler quickly opened the back door and began installing Holly in her car seat.

"Skyler?"

Skyler finished buckling Holly in, stood up and closed the door. She found Marie standing next to the hood of the car, looking at her quizzically. She made eye contact, then looked in the direction of Holly, and then shook her head.

Mary sat silently into the driver's seat and drove the three of them home. Skyler didn't say a word, so Marie responded to all of Holly's declarations and questions.

"Hey Holly, I got you a new DVD today," said Marie as they pulled up outside her house and she turned off the engine. "It's _Tinkerbell_."

Holly gasped.

"Do you wanna watch it now?"

"Yeah yeah yeah yeah!" Holly began jiggling up and down excitedly, which was a bit disruptive for Skyler, who was trying to undo the clips on her car seat.

"Holly. Just keep still for a second," she said breathily.

Holly stopped moving her legs. "Was the doctor good for you, Mommy?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Are you better now? You can run! Sick people normally can't run. Does that mean the doctor made you better?"

"I wish it was that simple." Skyler unclipped the last of the buckles, and Holly jumped out of the car and darted inside after Marie. Skyler shut the car door, leant on the car and took a deep breath. In and out. In and out. She smoked a cigarette, then clasped her shaking hands together and walked slowly towards the front door. She could hear Holly talking excitedly to Marie about the DVD, over the sound of the Disney "When You Wish Upon A Star" music.

"Are you ready?" said Marie. "It's starting now."

"Is Mommy coming?"

"Mommy and I are going to have a grown-up talk now."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Grown-up talks upset Mommy! She should watch Tinkerbell instead!"

"We have to have grown-up talks. Talking about bad things is what makes them better. Don't worry, Mommy will be fine."

"Promise?"

"Sure. Of course."

"Will she really be fine?"

Skyler, still standing in the entrance way, melted into the wall and buried her face in her elbow.

"Shh shh, it's starting!" She heard Marie's footsteps come out of the living room and walk along the hallway towards her. Marie turned her head when she reached the entrance way and stopped. She gingerly reached out a hand and placed it on Skyler's shoulder. "What the hell was that? What a bitch! Her kid and our kid were having a perfectly lovely time together, and she just-"

"Don't, don't, don't. It's not worth it."

"Can we... take it to the police? It was harassment!"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"That's not ridiculous, I mean she… before you showed up, she was being really friendly. Is there something wrong with her that she can just flip like that? What if she's dangerous?"

Skyler pulled her face away from the wall and stood up straight. "Well, the variable factor there was that I showed up. Don't worry about it, Marie, it happens all the time." She walked through to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water.

"What do you mean all the time?"

"I mean all the time."

"It can't happen all the time, it's-"

"It is all the time now, every single time I go out in public. And I always let my guard down when I'm with Holly, I shouldn't do that!"

"Oh, she made a new friend, they were having a great time, you can't stop them doing that! It's only that crazy lady who stops kids from having-"

"Can we just forget about it, please."

"What do you mean every single time?"

Skyler shrugged.

"No, is that an exaggeration or is that -"

"No."

Marie's mouth fell open, and her arms flailed for a moment. "Where?"

"Anywhere. It's not always that bad. But there are always looks and comments and sometimes things like that happen."

"What impact does that have on Holly?"

"Not much, usually I get out of there well before the person can speak to me. But it means now that there's almost nowhere I can take her. We go places and then have to leave and she doesn't understand why. So I stopped taking her places. The last time I was in a playground with her was months ago. That's why I let my guard down."

"I… I'm so sorry, that's horrible."

Skyler looked Marie in the eye and gave her an awkward half smile. "Thank you. Make sure you take her to plenty of playgrounds, huh? And the library and the mall and Chuck E Cheese and... I haven't been taking her to any of those places. We've been playing games at home, and sometimes we take a walk around my block - that's not usually as bad because at least people on my block expect to see me."

"Oh my god. That is so horrible and that is so _unfair_. We have a court system to punish people for doing the wrong thing, it is not the job of society to punish you, not just random people on the street - they don't even know anything, it's like -"

"Marie."

"It's not even any of their business!"

Skyler's phone began to ring. Marie continued talking. "They don't even know anything about it - I know about it, but they don't -"

"It's Kim, I gotta take this," said Skyler.

"- it's like the people on TV, they don't know anything either!"

"Hello?"

"Hi Skyler," said Kim. "Just called to give you a quick update."

"Sure."

"As I suspected, it's gonna be a while. Today the jury requested four additional pieces of information, which is a lot for the first day, and they will probably ask for more. And then of course they have to digest it and debate it and whatever else juries do."

"What did they ask for?"

"Yours, Flynn's and Marie's full interviews after Walt left, and Ted Beneke's interview with the IRS."

"Oh Jesus."

"Oh Jesus what?" whispered Marie.

"I wouldn't worry about that, I read it. He says it was all him. Anyway, what it means for you is that you have time off now. I can't say this for certain obviously, but I highly doubt they will reach a verdict before next week."

"What about um… The um..." Skyler knew exactly what she was trying to say, but couldn't bring herself to spit it out it, especially not in front of her sister.

Her sister said the exact thing she was thinking of. "Ask her about the Jesse Pinkman thing."

Skyler screwed up her eyes, and put the phone on speaker phone. Her skin tingling and her ankle bouncing, she nodded at Marie.

"Kim hi, it's Marie. We wanted to ask you, what about the Jesse Pinkman thing? Are they gonna lay charges?"

"Still not sure about that one. Listen, Skyler, take this break and use it. Recharge yourself, recover yourself as much as you possibly can while you can. Mental health care is not good inside, and you have just been through a three week-long trial which has dredged up the worst pieces of your life and gone over them with a fine-tooth comb. It's made you feel like shit and it would me too. Please take a break and give yourself time to recover."

Skyler rubbed her hand across your eyes. "I don't have time."

"You have at least five days."

"Is she allowed to leave Albuquerque?" asked Marie.

"Yes, as long as she stays within the county. You just need to be able to get back to the court within a couple hours when the time comes."

"Oh, why didn't we think of that before?" exclaimed Marie. "We could go away! A family trip!"

"I think that's a great idea," said Kim.

"Oh, except I have to work. But you could go away! I could join you on the weekend!"

"Anyway, I'll keep you informed. Don't go anywhere without cell phone reception and don't break your bail conditions, obviously. Do you have any questions?"

"No, thank you, Kim," said Skyler calmly.

"Alright. Call me anytime."

"Thanks. Bye."

"Bye."

"Bye Kim!"

Skyler hung up the phone and put her face in her hands. She slid her fingers gradually down her face, and then opened her eyes to see Marie looking at her with a grin on her face.

"That's an excellent idea. Let's go away. At least for the weekend, but you and Holly could go away for longer."

"I don't feel well, Marie."

"Exactly. You need a break. Oh my god, we could go to Delaney's!"

Skyler's eyes snapped shut.

"That place is so fun, but also relaxing - it was so helpful for Hank in his recovery, the staff were so understanding and there was always -"

Skyler cried out and hunched forward.

"There's plenty of privacy there too, and…"

Skyler began to cry.

"So I can't talk about Hank at all now, can I?"

"You shouldn't forgive me," Skyler sobbed.

"I'm not. I haven't. At this point, I am trying to keep you alive and as well as you can be, and like Kim says, there's not much chance to get do that in prison, so we have to do it now. Also I am trying to minimise the impact on Holly, which by association rolls onto me, because if you go and she doesn't wanna be with me, then my life will not be very fun. I can do perfectly well with her when she's happy, but I don't know how to control a kid who's misbehaving or who just doesn't wanna be with me, I mean if she pushes me away then what do I do?"

"What's happened between you and Holly?"

"Nothing in particular, she's just sticking to you. Like Flynn is."

"What do you mean?"

"Well Flynn's upset with me, and Holly, I don't know, nothing I can put my finger on but she takes her lead from him and you, so."

"Flynn's upset with you?"

"Yeah. Didn't you notice?"

Skyler looked at her in shock.

"You've got other things on your mind. It'll be fine, I mean it makes sense, when I think about it, because I am just the aunt and I'm not -"

"Why is he upset with you?"

"I assume because I slapped you in the face, I'm not sure exactly."

"You haven't asked him."

"No, it's just a feeling I get - he hasn't said anything but he just isn't interacting with me like he normally would. I don't know if Holly is too - maybe she is, maybe she isn't, but either way it makes sense that she could and that that would be difficult for me if -"

"But Holly has to be with you, she has to be happy with -"

"Alright, calm down, we'll talk to Dr Jensen about it tomorrow. I might be just imagining things, I don't know, I just felt both of them pushing back at me a bit... You and I had a fight and both of them went to you. Which, again, makes sense - I'm just trying to manage it because you're not gonna be here and I am, so…"

"I need a smoke." Skyler began walking towards the kitchen door. "Just… follow me and tell me what you mean. Like what actually happened."

"Nothing big, just...Kids can tell when there's tension, and they don't react well to it. That's another reason I think we should go on holiday. We're all pretty frayed, Sky, it's not just you. I know I could use a break." Marie reached the edge of the balcony and leaned over the railing. Skyler walked to the other end of it, opened the door of the living room and looked through at Holly. Holly didn't notice. She seemed happily distracted by the movie. Skyler left the door open and walked back over to Marie, putting a cigarette in her mouth as she did so. She lit it, and drew deeply. "Is Flynn ok?" she asked as she exhaled.

"He's fine, he's just… God dammit, why did you do this, Skyler, it is such a freaking mess!"

Skyler looked down and took another drag, if possible even deeper than the last. She blew out silently. The crickets chirped. Tinkerbell sang on the television. Everywhere else was silence.


	34. Chapter 34

"Good morning!" said ASAC Hoffman to the office at large as he walked briskly through it.

"Sir?" called Agent Martinez. "No luck."

"No, I didn't think so." ASAC Hoffman walked into his office and began his day by opening up his emails. There was a courtesy one there from Central Records about evidence and records drawn by the criminal court. Usually he found it quite interesting to be in that email group, but this week he had come to open those emails with dread. "Oh, you're kidding me," he grunted.

"What?" said Martinez, who had followed him in.

"The jury has requested any and all records relating to Skyler White's self-harm attempt when she jumped into a swimming pool two years ago."

"What? I didn't even know about that!"

"Oh, Marie mentioned it in her testimony, so."

"Really?"

"Yeah, the tabloids loved it."

"I don't read tabloids."

"Well then I don't blame you for not knowing about it - it's not remotely relevant to the criminal case against her."

"What is it?"

"Apparently she wanted to ask her sister for help but couldn't bring herself to actually say anything against Walt, so she sank to the bottom of a swimming pool while Marie and Hank were watching so that they would offer help."

"Hank was there?"

"Yeah, do you know if he said anything about it to anyone? This is when he and Marie took the kids apparently."

"Oh, I didn't even know they did that. He didn't mention anything about it at work."

"Mmm."

"Well do we have any evidence on it?"

"According to Records we do." He looked at the computer. "Interview with Marie Schrader, March 17th 2010. Well that's not gonna tell them anything new, they already heard Marie's opinion on it. Interview with Skyler White, April 7th 2010. Why such a gap there?"

"Do you have to approve this? Cos you shouldn't."

"No, Jesus, I don't have any power over it! What the jury wants the jury gets."

"Damn. Why would they want that?"

"They've already requested a few interview transcripts, actually. I think they're wanting to compare them with the testimonies they heard, see if there are any inconsistencies. I know I would. Anyway, on the attempted conspiracy charge, without any proof or any other charges or any state support, we really have nothing."

"What about her car?"

"What car?"

"Her car. Beat up piece of crap she drives to court. I'm pretty sure she used the drug money to pay for it."

"To pay for a beat up car?"

"Well it'd be too obvious if she bought a good car."

"She's practically bankrupt at this point."

"Yeah I know, she got this car after we took her other one, but we had also already frozen her accounts at that point, so how else could she pay for it?"

"Where'd she buy it?"

"Private sale."

"Well, if you can track whoever sold it to her down and they say she paid $5,000 cash or something, then yeah, ok... Looks suspicious, but the cash itself won't still be around at this point for you to check for Walter White's fingerprints. And if you could, well, that would prove that she had profited from a felony, which is something she was previously charged with and the charges were dropped as part of a deal, so we actually cannot charge her with that."

"Deals are unofficial. They're not legally binding."

"Yeah, but no other criminals will tell us anything ever if they think we break them!"

"God dammit. Why did they make a deal on that?"

"Because they wanted to find Hank and Steve."

"She would've told them anyway! It was GPS co-ordinates, right? We could have searched her house and found them, or just waited her out - Hank was her brother-in-law, she wanted to find him. Or we could have gone through Marie. She definitely wanted to find him."

"We did wait two or three weeks and negotiated a lot."

"I just think that's a bad deal."

"Look, it's over now, Joe, and so is this conspiracy thing. It's a non-starter. I want you to drop it."

"Alright, so let's just charge her with conspiracy to commit murder now."

"Without District Attorney support? That would go nowhere."

"Build support after."

"I've already asked him several times! Anyway, you can't arrest someone who's already on trial!"

"Yes you can. It's a good way of letting this be heard by the jury after all."

"Joe, give it up. We built a strong case for this trial, it's too late to add to it."

"What if I search her house and find some cash with Walter White's fingerprints on it?"

"Are you going to find drugs? Because the last time I checked, you work for the DEA."

"I'm gonna find drug profits."

"Joe. She's nearly bankrupt. If she had any of that, she spent it months ago. Give it up. In fact, I'm ordering you to give it up because I need you to do something else for me. Anderson is cracking into that new crew and he needs your help."

"What new crew?"

"Thirteen ounces of dyed blue meth we netted last week? Have you been paying any attention?"

"Thirteen ounces. Wow, that's huge," said Martinez sarcastically.

"It is huge. It's not Heisenberg level huge, but it is huge, and he's gone so thank God. Let's go back to doing our jobs so we can prevent anyone else from ever getting that big."

...

Skyler unlocked the door of the hilltop cabin and looked around warily. This wasn't because of any particular danger, but just because she looked around most places warily these days, even her own bathroom. The cabin had been booked by Flynn using a new online platform called AirBnb, and Skyler didn't know what it would be like, but she loved the fact that because it was booked online and the key was just left in the mailbox, no-one had to know she was there.

Holly tugged on her hand. "Can we go in, Mommy?"

"Yeah, just keep holding my hand while we look around. Just gotta make sure there's no burglars hiding or anything."

"Ok." They walked through the small living room and looked inside one of the bedrooms.

"Do burglars go to jail, Mommy?"

Skyler's eyes snapped shut and she steadied herself on the closet door as she set down her suitcase. "Yeah," she replied.

"Will you meet some burglars?"

"I expect so, yeah."

"Are they nice people?"

"No. They won't hurt Mommy but no, they are not good people."

They moved back into the hallway.

"I think burglars are stupid people. The ones in Home Alone, they were really stupid."

"Yeah. I think you're right." They looked into the second bedroom. "All criminals are stupid, Holly. Even the smart ones."

Holly frowned. "Even you?"

Skyler gripped the door frame and stood still for a second. "I'm not… yeah. I'm not a stupid person, Holly, but I did a very stupid thing. Stupid stupid stupid." They walked back into the hallway.

"I don't think you're stupid, Mommy."

"Thank you. Yeah, well no I'm not, it's just I did a very stupid thing." They entered the bathroom. "Oh my god, there's a spa bath!"

Holly looked. "What's that?"

"It's a bath with bubbles. It's pretty fun."

"Like a bubble bath?"

"No, not exactly. We'll try it out, you'll see. Ok, I'm gonna let go of your hand now, but remember it's not our house, so we have to treat it with extra care."

"Ok." Skyler let go of Holly's hand and she stayed in almost exactly the same place with her as they walked back along the hallway. "Whose house is it?"

"I don't know. We don't know them. Flynn paid them money on the internet; I think he said they come here for holidays too."

"Are they coming?"

"No. We're here all by ourselves. I think we should have some lunch and then try out the spa bath."

"We're all by ourselves?"

"Yeah."

"Where are the neighbours?"

"The nearest neighbour is at least half a mile away." Skyler picked up the bag of groceries she had left at the front door and moved it into the kitchen.

"But aren't there other people in the parking lot and on the path?"

"No, no-one else lives here." Skyler took some bread and margarine out of the bag and began looking around for a knife and chopping board.

"What about in the laundry room?"

"There isn't a laundry room. There's a washing machine in the bathroom. We probably won't need to use it, though."

"There's a washing machine in the house?" Holly ran back down the hallway to check. Skyler's hands fell heavily against the counter and she stood looking unseeingly at the chopping board, shocked that this was a new concept to her daughter.

Holly came running back along the hallway. "There is! There's a washing machine in the bathroom and a dryer!"

"Yeah." Skyler remained hunched over the chopping board.

"Why?"

Skyler closed her eyes and didn't answer.

"Mommy, why do they have them inside their house?"

Skyler take a deep breath and turned to look at her daughter. "Because most people do, Holly. Aunt Marie does."

"Really?"

"Yep. You can ask her to show you."

"Not in her bathroom."

"No, they're not in her bathroom, she has her own laundry room."

"They wouldn't fit in our bathroom."

"No, that's why we don't have them."

"Ohhhh. Only the big houses have them!"

"Yep. That's right." Skyler dug a knife into the margarine and began spreading the bread. "Only the big houses."

"Why does Aunt Marie have a big house and we have a small house? There's three of us and only one Aunt Marie."

"Because she has more money than us."

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't have any children."

"But if you have children then you have more people, and then you need a bigger house!"

"Yeah, but that's not how it works. You only get a big house if you have money."

"Oh, ok." Accepting this, Holly moved off to look around the living room. Skyler sighed, remembering the time when she had just accepted that too.


	35. Chapter 35

Marie received the text on her lunch break. Kleinman employees were not permitted to have their cell phones in their work areas. Marie took her salad out of the work fridge and sat down with her phone. The text was from Dave. It said,

_Marie, I have a cancellation this afternoon at 4:30. Would you like it?_

_Oh my god, yes please. Thank you. See you then._

Marie parked at the other side of the park she had taken Holly to the other day and walked through it, looking around and scowling. She wanted to see that woman again so she could give her a piece of her mind. She wasn't there.

...

Flynn lifted his heavy book bag onto his back and began the long trek across campus from the library to the parking lot. Halfway there, he ran into Louis.

"Hey man!" said Louis, smiling. "Long time no see!"

"Yeah, I-I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your thing the other day."

"Oh, that's cool. Hey if you wanna come over this weekend we're gonna have drinks and World of Warcraft."

"Sounds good b-but I can't because my family are going…away this weekend. It's our last chance to do it, s-so."

"That's cool, that's cool. Where you going?"

"J-just this cabin in the woods kind of place. It's not far."

"Alright. You doing ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, ah…" Flynn's eyes flipped to a park bench that was nearby. "Do you mind if we sit down?"

"Sure. Where you headed?"

Flynn sat down heavily and Louis joined him. "The parking lot."

"The main parking lot? That's far! Isn't there a disabled spot closer?"

"Yeah but it's always full."

"Don't you need that, though?"

"Yeah. I k-keep meaning to ask someone about it, but I…haven't had time."

"Oh ok. Well I could ask for you if you want."

"No, that's… that's ok."

"Why not? I have time and you don't. You don't even have time to hang out with me, man."

"I'm s-so sorry, I just have had, yeah, no time because I…have to do my college work but I also…have to be with my family pr-pretty much all the time outside of that because I've h-had to look after my sister a bunch of times and l-look after my mom because she's not well, and a-a couple other things have been going on too that…"

"I know. I watch the news. At least, my dad does."

"Yeah."

"And I've been thinking I'd really like to help you out somehow, but you're always busy and I probably can't help you look after your sister or whatever, so... But I can ask them about the parking. My mom would kill me if I didn't help you out with that. She'll be outraged, she'll be like, 'What? The university should be looking after Flynn!'"

Flynn laughed. "Ok."

"Good. I'll let you know what I find out. Meantime, you want me to carry a bag or something? Would that help? I'm not gonna carry you, because that would be weird. But I would carry you if we were in a burning building."

Flynn laughed again. "Thanks, man."

Louis picked up the bag. "Holly shit, you got bricks in there?"

"Well, it's s-surprising how many books you need for computing."

"Oh yeah, that's ironic." Louis swung the bag onto his back and the two of them stood up. "What are you doing for the rest of today?"

"N-not much."

"You just with your family?"

"No, m-my mom and Holly are already at the cabin. I'm joining them there tomorrow after class. T-today I'm free, though."

"Awesome. You wanna hang out?"

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"Cool."

...

Dave turned a page in his notebook and leaned back in his chair. "How do you feel about that?"

"I hate it. I hate everything about it."

"You hate multiple things about it?"

"Yeah. I hate the way she revealed it to me, I hate that she didn't tell me before, I hate that she was in such a state and she was so unwell, I hate that she has fallen that far, I hate that she might have to face another trial because of it and we have to go through all this shit again, I hate that she might have to go to prison for longer because of that… but it… well if I can talk selfishly about it, I hate all of those things because they all have a bad impact on me. Every single one of those things has a bad impact on me. And on Flynn and Holly, who just don't deserve any of this. And it's weird because sometimes I think, God it would've been so much better if she just hadn't told me. All of those things I just said that I hate would not happen if she'd just kept it to herself. Which is ridiculous, of course - I don't want her to hide things from me and I don't want anything about Hank's death to not be known about, so I don't know why I'm thinking like that, but… What I hate the most about this whole thing is that it has once again damaged my relationship with her, and as you know after Hank died one of the things that bothered me most was that I would lose Skyler as well. And I had been really pleased that that hadn't happened. And I thought it wasn't going to happen. But now…" Marie sighed and looked at her hands.

"So you would've rather if she hadn't told you?"

"That's really weird. It's really stupid because the whole point, the whole start of this enormous explosion that happened to our family eighteen months ago is because she didn't tell us something. And her not telling us that caused the whole problem to be so much bigger, and the hurt to be so much deeper and the betrayal… and - and I just, I just... I know it's ridiculous to say that I wish she hadn't said it, if she hadn't said it it would still be true. I would still be going around saying, 'Oh, you're not to blame for Hank's death.' She would still be feeling guilty about it but if she never said anything, she'd get away with it! With no consequences at all because in the current trial, her lawyer got Hank's death pretty much stripped off the record because she said it's not relevant because Skyler isn't to blame! Now we find out that she is to blame, I mean not fully, she didn't kill him, but she had a much greater hand in it than I ever imagined... than we ever imagined, any of us. Because I just didn't think that she would kill anyone, I mean it was directed at Jesse Pinkman, but it's still killing somebody! That's… that's…" Marie threw up her hands. "I can't even understand that! I - not that I understand any of what she did, but… I just, what do I do with that? How do I treat her after that?"

"Those are all very real and very difficult concerns, Marie."

"You can't tell me what to do. Yeah I know, I need to figure it out for myself, but…"

"Why do you think she told you?"

"Because she was… she, that night, she was… She was drowning in it." Marie looked down and fiddled with her hands.

"Do you think she wanted you to know?"

"Why, did she say that?"

"I can't tell you what she said to me, I'm just asking why do you think she told you - was she ranting and not in control of it, or was she calm and lucid?"

Marie frowned.

"I don't mean to say that she wasn't drowning - I think that's a very good assessment of what was happening - but was her confession something that was to her uncontrollable, i.e. was she ranting or stumbling, saying half sentences, not looking you the eye -"

"No."

"Was she in control of what she was saying, did it sound like her normal manner of speaking and did it make sense?"

"Yeah. And she did look me the eye."

"Then I'd say she meant to tell you because she wanted you to know."

"Yeah, she said that. On Monday she said that, she said I have a right to know and I have the right to cut her out of my life if I…"

"That must have been a tough thing to hear."

"Not as tough as the other thing!"

Dave nodded. "Yeah."

"So are you saying that's better, that she meant to tell me?"

"Well you can be the judge of that, but it means that she didn't wanna hide it from you."

"She hid a lot of other things."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Hurt. Just hurt and betrayed and… I dunno, I don't feel the betrayal so much now… or I didn't… I guess because she… she's the one who was hurt the most by it, so... It doesn't, it no longer feels like a dichotomy of me and Hank versus her and Walt, it's, it's just… her and me and Flynn and Holly… versus Walt, who hurt all of us."

"You feel badly for Skyler and what she's suffering."

"Yep. I do. Which is why this is really really out of left field, it just, it completely changes everything I thought about it and everything I felt about her or thought I understood; it just, it changes everything – everything. She asked someone to _kill_ someone."

"But you brought her to see me - you gave up your own appointment, which _you_ needed, to bring her to see me _after_ this happened. You obviously care about her very much."

"Yes I do, and I did that because the same night that she told me this, I witnessed her self-harming and for a good couple of minutes thought that she was actually attempting suicide, which was the worst feeling I ever had, no not ever because the worst feeling I ever had was when Hank died, but the idea that she might die completely freaked me out; I can't even describe it, it was just - I was just screaming and yelling and panicking… and then I patched her up and the nurse came and the nurse did like an interview with her, like a mental health assessment, and she said, 'Don't leave her alone because her risk of suicide is high'!" Marie's arms flew up again, and tears came to her eyes. "What can I do? I have to stop that, I have to try and look after her, but I'm…" Her voice broke. "I can't talk to her normally, I can't be… supportive to her because… because she..."

"Do you think she's to blame for Hank's death?"

Marie stopped talking, breathing quickly in and out. "I don't want her to be," she said, her pain evident in her voice. "I'm trying, I'm trying to find a reason for her not to be. And she keeps telling me there's no reason. Did she talk to you about it?"

"What she said to me is confidential, I can't share it with you, just as I didn't share anything you've said to me with her. But it is clear to me that you love her very much and that you would be hurt very much if you lost her. And it's clear that she loves you very much too. Based on what you've told me about the general facts about it, she certainly didn't mean for it to happen."

"No."

"Previously you said that you blamed her for Hank's death because she didn't help Hank when he asked her. You said that was the reason he had to go out on his own."

"No but I got over that because I realised that even if she had helped him, it wouldn't have been enough. Because she didn't know anything. Barely anything - the DEA told me she knew almost nothing about Walt's operation, so I was able to get over that because I figured out that even if she had helped Hank, it wouldn't have been enough for Hank to arrest Walt and prosecute him - it wouldn't have been enough. But what I realise now, that I hadn't realised before, is that when Hank first spoke to her, Walt had not yet buried the money in the desert! When Hank spoke to Skyler, Skyler knew where the money was! She could have taken Hank to it and that would've been enough! He would've had him with that! And I asked her about that the other day and she said she wouldn't have talked to Hank and she wouldn't have taken him to the money, she didn't want to! It wasn't just because she was scared, it was because she didn't want to!" Marie began to cry again and Dave handed her a tissue.

"I don't know what to tell you, Marie, but I would suggest it might be helpful for you to write some things down. For example, you could write down what you already knew and what you were able to get past, and how you got past it, and try and figure out what it is exactly that's different about this new information. For example, you did know that your brother-in-law made a lot of illegal money and that Skyler was complicit in that. That she helped him to hide it. So maybe she wanted that money and didn't want to give it up. That's illegal, but it doesn't mean she meant any harm to Hank."

"Now she doesn't want any money. My nephew came into some money by other means and he keeps trying to share it with her, like especially before when she was working so much and making so little for it, and she couldn't spend much time with he and Holly because she was working absolutely all the time, and he offered to help her with bills and rent and things so that she didn't have to work so much, and she refused. She wouldn't accept any money. She'd rather be poor."

"Perhaps she feels that way because she refused to help Hank because she wanted the money, and Hank was killed. So now she doesn't want any money."

"Yeah."

"I don't know, I'm just exploring possibilities. It sounds like she would be happy to tell you if you asked her."

"Her self-guilt is enormous. It's the biggest part of why she's so sick I think, and I'm so worried about her being sick and I used to try and help with that by telling her that it wasn't her fault… but now I can't tell her that anymore and I can't tell her that I forgive her and I… I think I end up making her illness worse because I just say things that are... the truth, but they... make her feel worse. And me!"

"What does your nephew think?"

"Oh, he's fine with it. He's just so forgiving all the time - I don't know how he does it. I'm jealous."

"Did he tell you why he's fine with it?"

"He said that if she told Walt to kill Jesse Pinkman she must have been really really really scared, and he seemed to really feel for her on that, and he's also very keen to look after her now - he's taking on the role of being the person who tries to make sure she's alright. It should be me doing that, but he's doing it. He doesn't know, I haven't told him about the self-harm or... being suicidal. But despite not even knowing about that, he is just prioritising taking care of her, because I guess he can see that she's not ok because that's pretty obvious all the time. He's really worried about her and he feels for her reasons for doing it. And he just blames Walt and not her."

"Why do you think she was so scared of Jesse Pinkman?"

"Because he tried to burn down their house. And she said that it was not long after Gustavo Fring threatened to kill our entire family, even Holly. So she was just really afraid that the children would be hurt or killed."

"Would you kill someone to protect Holly?"

Marie's eyes widened, she looked at Dave and then she looked at the floor. "Yeah I would," she said quietly.

"Any mother would, Marie. I can direct you to some books and journal articles about psychological studies on what mothers will do to protect their children. Some of the case studies are frightening. That a gentle and caring woman can bash someone to death, for example, to protect her child. I asked you if you would because I know you look on Holly like a daughter too."

"Yeah."

"What about those other things that you said before upset you about it; the way she told you, that she'd kept it from you before...?"

"Yeah, well. I guess the reason she hadn't said anything before was that she just didn't wanna be prosecuted for it. But now her sense of guilt has got so bad that she does wanna be."

"_She_ thinks that she is to blame for Hank's death."

"Yeah. I guess it had been beating at her for so long that she had to let it out. She wants me to punish her as well as the government. She said she thought I had a right to know. But it's not fair on me! It's not fair - the way she said it, the reason she said it, or anything about it!"

"Is it fair on her?"

"No! She didn't even kill Hank! Walt and some guy called Jack Welker did!"

Dave raised his eyebrows. "So you don't blame her?"

"Well of course she didn't actually kill him! I know that! I know she didn't mean him any harm, and I know how badly she feels about it and that she didn't want to do any of it and she was trapped by Walt and made to do so many things she didn't want to do, and…" Marie sighed, shifted in her chair, and then frowned. "But she still did them."

...

"Mommy, are these all trees?"

"Yeah!"

"But there are so many of them! Where are the buildings and the roads?"

"There aren't any. Just trees."

Holly trotted ahead of Skyler along the path, her neck craning and her mouth open.

"Be careful, watch your feet! You could trip over."

Holly stopped and turned around. "Is this a forest?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Whoaaaah! I've never seen a forest before!"

Skyler swallowed as she realised this was true. Holly had barely been out of Albuquerque before. There had been so much drama in the child's young life that the family had never ever found the time or the inclination before now. "Here, hold my hand," she said. "Then I can look at our feet and you can look up at the trees."

"Did they grow that tall all by themselves?"

"Yeah, trees can grow really tall."

"Whoaaaaaahh."

"I'm sorry I haven't brought you to a forest before, Holly."

"Are there fairies here? Is there magic?"

"I don't know. Maybe. It feels pretty special."

...

Marie left Dave's office and strode across the street with a frown on her face. Sometimes talking to him really helped, other times it made her feel even worse. He told her it would take a few more sessions to get through what had happened to her since their last session. She had wanted to stay there and blast through it all now, and wished his appointment times weren't so limited. She walked across the lawn of the park thinking about what she was going to say next time. Her frown deepened further.

As she reached the edge of the lawn, she saw her. The same woman. Sitting on the same bench. The same two boys playing in the playground in front of her. Marie marched right over to her with fire in her eyes. The woman looked up and saw her coming, and looked all around the park, the playground and the parking lot beyond it.

"Checking to see if my sister's here?" demanded Marie. "Checking to see if my innocent three-year-old niece is corrupting your precious grandsons?"

The woman smiled awkwardly and looked away.

"What is your problem? What makes you think you have the right to judge people you've never even met before!"

"I'd rather not discuss it," said the woman, standing. "Robert! James! Time to go home!"

"Oh yeah? You'd rather not? How would you like it if you didn't get a choice but to have other people impose their nasty comments and dirty looks on you everywhere you went?"

"I - errr…."

"Oh wait, you probably have experienced that, haven't you, you ugly old bag!"

The woman looked at Marie for the first time, and frowned. "I was just trying to protect my grandsons. There's no need for personal insults."

"Protect them from what?"

"Robert! James! Your mom will be here soon!"

"Protect them from what? You were the one yelling and stopping them from enjoying themselves!"

The woman began walking towards the parking lot, the boys running ahead of her.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Marie grabbed her shoulder and turned her around roughly.

"Get your filthy hands off me!"

"Oh, filthy? My hands? Really?"

"Well you are clearly just the same as your filthy sister, who will be right where she belongs in a few days!"

"That is none of your business! She was just trying to help her daughter enjoy the slide with your grandson - which was his idea, by the way!"

"She had the gall to put her filthy hands on him!"

"She was helping them down the slide! Little Robert was having a great time until you showed up!"

A younger woman got out of a car that had just pulled over at the edge of the parking lot and quickly ushered the two boys inside it.

"He was stuck between the two of them," yelled the older woman, "That stinking whore and her disgusting drug spawn!"

Marie gasped, and her pupils widened. A loud crack echoed across the playground as she slapped the woman hard across the face.

"Mom!" screamed the younger woman. She ran towards them, putting her phone to her ear.

"How dare you talk about an innocent child like that!" screamed Marie. "You have no idea what we've been through!"

"I know enough! You keep away from my family!"

"You keep away from mine!"

"Mom, are you ok?" said the younger woman breathlessly as she arrived at her mother's side, putting a hand on her shoulder and checking her face for injuries.

"Amanda, this is the sister of Skyler White who was here the other day, and who dared put her hands on Robert!"

"What?" Amanda frowned at Marie.

"Robert was having a nice time with my niece, and your hag of a mother - who was perfectly lovely to me before that, by the way, the two-faced cow - started yelling and frightening the children and grabbed hold of my sister, who was only trying to help them go down the slide -"

"Ma'am, I've called the police. You need to leave my mother alone."

"Skyler White was here, and she grabbed Robbie like -"

"She did not! And that's not the point anyway, the point is who she is is none of your business and has no part to play in how you should behave in a playground!"

"What do you mean, she grabbed him? Why didn't you tell me this, Mom?"

"I mean she grabbed him at the top of the slide and told him to put his arms around her disgusting little brat, and -"

Marie launched. She didn't know if she was screaming or crying, fighting or running, but she had reached a limit and there was no going back. Palms hit cheeks, fingers ripped hair, Amanda dug her fingers painfully into Marie's armpit as she tried to pull her off, but her mother was giving as good as she got, and it took three passers-by to prize the two women apart.

"Don't you dare talk about my niece like that!" screamed Marie as she tried to launch herself forward again and the man holding her almost lost his balance. "She's an innocent child!"

"Well if you're anything to go by, there's not much hope for her!"

"Mom, try to calm down," hissed Amanda.

"Look at you!" yelled Marie. "Fighting in a playground in front of your grandsons!"

"You started it!"

Amanda looked at the woman who was helping her hold her mother and rolled her eyes. "Mom, this isn't helping."

"You called a three-year-old child disgusting!"

"She's the spawn of Heisenberg! That is disgusting!"

"Oh yeah, you can't help who your parents are - look at your daughter, she is rolling her eyes at you! I know who James and Robert really need protecting from, and it's not my sister!"

The older woman broke free, charging into Marie with her pink fingernails bared. Marie, whose arms were still held behind her back by one of the passers-by, attempted to headbutt her and stomp on her foot. The police arrived and joined Amanda and the three passers-by in pulling them apart.

"What happened to my family is none of your business, you bitch!"

"You should all be locked up, not just your sister!"

"Ma'am, you're under arrest."


	36. Chapter 36

Tim Roberts knocked on the door of the cell, and the duty officer opened it for him. Marie turned and looked up at him in hard-jawed steeliness. "It doesn't sound good, Marie," he said.

"Did you set them straight about her?"

"Witnesses say she was fighting too, but they say you hit her first."

"She called Holly 'disgusting drug spawn'!"

Tim sighed. "That's awful, Marie, but it doesn't justify violence. Was Holly there? Is she ok?"

"No, she wasn't there - it was just me. I was in the same park the other day with Skyler and Holly and that same woman was yelling at us; she grabbed Skyler and screamed at her - Skyler was scared and she just ran away, otherwise I would've done more then. She has to be stopped - she flipped just like that: one minute she was being completely pleasant and friendly, and the next -"

"She wants to press charges."

Marie's jaw dropped open. "What? _She_ wants to press charges? I'm the one who should be pressing charges - the other day she attacked my family and today she attacked me!"

"Her daughter says you attacked her first."

"The police saw her attacking me!"

"There were faults on both sides, but..."

Marie looked at him like he was crazy. "F-faults on _both_…? No no no, there were faults on _her_ side!" She leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms. "I would like to press charges against her, please."

"That's your choice, and I'm gonna do whatever I can for you. But you used your one phone call in calling me, so how about I call a lawyer for you."

"Sure. A lawyer can help me press charges."

...

"We love it, honey, thank you so much," said Skyler, sitting down on the old leather sofa in the cabin.

"You're welcome," said Flynn. "Is it... relaxing?"

"Yeah, it's…not so loud."

"Th-that's good."

"So you're coming up with Aunt Marie tomorrow?"

"Yeah. W-we can go together, I suppose. That's a good idea."

"Yeah. And you can have a nice talk along the way."

"Yeah. Ok, I gotta go now because I wanna w-watch the late news."

"You're still doing that? I'm not still on there, am I?"

"You weren't last night."

"Good."

"Ok, I-I guess we'll be there at maybe 4:30 or 5 tomorrow? Oh-oh wait, that's getting into rush hour. M-maybe 5:30, then."

"Ok, we'll see you then. I love you."

"Love you, Mom. Bye."

Flynn hung up the phone and turned on the television. The headlines had already rolled and the newsreader was part way through the first story, which was about a senator who had been caught sleeping with his secretary. "But perhaps more concerning than the moral implications are the public expenses implications. It was revealed this evening that the senator's Congress-issued credit card had been used to pay for dinners and hotel rooms he had shared with Mrs Jordan using an assumed name."

Flynn stood up. The news story ended and a commercial break began. He went to the bathroom, returned and went to the fridge to pour himself a glass of soda.

"Accused felon Skyler White's sister Marie Schrader has been arrested for brawling in a children's playground in Albuquerque this afternoon."

Flynn left the soda on the counter and the fridge open as he stumbled back into the living room, a look of shock on his face.

The TV screen showed a group of teenagers standing in the park. "She just went for this old lady - she was yelling and screaming at her," said one girl.

"Right from the start," said another, "Like, she just walked straight up to her and started yelling."

"And then she just went for her, and the old lady went for her back - it was pretty full on."

The image cut to Amanda and her mother standing outside Albuquerque Police Station. "My mother, a senior citizen, was physically attacked, yelled at and humiliated in a children's playground with my kids looking on," said Amanda. 'Amanda Peelman, victim's daughter,' said the subtitle. "It was the worst behaviour I have ever seen. And my mom didn't even know this woman; she just came out of the blue and attacked her."

"Mrs Schrader was not available for comment," said the journalist's voiceover, "talking through her lawyer." The image cut to Kim, standing in front of the same police station. "Two days ago, Mrs Harper had an altercation with Skyler White and her three-year-old daughter in the Mary Street playground. Today, when Mrs White's sister Mrs Schrader happened to come across Mrs Harper in the same playground, she spoke to her about the incident, asking Mrs Harper why she had yelled at her sister and niece. An argument developed, and unfortunately this argument became physical on both sides. No significant injuries were sustained and both parties have now apologised."

The image cut back to the newsroom. "It is understood both women were arrested and taken to Albuquerque Police Station," said the news anchor, "where they were later released, with no charges being laid. It is believed Skyler White was not involved in the incident.

"Looking internationally now, the British Prime Minister has -"

Flynn hit the mute button, pulled out his phone and dialled his aunt. "What... what the hell, Aunt Marie! I've just seen the news! What-what the hell?"

"Oh, don't worry, it's sorted out now."

"But how could you do that? With everything we're – w-what if it - why?"

"Don't tell your mother, please."

"Yes I am, I'm gonna tell her - y-you can't do that, you can't…behave like that!"

"It is NOT for you to tell me what to do!"

"After everything Mom has gone through – w-what if it reflects… badly on her?"

"She wasn't there. Don't tell her."

"That doesn't matter, p-people will talk and - why, why would you do this, I don't understand! We've been -"

Marie hung up the phone and threw it to the other end of the sofa. She stared at it for a moment and then burst into tears.


	37. Chapter 37

Marie pulled up outside the cabin the following afternoon, got out of her car, and manoeuvred her purple suitcase awkwardly onto the front verandah. The front door of the cabin opened and Holly tumbled out. "Aunt Marie! Hi! Welcome to holiday!"

"Thanks, honey!" Marie leaned down and hugged her. Skyler took her suitcase and carried it through to the second bedroom.

Holly kept talking. "It's so great here, it's in a forest! This house is _in_ a forest and there's no other buildings for a really really really really really long way! And it's so quiet, but you can yell if you want because nobody can hear you! It's really weird. But I like it."

"You didn't come with Flynn?" said Skyler.

"Oh no, I… I wanted to take my own car, and anyway I had to leave a bit earlier than him."

"Ok." Skyler looked at her sister curiously. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, fine." Marie put on an obviously fake smile. "Did you bring any wine? I mean I did, it's just it's not chilled yet."

"Come see the house!" called Holly from the end of the hallway.

"Ah yeah, yeah I did," said Skyler.

"Aunt Marie! This way!"

"All right," said Marie, following Holly into the first bedroom.

"This is mine and Mommy's bedroom," said Holly, doing a twirl in its doorway and then stepping back into the hallway. "And this is your bedroom here. You can put your things in here. And you can go to sleep in here. Where are your things?"

"I think your mommy already put them in there for me."

"Did she?" Holly looked inside and saw the suitcase. "Oh yeah. Ok, and this is Finn's room, but he's not here yet. And this is the bathroom." Holly opened the bathroom door. "It has a bubbly spa bath."

"Oh my god, really?" Marie looked inside, and her mouth fell open. "That is so awesome."

"Yeah, Holly's been in twice already," said Skyler. "It's pretty amazing."

"Can I go in that right now?"

"Sure."

"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" yelled Holly.

"Well hang on, Holly, Aunt Marie might wanna go in there by herself."

"But you said we could wear a swimsuit and go in with everyone!"

"Yes, but one, Aunt Marie might not have her swimsuit, and two, she might wanna go in there by herself."

"I don't have my swimsuit," said Marie.

"No problem. This bathroom is all yours, and the wine will be waiting for you when you get out."

"Actually I would really like to take a glass of wine in there."

"Certainly." Skyler turned and walked briskly back to the kitchen. "That can be arranged!" She quickly poured a glass and walked back along the hallway to hand it to her sister. "Enjoy."

"Thanks." Marie gave a half smile.

"You sure you're ok?"

"I will be after this."

"Alright. Come on, Holly. You wanna play Hungry Hippos again?"

"Yeah!"

Marie was in the bathroom for a long time. The bubbles felt amazing. So did the wine. She didn't even care that it was Skyler's cheap wine, it just tasted so relaxing. She wished she'd brought the whole bottle in. She put her head back on the edge of the tub and closed her eyes.

Flynn pulled up after the fourth round of Hungry Hungry Hippos. Holly bounced around him excitedly and eagerly accepted the chocolate he'd brought her.

"Is Aunt Marie here?"

"Yeah, she's in the amazing spa bath," said Skyler.

"The amazing spa bath!" echoed Holly.

"Flynn found a good place for us to stay, didn't he?"

"Yeah!"

"So n-no problems?"

"No. Thank you, honey."

"Finn, will you play snap with me?"

"Yeah, sure Holly - j-just a sec, I need to talk to Mom about… something."

Flynn lead Skyler into the corner of the kitchen. He looked across at Holly, then dropped his voice low and looked his mother in the eye. "Aunt Marie got arrested."

Skyler's heart rate shot up. "What?"

"She didn't tell me, I s-saw it on the news...last night. She told me not to tell you, b-but I think… I think you should know, because it's worrying, and -"

"What did she - why - what did she…?"

"She attacked an old lady in a park. No, a _p-playground_."

Skyler stepped back, her mouth falling open.

"I don't know... who the old lady was, but Kim w-was on the news talking about it and she said there... was an earlier incident in that park with y-you and Holly; do you know what she's... talking about?"

Skyler nodded. "Yeah."

"What happened?"

"Oh, this lady just yelled at me. Is it the same lady?"

"Y-yeah. That's what Kim said. Aunt Marie... w-won't say anything, she won't... talk to me about it, sh-she hung up the phone on me last night!"

"Alright, well, let's just give her time and space. What happened then, was she, she wasn't -"

"Charged? No. A-apparently both parties apologised. But it was... all over the news, and w-why would she do that - this... this is the last thing we need, with everything else going on-"

"Ok, no value judgements, alright? We don't know the full story."

"Because she wouldn't tell me the... full story!"

"Well yeah, she can be like that. Let's just -"

The bathroom door clicked open, and Skyler and Flynn went silent. Over Flynn's shoulder, Skyler watched Marie walk into her bedroom and shut the door.

"Just be calm about it, ok?"

"W-what happened the other day?"

"Oh, just the usual."

"Finn, are you coming?" called Holly.

"Not yet, c-can you play with the cards by... yourself for a while?"

Holly sighed loudly. "Ok..."

Flynn's voice fell to a whisper again. "What's the usual?"

"She didn't want me anywhere near her grandson. We just left, it wasn't a big deal, but Marie hadn't seen that happen before."

The bedroom door opened, and Marie retrieved the wine glass from the bathroom and then walked back to the kitchen. The sudden silence wasn't lost on her. She maintained it as she opened the fridge and poured herself another glass. "You want some, Sky?" she asked.

"Not yet. Thanks."

Marie shut the fridge and turned towards them. "I know he told you. You can both stop looking at me like that."

"Are you ok?" asked Skyler.

"Yes."

"Aunt Marie, w-what were you doing? I don't understand!"

"What I did was perfectly reasonable, and I don't have to justify myself to you."

"Alright, alright, go easy, we're all at breaking point here. Not because of that, because of the other thing." Skyler put her hands to her forehead, and Marie and Flynn stared at each other. "Ah, I'm gonna start making us some dinner. Flynn, I believe Holly wants you."

"We're gonna… talk about this some more, right? L-like after Holly's in bed?"

"I dunno, maybe."

"We are." Flynn sullenly walked to the living room, where Holly started talking to him animatedly about the king, queen, ace, jack and all the numbers and what they had been doing together.

Marie gripped the edge of the counter, her head facing down, looking at her wine glass.

"Are you ok?" Skyler repeated, realising for the first time that Marie had a long scratch down one side of her face.

"About which problem in particular?"

"Being arrested."

"Yeah. At first that made me even more angry but it's been sorted out now, so it's fine."

Skyler nodded. "Good."

"I'm less ok about being on the news, because my boss saw that, and this morning I got fired."

Skyler gasped.

"They were just looking for a reason, they haven't supported me for a long time. They didn't want me to go part-time either. Mindy helped me with that, but… she can't help me with this. And they definitely didn't want me to take last week off."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I... It's my fault, I put you in a position where…"

"Oh, just add it to the list, Skyler."

Skyler nodded. "Yeah. Is there anything you can do, can you... contest it?"

"Came down from Mr Kleinman himself. And my immediate boss, who's been resisting me for some time."

"I'm so sorry."


	38. Chapter 38

Skyler closed the picture book and placed it on the nightstand. Holly's eyelids were heavy, but she was trying to keep them open. Skyler stroked her hair. "Close your eyes," she said softly.

She heard a bang from the living room, and then Marie's voice saying angrily, "Are you not even gonna give me any sympathy about that?"

Holly's eyes closed. Skyler left the bedroom and quietly closed the door.

"I just… you should have been more careful! All-all eyes are…on us and y-you know that and - and anyway attacking an old lady is -"

"I did not do that!"

"Hey, you two!" hissed Skyler, arriving in the living room and positioning herself between them. "Shoosh. Holly's asleep."

"I did not do that," Marie repeated.

"That's not what the witnesses said, a-and that's not what Kim said when I called her!"

Skyler looked at Flynn in surprise. "What?"

"There were… witnesses talking on the news, and -"

"Oh, cos we know people on TV always tell the truth!" Marie rolled her eyes.

"Kim is not allowed to tell you anything!" said Skyler.

"She didn't, she just… it was the impression that I got. She s-stole your lawyer, by the way!"

"I'm paying her, it's not pro bono!" said Marie.

"That's fine," said Skyler. "She works for different people - she's not exclusively my lawyer. And I don't think she would say anything to imply -"

"How-how are you gonna pay her when you've lost your job?"

"Flynn, enough!" Skyler stepped in front of her son and fixed him with a glare he hadn't seen since he'd stolen the neighbour's baseball mit at age eleven. "Now listen, both of you: 1, please don't wake Holly up, and 2, can we please sit down and _calmly_ talk about this whilst all giving each other the _respect_ that we deserve."

Marie turned and briskly walked to the sofa and sat down. Skyler joined her. A subdued Flynn walked slowly to the armchair and sank into it sullenly.

"Firstly," said Skyler, "we need to be aware that this is a very dangerous time for us to be having an argument because all three of us are at the absolute limit of what we can bear. That means, among other things, that we lose our tempers much more easily and say nasty things much more easily, and once said those things cannot be unsaid, so _please_ think before you speak. I assume, in fact I'm quite certain, that the fact that we are already up to our limit is the reason why Marie got into a mess yesterday and why you have been saying uncaring things tonight, Flynn. When you reach that limit you can't even think rationally, let alone act." She looked at Marie. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."

"Oh, no. Kim was really helpful, actually. She sorted it out."

"That's good."

"I called her because I know she's a good lawyer. Well actually I called Tim because I thought he could sort it out, but he couldn't so he called her for me. And she was really good and she sorted it out and she even did a little press conference thing to manage the PR of it. For both me and you."

"Th-that's the thing, Aunt Marie. The entire world is looking at our family. W-why would you wanna make that worse?"

"I didn't _want_ to do anything - I hit that woman because she insulted Holly!"

Skyler's eyes snapped to Marie's, and Marie immediately wished she hadn't said that. "Not that I should have to justify myself," she hissed at Flynn.

"W-what did she say about Holly?" he asked.

Marie took a breath. "Look at your mother, Flynn. I don't think she needs to hear that."

Skyler clasped her hands together and looked down. In and out. In and out. In and out. "Marie, I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. And now with your job, and... I'm sorry that I've put you through so much that lead you to be at your breaking point. And you never would've had to deal with this woman at all if it weren't for me, so. I'm really sorry."

"Why do you always b-blame yourself, Mom?"

"I blame myself when things are my fault."

"It's not. Aunt Marie made her own s-stupid decisions."

Skyler looked up. "Are you a judgemental person? Because I didn't raise you to be."

Flynn reeled back in his chair. "W-what are you saying, that I'm acting like Dad?"

"No! No, I-I..."

"Well if I'm not acting how you w-want me to act, then -"

"No, Flynn, you act how you wanna act, you are your own person and you're not remotely like either of your parents, but it's my job as your mom to try and teach you to be a good person. That means do as I say not as I do, right? And perhaps don't do as Aunt Marie does either, but everybody is going to stuff up sometimes, and when they do you need to show compassion, not judgment. Compassion like you showed to me when you found out the worst thing I've ever done."

"You can't compare her to you, that's a-apples and oranges!"

"I'm not comparing it, but I am sorry that you have had to deal with this over and over again, that the adults in your life keep on using non-legal means to deal with their problems and you -"

"It's not the same thing!"

"I'm not saying it is."

"Dad did something horrible and you f-fell on your sword to protect us from it! What you did was s-selfless, and it was s-stupid too, but it was done in aid of other people. What Aunt Marie has…done is th-the opposite. It's horrible that that lady insulted H-Holly, but it doesn't benefit Holly at all for you to…brawl with her, a-all it does is let you take your anger out on her, a-and then Kim and the rest of us have to mop up the pieces! And it c-certainly doesn't benefit Holly that you've…lost your job! Luckily I have money I can give you, b-but what if I didn't? We'd all be homeless and hungry again!"

"Obviously losing my job was not my intention. It's not possible to think about consequences when you're listening to this disgusting woman insulting your family! I was so angry I had steam coming out of my ears - I couldn't think about anything else!"

Skyler placed a hand on hers. "It's alright."

"It's n-not alright, Mom! You're a calm person. Aunt Marie is not a calm person and n-neither am I, that's how I know about this! I yelled at s-so many people who were insulting my family in the school yard and on the street, and it never got me… anywhere! It only ever made it worse! Th-the way to deal with that shit is to put your head down and don't react. Y-you've told me that several times, and now I do it and it works! If you don't respond to them, they go away!"

Skyler took her hand away from Marie's, not wanting to concern her with the fact that it was beginning to sweat and shake. "I'm sorry," she said.

"No, don't be sorry, it's not your fault! Y-you're the one who fell on your sword trying to prevent it! And you did it calmly and without yelling at or… hitting anyone!"

Skyler laughed, gripping the edge of the sofa tightly and jiggling her feet. "Except that one time I pulled a knife." She gasped, and breathed.

"Aunt Marie, I just w-want you to think about the fact that because of all that, the… eyes of the world are on us -"

"Oh, like I don't know that."

"- and it's particularly important right now that n-nothing looks bad for Mom, because we want the jury to go easy on her."

"All thoughts I was not capable of having when I had steam coming out my ears."

"I know, but…I wanna warn you, since y-you're gonna be looking after Holly and s-spending a lot of time with her, that things will happen - people will stare, p-people will say things, and you need to… prepare for that."

Skyler whimpered.

"Mom, it's… not your fault, it's Dad's. Aunt Marie, just-just why don't you ask your therapist for tips on th-things you can do to stop yourself from… getting angry. My counsellor did that for me when I was in school. I got in tr-trouble for yelling a couple times, and she gave me… some information on it - it was o-on a printed sheet, I'll see if I can find it. It said things like breathe deeply, count backwards from 10, and j-just walk away, just don't reply. G-go and cool off somewhere and get… get some ice cream or something, and… let it wash over you. I did bring ice cream actually, w-would you like some?"

Marie glowered for a long moment and took a breath. "Sure."

"Ok." Flynn stood up and went to the kitchen.

Marie turned to her sister. "Young people can be such know-it-alls."

Skyler didn't react. She was still gripping the edge of the sofa, her arms rigid and her body bent forward.

"Oh wait, not necessarily young people - I seem to remember Dad telling me the exact same thing." She looked at Skyler again, her expression softened and a lump formed in her throat. "Come here." She put her arm around her. "Don't worry, please don't worry. Holly will be fine. You're right, I'm not normally an angry person and I don't normally yell at strangers, so this won't happen again. Certainly nothing she can see will happen. If anyone says anything, I'll just take her away."

"What about him?" Skyler whimpered.

"Flynn? Well, he'll take me away. He can handle himself very well."

"He shouldn't have to."

"I know. I'll look after him too, don't worry."

"He's resistant to that."

Marie chuckled. "Yeah."

"Alright, y-you two can… stop talking about me now and come get ice cream," said Flynn from the kitchen.

Marie stood up and went to get the three bowls of chocolate ice cream. She avoided making eye contact with Flynn. He followed her back to the living room, and stopped in his tracks when he saw his mother. She was bent over almost double, her eyes scrunched shut, and he thought he could see her body shaking. Marie put an arm around her and pressed the bowl of ice cream into her hands. "Come on, sit up," she said, rubbing Skyler's arm with one hand and putting the other on the front of her chest to lift her. "Remember it restricts your airway when you hunch forward like that. Breathe deeply and have some wonderful chocolate ice cream - this is really good comfort food."

Flynn stared, breathing in and out. His wide eyes moistened as Marie continued to rub Skyler's arm. She placed her head on Skyler's shoulder and kissed it.

Skyler turned around, looking for Flynn. Her eyes met his.

"I'm sorry," he gasped.

She shook her head. "No, that's ok. Just take your own advice and don't yell at your family members, huh? I yelled at you too, I'm sorry."

"Th-that's ok." Flynn sat down and picked up his ice cream.

Skyler inhaled four spoonfuls of ice cream and tried to ignore her craving for a cigarette.

Marie watched her. "Don't you ever wanna scream?"

Skyler looked up, then down again, her body hunched over her ice cream bowl.

"To yell and kick and scream and… and flail your arms about, and… I think it was good for me, it… let some stuff out, you know? Like today I feel… well I don't feel good today because I got fired, but after that happened I went and screamed in my car for a bit, and… I think it helps to do that - I mean people say it helps to cry, which is true as well, but I think sometimes it helps to scream."

"Y-you did that alone in your car?" said Flynn.

"Yeah. It made me feel heaps better."

"Yeah, th-that was one of the things I really missed when I didn't have a car."

Skyler looked up. "What?"

"No I mean, I-I don't mean that I go and scream in my car all the time, I actually…haven't done that, b-but the car lets me go to be by myself sometimes. M-my point is that you shouldn't scream at others, so it's…good to be alone. But yeah, y-you're right, Aunt Marie. It does make you…feel better."

"One of the things I really hate is that I never got to scream at Walt."

"Yeah. M-me too."

Marie turned to Skyler. "Did you?"

Skyler placed her empty bowl on the coffee table and began to fiddle with her spoon. "I argued with him a few times."

"No I don't mean argue, I mean scream and yell, just who the fuck are you and how dare you and look at this -"

"Marie, Walt would not let you do that. He would argue back."

"Screaming at a person doesn't work," said Flynn.

"What did you argue with him about?"

Nobody spoke for a couple of minutes. Skyler kept turning the spoon over and over in her hands.

"A couple of weeks ago I w-went to umm... I-it's a good place for it, umm… it's this big derelict parking lot just past the airport. I can… show you where it is if you want, Aunt Marie. D-Dad took me there to teach me to drive, s-so it's a place where I think of him. So a couple of weeks ago I went there and just… yelled at him. It was good cos it's… in the middle of nowhere s-so you can be as loud as you like. It did make me feel better."

"That's good," said Marie. "See? Yelling helps." She nodded in a satisfied manner.

"Just not at other people, right? A-alive people, anyway."

"He didn't mean for any of this to happen," said Skyler softly.

Flynn and Marie both looked at her, and then at each other.

Skyler turned to Marie. "You know what Kim was saying about how when I was doing it I didn't know how bad it would get and I thought he was a, a small-time… you know. Well so did he. He didn't know it'd get this far. I mean I'm not saying it was right, I'm just... I'm just saying he didn't mean for this to happen."

Flynn looked at his aunt, his eyebrows rising. "A-are you gonna take this, or shall I?"

"Yes he did want to!" said Marie. "He wanted to be the kingpin - what about his 'I am the danger' speech?"

"He said that because I was afraid of the people he was working with and he wanted me not to be."

"What, by making you afraid of him instead?"

"He didn't mean for that to happen either. He seemed to be genuinely surprised that I wasn't following him. That I didn't understand why he was doing it or what he needed. I wasn't following him because I felt the fear and the danger and the guilt. All the way back then I felt that. But it's not his fault that he didn't; I think it was how he was raised, there were just some emotions that he could never really connect with. Not fully. And I don't think I understood that. I don't think I understood him."

"Alright Mom, that's enough. S-stop before I throw up."

Skyler looked up at him with heartbreak in her eyes. "I'm just saying that he didn't mean for this to happen. I think he was an idiot for not foreseeing it. And I think he was insensitive for not listening to me when I told him it would. But he actually couldn't connect with it. He didn't get it."

"Because he was a sociopath," grunted Marie.

"I think if he'd had time to think about it he would've grasped a little more of it, but…"

"Oh I would've made him grasp it, I would've screamed and kicked and shoved it down his throat!"

"H-he did have time to think. He was a-alone in a cabin in New Hampshire for almost… six months. And he knew what was going on, h-he had newspaper clippings all over the walls, including clippings a-all about what was happening to you! He thought about that for… six months, and then h-he came down here, and rather than going to the DEA and t-telling them that it was all him not you, he j-just went and got himself killed! And left you to face this!"

"He gave me the GPS co-ordinates."

"Oh that was just offensive, that was," said Marie. "Just the numbers, no explanation. Throwing it to you like throwing scraps to a dog!"

"Yeah, exactly. H-he said he was giving it to you so you could make a deal, b-but I'll bet that wasn't all that was in his head, he… wanted us to find Uncle Hank b-because of his own conscience probably, well I mean if he even had one, s-so why not just go and tell the DEA himself? And set you free w-while he was at it - he could do that, s-surely he would've known that he could do that!"

"If he was arrested, he would've been killed."

"What?"

"He knew too much. Those people would've killed him. The only way he could get justice for Hank was to kill them. You can't prosecute someone like that - no-one would ever testify against them because if they ever tried, they'd be killed. And that's why it's good that I didn't know anything - if I did, they would've killed me a long time ago. Walt protected me by not telling me anything."

Flynn's heartbeat rose. He stared at her.

"Sorry. I don't mean to scare you. They're not still around now, so it's fine. But none of this was ever simple, and your father did not mean for it to go this far."

"He pu- he put us all in danger!"

"Yeah. He was an idiot. He just didn't understand."

Silence again. Skyler twisted her spoon too far and it fell on the floor. She bent over and grabbed it, looking at her shoelaces and wanting to stay down there.

"He didn't understand after we all almost got killed by Fring?" said Marie, her volume rising.

"He was too far gone by then."

"Ok Skyler, you haven't noticed this because you haven't been making eye contact with us this entire time, but Flynn and I have been completely speechless and making perplexed faces at each other trying to figure out how on earth it is possible that you could still be defending him after all that's happened! He knowingly, after we had all almost been killed by Fring, he knowingly went back in, became the kingpin because that's what he wanted because he was a conceited ass, abused you, got Hank killed, went to New Hampshire to think about it for six months and then came back and set off an automatically triggered machine gun! Ok, I see what you're saying about he couldn't connect and didn't understand - he was a freak, I am telling you; he had no consideration for others, and he did have plenty of time to think about it and, ok, so what if he got killed in jail - he was obviously fine with the idea of dying so that's no problem, but first all he had to do was walk in there and say, 'It was all me and not Skyler,' and what really happened to Hank and Steve and whatever else he could - they wouldn't be able to kill him right away! The DEA would put him right into interview and he could spit out a lot of stuff before he got killed! I mean if he was gonna die anyway - which he was, because if those guys didn't get him the cancer would - how about being a man and facing the consequences first? And how about actually taking care of his family, particularly you, but he obviously also wasn't thinking about Flynn and Holly, because if you go to prison then they get messed up as well, and for a man who claimed to be a family man that's just… That's… What the hell, I mean, 'didn't understand' doesn't cover it, that's not -"

"Didn't care," said Flynn.

"Yeah. Didn't care. Couldn't give a crap about his own family!"

Skyler picked up the spoon, pulled up her body, rested her arms on her knees and sighed. "I'm not talking about Heisenberg. I'm talking about Walt."


	39. Chapter 39

Skyler awoke from a muddled slumber the next morning to the feeling of a tiny hand stroking her hair. She relaxed, and smiled. "Good morning, darling," she said, opening her eyes.

Holly's tiny face was close to hers, and she was smiling. Skyler couldn't help but smile back. "How did you sleep?"

"Good. How about you?"

"Alright. Everything's better when I'm with you."

Holly climbed onto Skyler's chest and snuggled into her neck. "Can we stay forever?"

"Oh, that would be good. But I think we'd get bored. There's no day care or playgrounds or swimming pools or parks…"

"There's a forest."

"Yeah."

"And there's Mommy."

"Yeah. Right here right now. Nothing lasts forever, but let's remember every detail of this moment. What can you hear?"

"Are there birds?"

"Yeah. There are lots of birds in the forest."

"Wow."

"What can you feel?" Skyler rubbed Holly's back.

"Love."

Tears came to Skyler's eyes. Out of the mouths of babes, she thought. "Yeah. I can feel that too. What can you see?"

Holly opened her eyes. "Your neck." She burrowed closer in and blew a raspberry.

Skyler flinched. "Oh! You can see raspberries, can you?"

Holly giggled. "Yeah."

Skyler moved her hand up Holly's back. "I'm gonna find something else, I think it might be something you can feel..." Her fingers darted into Holly's armpit and tickled her.

Holly squealed.

"Oh, what was that I just heard?" Skyler tickled her again and Holly squealed again.

"There it goes again! What was that?"

Holly giggled.

"I think this requires further investigation." Skyler flipped Holly over and leant over her, stroking her hair. "Hmmm. Was this the beautiful creature that made that funny noise?"

Holly giggled again, and then laughed harder when she was tickled again.

"I think there's another noise I can find if I look very carefully, hmm let's see." She ran her fingers over Holly's tummy, and Holly giggled again.

"No, that's not the noise I'm looking for." She lifted Holly's pyjama top and made a show of looking beneath it. "Oh! Here it is." She leant forward and blew a very long raspberry on Holly's stomach.

Holly screamed.

"Ah, you broke my ears, now I can't hear anything!" She tickled Holly's armpits again, and Holly giggled loudly.

"I can't hear anything!" Skyler laughed.

Marie, sitting on the sofa in the living room, listened to the laughter, a cup of coffee going cold in her hands.

...

"Do you ever think about how different our lives would be if certain things had never happened?"

"100% of the time. Yeah."

"Like if I'd never met Hank or you'd never met Walt, or we lived somewhere else… or one of us lived here and the other one didn't, or…"

That wasn't what Skyler had thought Marie meant. She didn't think about that. She just thought about all the decisions she wished she'd made differently. That, and what would have happened if Walt had never got cancer. If that were the case right now, her life would be perfect. But she couldn't even imagine it.

"Life is so weird, it's so random." Marie looked up at the stars.

"We should get back."

"No."

"No?"

"They're fine. Flynn has the TV and his phone _and _his fancy new laptop. And Holly's asleep."

"Do you think he's alright?"

"I do, but you got him a therapist appointment, didn't you?"

"Yeah. It's on Friday. Make sure he goes, won't you?"

"Absolutely."

"And you're not mad at him?"

"No. Kids will be kids."

"He always reacts like that when he doesn't understand. He lashes out. He's outspoken, always has been."

"Yep."

"It doesn't mean he means anything by it."

"I know."

"Good." Skyler adjusted her position on the log she was sitting on and lit a cigarette.

"Oh, you're polluting this beautiful forest."

"Sorry."

"Come over here. You can see the stars better."

"Isn't the ground cold?"

"Yeah. But if you look up just here you can see through the gap in the trees and you can see all the stars."

Skyler walked over to where Marie was lying in the middle of the clearing. Holding her cigarette in her mouth and grunting, she threw her tired body onto the ground next to her and looked up, breathing out a long trail of smoke. When it cleared, she saw the stars, and they took her breath away. She wondered if she'd be able to see stars at all for the next five years, or ever again.

"Were there any times," said Marie slowly, "when you wanted to tell me?"

Skyler breathed in, still looking desperately up. "Yeah," she said.

"When?"

"Swimming pool night."

"Not before?"

"No. Before that it was better for you if you didn't know. And it still was then, but... as you noticed, I was getting pretty desperate by that point."

"When you need help, you should ask."

"I was scared of what you'd say. And do."

"I wonder what I would've done if you'd told me then."

"Take the kids like I asked, I hope."

"I'd wanna take you too. My biggest regret is that I left you there with him."

"You're a beautiful person, Marie. Thank you so much for your concern. But you did not do that."

"What were you thinking when Hank and I knew but you were still with Walt?"

"I couldn't think then. I was a deer frozen in the headlights."

"What would you have done if I'd gone over there one more time? Without Hank. And without Walt, because if he was there I just would've yelled at him. If I'd gone over there and asked you to come with me."

Skyler breathed in and out.

"Would you have come? Just to my house, not to the police station or anything. Just you and Flynn and Holly to my house."

"I don't know. What would you have said?"

"Are you afraid?"

"Yes."

"Then let me help you."

"Weren't you angry with me?"

"Yeah. I don't think I could've done that after the blackmail. But before it, yeah. I was thinking about it. But I decided to approach Flynn first, because I thought he could convince you. And I thought he could do it in a calmer manner than me, and not slap you in the face in the middle of it."

"Is that why you called him?"

"Yeah. He had to know anyway, and I had to get him out of there as well, but then I thought he could help me get you."

"Damn. That probably would've worked."

"If fucking Walt the Manipulator King hadn't swooped in there."

Skyler stubbed her cigarette out on a rock and put the butt in her pocket. They were silent for a couple of minutes.

"Is it true about you and Ted Beneke?"

"Is what true?"

"That you had an affair with him."

"Yeah. I thought you knew that."

"I thought it was one of Walt's lies."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was just pretty confused and messed up and… I screwed his life over as well as everyone else's. So there wasn't anything to tell, because… I didn't know what I was doing or anything about it."

"Is that why you were cooking his books?"

"No, this was after that. And I wasn't cooking his books - he cooked his own books. I just didn't turn him in."

"What do you mean you didn't know what you were doing?"

"I just wanted to escape. Have a different reality for a little while in the afternoons."

"Did it help?"

"Not in the long-term."

"Did you tell him anything?"

"No."

"How did Walt find out?"

"I told him."

"What?"

"I wanted him to get out of the house, and I… I think I wanted to hurt him."

"What did you say?"

"'I fucked Ted.'"

Marie's eyebrows rose and she turned her head towards Skyler. "What, you just looked Walt in the eye and said, 'I fucked Ted?'"

"Yeah."

Marie laughed. "Awesome! What did he say?"

"Nothing, Louis was around for dinner and I just went right over to the dinner table at that point."

Marie laughed again. "Deadpan. Classy."

"I was pretty angry with him, and that was the only thing I could control." Skyler sighed. "I think that's why I did it."

Marie's face fell. "Did he punish you?"

"No. He yelled a bit and I yelled right back. And then eventually he went to live in the condo, which was good."

"Is that why he did that?"

"I don't know."

"Huh. How did it happen, then?"

"How did what happen?"

"With Ted, you know. How did it start?"

"I just kissed him in the break room one day."

"What?" Marie grinned. "At work?"

"Yeah."

"Did you fuck him at work?"

"No. His house."

"Oh. He any good?"

"Yeah."

"Oh really?"

"Just how much detail do you want, Marie?"

"Compared to Walt."

"WHAT?"

"Well, you know."

"No no no no. That's, no, it's apples and oranges, no."

"Ted's pretty hot."

"Marie!"

"You must have an opinion on it."

"No I don't, it's apples and oranges!"

"You break up with Walt and five minutes later you're fucking him."

"No, it was not five minutes later; I was pretty heartbroken about that, actually. My entire life had just been blown up, and then Walt came back to the house and he wouldn't leave, and he wouldn't take the money away; he wouldn't stop any of it, and I just got angry and I made a stupid decision."

"Ok. How long did this stupid decision last?"

"About a month, I guess. Bit over."

"Oh. Not very long."

"No, then Hank got shot and I was forced to rethink my priorities. At which point as you know, I made a much stupider decision."

"Ah. One that resulted in a lot less sex."

Skyler snorted. "Yeah."

"For both of us, because now we're both widows and we don't get to have any sex, and actually I think we need to stop this conversation now because Ted is really hot, and this conversation is turning me on, and there's nothing I can do with that, so…"

Skyler laughed again. "Yeah. Yeah, that really sucks."

"I hear ya."

Skyler continued to laugh. "Marie! Too much information!"

"You're not normally this open with me."

"Well, I said I would do anything you want. That includes answering very personal questions."

"Alright. Ben Lomax, 4th of July 1988. Did you or didn't you?"

"Marie!"

"You said you'll answer personal questions!"

"You said you wanted to stop talking about sex!"

"Well that depends on if the answer to the question is yes or no. If the answer is no, then we're not talking about sex. But if it's yes…"

Skyler looked up at the stars, her body convulsing with laughter. She'd forgotten how this felt. It was perfect.

"Is it yes?"

"I don't kiss and tell!"

"Oh, says the woman who just told me Ted Beneke is a good fuck."

"You're a damn gossip, Marie, where is this gonna go now?"

"I don't know anyone who knows Ben Lomax anymore! Come on! You were gone for like four hours and Dad was so mad at you!"

"Well I wasn't gonna tell him."

"No! I should hope not! You can tell me, though."

"You were 16 then, I wasn't gonna tell you either!"

"You think I was innocent when I was 16?"

"You were a virgin then, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but I'd been to second base - I wasn't innocent!"

"Ah. I see."

"See, I don't tell you everything either."

"Apparently not."

"Now stop changing the subject."

"You're the one who wanted to change the subject and stop talking about sex!"

"Yes or no?" Marie turn her face inward and stared unblinkingly at Skyler.

Skyler giggled. "Yes."

"Ahhhhh! I knew it!"

Skyler continued laughing, her heart leaping for joy.

"He was hot too. I'm jealous."

"Yeah, well, you're only young once."

"Oh thanks, don't rub that in! You know how freaked I am about turning 40."

"How do you think I feel?"

"So where was it, was it in the boatshed, because -"

"Yes, yes, it was in the boatshed - all of your suspicions are realised."

"Oh my god. This is gold."

Skyler laughed. "You're funny."

"Yeah."

Their laughter faded as they looked up at the night sky. "I miss this," said Marie.

"Me too."

"I'm really angry about what happened to us, and sometimes I don't know who to blame and I lash out at whoever's there. Even though blame only hurts the blamer."

"Well it's all very well to say that, but the reality is often we really need someone to blame. You don't wanna think your life turned to shit because of a random accident. Although if you were gonna do that, Walt's cancer would be it."

"Yeah? You think it was just because of that?"

"Yeah. The problem with someone who's dying is they don't have any fear."

"Hmm. Check out before the consequences hit."

"Yep."

"Selfish asshole."

"Stupid asshole. Since there were five other people around him who didn't need to check out."

"Mmm."

"He literally did not foresee consequences for anybody else. So _ignorant_, stupid and yes, yes, selfish, absolutely. Can you see this, Walt?" Skyler yelled. "Can you see these consequences? He was an atheist, so I hope he can see this, because then there'd be something else he was wrong about."

"Yeah."

"I am hanging on for dear life."

Marie took Skyler's hand. "I've got you."

Skyler turned to look at her sister, her eyes searching. Marie met them and squeezed her hand. Skyler wanted to say something but all that came out was a tortured cough. She turned back to the night sky and looked up at it, tears falling down the side of her face. Marie watched.

"Thank you," Skyler whispered.

"You're welcome. Before, it was um… I didn't make a decision to forgive you before, it was kind of a fake it 'till you make it thing. And it was out of necessity because you were getting kicked out of your house and everything was horrible - the DEA and the money and everything else. You needed my help and I wanted to help, so... I put it to one side because there were more pressing problems. And those problems actually helped me because they were practical problems, and I desperately needed something to do, something to occupy myself. So it was actually really helpful to me, to be able to do all that stuff with Ramey and house hunting for you and all that kind of thing. I needed that; it helped. And then one day when it was all over I turned around and realised I didn't blame you anymore. I'm not sure when that happened but it was good, I did want it to happen, I'd been trying to make it happen but in the end it was just… the anger slid away. And it was definitely helped along by the fact that you are so clearly a victim. But sometimes the anger comes back again, and particularly with this latest thing you've told me, it um… it just comes back - not all the time but I hate it, I want it to go away again. But somehow it's more complicated this time."

"Yeah."

"It hurts and I really hate it."

"I'm so sorry. It ah...yeah, I hate it too. F-for me, it never goes away. There's never a moment that it's not there. Every breath I take, every place I go, when I'm asleep, when I'm awake - all the time, it never stops. And every time I close my eyes, I see him."

"God, you must have been so afraid of him."

"No, not Walt. Hank."

Marie's head turned again, her eyes boring a hole into Skyler's temple as she looked expressionlessly up into to the dark.

"I can't blame you if you say that."

"No, do, please do. I need you to."

"Even though I told you it hurts me more if I do?"

"Then don't."

"You always sacrifice your needs for the rest of us."

"No I don't, I'm not selfless - I'm not achieving anything for anyone. I'm just trying to keep my head above water."

"You do. You achieve a lot for us. I know it really took it out of you last night arguing with Flynn, but you sorted it out for us. You didn't care about the impact on yourself. And I liked what he said. How you fell on your sword to save the rest of us. That makes sense, I like it. Helps me understand his perspective too."

"I didn't save anybody."

"No, you made several very stupid decisions in the mistaken belief that they would protect us. Your intention has got to be, ah... credited. Along with your suffering. Fell on your sword was a good way of putting it, I thought."

"Well at the moment he's acting like Holly. Complete opposite to what he was doing a month ago. Well not opposite, he was still being very kind to me then but he was out doing his own thing most of the time - his life was much more balanced. And I'm sure he'll go back to that, but at the moment he's saying some sentimental things that are not necessarily -"

"He meant it. And it makes sense. Simplistic, sure, but... What do you mean he's acting like Holly?"

"Holding on to me for dear life. Looking at me like I'm gonna fade away at any moment."

"You're not."

"Yes I am. I'm fading away right now. I won't mind if I can just go up into those stars."

"Hey, no you're not." Marie sat up and leaned on her elbows, grabbing Skyler by the shoulders and shaking her. "No you're not. Don't you dare."

"I'm not talking about killing myself. I'm just saying that my life is over."

"They might find you innocent."

"They won't."

"They might. Kim said the longer they take the better it'll be."

"No, she didn't. She said it just means they're disagreeing."

"Which means they're less likely to find you guilty, because it means a majority of them aren't saying that."

"They've got three options - it's not hard to split them."

"They're giving all three of them a lot of thought."

"Yeah. But I don't think they're as forgiving as you."

"But even if you do go to prison for a few years, that doesn't mean your life is over! You can still do some things in there, and then you come back out and you have a normal life again, you can rebuild it - we'll be there to help you. You're only 42; you've got at least 40 years' worth of life left in you! You're only half-way through!"

"What if I get lung cancer at 50?"

"Oh, shut up."

"Or if I do kill myself, or…"

"Don't."

"If that happens, it won't be something I can control."

Marie grabbed Skyler's hand and held it up in both of hers. "Hang on. Just hang on. We've got you."


	40. Chapter 40

"SNAP!" Holly yelled.

"Shhh shh shhh, Aunt Marie's still in bed."

"Snap!" Holly whispered.

"I think you might win this."

"No, I might not!"

"Well you might not, but you are very very good at this game." Skyler helped Holly pick up and straighten the enormous pile she had just snapped.

"Are you trying, Mommy?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Of course I am!"

"You're not very good!"

Skyler rolled her eyes. "Oh, way to insult me!"

"Finn is way better at it than you."

"I'm just a bit distracted, darling, but I will try harder."

"Ok. I'll go slower for you."

Marie emerged from her bedroom, walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

Skyler looked around. "Sorry, did we wake you?"

"No, no. Good morning."

"Are you sure? This one's been yelling, 'Snap!' really loudly."

"Mommy, come on! Let's play!"

"Hey you, Aunt Marie has just got up and she said something to us. What do we say to her?"

"You didn't say that!"

"I haven't said it yet, but I've been talking to her, and you've been ignoring her, which is quite rude."

"Good morning, Aunt Marie!" Holly projected.

"Oh, sounds like I'm a school teacher! Good morning, Holly."

"Now you say it." Holly pointed at Skyler.

"Good morning." Skyler and her sister smiled at each other.

"Come on Mommy, do the cards!"

"Alright."

Marie poured herself a cup of coffee and looked out the window. "Huh," she said. "Did Flynn move his car?"

"What?" said Skyler.

"Mommy, don't get distracted!" instructed Holly.

Marie opened the front door and stepped out. Flynn's car wasn't there.

"He's at the store, Marie!" Skyler called.

Marie walked back into the cabin, her mouth open in shock. "Flynn got up and left the building _before_ 9 o'clock in the morning?"

"I know, right?" Skyler smiled. "He said he wanted to get some special things for the picnic."

"Special things?" said Holly.

"Snap!" said Skyler.

Holly's mouth fell open. "Oh."

"See, I was paying attention!"

"What special things?"

"I don't know, he said it was a surprise."

"Are some of the special things for me?"

"I think they're for all of us. Nice food for us to share on our picnic."

"Oh yay, we can share the special things!"

"Yeah." Skyler smiled. Marie watched her, thinking she hadn't seen her smile so much in a long time.

"Where's the picnic?"

"Oh, we'll just see where we want to go."

"That clearing would be good for a picnic," said Marie.

"It would."

"Can we go to the place we went to yesterday?" asked Holly. "With the voo?"

"The view? That place was a bit windy for a picnic - we can go back there if you want, though."

"That place was cool, I've never seen a voo before. I liked it."

"So did I, it was pretty amazing."

"You've seen a view, Holly!" said Marie. "From my house!"

"From your house?"

"Yeah, when you look out the back."

"Is that a v-vu-veeyuu?"

"Ooh, good job," said Skyler.

"Yeah that's a great view, you can see the whole city and the desert around, and on the other side you can see -"

"That's not as good," said Holly.

"Well. It's not the same thing as we saw yesterday, but -"

"What does veeyuu mean, Mommy?"

"It's where you can see a long way and see a lot of things that are far away."

"Usually from high up," Marie added.

"Yeah, Aunt Marie lives on hill, so she has a view too. But now we're on a mountain, so the view is bigger. Further and wider and more things in it."

"We can't see the va-yu from here, though."

"No, because we're in a forest."

"We have to go to the veeyuu place."

"Yep. Do you wanna go there later?"

"Yeah for the picnic!"

"Well the view place was very windy, so it'd be hard to eat a picnic there because the wind might blow our food away. But what we could do is we could have our picnic near there and then we could go to the view place afterwards."

"FINN'S HERE!" Holly jumped up and ran to the door, where she began awkwardly trying to turn the doorknob.

"Wow, she has good ears!" said Marie. Looking out the window again, she saw Flynn's car approaching about fifty yards away.

Skyler had stood up to scramble after Holly. She saw the door knob give. "HOLLY! Stop!" she yelled.

Holly turned around, still holding on to the door knob and somewhat swinging off it as the door moved inwards.

"What have we talked about with cars?"

"Cars?"

"When you're in a car, you don't open the door yourself, do you? You don't get out by yourself."

"I'm not in a car."

"I know, but your brother is. Don't ever run towards a car, because if the car is still moving, it might hit you."

Holly's face fell. "Finn wouldn't hit me."

"Not deliberately, of course not, but all cars are dangerous, Holly. If you run out of the house suddenly and Flynn doesn't see you, his car could hit you. As could any other car - even if you're coming out of a building onto the street, if you're coming out of a store or Aunt Marie's house or day care or anywhere, you don't run. You stop and look and see where the cars are, so you can keep away from them."

"But I wanna see Finn!"

"Yeah, so we wait until his car stops." Skyler crouched next to Holly and held her as they looked out the door.

"It's stopped now!" said Holly.

"Has the engine stopped? If the engine's on, the car might still move. Oh, see, look, it moved again."

"It went back a bit."

"Yeah, see, cars move around when they're parking too. And you don't know where they're gonna go, so you stay away until you hear the engine turn off. Can you hear the engine?"

Flynn's engine stopped.

"It stopped!" said Holly, looking at her mother in intense concentration.

"Ok, off you go." Skyler let go of Holly and she charged down the steps yelling, "Finn! Did you get special things?"

Skyler grunted as she stood up.

"That was a very engaging safety talk," said Marie.

"I am not used to having a kid who just charges off! Watch her, please, you have to watch her all the time - yes she does have good ears and she will hear something or see something and before you know it, she's just _launched_ herself - it terrifies me!"

"Oh yeah, we never had to deal with that before, did we?"

"No!" Skyler put her hand over her eyes. "Watch her, please, watch her all the time!"

"I will, I will." Marie nodded, and then raised a finger. "We did when they put him in a wheelchair. After he had his second operation."

"Oh! God yeah, I forgot about that."

"Hey Flynn, do you remember when you crashed into the kitchen counter?" called Marie.

"What?" said Flynn, who was attempting to extricate bags from the trunk of his car whilst trying not to trip over the bouncing child who kept saying, "Special things!" over and over. Skyler rushed over to help him.

Marie strolled casually behind her. "Do you remember when you crashed your wheelchair into the counter at my house?"

Flynn laughed. "Yeah. Ouch." He grabbed something out of the back seat. It was a stout white box in a plastic bag with cooler bags around it. The bag said, 'Gene's Patisserie'.

"Your mother arrived to find this sobbing kid who was even more injured than he was before!"

Skyler raised her arms as much as she could when they were laden with shopping bags and pointed at Holly's head. "Hey! I'm trying to teach this kid not to charge into things!"

"Yeah I know, it's a good lesson! Flynn got injured charging into things!"

"Yeah, but -"

"Uncle Hank was so apologetic!" chuckled Flynn, hooking the plastic bag onto the hand hold of one of his crutches and moving towards the house. Skyler followed with the other bags. Holly ran up the steps ahead of them both and into the kitchen.

"What do you mean he was apologetic?" said Marie. "Why?"

"Because it was his fault!"

"What?"

Flynn laughed. "H-he did a good job hiding it from you."

"What are you talking about? Skyler, did you know about this?"

Skyler, who was putting the bags down on the kitchen counter, was distracted by Holly asking, "What are the special things?"

"Well it looks like there's some cheese and some pepperoni, and… oh, some of those little cherry tomatoes you like…"

"Is there candy?"

"I don't know, maybe. Let's keep looking."

"What do you mean it was Hank's fault?"

"You like marshmallows, r-right Holly?" said Flynn.

Holly made an enormous gasp. Flynn discreetly pointed at one of the bags, and Skyler reached inside and pulled out a bag of marshmallows. "Tadaa!" she said.

"WOW!"

"Now, what do you say?"

"Please!"

"Yes, and what do you say to Flynn?"

"Thank you, Finn! Thank you, Finn!" Holly jumped up and down.

"Flynn, what are you talking about?" said Marie.

"I wouldn't tell you this if he was s-still alive, because you would get him in…so much trouble. A-and actually he paid me not to tell you because of that." Flynn giggled. "But he was…pushing me along the hallway several times. Including before that, l-like the…two times before that th-that I went to your house, he was…pushing me around the house really fast…a lot. And it was so much fun."

"He _pushed_ you into the counter?"

"N-no, then I said I wanted to go by myself, without him…pushing me, and he was k-kind of, you know, taking care of me, l-like he said we couldn't do it in the living room or anything, it had to be…in the hallway because there was no furniture. But u-unfortunately I didn't aim my steering very well, and I c-clipped the wall at the end of the hallway, which changed my direction, a-and I kind of overbalanced a bit, and then I…crashed into the counter."

Marie's jaw dropped. Skyler had stopped unpacking groceries and was staring too. Holly, her mouth plugged up with a sticky marshmallow that was smeared all over her lips, looked innocently up at all the adults wondering why they had stopped talking.

"Did you know about this?" said Marie to Skyler.

Skyler shook her head. "Did you say that he paid you not to tell?"

"Yeah. 10 bucks."

"Oh my god," said Marie, leaning back against the door and looking at the ceiling. "10 bucks?" she said, looking back at Flynn. "Cheapskate!"

"I know, I sh-should have fleeced him for a lot more, shouldn't I?"

"I hope he at least took care of you after!"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah, he did," said Skyler. "He called me right away - was it right away?" she asked Flynn. "He didn't try and pep talk you first, did he?"

"No, I was blubbering and screaming 'Mommy!', h-he definitely called you right away."

"Good. Well I went right back there, and I was really impressed - Hank had him on the sofa surrounded by pillows with multiple ice packs going along both his legs and a huge bowl of ice cream with - was it Maltesers?"

"N-no, crushed up Oreos."

"Oh right, that was your Oreos phase."

"I did not have an Oreos phase, I have…always liked Oreos, y-you just never got them for me! Now I can get my…own Oreos - there's some in that bag."

"I remember you saying that you were really touched by what good care Hank was taking of Flynn," said Marie. "And I was really touched by it too, I was really impressed by it, and now I find out it was just his guilty conscience!"

"No, he-he would've looked after me either way."

"He said that the two of you were just walking through to the kitchen when you took off without any encouragement or input from him."

Flynn snorted. "No."

"Oh my god!"

"Actually h-he was in front of me. He was…already in the kitchen and he was meant to be, like, s-stopping me at the end of the hallway. So h-he was right there and he…picked me up and righted the chair and everything r-really quickly. And he did take very good care of me."

"He better have," said Marie. "He _paid_ you?"

"I d-definitely should have asked for more," said Flynn.

"An officer of the law giving a bribe to an eight-year-old child."

"I was nine."

"To a nine-year-old child."

"You're pretty mad, huh?"

"I am… flabbergasted."

Flynn giggled. "Th-that's a good word."

Marie turned to Skyler. "What about you? You're not saying anything! Aren't you concerned that your brother-in-law threw your son into a kitchen counter and then paid him not to tell!"

"Well, it doesn't sound like he threw him. If I know Flynn, I'll bet he was hassling and hassling and hassling Hank to let him do that. The good thing about that particular incident was that it meant you were once bitten twice shy, and you stopped trying to roll away from me all the time!"

"Oh, so you think Hank did you a favour?"

"I think this kid would not have let up. He would've said, 'Come on Uncle Hank, come on, come on, come on, let me do it, come on, come on, come on,' and Hank didn't have the resistance powers that I have."

Flynn laughed out loud. "I-is that what you were doing for my entire childhood? R-resisting me?"

"Yeah. It was hard. But I did it." Skyler winked.


	41. Chapter 41

The call came at five o'clock the next day. When she reflected back on it later, Skyler would try to tell herself that actually they were incredibly lucky to manage four nights and five days at the cabin, including two days, the weekend, when she didn't have to fear the arrival of a phone call at any moment. Despite the arguments at the start, to her, they were four nights and five days of heaven. Four nights and five days of relief. Four nights and five days of remembering what laughing and having a normal heart rate felt like.

But despite all that, when the phone call came, four nights and five days was not nearly enough.

The one good thing about Marie having lost her job was that she didn't have to leave on Monday, and Flynn had decided to skip class, so at 5 p.m. on Monday evening the entire family was still there having a hilarious time playing pre-school level Pictionary (that meant simply that no-one was allowed to draw anything that Holly couldn't identify, which, somewhat surprisingly, made the game more challenging and amusing).

"How can you not see that that was clouds?" Flynn was demanding of Marie.

"I thought it looked like sheep!"

"Sheep? W-where are their legs?"

"There!"

"That's lightning!"

Skyler heard her phone ringing, and stood up to get it.

"Mom, does that look like lightning to you?"

"Yeah."

"See!"

"But Mommy's not your partner," said Holly.

"Yeah, so we get the points and you don't." Skyler pointed a finger triumphantly at Flynn and Marie as she left to find her phone. It was plugged into the charger in the kitchen. It had stopped ringing by the time she got to it.

"I can see it's lightning _now_!" said Marie in consternation.

Skyler's heart rate rose when she looked at her phone screen and saw, '1 missed call - Kim Wexler'. Her brain felt foggy, like she had forgotten that there was this other problem her life was embroiled in down in Albuquerque. She had trouble focusing her eyes as she unlocked the screen and hovered her finger over the call back button. She's just calling to give me an update, she told herself. Only an update. She took a deep breath and dialled.

"Hi, Skyler," said Kim hesitantly.

"Hi, you called me?"

"Yeah. Are you still with your family?"

"Yeah, we're still in the cabin."

"Ok. Well, I'm afraid it's over. The jury has a verdict."

Skyler could say nothing in reply as her heart threatened to burst her eardrums with banging.

"It's too late in the day to announce it now, so they're doing it tomorrow morning. Need you in court at 9."

Due to Marie and Flynn's argument about clouds and sheep, the only person who saw the look on Skyler's face was Holly. "Mommy?" she said anxiously, standing up and walking towards her.

"Skyler?" said Kim. "You still there?"

Skyler met Holly's eyes and quickly composed her features. "Yeah. Yep, understood."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, ah, yeah - I'm with the right people here, so. We've been having a wonderful time, thank you so much for the suggestion."

The banging in Skyler's ears became louder as she realised that Flynn and Marie had gone deathly quiet.

"You're welcome. That's good. Well, I'll see you at 9 tomorrow - it won't take long. If it's a guilty verdict, you won't be permitted to take anything with you, so anything you would rather not be kept in a sealed locker for however long you should give to your family beforehand."

"Ok." Skyler closed her eyes as Holly came into the kitchen, and turned towards the wall.

"If it is a guilty verdict, there… won't be time for goodbyes. They'll take you straight away. I'm sorry, I don't know how to say that other than matter-of-factually. It is better to be…warned about it in advance, so."

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Any questions?"

"No."

"Call me if you think of any."

"Sure. Thanks."

"Skyler, you're one of the strongest people I've ever met. No matter where it goes tomorrow, you have the metal to hang on, to get through it and to be alright. You can do it, I know you can."

Skyler's voice broke. "Thanks." Holly touched the side of her leg and it was all she could do to stay standing and breathing.

Marie came into the kitchen, bending her neck to try and see Skyler's hidden face.

"See you tomorrow," said Kim.

"Bye."

Kim hung up the phone, and Skyler kept holding hers to her ear, frozen like a moth in amber. Flynn stood in the living room, also frozen. Marie put a hand on her shoulder. "It's happening?"

"Yeah." Skyler's voice was rough, raspy.

"It's too late for today, isn't it?"

"Tomorrow morning 9 o'clock."

Marie nodded and breathed in. "Good that we get tonight to prepare, then." She looked back at Flynn. He met her eyes, but didn't move.

Holly was still standing by her mother's leg, her tiny hand pulling on first her pants and then her shirt with growing strength, and for the first time ever, Skyler's hand didn't come down and stroke her hair. Instead, the hand still held the phone to her ear. After a few long and empty moments, the hand brought the phone down and placed it on the counter, which it gripped the edge of, the fingertips going white

"Ok," said Marie practically. "Do you wanna go there from here in the morning, or should we go back now? It's not that far away but I guess you wouldn't really wanna risk being late, plus there's traffic that time of the morning, and… but we could leave really early if you wanna do it that way."

"Then how would you get my car back?"

"Oh yeah."

Skyler turned around, picked Holly up and began rubbing her back. "Plus we decided before that we'll leave Holly and Flynn at your house when…" She looked at Flynn. He, like her, seemed to have been unfrozen by this practical discussion and was slowly walking towards them. "I don't wanna leave them here," she finished. "I don't want Flynn to have to drive after that. And have to get Holly into a car seat." Her hand moving on Holly's back became faster and more rigid. "After that."

"Yeah," said Marie quietly. "Go home now, then? Or after dinner? Given that we, all three of us, have to drive, I kinda prefer the idea of eating together after. Rather than eating in a rush and then going down there alone and then going to bed, I mean that wouldn't be very good. Do you think?" Marie looked between Flynn and Skyler. "Am I talking too much?" Flynn nodded slowly, and she looked at him.

"S-sorry no, I'm not nodding because you're… talking too much, I'm n-nodding because I agree with… what you said."

"Yeah," said Skyler.

"Ok. Pack up now, then?"

"Yeah."

The three of them packed in complete silence. Marie started on the kitchen, and Flynn did the board games in the living room. They belonged there at the cabin, but he packed them up neatly and put them away. Skyler took Holly into the bedroom, put her down on the bed, put her suitcase on it and filled it quickly. Not even Holly said anything.

Marie washed the dishes and then packed all their food. Flynn went into his bedroom to pack his things. Skyler passed him in the hallway and went into the bathroom to get hers and Holly's toiletries. Marie went into her bedroom. Skyler pulled her suitcase into the living room. Holly followed slowly behind her, dragging a teddy bear along the floor. Flynn went into the bathroom to get his toiletries. Skyler looked all around the kitchen and living room, wiped all the counters and dried and put away the dishes Marie had washed. Flynn came into the living room, a large backpack on his back. Marie cleaned the bathroom. Skyler took her suitcase to the front door and opened it. And then Holly screamed, "No!"

Skyler turned, and Holly ran forward and grabbed hold of the suitcase. "No, no!" she yelled. "Let's stay here!" She tried to pull the suitcase out of Skyler's hands. "Mommy, come back! We stay here!"

Marie came out of the bathroom and rushed along the hallway. Skyler froze.

Flynn stepped forward. "We can't, Holly."

"No no no no no!" Holly screamed, becoming more distressed by the second. "We stay here, Mommy! Mommy stay here!"

Marie rushed forward and knelt down next to the child, taking hold of her arms and pulling them away from the suitcase, which slipped out of Skyler's shaking hands and fell over on the floor. Having the suitcase pulled away from her made Holly's arms begin to pedal, each in turn hitting and grabbing at the corner of the suitcase she could still reach. It shuddered and wobbbled as she continued trying to pull it back. "Holly!" said Marie.

"We stay here, Aunt Marie!" said the child breathlessly. "We stay here and Mommy can stay here with us and then they won't take her away!"

"It doesn't work like that, sweetheart."

"We just have to stay here!"

The front door banged shut as Skyler collapsed against it. Flynn looked at her. Her eyes were fixated on Holly but she didn't seem able to say anything. Her hands were twisting around and around and her fingers were rubbing together. He stepped towards her.

"We can't stay here, Holly," said Marie.

"Yes we can! We just stay here and then Mommy doesn't have to go!"

Marie's voice began to break. "They would come and get her. They would come here and get her and then they would keep her for longer."

"No no no no!" It was squealing now, squealing and tears.

Flynn saw a tremor shoot through his mother's body and he rushed to her side and put his arms around her. She didn't lean into them. She stood completely rigid, her body making syncopated shudders as Holly continued to squeal.

Marie's voice grew louder. "They would come and get her and take her away and then keep her for longer!" Marie was trying to hug the child, but all she could do was steady her as her legs began pedalling as much as her arms. She screamed and kicked and her arms continued grabbing at the suitcase and at Skyler's legs. "I'm sorry, darling, it's horrible, but this is the best thing we can do. She needs to go in there and -"

"Marie, stop!" Skyler gasped.

Holly let out a harrowing wail, followed by several high-pitched gasping sobs.

Skyler's eyes snapped shut, her face furrowed and her body shrank as if someone had punched her in the stomach. "Stop," she gasped, "You can't reason with her, y-you -"

"Mom, come with me," said Flynn, pulling her towards the bedrooms.

"No," she gasped, her hands reaching for Holly but her fingers involuntarily curling away before they could touch her.

"Mom, y-you can't help her when you're like this."

Skyler flopped towards him and allowed him to guide her through the kitchen. Holly gave a piercing squeal when she lost contact with her mother's legs, and Skyler gave one along with it. "I'm coming back!" she sobbed. "I'm coming back, Holly!"

Marie picked Holly up and attempted to pat her back. Her squeals grew even louder. Marie turned so Holly could see Skyler and Flynn. "They're just going to the bedroom, Holly; look, you can see them, they're not going far away and they're coming straight back."

Skyler and Flynn reached the hallway. Flynn's left arm was firmly across her shoulders and his right hand was slipping sweatily around his crutch handle. Skyler suddenly took off and pelted down to the bathroom. Flynn nearly fell over because he'd left his left crutch by the door. He steadied himself on the wall and followed her. The bathroom door slammed, and then he could hear the sound of retching.

Marie sat on the sofa cradling Holly, rubbing her back and trying to make soothing noises. "Mommy will be back. It's ok. Shhh shhh shh."

Flynn arrived at the bathroom door and placed his left hand on it. That palm was as sweaty as his right. He stopped. He waited.

Holly stopped wriggling and pedalling as her sounds became deep, regular sobs.

"Everything's gonna be ok," whispered Marie. "Mommy's going away for a little while, but then she'll come back and it'll be alright."

Skyler finished vomiting and sunk onto the bathroom floor. A big fluffy mat reached from above her head to halfway down her arm, and next to it were cold hard tiles. The line between the two dug into her arm just above the elbow. Her body shrank in upon itself and shook. She pulled her knees into her chest and held on.

"Mom?" said Flynn through the door.

Holly gradually calmed. Marie kept rubbing her back, stroking her hair and making soothing noises. When the sobs had subsided, she put her finger under Holly's chin and pulled it towards her. "Holly." She stroked the child's cheek with her thumb. "Listen. I need to tell you something very important. I need to ask you to do something for Mommy."

...

"Mom, c-can I come in, a-are you…"

"No!" Skyler rasped.

"Can I help? I-I wanna help."

"No." Her voice squeaked, then slid down and descended into silent sobs.

"I'm… gonna stay right here. I'm-I'm right here, Mom."

Skyler sobbed harder.

...

"Listen darling, there's nothing we can do about this; we just have to be strong and get through it."

"Will they really come here?"

"Yes, if we stay here they'll just come and get her. And they'll keep her for longer than they will if we take her back to Albuquerque and she goes in there by herself. That is the only thing Mommy can do. She doesn't want to - the last thing she wants to do is leave you, but she has to. And I don't know if you noticed, but Mommy also got very upset just now and broke down, and Flynn is now comforting her in the other room while I am comforting you here."

"I-is she crying?"

"Yes."

"I don't want M-Mommy to cry."

"I know, it's horrible, there's nothing we can do about it now, but it will be temporary. It'll just be a little while, and then she'll come back. It's, well, we don't know how long it will be, but it's not forever, it's just for a while. But listen, I need you to do something for me which is very very very important. You got really upset just now and Mommy got really upset, and that wasn't very fun, was it?"

Holly shook her head and hiccupped as more tears ran down her cheeks and snot ran out of her nose.

"Tomorrow morning, I will take Mommy to the court and you and Flynn will stay at my house. Tomorrow morning, you will have to say goodbye to Mommy for a little while. But if you did it like that just now, and if she was taken away when both of you were screaming and kicking and yelling, that would make you both so much more upset. That would make it so much harder. And you know Mommy hasn't been well recently. That would make Mommy more sick if you did that tomorrow. Do you know what I mean?"

"Is Mommy sick now?"

"Flynn's looking after her. She goes up and down a bit - sometimes she gets better and she seems ok, but then she can fall down again quite easily, and one of the things that does that to her is if you get really upset, because she doesn't want you to be upset because she loves you so much. So if you are upset, and if you scream and carry on like you did just now, she will be even more upset than you are, and that can make her sick. So this is what I'm gonna ask you to do. Tomorrow morning, Holly, you need to be very brave. You can still cry - I think we'll all be crying - but please don't scream and yell and kick like you were doing just now. It'll make Mommy sick. Please don't do that."

"I don't w-want her to go."

"I know. I know. I'm so sorry, it's so hard. But there's nothing we can do about it. What we can do is try and have a nice night together tonight as much as we can - we'll go back to my house and have dinner and maybe play another game. It's Mommy's last night with us, so we should try and make it fun. Make it a good night if we can. And then tomorrow morning, we will hug her very very tightly and kiss her and tell her how much we love her and how much we're gonna miss her, and it is ok to cry, you can definitely cry, but it's a lot less painful if you don't scream and kick and yell. It is less hard and less horrible and less painful if you stay calm and just hug her and tell her that you love her. Ok?"

...

Suddenly, Skyler was calm. She stood up, flushed the toilet and straightened the mat. She rinsed out her mouth, washed her hands and face and patted them dry. Then she opened the door. "My darling," she said, and took Flynn into her arms. He resisted at first because he was trying to read her face, but she pulled his head onto her shoulder and began to stroke his hair.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"How can I not, y-you -"

"Just don't, just don't. I'm ok. And this hug is making me more ok, thank you darling."

Flynn sighed and squeezed her.

"Hey, Flynn?" called Marie from the living room. "How you doing?"

"Alright."

Skyler left him abruptly and rushed back to the living room. She found Marie walking across it with Holly in her arms. "Mommy!" yelped Holly, and held out her arms to Skyler, who couldn't grab hold of her fast enough. She held her close, rubbing her back and kissing her hair, and rocking her whole body back and forth like parents do with newborns. "I'm sorry I went away. I came back, see! I told you I'd come back."

Marie met her eyes behind Holly's back, and raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"I'm fine," said Skyler, her heart hammering.

Flynn appeared at the end of the hallway, still leaning on the wall.

Skyler moved quickly towards him. Marie tried to meet his eyes as well, but Flynn could look only at his mother.

"Sorry, I ran away on you too. Twice." She hugged him close. "And then I came back."

She couldn't feel anything. Her own voice rang around inside her head, over and over. _"I'd rather have them think I'm Bonnie Whatsername than some complete idiot."_ Skyler stroked her son's hair as his father's voice came to her now, _"You should just take this money that I give you and not look too closely at it."_ It was my fault, she thought. Not his fault. Mine.

Skyler gritted her teeth and with gargantuan effort pulled her consciousness back to the present, and to the two precious people in her arms. She stroked Flynn's face. "Listen, both of you, you mean the world to me; you are the reason I fight, you're the reason I get up in the morning, you're the reason I do anything at all. I love you so much I can't even describe how enormous it is; my heart skips a beat every time I look at you, and it swells with a pride so strong it threatens to burst out of my chest, because you are both such wonderful people; you are so strong and kind and smart, and you don't need me for that at all, you just do it all on your own because you are such strong and capable people. I swear, so much pride my heart threatens to burst out of my chest every time I look at you."

She held Flynn's eye for a moment, and he put his hand on her shoulder. "W-we don't need a goodbye speech, Mom," he said.

"No it's not, I'm not saying goodbye to you because I'm never going to leave you - that's what I'm trying to say, I'm…" She breathed deeply and swallowed twice. "I would never voluntarily leave you. Holly, do you know what voluntarily means? It means a choice. If I had a choice, I would never leave your side. Never. But I don't have a choice now."

Flynn nodded and watched the tears pool in his mother's eyes.

"I don't have a choice - if I had a choice I would _never_ leave you. I would do anything for you, you're my reason for living, and I am so sorry. I'm so sorry." Her voice finally broke and she swallowed a few more times.

"It's ok, Mom. W-we know. We know you don't have a choice and it's… not your fault. And w-we know all the other stuff too, because you're the best mom ever. I-I've always known that I can… rely on you, y-you're-you're amazing, and Holly, you know that too… don't you, th-that you can rely on Mom for anything - sh-she'll always be there for you, and -"

"Mommy's like a superhero," said Holly, nestling into Skyler's shoulder. Skyler choked out a giggle and smiled.

Flynn smiled too. "Kids s-say the truth, right? You're my hero, Mom, you - w-what you've done to keep us together and… keep us going is incredible. Th-there were times when you didn't even have enough money to feed yourself, but… y-you would feed us."

"I would do anything for you. So if you ever need anything, just ask, ok? Please. I can't be there for you in the standard way now, but I am here and I am yours." She hugged him again. "Every single piece of me is yours."

The tiny family closed their eyes and held each other. Marie watched them for a while, then looked around the cabin to see if anything was amiss. She picked up Skyler's suitcase and righted it. She picked up her own suitcase and a couple of the food bags and carried them to her car. When she returned, she saw Flynn's crutch lying on the floor near the doorway and she picked it up and took it over to him. He didn't react. She picked up the other food bags and Skyler's suitcase and retreated to her car.

"You know what else?" Skyler mumbled contentedly into Flynn's shoulder. "You two make me feel so good. Everything is better when I'm with you. You make everything better."

"M-Mom, I know you were…lying before when you said you were fine. P-please don't lie to me. Are you ok?"

Skyler stroked his cheek. "You make everything better." She gave a half smile and looked around. "Where's Marie?"

"M-Mom, I…" Flynn sighed. "I don't know."

Skyler saw the open door and walked towards it, moving Holly to her opposite hip, the arm that had been supporting her crying out with a pain she simultaneously repressed and embraced, because it made her emotional pain recede. Looking through the door, she saw her sister sitting in her car with the door open, playing on her phone. "Marie?" she called.

Marie looked up. "Hey!" she leaned out of the car. "Are you guys nearly ready? I was thinking I'll go back first and start making us dinner."

"Oh. Thanks."

"I've got all the food and your suitcase and mine. Are you alright to drive?"

"Yeah."

"Can you sit next to me in the car, Mommy?" mumbled Holly.

"Well unfortunately all three of us grown-ups came up in different cars, which means we all have to drive, including me. Which means I have to be in the front seat." Skyler saw the look in the child's eyes and reconsidered. "Are you sleepy? You look a bit sleepy, and you like sleeping in the car, don't you?" Holly nodded. "How about I keep holding you until you fall asleep. And then I'll put you into your car seat and drive you down the mountain and when you wake up, we'll be at Aunt Marie's house."

Holly nodded, and flopped her head onto Skyler's shoulder, her arms splaying across her chest. Skyler rubbed her back and stroked her hair.

Flynn stepped out of the cabin and closed the door. His backpack was on his back and he was holding Holly's teddy. Skyler took it from him and placed it on the back seat of her car.

"Are you ok to drive?" he asked.

"I'm fine."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying, you... you really helped."

"Bye you guys," said Marie. "I'll head straight back and get the dinner on."

"Thank you," said Skyler.

"You're welcome. See you there." Marie let off her hand brake and drove away. Her teeth clenched and her knuckles went white as she gripped the steering wheel.

"You go on too," said Skyler to Flynn. "I'll sit here and relax until Holly goes to sleep."

"I'm not sleep yet, Mommy."

"No. I won't let go of you until you are. I promise."

"There's n-no way that I'm leaving you here," said Flynn.

"Oh no it'll be nice, I'll just sit and listen to the birds and the breeze in the trees."

"I'm not leaving you alone."

Skyler took a deep breath, looked away and then back at him. "Sit with me, then."

Skyler stepped back onto the verandah of the cabin and sat on a low wooden bench there. Flynn sat next to her and put his arm around her. She fell asleep on his shoulder as Holly fell asleep on her.


	42. Chapter 42

It was dark by the time they got back to Marie's house. Skyler pulled up first, then Flynn. Holly was still asleep. Skyler opened the back door, unbuckled her and picked her up.

"H-how do you feel?" asked Flynn.

"I'm completely numb now. That happens sometimes, it's wonderful."

"N-numb, like… like you can't feel anything?"

"Yep. Now I'm just thinking of all the practical things. Like I have to give you the keys to this car. Actually you know what, you can have my entire key set. She locked the car and then gave her keys to him. That one's the car, that one's for here and that's for our house. I'm sorry to leave you with that but I have organised as much as I could - there are still some things in the kitchen cupboards but that's about it I think - I packed all my clothes and everything away when I was packing for our trip. They're still sitting in boxes in my bedroom, but I stripped the bed and everything, so it's just a matter of moving the furniture and boxes. You'll hire someone for that, right?"

"Yeah, n-no problem."

"I gave you the lease, right? And the forms?"

"Yeah."

"Forms - transfer form for the car is in the glove box. I signed it. You can sell it to one of your friends or a stranger or whoever you like. I paid $2,200 for it - it should still be worth that, but if it's one of your friends, obviously give them a discount."

"Sure."

"I'm sorry to leave you with all of that."

"No, it's fine."

"Thank you. I really appreciate your help. On this and many other things."

Flynn nodded absently.

Skyler started moving towards the door. She stepped aside to let Flynn unlock it.

Marie appeared at the end of the hallway as they entered. "I hope you're hungry!" she said. "I stopped at that little Thai place because they have that amazing salad and I know you love that. And I got Pad Thai noodles and green curry. None of which is cooking, I know, but I thought we needed something special. I've got mac and cheese in the oven for Holly."

"Oh, thank you." Skyler gave her a hug.

"And then I thought what I should have done was just ask you what you wanted, but I just didn't think of it until I was almost back here and I figured you'd already be driving by then, although actually maybe you weren't, because I've been back here for a while actually, like maybe for as long as it would've taken you to drive back, I don't know."

"I'm sorry we took ages - I ended up falling asleep as well as Holly."

"Oh that's ok, that's a good idea before driving."

"Thai food is an excellent idea, thank you."

"You're welcome."

Flynn looked between the two of them, wondering if Marie was numb too, the way she was chattering. But then she went quiet, and the silence was gaping and raw.

Skyler couldn't stop thinking about the fact that she wanted to give Marie some money for the food, but she literally had nothing.

Marie took out a pile of plates and carried them to the dining room. Skyler swapped Holly to her other arm, grabbed the salad and did the same. Flynn stood at the edge of the kitchen watching her go.

...

"We gotta get a picture with the cake," said Marie.

"We got a picture with it at the picnic," said Flynn.

"Yeah I know, but most of it is still there, and we have to get a picture of us all together. If I balance the camera on the bar it should work."

Flynn moved closer to his mother for the photo, thinking actually he'd really rather not remember tonight. Holly climbed onto her lap and held the edge of the cake box with a smile on her face. The cake said, "Best Mom ever – we love you." Marie sat on the other side of Skyler and smiled. Skyler saw the expression on Flynn's face, leaned towards him and kissed him on the cheek. The camera went off. "Oh, sorry," she said. "I was looking the wrong way."

Marie jumped up and checked the photo.

"Do you wanna do another one?" asked Skyler.

"No, it's perfect. You guys look so adorable." Marie smiled. "Let me get another one of just you three." She stepped towards them with the camera. "Put the cake between you."

"The cake doesn't…look nearly as good as it did," grumbled Flynn.

"Oh, are you kidding? You can still see most of the writing, it's perfect." She raised the camera. "Flynn, I need you to smile."

"I can't smile."

"I'm taking this photo so that she can take it with her. I need you to smile."

Skyler turned to look at him, her eyes searching his as he attempted to wrench his mouth into a smile. "Thank you for the cake, honey," she said. "It made me feel really special."

This made Flynn smile, just a tiny half smile but enough for Marie to take the photo.

"Y-you're welcome," said Flynn.

"Are you ok?"

"Not really."

Skyler raised the hand that wasn't holding Holly and stroked the side of his face. "You going to class tomorrow?"

"Y-yeah."

"Good."

"Mommy, can we eat the cake now?" said Holly.

"Yes, we can. That would be wonderful."

Marie took the cake from them and began to slice it and serve it.

"Can I stay here on your lap?" said Holly.

"Yeah." Skyler leaned forward and kissed her on the head. "Hey, do you guys wanna play another board game after this?"

"Yeah yeah yeah! Can we play pikowary again?"

"Oh you liked Pictionary, did you?"

"Yeah, it was funny."

"I don't think I have that," said Marie.

"We do," said Skyler. "It's in a box in your garage - I think I know which one."

"Ok," said Marie. "Do you wanna take me on again, Flynn?"

"Well maybe we should swap partners," said Skyler.

"Oh yeah!" said Flynn.

"No!" said Holly.

"Well, you have to share and change things around, you know." Skyler stroked Holly's hair. "In life, nothing stays the same. It changes. It's important to learn how roll with the changes. It doesn't have to be bad, it's just different." Holly looked up at her mother, her mouth full of cake and chocolate frosting on her lip. Skyler stroked her cheek. "It's just different is all."

There was the sound of cutlery scraping on crockery and nobody said anything for a few moments.

"Sorry, didn't mean to kill the mood there," said Skyler.

"I would l-love to play with you, Mom," said Flynn.

"But you guys are both really good at it!" said Marie. "We won't stand a chance!"

"No, you guys can have the preschool words and we'll have the adult words," said Skyler. "Make it harder for us."

They only managed three rounds before Holly got sleepy. Marie was drawing a pig and wondering why Holly wasn't saying anything, desperately adding extra detail to its tail and nostrils and pointing at it many times over with her pencil.

Skyler leaned across the table and caught Holly's head as it fell forward. "Do you wanna go to bed, darling?" she asked.

"No, no," mumbled Holly. Her head jerked upright, then fell forward again. "Stay with Mommy."

Skyler moved around the table, picked her up and put her on her lap.

"Mommy?"

"I'm here, darling."

Holly nestled into her shoulder and fell asleep.

"Are you two sleeping in the same room?" asked Marie.

"Yeah, I think that's wise," said Skyler. "And I don't wanna let go of her either."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. I'm still pretty numb. It's working very well."

"What happened to you this afternoon? I didn't really see it."

"I'm fine."

"She ran into the bathroom and w-wouldn't let me in," said Flynn.

"Oh, what?" exclaimed Marie. "I thought you were together!"

"It was fine," said Skyler. "While I was by myself for not very long a time at all I pulled myself back together. So it's nothing to worry about - sometimes things happen in our lives to tip us over the edge, and then we take a moment to right ourselves again. I know that's where my greatest strength lies, and it's not something you should be worrying about." She was looking at Flynn, even though Marie was the one who had asked the question.

"Your greatest strength lies in r-righting yourself?"

"Yep. I'm like a jack-in-the-box. Bounce right back." She winked at him.

"Just keep talking, ok?" said Marie. "You can talk to us on the phone and in person and in letters. Maybe emails if you're allowed that. Just be honest, please, about how you're feeling and what's happening, and…"

Skyler nodded. "Sure."

"No," said Flynn. "That's not - no. Y-you gotta promise to do it, you can't just ha-half-heartedly say, 'Sure'."

"Thank you for your concern, I... Certainly, yes, I will want to talk to you about... things." Skyler looked between them awkwardly. "Right now I would actually strongly prefer not to talk about any of this, because the only way that I can get through tonight is not to think about it, and the numbness thing has been working very well but it does require a certain amount of effort on my part to maintain, and if I stop doing that I… I don't wanna not do that, so can we go back to Pictionary please?"

"I…" Marie sighed. "Yeah, I guess, but it's just so important that you..."

Flynn put his hand out. "Come on. Aunt Marie? Put your hand in too. M-Mom, take our hands. And l-look us in the eye and promise us. You will not suffer…alone. You will not lie and t-tell us you are fine when you are not. J-just talk to us and tell us what's happening."

"Hear hear," said Marie, looking Skyler in the eye. "Please. Just-just be honest, just tell us how you're feeling and what's happening. A problem shared is a problem halved, you know?"

Skyler gripped their hands and scrunched her eyes shut, riding a wave of despair. She breathed through it and forced her mind into focus. "Right now what I'm feeling is that this is my last chance to have a nice time with my family, or indeed to spend any time with my family at all, but I would rather spend it having a nice time than just, you know, deteriorating into tears or fear or any other bad things which we've already had quite enough of. I have taken on board what you've said, I have reassured you that there is nothing to worry about, so let's play Pictionary."

"You need four people for Pictionary," said Marie.

"Well one could draw and the other two guess. Either that or something else that's funny. I need funny."

"Th-that's a pig, Aunt Marie," said Flynn.

"Yes it is; I don't think you should get a point for that, though!" said Marie.

"Alright, it's my turn. Ready?" Flynn started drawing.

"Car!" yelled Marie.

"Not quite."

"Wagon! No, sedan!"

"Y-you don't get more points if you make more guesses."

Flynn drew some lines and bumps in discreet places on the car.

"Beat up car? No, that wouldn't be one of the clues."

"I didn't s-say I was using a clue from the game."

He drew a cloud of smoke coming out of the tailpipe.

He drew another picture beneath it with what seemed to be the same car and a sports car speeding off in front of it with tyre tracks behind it and the driver waving. Marie and Skyler frowned. Flynn drew a woman driver in the first picture with her hands together in prayer, and then he drew a child in the back seat.

"Is it... my car?" asked Skyler.

"Yes!" Flynn grinned. "And you don't have to… worry about it anymore, h-how good is that?"

"Oh yeah, that's... a relief. You do, though."

"Nah, th-this is me here." He pointed at the second car.

"Of course it is."

"I was tr-trying to figure out how to draw the fact that you have to wait ten minutes for the car to warm up before… you can drive it, but I couldn't really draw that s-so I thought I'd just draw the fact that it's… just so slow and crap all the time."

"Hey, make fun of it all you want, but it was very cheap and it only broke down twice in eighteen months, which for a cheap car is pretty darn good."

"O-oh my god, I can't believe you just said that. It 'only' broke down twice."

"Ok, clearly you haven't driven many cheap cars."

"Ah no, j-just that one and the sticky brake one. A-all of the crap cars I have driven have been yours."

"Sticky brake, what, the Wagoneer? That was a great car!"

"You keep telling yourself that."

"You're a little smart ass. You make a big deal out of being an adult, but really you're just the same little smart ass, aren't you?"

Flynn giggled. "Eat it."

Skyler laughed.

"What's my car, then?" asked Marie.

"Yours is a bug."

"It's a beetle."

"No, it's a bug."

"You are a smart ass!"

"I'm an intelligent adult who understands s-synonyms and word puns."

Skyler snorted.

Marie gasped. "Oh my god, we could play Charades!"

"Th-that could be fun," said Flynn.

"I have a sleeping three-year-old attached to me," said Skyler.

"Oh that's fine, you can do movies or books that are about kids, or babies or Oompa Loompas or-"

"Did you just compare my child to an Oompa Loompa?"

"No, I said she could play an Oompa Loompa. Ooh! I've thought of a good one." Marie stood up.

"Is it Ch-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" said Flynn.

"No," said Marie, rolling her eyes at him.

"Is it Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?"

"You really are a smart ass." Marie made the action for movie.

"Movie," said Skyler.

Marie held up two fingers.

"Two words. "

Marie held up one finger

"First word."


	43. Chapter 43

Morning came and Skyler's eyes flicked open. Her heart had awoken, and it was pummelling fast. She looked desperately around herself and located sleeping Holly lying sprawled on her back, her limbs in all directions and her blonde hair fanning out across the pillow. I'm still here, Skyler thought, amazed that it still hadn't happened yet. In months to come, she would have the opposite dream over and over, where she saw this in her dream and then awoke and with a sinking heart realised that it had.

But now her heart wasn't sinking, it was shooting around all over the place. She looked at the clock by the bed. 5:55, it said. She looked back at Holly, breathed in and out, in and out, and counted backwards from ten to one.

She needed to pee. Sliding carefully out of the bed so as not to wake Holly, she padded into the hallway and was immediately slapped in the face by the large picture of Hank and Marie that hung there. She squeezed her fingers, shoulders, eyelids and teeth together and walked past it. This is good, she thought. I deserve it. It's about time. It's good.

She went to the bathroom, then got back into bed with Holly. She didn't close her eyes. She didn't want to lose any time.

Marie got up at 6:30 when her alarm went off. She showered and dressed quickly, and then went into the kitchen and began making pancake batter.

Flynn got up at 7, when his alarm went off. He lay on his bed and pulled on his clothes. He smelled pancakes. He stood up and opened his bedroom door just as his aunt was passing it carrying a tray. "Oh hey, you're up!" she said. "There's more of this in the kitchen for you, but we're gonna have a bedroom party in here, if you wanna join us. Do you wanna go make yourself up a tray, and then I'll carry it in for you."

"C-cool, thanks."

"Oh hey, could you get the door handle for me?"

Flynn opened the door of his aunt's guest bedroom, and Marie pushed inside with the tray. "Good morning!" she whispered.

"Oh my god, that smells amazing," said Skyler.

"Blueberry pancakes." Marie smiled.

"Oh my god, you are the best sister ever in the entire world. That anybody ever had ever."

"You're still numb, aren't you?"

"Well if I wasn't I would still be saying that, I'd just be saying it in a depressed voice instead of an excited voice."

"Yeah." Marie put the tray down on the bedside table. "Well just so you know, I'm pretty sure Dave would actually define it as dissociation, which is indicative of extreme emotional pain, and it doesn't get rid of it, it just pushes it down, and it will come back and bite you later if you don't acknowledge it. So it's probably best if you… let go of your numbness now."

Skyler bit the inside of her lip.

"I made you pancakes because I love you and I'm really gonna miss you."

Skyler swallowed.

"I also really love Holly, as much as if she were my own daughter, and I am going to do my very best for her. I don't want you to worry about anything in that regard. She will be so well looked after."

A muscle at the side of Skyler's face twitched, she frowned and her eyes moistened.

"You should probably wake her up."

Skyler turned and looked at the sleeping child. "She looks so peaceful," she said.

"No nightmares last night?"

"No."

"Good."

"I think you should have her in your bed tonight."

"Yeah, probably. I'll ask her what she wants to do."

"Well if she doesn't wanna go in your bed then you should go in her bed, or in here or something, because…. she might have nightmares."

"Yeah. Ok."

Skyler bent over Holly's tiny body and began to stroke her face in big long strokes. "Hey Holly," she said. "Wake up, sweetheart."

After a few more strokes, Holly's eyelids began to slowly move.

Marie began transferring pancakes to two plates and putting a scoop of frozen yoghurt on each.

"Holly. Aunt Marie made pancakes."

Holly's eyes slowly opened, and Skyler smiled down at her.

"Good morning, Mommy," she said softly.

"Good morning, sweetheart."

Marie bent over both of them, holding out two trays with servings of pancakes on them.

"Oh, thank you so much, Marie," said Skyler, straightening herself up and placing a pillow behind Holly.

"Thank you," said Holly sweetly.

"You're welcome. Ok, both of you smile," said Marie, standing at the end of the bed with her camera.

Holly gave a big toothy grin, and Skyler, seeing this, was able to do the same.

"Oh, that's a great photo," said Marie. "What do you want to drink?"

"Hot chocolate please!" said Holly.

"Oh, don't bother yourself," said Skyler.

"No, I have to go back out and get another tray for Flynn. And it's not as if it takes very long to make a hot chocolate. Do you want one too? Or coffee or juice or…?"

"Ahh... Yeah, I'll have what she's having."

"Alright."

"Thank you. Holly, did you say thank you?"

"Yeah."

Marie ran into Flynn in the hallway. "Hey, quick," she said. "Can you print these photos off now?"

"Ah, I guess."

"So she can take them. There's one I took just now which is absolutely gorgeous, definitely print that, and other than that pick whatever looks best, like whatever ones we're smiling better in - particularly where she's smiling. Just print the best three or four or something."

"Ok. Yeah."

"Did you make up a tray for yourself?"

"Y-yeah, and I made some coffee."

"Awesome, thank you." Marie swept off down the hall.

Flynn walked slowly to his room, his heart aching with the soul-crushing sadness that comes with knowing something horrible is happening to someone you really love, and you can't do a single thing about it.

Marie made the drinks quickly and carried the tray back to the bedroom. She found Skyler with her arm around Holly helping her cut up her pancakes. "Is Flynn up yet?" she asked.

"Yeah. This plate is for him. He'll be here in a second." Marie served herself a plate and sat down in a chair in the corner.

"Are you going away today, Mommy?"

Marie saw Skyler's posture crumple towards her daughter. "Yeah," she said, and kissed her on the head. "You're gonna be a good girl for Aunt Marie, aren't you? She's going to do everything that I normally do for you. It's just different is all. Just a different person, but you know her very well and you like this house, and -"

"I rather have you."

Skyler paused, and breathed. "I know, darling, but there's nothing we can do about that. There's nothing any of us can do. Sometimes things just have to happen, and you don't get a choice. It's just different is all." She swallowed. "And it's not your fault, it's mine. It's not Aunt Marie's fault either. She's the one who's suffered the most through this whole thing, but she is stepping up to help you out because she loves you so much. She's gonna take very good care of you."

"You're the one who's suffered the most, Skyler," said Marie.

Skyler looked at her.

The door opened and Flynn came in clutching four photographs between his fingers.

"Hey!" said Skyler excitedly. "Holly, honey, could you move over a little bit please." She lifted Holly's tray off her lap. "Just scooch over so there's room for your brother here." Holly and Skyler moved, then Skyler moved all the pillows along and placed another pillow behind Flynn as he sat down. She gave him a hug and a kiss.

"Here," he said, handing her the photos. There was the one of her and Holly that morning, one of everybody making silly faces at the picnic they had had on Sunday, one of Skyler and Flynn standing on a rocky outcrop with a fantastic view behind them and Flynn looking incredibly pleased with himself for having climbed up there, and the one from the previous night of Skyler, Holly, Flynn and the cake.

Tears came to Skyler's eyes. "Oh, they're gorgeous."

"They're for you to take with you," said Marie.

"Oh, they won't let me. Kim said they'll take everything off me."

Flynn's face fell as he turned to pick up his breakfast tray. Holly, still focusing on her breakfast, dropped a piece of pancake on her pyjama top.

"Stick 'em in your bra, then," said Marie. "Oh, unless… they don't do like a, like a strip search, do they?"

"I dunno, maybe." Skyler wiped off Holly's top and shifted awkwardly, her heart rate somewhere near the ceiling.

"Well that's ok, just keep them with you now, then you've got them with you for the drive and stuff, and if they take them off you we'll print them again and bring them in to you. No problem. Easy done."

"Yep." Skyler continued looking at the photos. She had hardly touched her breakfast.

"E-eat up Mom," said Flynn.

Skyler looked at her watch. 7:30. Less than an hour left, she thought.

...

"Come on, dry yourself off before you get cold," said Skyler, desperately wanting to dry, dress and preen Holly herself but at the same time freaking out that she would be late if she didn't dress and do her makeup then and there, and also wanting to encourage Holly to do things on her own.

"Can you dry me, Mommy?" said Holly, dripping a large puddle in the middle of the bathroom floor.

"Just a second, honey," said Skyler, pulling on her business shirt and beginning to button it. Looking around, she saw the size of the puddle beneath Holly and became worried that she would slip over. She quickly pushed a bath mat under the child and began to tenderly dry her all over. "There. Now, where are your clothes? Did you bring some in?"

"No." Gathering the towel around herself, Holly flopped forward into Skyler's arms. Skyler tried not to get her pants wet as she knelt on the floor. "Marie?" she called. "Little help!" She looked at her watch. Ten past 8. Her heart crescendoed higher. "Marie?"

"Yeah!" Rushing footsteps were heard approaching the bathroom door. "What's wrong?"

"Can you get some clothes for Holly, please?"

"Sure!" Marie rushed back down the hall. Flynn slunk out of his bedroom and stood leaning against the doorframe.

"Holly, I just need to put my make-up on, ok?" Skyler stroked Holly's face. "I'm just gonna go back over to the mirror." She stood, wondering whether she should feel relieved that Holly wasn't resisting or worried that she wasn't emoting. "Aunt Marie's getting you some clothes. She'll help you put them on and I'll help you too when I finish this." She looked at the child in the mirror, and then began the challenging task of applying make-up with hands that were shaking like jelly. She focused on her breathing and concentrated so hard she didn't even react when Marie knocked on the door.

"Come in!" yelled Holly.

"Hey!" said Marie as she entered. She looked at Skyler. "Are you ok?"

Skyler didn't answer. All she could hear was the sound of her own breaths going in and out, in and out.

"Mommy said you can help put my clothes on," said Holly.

"Ok," said Marie, kneeling down and rolling up a t-shirt to pull over the child's head. "You're doing so well, Holly," she said.

"Yeah I am."

"Yeah you are."

"After Mommy puts on her make-up is she going to go?"

Marie looked at her watch. The time kept flying away. "Not right away," she said. "She's gonna give you a big hug first. Oh, hey, Sky, is that waterproof mascara?"

"Yep."

"Good. Me too. "

Holly steadied herself on Marie's shoulders as she stepped one leg into the underpants her aunt was holding out for her. "What's waterpoof mascara?" she asked.

"Mascara is the black stuff that goes on your eyelashes," said Marie, holding open the other leg hole for Holly. "But if it gets wet, it can run down your cheeks and make you look like a panda. Or a clown." Holly nearly overbalanced, and Marie grabbed hold of her waist. "Which is not what you want when you're trying to look like a sensible mature adult. So we have a waterproof one so that doesn't happen."

Holly's underpants snapped into place and Marie picked up her pants.

"But why would it get wet?"

"It gets wet if you cry. Which is highly likely to happen this morning. Which is why I asked your mom if she had the waterproof one."

Flynn pushed open the door of the bathroom and looked in. Skyler put on her lipstick, placed a tissue between her lips, bit down far too hard and ended up with bits of tissue stuck all over her lips. She wiped them away angrily with a wet wipe and started again. Flynn walked slowly towards her and put his hand on her shoulder. She looked at him in the mirror. Her eyes filled with tears.

"It'll be ok," he whispered.

She breathed.

"I'm ready, Mommy!" said Holly.

"Wait on," said Marie. "Shoes and socks."

"Oh," said Holly defeatedly. She looked up at Skyler, who was now brushing her hair as quickly as she could manage. It was still wet, but she didn't care. She threw down the brush and dropped to her knees next to Holly, taking her second sock out of Marie's hand. "Let me help you," she said.

Skyler gently placed the sock onto Holly's foot. Marie sat back on her haunches and watched. Then she handed her the shoes. Skyler looked at Holly and made a play gasp. "Holly, these are velcro shoes!"

"Yeah, I thought they'd be easier," grunted Marie.

"They are easier - Holly I think you can put these on all by yourself!"

"No I can't."

"Yes you can. Just try it." Skyler pulled the straps open wide. "You can do anything if you try." She held out the shoe. "I'll hold it. You put your foot in. Hold onto my arm so you can balance."

Holly gingerly placed her foot into the shoe.

"Push down," said Skyler. "Push and wiggle your foot a bit until it's all the way in there." Skyler gripped the shoe and pushed back to give Holly balance. Flynn and Marie watched, entranced.

"Good job. Alright, we're gonna put your foot on the floor now and you can do up the velcro. Pull it up, and then push it all the way down." The velcro touched before it was meant to and got stuck. "That's alright, we'll pull it off again. I'll hold your foot while you pull it."

Holly made a childish grunting noise as she pulled. Flynn couldn't help thinking about how many things his mother used to encourage him to do when he was small. She had pretty much taught him to walk single-handedly. He hadn't really appreciated it until now because forefront in his mind had been how much effort he had had to put in himself. But she was always there, sitting patiently, saying encouraging words, offering him her arm for balance.

Marie's ankles had started to go to sleep, so she stood up awkwardly, grunting and groaning and muttering, "I'm getting old." She looked at Flynn. Quarter past eight. Holly was on the second shoe. She got the velcro on perfectly and Skyler squealed with delight. "You did it! Good job!"

Holly grinned.

"You are such a big girl! I'm so proud of you!"

"I did it, Mommy!"

"You did it!" Skyler picked Holly up and carried her to the door. "Tell Aunt Marie about it!"

"I can do my shoes, Aunt Marie!"

"Good job, well done!" said Marie. "Sky, your shirt is undone."

Skyler looked down. "Oh."

Marie began buttoning it for her, breathing as deeply as she could.

"Did you see me, Finn?" said Holly. "I did my shoes!"

"Yeah, good job!"

"It was a very good job," said Skyler as Marie finished buttoning her shirt. "Thanks, Marie. You know what, Holly?"

"We gotta go," said Marie.

"I know," said Skyler matter-of-factly as she walked towards the front door. "Holly, I don't think you need me anymore. You are so strong, you can do so many things."

Holly's pride-filled smile fell in an instant. "Yes I do."

"You'll have Aunt Marie and Flynn to help you, but you are such a big girl - you are going to be absolutely fine without me."

"But Mommy, you - no!" Holly saw the front door and realised where her mother was going. She pulled on her shoulders and tried to wiggle her body in the other direction. "No, stay here!"

"Holly!" said Marie warningly.

Skyler stopped and leaned against the wall by the front door, her emotions finally breaking through. "I have to go now, darling," she said. "But you will be absolutely fine. You are so strong and I'm so proud of you."

Tears began to fall from Holly's wide eyes, and Skyler stroked them away. "I will be thinking of you all of the time. All the time. Flynn!" She looked around. Flynn was standing behind Marie, his shoulders hunched forward, looking at the ground. He looked up, and Skyler's heart shattered in his eyes. "Come here," she gasped.

He walked slowly over, leant his crutches against the wall and put his arms around his mother and sister, who were now whimpering in unison.

A crutch began to slide down the wall, and Marie caught it before it hit the floor. She looked at the time on her phone and opened the front door. She went back into the house, picked up a kitchen chair and took it outside. The three at the door didn't move. Marie leaned on the door frame looking down. She looked at her phone again. She looked up. "Sky. We'll be late."

Skyler didn't react, but Flynn did. He looked up at his aunt, then reached behind himself for his crutches. He couldn't see properly through the tears and his hand was shaking, so he couldn't grab hold of the crutches properly and both of them slid down the wall. Marie caught them and handed him one. He hooked his arm through it and stepped haltingly forward, keeping his other arm firmly around his mother. She buried her face in his neck and let him guide her. Marie stepped out ahead of them. "I brought a chair for you, Flynn. I think you'll need to put Holly on your lap and keep a pretty good... tight hold of her."

Flynn said nothing, but moved towards the chair. Marie sat his other crutch next to him and then went to her car and unlocked it. She put her handbag in the back seat.

"H-Holly, I'm g-gonna... sit on this chair, a-and you're gonna…. sit on my lap, o-ok? And we're g-gonna wave... g-gonna... wave goodbye to M-Mom." Flynn sat down like a stone. He flailed a little as he tried to right himself in the chair with his mother still holding onto him. She sank to her knees beside him. She attempted to place Holly onto his lap, but the child had locked on to her. This had happened many times in the past, and Skyler knew when she felt Holly's knees digging into her ribs and her fingers into her shoulder that she wasn't letting go. Usually she just kept her with her. Cooked with her, went to bed with her, showered with her, played charades with her. Or sometimes she could talk her down. But when she felt Holly grip her that morning, Skyler just slid down the side of Flynn's body and buried her head limply in his chest.

"Holly," said Marie warningly.

"C-come sit on my lap, Holly," said Flynn.

"No!"

"Please, Holly," said Marie. "If Mommy stays here, they'll just come get her and they'll keep her for longer. Remember?"

"W-we have to l-let... let her go, Holly," sobbed Flynn. "It's really hard. B-but I'm here for you. I'm gonna hold you. C-come on, Mom, sit up." He squeezed Skyler's lifeless shoulders and with all the strength she had, she lifted her head. Marie came to stand beside her and began to rub her back.

"I-I don't wanna go, H-Holly," sobbed Skyler. She lifted the child's face to look at her and stroked her cheek. "But I have to. I'm so sorry." She stood with Marie's help, leaned over Flynn and kissed his temple. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered. "Such an amazing young man."

Flynn gently put his arms around Holly. Skyler unhooked her left hand from her shoulder, brought it around in front of her and kissed it. "I love you so much." She unhooked Holly's knee from the side of her chest and began passing her to Flynn. "You two are the most wonderful people I have ever met. I love you so much. I will be thinking of you all the time. All the time." She kissed Holly's head and Flynn's temple and kept her arms around both of them.

"W-we'll think of you a-all the time too," said Flynn.

"Ohh no, don't do that," she said, kissing him again and pulling away slightly to cup his cheek with her hand. "You just enjoy your lives. Do everything you love to do. And then tell me all about it." She smiled.

Holly wriggled awkwardly on Flynn's lap, still trying to catch hold of whatever remained of her mother. Flynn let go of Skyler to tighten his grip on her. Skyler's left hand stroked Holly's hair and her right remained on Flynn's cheek as she slowly stood up.

Marie pressed the button on her car keys and then realised that was locking, not unlocking. She pressed it again. The car beeped twice.

Skyler bent down again and kissed Holly and then Flynn on the head. "Love you so much," she whispered. She held Flynn's eye for a moment, then abruptly turned and walked towards the car, Marie following behind.

Flynn gasped, found his voice and yelled, "We love you too!" Holly turned around on his lap so she could see the car. Skyler stopped beside it, raised her hand and blew a kiss.

"Wave to Mommy!" said Flynn, taking hold of Holly's arm and waving it. He looked up to see that Skyler had disappeared into the car, and his heart skipped a beat. Then he heard the sound of the window going down as his mother leaned out the window waving. The car left the driveway. The hill and the low wall at the front of the house soon meant Flynn lost sight of it. He wanted to stand, but he couldn't do that and hold his sister at the same time. She was becoming more and more distressed, wriggling, wailing and gasping. "Mommy! Can't see Mommy!" she screamed. She tried to stand up on his lap, and then he lost his grip on her.

Skyler was leaning out the window of the car and wishing desperately that Marie had put the chair on the driveway. She could still see the driveway but she couldn't see her children. Then she heard Flynn yell and suddenly they appeared, Holly running down the driveway and Flynn standing up behind her, fumbling for his crutches. "Stop the car!" Skyler screamed.

Marie looked in the rear-view mirror and saw what was happening. She pulled over near the end of the street. Skyler was off out the door well before the car had stopped and running towards her child.

Holly, who had been told many times not to run out on the road, remained on the sidewalk and ran obediently all the way around the circle of the cul-de-sac, while her mother sprinted straight up the road paying no attention to traffic. Fortunately there was none, but every curtain was twitching and every neighbour was watching the infamous family through their windows.

Skyler caught Holly at the edge of the circle and swept her into her arms. Marie reversed the car to where they were. Flynn hurried down the driveway and also followed the sidewalk all the way around the cul-de-sac.

"Don't ever do that Holly, don't run away! It's dangerous!" gasped Skyler, stroking Holly's hair and holding her close.

"I stayed on the sidewalk, Mommy," said Holly, her voice muffled by her mother's neck.

"Yes you did stay on the sidewalk. Yes you did. I'm so proud of you, darling."

Flynn reached them, set his crutches against a nearby adobe concrete mailbox and sat on top of it. Skyler walked towards him, not stopping for a breath as she rubbed Holly's back and told her all the reasons why this had to happen. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I don't want to go but I have to. It's not your fault, it's mine. I did the wrong thing. I have to go. I don't have a choice. I will come back to you, I promise. I will come back. I have to go. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing you can do either. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. I did a really stupid thing and I'm so sorry." Her voice rose as she choked back a sob. "I'm so sorry. There's nothing we can do. I already tried everything. I did everything I could for you. I'm so sorry."

"M-mom did do everything she could, Holly. E-everything she could think of to do, she did. It's not her fault."

Skyler embraced him, putting one hand behind his shoulder to wipe her eyes. Then she looked back at Holly. "You need to stay with Flynn, darling. You love Flynn. You have fun with Flynn. But remember what we talked about, ok; when you're with Flynn you need to stay right by his side, because if you run away he can't catch you. And if you run away, you could get lost and hurt and have a horrible time. You need to stay with Flynn. Stay right here, he's holding you. He's looking after you, and Aunt Marie will be back soon. She'll take good care of you. You will be absolutely fine. I will talk to you on the phone and I will come back as soon as I can. It might be a while, but it will be as soon as I can. I would do anything for you, darling. I'll call you on the phone, ok?"

Marie looked at the clock in the car. 8:33. She put the park brake on. She wanted to get out and help Skyler back to the car, but Dr Jensen had said it was really important that Holly not perceive that Marie was the one taking Skyler away. She was, obviously. In the car. But it had to look like Skyler was getting in the car voluntarily. It couldn't look like her aunt was taking her mom away.

Finally she saw Skyler kiss Flynn and Holly again and cross the road to the car. She got in and fumbled with her seat belt clasp, not taking her eyes off the children. Marie took it from her and fastened it. She took the car out of park and moved off very slowly. Skyler leaned out the window and waved. Holly waved, but Flynn didn't because he was gripping her tightly with his whole arms.

In no time at all, they were turning out of the street. Skyler leaned out of the car as far as possible and kept her children in her sight for as long as she could. She froze in her mind the last image she saw of them. And then she broke down. With a long and harrowing gasp, she fell forward, and began sobbing and wailing with her head between her knees. Marie reached a hand across and began rubbing her back as she tried to watch the road and the traffic. They began descending the hill. The sound was getting worse. It was shrieking and screaming and gasping and choking. Marie couldn't stand it. She pulled into a side street and turned off the engine. "Come here, come here," she said gently as she pushed her right arm all the way across her sister's shoulders and attempted to lift her chest with her left. "Come on. Come to me."

Skyler raised her body and fell into her sister's arms. She screamed and wailed and cried like a baby. Marie couldn't help crying too. She felt her shoulder becoming wet with tears and saliva. She could no longer see the time and she didn't care.


	44. Chapter 44

Judge Stephens entered the court. Those present stood hesitantly like a syncopated Mexican wave, and the clerk quickly approached the bench. "The defendant isn't here, Your Honour."

Judge Stephens sat down with a thud. "What?"

"She's not here."

"Ms Wexler!"

"Yes, Your Honour." Kim hurriedly approached the bench.

"Where is your client?"

"She's late. I tried phoning, but I did tell her to leave her personal possessions at home, so I suspect she doesn't have her phone."

"Then phone a member of the family!"

"I did. They didn't answer either. But Marie will be driving Skyler in here and Flynn will be looking after his three-year-old sister, so -"

"So phone again! Incessantly! Over and over! Otherwise I issue a warrant!"

"Yes, Your Honour." Kim lifted her phone to her ear. Marie didn't answer. She brought her phone back down and quickly tapped Flynn's number on her call log.

"Jesus!" said the judge.

"She is quite convinced she'll be found guilty, so she'll be saying a proper goodbye to all of them, and I imagine doing that with a three-year-old would be - Flynn!" She turned away. "Hi! Where are you?"

"At Aunt Marie's house."

"Is your mother still there?"

"N-no, they left about…" Flynn looked at the kitchen clock, and swallowed. "I-I guess, I guess it's been about half an hour since they left."

"Oh good, they must be nearly here then. No problem, thank you."

"Kim, w-what's -"

The phone went dead, and Flynn stared at it.

Kim turned back to the judge. "They left about a half hour ago. From Marie's house in Glenwood Hills, which is -"

"That's right at the edge of the city!"

"It's not more than half an hour's drive away. Maybe they hit some traffic. Should I go out and meet them? At the entrance?"

"Yes, go and hurry your wayward client in here!"

"Thank you. It won't be long." Kim rushed out of the courtroom.

...

Marie and Skyler parked in the courthouse parking lot and rushed inside as quickly as one can when one's feet are resisting every step they take. When they reached the media huddle, which was much bigger this morning, Skyler went to close her eyes but then decided that as this was the last time, she wanted them to see it all. She must look like hell with unkempt hair, red eyes and smashed makeup. She wanted them to see it. She looked up at the clear blue sky and counted slowly to ten as her sister's reassuring arm guided her to the door.

She looked at her shoes as she crossed the threshold, then up at the door to the public gallery. Marie stopped and turned to face her. Skyler opened her arms and they embraced tightly. "Thank you so much," Skyler said. "I don't know what to say. Thank you so much."

"No problem."

"Thank you."

"Of course." Marie pulled back and looked at her.

Skyler saw Kim standing at the edge of the foyer. Kim pointed at her watch.

Skyler turned back to Marie. "I love you."

"I love you too. Look after yourself. Stay open and honest. Talk to me, talk to whatever doctor you see in there. Forgive yourself."

Skyler hugged her again. Kim stepped forward. The reporters outside pressed every camera lens to the glass of the windows to capture everything they could of this telling moment.

Finally they parted, and Skyler stepped back. "Thank you so much. I'll miss you."

"Don't worry, it's only temporary. I'll see you soon." Marie smiled.

Kim put a hand on Skyler's shoulder. Marie put her hand on the door to the public gallery and watched them turn down the corridor. Skyler waved. Marie opened the door.

...

"Will the jury foreperson please stand?" said Judge Stephens commandingly.

A stout middle-aged man in a dark brown suit stood.

"Have you reached a unanimous verdict?"

"No, Your Honour."

"Have you reached a verdict on which a majority of you agree?"

"Yes, Your Honour."

"Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty of the felony charge of money laundering?"

"Not guilty, Your Honour."

There was an audible gasp in the courtroom. Skyler looked up, her face showing utter shock. Marie's jaw dropped. Kim smiled.

"On the lesser charge of misdemeanor money laundering, do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?"

"Guilty, Your Honour."

Skyler stared at the man in the brown suit, her heart beating out of her chest. All she could hear was her own breath.


	45. Chapter 45

"To our top story now: Skyler White, wife of Albuquerquedrug lord Walter White, was today found guilty of a misdemeanor charge of money laundering. In a shock end to a three week-long trial which has been watched with keen interest across the nation, jurors found Mrs White not guilty of the second-degree felony charge which had been brought against her by the Drug Enforcement Administration, but found her guilty of a lesser misdemeanor charge. Melissa Lyons has the story."

Marie sat down on the sofa next to Flynn, a glass of wine in her hand.

"She asleep already?" he said.

"Yeah well, pizza, icecream and emotions really tire you out."

"Oh look!" Flynn pointed at the TV. A very serious Marie and Skyler could be seen walking up the ramp into the courthouse, Marie's arm around Skyler and her concerned eyes on her, and then the image cut to the two of them embracing inside.

"Good, I'm glad they showed that," said Marie.

"The look on her face."

"Don't worry. It was a good outcome, but we didn't know that at that point."

"It was the longest trial ever held in New Mexico and one of the longest in the country, partly due to the large amount of evidence that was presented by both sides, but the trial was also adjourned on four occasions due to quote unquote 'the defendant's health.' The judge ordered a psychiatric assessment after the second such adjournment; the psychiatrist's report was not disclosed to the court but the defendant was observed to be physically shaking in the dock on numerous occasions, and twice became so distressed that the judge had to call an immediate adjournment. Despite this, after the verdict was handed down today, Prosecutor Greg Martin was quick to point out that Mrs White had not been found not guilty on the grounds of insanity."

The image cut to the prosecutor standing outside the courthouse addressing the media. "Skyler White is guilty of laundering the profits of her husband's illegal methamphetamine enterprise through the car wash business that she ran from May 2009 to March 2010. She confessed this to agents from the Drug Enforcement Administration in March 2010. Throughout this trial, we have presented substantial evidence of the calculating, controlled and detailed manner in which Mrs White carried out this crime. But all Americans are entitled to a fair trial and for the jury to hear both sides of the story, so the Defence countered this with evidence that Mrs White had been placed under coercion and control by her husband, Walter White. The jury retired and deliberated this for more than five days, and they decided to convict Mrs White of the lesser charge of misdemeanor rather than felony. This _is_ still a guilty verdict. I will be meeting with the DEA prosecutor this afternoon to discuss whether the Administration will appeal the reduction to a lesser charge. I can assure you we will consider the matter very carefully and act according to the best interests of the citizens of America."

The image cut to file footage interspersed with images of Walt, Jesse, Jack, Todd, Saul, Mike, Hank and Steve. "The DEA had a lot riding on this trial, since they were never able to bring charges against their main target, Walter White, also known as Heisenberg, after he was killed in a shootout on an Albuquerque industrial estate in September 2010. Also killed that night and at various other times, directly or indirectly involving White himself, was almost everybody else who was involved in his methamphetamine business, with three notable exceptions: Jesse Pinkman, Saul Goodman, also known as Jimmy McGill, and Michael Ehrmantraut. None of these three has been arrested and their whereabouts remain unknown. This left the DEA with just one person to prosecute for a multi-million dollar drug enterprise that spanned five states: the battered wife of its kingpin. If the lack of prosecutable culprits wasn't enough, the DEA had lost two of its own officers, ASAC Hank Schrader and Agent Steve Gomez, who were killed in the course of investigating White, so they threw everything they could into a six month-long Grand Jury investigation followed by a three week-long trial, and they came up short.

"Defence lawyer Kim Wexler spent more than a week presenting evidence, mostly in the form of detailed and often emotional witness testimonies, that Mrs White was not in control of what she was doing but rather was forced into it by her husband Walter. A psychologist testified that their married relationship was toxic and that Walter was a sociopath. The Defence claimed that Mrs White was under the complete control of her husband, that she feared him and that she felt she had no choice but to launder his money. Her bouts of shaking and gasping in the dock provided further evidence of the traumatic abuse that she suffered at the hands of her husband."

Marie glanced sideways at Flynn, thinking that Skyler would kill her for letting him watch this. He looked straight at the television, his face showing no reaction other than the tightening of his jaw.

The image cut to Kim standing outside the court addressing the media. "Today, our legal system did just what it was designed to do. It prevented the scapegoating of the abused wife of a master criminal. It prevented her, a moral woman who neither knew nor controlled what she was doing, acting only under the tyrannical control of her husband, from being punished for his crimes."

The image cut to the reporter standing on the sidewalk opposite the courthouse.

"Perhaps the most significant piece of evidence was that which the Defence presented last, on the trial's final sitting day last Monday, a phone call recorded by Albuquerque Police on the evening of the day Walter White escaped, which he did after threatening his wife and son with a knife and abducting his then eighteen-month-old daughter. In the phone call, White threatened and abused his wife and told her that he had taken her daughter to teach her a lesson. Fortunately, the child was later returned unharmed.

"White then fled, leaving his wife Skyler to face the music for the crimes he had committed, and six months later he shot dead eight of his co-conspirators and himself. But this morning it was confirmed that the music would not play for as long as the DEA thought. Taking into account the significant evidence of coercion presented by the Defence, the jury arrived at a compromise, convicting Mrs White not of a felony but a misdemeanor. The Felony Two charge she was previously facing carried a maximum penalty of nine years in prison; the misdemeanor charge, only one year in jail."

Gene lifted his whisky glass to his lips, drained it and sighed in satisfaction. "Good job, Kim," he said. "Very well done." He got out of his arm chair, grabbed the glass and took it to the kitchen to pour himself another.

"And that concludes our nine o'clock News In Depth bulletin. Coming up next is the question on everybody's lips, who is Kim Wexler? Why did a successful Chicago lawyer fly to the other side of the country to give a pro bono defence to the wife of a drug lord? Well, it may have something to do with the fact that she has a few shadows in the closet herself. She used to be the de facto partner and one-time business partner of Jimmy McGill, also known as Saul Goodman, Walter White's lawyer and corrupt criminal associate." Images of Saul in different clothes, guises and ages, including some of him smiling with Kim, began to pop up on the screen. "Unlike most of White's other associates, Goodman remains alive, at large, and as yet unable to be pinned down by police."

In his small kitchen, Gene banged his Scotch glass onto the counter with a crack. "Oh, fuck."


End file.
